new here and stressed out
I hope this isn't too long, but apologize in advance if it is. Glad I found this forum, though!
I am 42, DH is 50. We've been married for 2.5 years. We've been together (but had lived separate til marriage) for 10 years. He was divorced for two years prior to meeting me. I was just in the middle of divorce (my husband cheated with a coworker). I have three kids 16 & under that live with me full-time. Their dad has not seen them in 5 years (though he lives in the same county). DH has two grown children, ages 22 and 20. I have known them half their lives practically, always seemed like good kids. They lived with their mom and he saw them every other weekend until their mom moved across the country for some guy and left them with him (after he paid her lump sum child support, lol). He had them full-time until just before we got married.
Before we got married, his son moved in with roommates, was "attending community college" and "working"; his daughter went to college in a town near where her mom lived. When we got married, me and my kids moved into his home, and I rented my home to my dad (my mom had just passed away).
The daughter, though only 20, got married and had a baby. Dropped out of college. Her mom is a CFO of a company so got the two of them jobs, and they have their own place and are working. THey seem stable. I have no issues there.
The son, however has become a big issue. My husband and I decided to buy a bigger home (were living in a townhouse). SS was not really working or attending college regularly, sort of floundering, DH was helping him financially, so DH offered to get a house with enough rooms for him to move in with us. He alternatively offered to help get him his own place. SS chose his own place. DH purchased a small one bedroom condo near our new home, and our home had just enough bedrooms for us and my 3 kids. SS moved into the condo with his then-gf. They subsequently trashed the place (I mean, broken crap, bugs, food everywhere, etc) then with no notice, packed up what little they could fit in his car and moved across the country to move in with his mom. (???) DH and I had to clean up the mess and find a renter for the condo.
6 months later, BM shipped the gf back because she's psycho, she moved back in with her mom. SS came back and moved in with gf and her mom. All kinds of crazy drama, the mom kicked both of them out. DH let them stay on our sofa (big mistake) "until they got themselves together". Fast forward a few months, neither even TRIED to get a job, or go to school. (gf was 23). I couldn't stand it, and then SS's gf actually PUSHED me in my own home. Needless to say, I kicked her out. SS was given the choice to stay, but he chose to go with her. Back to her mom's they went. This crap went on for a while, until the drama escalated and the mom got a restraining order against SS and he came back to us. Then I caught him smoking pot in our back yard. I told DH he had to go. So he moved out and in with his cousin (who is worse of a mooch then he is, and she's 34 with 2 kids). They fought, he came back to us, promised his dad no drugs, etc . I didn't believe it but DH pleaded with me to let him return.
All this time, still no job. Does nothing except make a mess of our living room (he's on the couch) and play video games. DH just doesn't see it, somehow makes me out to be a bitch for not "trying to help" him. He was always a good, respectful kid, I am having a hard time wrapping my head around this new version of him. Would have never guessed he'd grow up to be like this. But I am fed up. I want him out.
Now he has a new GF, she's only 18, and he's wanting her to "sleep over". I put my foot down. I told my DH that I have my limit, and I know I promised "for better or for worse" but if he cannot see the light of day and allows him to have this girl "sleep over", before he knows it she'll be living there. I said if he allows his son to let his gf spend the night, then I will move out for my (and my kids) own sanity and move back into my old house. I have to get off the crazy train. I cannot control my DH's actions, I can only control my own. I see his pain because he does not want to see his son fail, but I feel like otherwise he will never learn to pick himself up and be a man.
The "nice" part of me feels like a heel for not trying harder to "help" this kid, but I feel like he's gotta learn the hard way or he'll never learn.
Thoughts?
Letting him hang out on your
Letting him hang out on your couch is not helping him. It is enabling him. He has been given tons of help- a condo!, a place to stay, etc. The only way he will get motivated and grow up is if people stop enabling him.
Give him money for a security deposit for an apartment, if you must. Do not let him move back into a home you own or buy him another one, and tell him to be out by the end of the month.
I agree I know enabling does
I agree I know enabling does not help; my brother (4 years older) was like that, my parents didn't have a pot to pee in but he used emotional blackmail to get my mom to run up her credit cards and support him. He was 44 when she died (still living with my parents and no job) and his first words after she died were "what's going to happen to me?" I was like you should have thought of that 20 years ago. He asked to come live with me I told him I'd give him a list of shelters but he wasn't coming to live with me. My dad kicked him out after she died. He put up with it all those years because my mom pleaded with him and he didn't want to hurt my mom, but as soon as she was gone he kicked my brother to the curb.
He still didn't learn though now he's conned his ex-wife and her new husband into letting him live with them. But better them than me!!
The old, DH "helping" his
The old, DH "helping" his kids by allowing them to extend their childhood indefinitely. My DH did this until recently, ss30 is now finally paying his own bills. I was a big B for even suggesting that ss stop couch surfing here and pay his own bills. How heartless of me! "ss30 will be homeless unless I HELP him," dh would say. Funny that ss30 is actually doing very well now that he has to keep a job and pay bills. He even has a decent gf.
exH is doing this very thing with our 19 yr old and I'm PO'd. ds19 is upset with ME because I dare suggest that he gets a job. It gets worse because exH has a new mooching 22yr old defacto SD, so lazy adulthood will be the norm in that house.
Good for you for putting your
Good for you for putting your foot down! Time for your dh to now choose: ds or wife. In my case Dh after 26 years chose ds who is 47 years. Please do not do what I did and continue to stay with a man who continually ignores your feelings and thoughts to baby his ds. I kept on thinking the babying would end and it got worse. Imagine how horrific I feel that because I kept on thinking that it would change I stayed with him. I admire that you stood up for yourself. Now the thing for you to do is to be "impeccable with your word" otherwise he will think that you are all talk and no action. Which will result in dh continue to prioritize your ss over your marriage and you. Stay strong, as you are words to your dh are really saying respect my feelings in our marriage.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your input, everyone! "he will be homeless unless I help him" has definitely been DH's mantra. I think he's starting to see the light (I hope). And I know he knows I'm serious about leaving if the gf is allowed to stay. I thought very hard about that before I said that, as I knew if I said it I had to be willing to follow through. I know that if I got through my horrific divorce from exH, I can get through this if I have to. Compared to that, this is cake!
I heard the "but he will be
I heard the "but he will be homeless" thing too. And it was truly agonizing for my DH. And WHY was my SS about to be homeless? Because he was using drugs and the family he was staying with kicked him out. Because he wouldn't keep a job and had no money. The list goes on. And all of those were adult decisions that SS made himself. All of them stupid, but nonetheless SS was facing homelessness because of his own decisions. And I was the bitch who wouldn't contribute a dime of my money to "help." (I have assets; DH has debts. And THOSE circumstances are based on our own adult decisions.)
DH paid for a hotel room so SS had time to "figure something out." Nothing was figured out after three days, and $110/night rate with movie channels and free breakfast. DH couldn't argue or defend or make excuses anymore. SS was indeed using him, despite the teary phone calls and the promises and apologies. ("Just one more day, Dad, PLEASE, I just have to wait for xyz to happen.") Pulling the plug on supporting SS was the hardest thing DH ever had to do. And that very day SS got himself into a rehab program. DH now truly regrets his YEARS of enabling his son and has replaced his guilt over being a crappy father with guilt over being a crappy father than enabled his son's addiction. DH is also in therapy and is becoming a much stronger man. I love him for that.
Yep its funny, I work as a
Yep its funny, I work as a case manager with formerly homeless people (who now are on Section 8 )....its amazing how resourceful people can be when they have to be. I have learned a lot from people who used to be homeless!!
I grew up doing some migrant
I grew up doing some migrant work as a child and at times being homeless because we followed certain crops. I remember one time we slept under the trees in a plum orchard and used upside down wooden boxes to sleep on. I am here to affirm that being homeless never killed anyone and neither does hard work.
Your dh is using the homeless argument to to enable his ds. Good for you for realizing that it was doing more harm than good. I wonder what motivated merry's husband "to pull the plug" and stop enabling and financially supporting his ds. Maybe other steppers can share the what motivated their dh or dw to stop financially supporting and enabling adult children.