Am I being greedy?

Forums:

Recently I read the book "Stepmonster". Changed my life! I took the advice from the book and looked into step-family counseling. Unfortunately there is only 1 counselor near where I live. I met with her last week and felt good about our 50 minute session....until she told me it would be $150 a visit and my insurance didn't cover any of it.

I told my DH about this and he offered to pay half. Which was nice...and well, he SHOULD be paying.Eventually he would be included in these sessions, but I wanted to have some one-on-one time before we brought him into the mix. He understood this and agreed.

But the more I think how much this will cost me monthly, even only paying half, it's still a lot of money. And while I could afford it, it still puts me in a bad spot financially and I'm not comfortable doing so. It actually stresses me out more thinking how much this will cost. I know it will be good for my mental health and I may even learn something from it.

My DH just came into quite a bit of money recently due to a death in the family. My question is, am I greedy for thinking that he should pay for all of this? He and his kids are the reason I'm even in the position to need this counseling in the first place. If he paid for a dozen sessions it would be a drop in the bucket for the amount of money he just received. I've all but straight out asked him if he would be willing to do that. I know, beating around the bush never works with men. I don't feel good about it because I live by his money is his and mine is mine. Usually if there is an event going on with my family or friends that requires travel or a gift or anything, I pay. He does the same when it's his family or friends. I feel like this falls under that mentality, but I'm sick of pointing out the obvious. Why can't he just think of this on his own?

I've been on the verge of leaving for about a month now and the point of counseling was to help not only my stresses with skids, but my marriage. It's been falling apart due to issues with skids for awhile now and this was kind of the last chance for things to get better. I feel let down. I don't feel like a priority or that our relationship is that important to him, even though he tells me all the time it is. But actions speak louder than words. Any advice is appreciated.

Hi, what a difficult time

Hi, what a difficult time this must be.

Here are my two cents:

1. If you are about to leave your husband, let him pay. This would be his way of doing something to save the marriage. Talk about it together and see if the marriage is worth saving. If it is, then let him pay. It will make you feel good that he values your relationship.

2. Yes, please go for the first time on your own, just to make sure that this counselor is not a moron that's going to make matters worse (I'd say sixty percent of these counselors actually make matters worse, lol!). Go in, ask a lot of questions and make sure you feel this person can help you before you bring in DH or the rest of the family.

Please do not feel greedy. If this person is good, it may not take many visits at all. Plus, you can stop at any time if it's not working out. If the amount freaks you out, why not just tell yourslef "I'm going to go 3 times and then decide if I wish to continue."

Thanks

It comes from you trying too

It comes from you trying too hard to find something to criticize.

Thanks Sally. You're right,

Thanks Sally. You're right, the marriage ending wouldn't be because of the skids, but because of the lack of parenting issues on my DH's part.

I will give the counseling a chance. I was so looking forward to going and I can make it work for a little while.

As for the retirement plan, I suggested that long ago. But that turned into a new vehicle. I don't see a diamond ring in the future. Hell I paid for half of my ring when we got engaged

While it may not be the kids

While it may not be the kids fault that the marriage is ending, they can still be a valid reason. Hopefully they can work it out though. It's always sad when a marriage falls apart...

Appears DH needs parenting

Appears DH needs parenting classes and counseling , not you !

It comes out of marrital

It comes out of marrital resources and his inherritance is a marrital resource. So is his income, and yours.

I do not believe you have to have a step-family counselor. I believe an experienced family or marriage counselor will suffice. See what your work benefits will cover under your employer provided EAP benefits.... if you have them.

When I was navigating the end phase of my first marriage the best investment I made was our marriage counselor. That process minimized the tensions and stress on me as I struggled to recover the marriage. Ultimately the marriage failed though I did not. Therapy also facilitated me rediscovering the man I enjoy being. I am not a timid guy who lacks confidence but that is who the 2.5 years of hell married to the cavern crotched skank whore of an XW turned me into. By the time the relationship with the therapist ended after 8mos of therapy I had rediscoved me, blossomed back into the confidentguy with the "child like passion for life" (as Doc M. told me when she fired me as her client)and was ready to live my life to the fullest rather than continue to struggle with the soul sucking attacks of the succubus I was married to.

Doc. M told me during our last session "You don't need to be here any more. You are fine. Of course if you want to keep coming you are welcome to keep our scheduled sessions. When you came in here 8mos ago I would never have suspected that you were a an confident, energetic young man with a childlike passion for life. Go be happy." It was a couple of months after I turned 26 that I saw Doc M. for the last time. I will be 52 on Thursday.

It is hard to believe that I have lived an entire life that is as long as I had lived to that point since then. Nearly 22 years of that life with an amazing woman as my bride, confidante, conscience, muse, and my sun shine.

I send Doc M. a hello every half decade or so to thank her for her guidance and to update her on my life. It has been nearly 25 years since my last session with her.

If therapy can help recover your marriage ...... great, if not use it to rediscover the DMO you enjoy being.

It worked for me.

All IMHO of course.

Good luck.

In equity marriages all

In equity marriages all resources are marrital resources. At least among people of character and commitment. It transcends the law.

Of course you are no doubt correct when it comes to the law. So, to answer your question... in the state of as it should be in all marriages.

Any other type of marriage is not worth the effort.

IMHO of course.

THIS

THIS There's no way in the

THIS

There's no way in the world I would pay for something that would be free or much cheaper someplace else. If you want to go there, then you have to eat the cost.

Yes, your mental health is

Yes, your mental health is extremely important to your marriage. However, seeing a counselor that is out of plan is going to cost you a fortune eventually.

Are there ANY counselors in his insurance plan where you may need to make a bit of a drive? What about counseling with the county you're located in? Sometimes, even though they're not in plan, they will treat you as though you have no insurance (as his insurance doesn't cover them). The county I live in has a health center with counselors well versed in all areas and will again, treat you on an ability to pay basis. I was told by the counselor I see to just tell them you have no insurance (as again, your insurance doesn't cover them..they are out of plan). The county I live in is aware of this and will allow treatment on an ability to pay basis.

It's already a long drive to

It's already a long drive to get to this counselor, going even further isn't something I'm excited about doing. This counselor has already told me she will help out with cost because she thinks it's important I am there. So far, I really enjoy the appointments. Soon, my DH will join too and we will hopefully begin progress.

The county I live in is small and does not offer much. I wouldn't trust anyone not to gossip anyway. So going to the city is a much better idea for us.

Thank you for your feedback.

This is my first marriage, so

This is my first marriage, so why it's "obvious" that it's everyone second is beyond me.

Until recently the living costs had been 50/50. Except groceries, he buys for his skids since I never had a say in the crap food they are allowed to eat. Now he pays 60% of electric, water, and Internet. I still Pay half for the mortgage and any items we buy for the common areas or our areas of the house. I do not spend any of my money on the skids - part of disengagement.

I feel that he should pay for at least half of the counseling as he is half of the marriage. And at some point he will be included in the counseling, just not until I get some one-on-one sessions. The reason I am conflicted on if he should pay all of it is because if the roles were reversed and I had the financial means to help him out, I would. That's the part that seems obvious to me. Not that I'm a greedy bitch and I am entitled to the money from his deceased relative.

LOL! If he's 100% of the

LOL! If he's 100% of the problem, then he should pay for it.

Seriously, we have NO idea what would be "fair". We have no idea who the more giving party is in this relationship. For all we know she gives him a BJ evey night.

Sorry to be crass, but really, this is something the OP and her husband need to figure out.

It's not all measured by money. There are many, many people on this site who give time, effort and energy to save these screwed up marriages... and that's harder than tossing some money around IMO--and I can say that because I make a good living.

That was a joke... which

That was a joke... which failed, I guess, loll!

The point was, "giving" in a relationship is not always about money. If she is contributing in other ways, she should not feel greedy.

There are plenty of people who pay for lots of things but don't contribute squat to the relationship. On the other hand, there are plenty of SAHMs who don't contribute with money, but certainly contribute their fair share.

It can't be measured all in money.

In my observations these

In my observations these "dutch" marriages never work out. There's no reason to be married if some things aren't going to be shared and built upon together. If there's only his and mine but no ours what's the point? In my opinion, counseling to save the relationship should come from a shared pot but it sounds like the two of you don't have that. Since the counseling is to deal with HIM and HIS children HE should definitely pay. Be straightforward and ask him to pay for ALL of it to save your relationship. If he says "no," then you may want to reconsider if you want to continue "going dutch" with this man any longer.

You are here