First of all, if the 24 year old can afford a vacation for himself and his mommy to NY, he can damn well move out.

I have no bios but I have a dad and when I was 24, he would have been the last person I would have wanted to go on vacation with! Not to mention, that would have been a bit disrespectful to his wife, especially to just spring it on her, with no discussion and excluding her.

I have to wonder about your wife, thinking that there's not anything wrong with this.

Are upset because the trip is to NY or would any trip bother you.

It's possible the kid grew up hearing his mom talk about wanting to go to NYC one day.

If so, I think it's sweet that he gave her this gift.

You're her husband, not her father. He should not have to clear a gift for his mother with you.

He should have included you in the trip.

I'd tell Jr since he already has his bags packed for New York that he can keep them packed to move into his own place. That's just crap he can save up for vacation but still is on moms nipple!

NY ain't all that fabulous, so don't even stress it. Believe me, born and raised here and while I now live in a neighboring state, I still work here and it's too noisy, crowded and the people are rude.
Seriously, take the week to go do something awesome like surf in Malibu and connect with friends. NY will still be here when your DW gets back and you and her can come together next time.
This city is HUGE and EXPENSIVE as all hell, so believe me when I tell you, you aren't missing much.

We have the same problems with our DH's and their kids making plans without us (and more our DH's agreeing to plans before asking)--why is it any different for a Stepfather in the same situation? I feel like that's kind of sexist on our parts, and hypocritical.

Yep. If this was a daughter taking her dad on vacation, without any thought whatsoever to her dad's wife (and sharing a room, no doubt), everybody would be screaming, "mini-wife!".

as some others have said, my issue would be more with the fact that this 24 year old adult is still living at home, and has no idea how to prioritize spending (i.e., buying a $40K truck and taking expensive trips but not being held responsible to contribute financially or better yet move out).

I don't blame you for being upset. You are the husband and decisions should be made by you and your wife.

The son can call the trip a gift for his mom, but I call it interfering with a bow on it. If he wants to give his mom a trip for two to New York as a gift, it should be for his mom and her husband.

Seems to me the son has pushed you out of the way and mom is too blind to see it. Son gets credit for a trip and you are made to look like the bad guy for objecting.

The marriage should come FIRST!

IMHO the son is an adult and needs to move out and take care of himself.

Saying that the son should pay for a gift for both mom and her husband, is no different than saying a SM should pay for a gift for dad and his kids.

The kid and the wife(I don't believe sge didn't know about this)should have invited the OP. However, the OP should be the one to cover his own expenses.

"I'd like to take Mom on a trip to spend some time just the 2 of us. I'm thinking NY the week of xyz....is that cool with you?" Thus us all I think he needed to do. The financials are a while different story. He shouldn't be living there rent free.

I understand how he feels. He is the husband. It would've been the mature thing to do to give him a heads up, that's all. And if I were him I would've said, "I have no issue at all with you wanting to spend time with your mom, i think it's great. However, if you can afford a trip, i think it's time you started contributing to the household!

They are a married couple now. Why should a 24 yr old not be contributing to the household? I assume husband contributes to the household and therefore is helping to support SS? Not right in my opinion. You'll never teach a kid, he's not even a kid he's an adult, to be self sufficient if he's being supported by you.

It's not uncommon for parents to allow kids to live at home rent free while saving for a home.

Heck, there are posters here who have done/are doing just that and they have spouses, bio kids and stepkids

I would do a trip with one of my kids when they are adults. Sounds like a blast! They sound close, the mom and son.

Now...he needs to pay rent. He is living an unrealistic life. Not paying rent, utilities etc....mom is setting him up for failure in the long run. That is what I would be upset about.

If ss invited DH he would have to pay for two hotel rooms. He'd also feel like a 3rd wheel. I think it's nice for son and mom to have this time together. If I got remarried I would definitely want extended alone time with my son when he gets older.

This doesn't just apply to me, I've suggested my DH take vacations alone with his kids. I think this is so healthy for them. SS probably didn't know about your idea of NY and mom was excited and flattered that son asked. I'd let them have their trip. There are 100s of other places you can go together as first.

If ss is consistently trying to exclude you, that's another story. He's very young and probably just wanting to spend time with mom and not realizing this may hurt your feelings. Let them have their trip.

Newlife2013, my take on this is that your wife is the one who left you in the lurch by not consulting with you (and I don't mean asking permission, I mean discussing the layers of it).

I'm sure this is contentious, but I think if a person with kids (person A) marries someone (person B), and A is expecting B to be okay with taking on the responsibility (and/or some of the cost) of raising their kids, then A should be okay with looking out for B's sense of being included and welcome. It just turns my stomach--as a step-mother, it was all fine and good for me to have to share the responsibility and cost of raising my husband's sons and making them feel included in everything in our lives when sometimes I damned well would have preferred to be free of them (e.g., we couldn't take trips alone), but at the same time I'm expected to be totally good with the way they now exclude me from their little blood-only events. I'm chopped liver. I don't blame the step-sons (because anyway they have no feeling for me and had no contract with me), I blame my husband (who should be looking after my emotional well-being after I took care of his). What bull.

I don't blame you for feeling hurt. I think your frustration stems from feeling excluded. As someone with a beating heart, I'd say that's normal.

We only get limited vacation time per year and I'd be ticked if my new spouse decided to take one of his weeks and blow me off without consult. I guess that sets the tone of the relationship.

What if in the best light, mom has refused to accept SS payment for room and board and this is a way for him to pay it back and he's blown his wad for just the two of them... I have to do work arounds for my parents.

Now if my SS did something like this for DH, I would be all for it. If the SD's were to do it I would see it as a divide and conquer play. That's our dynamic.

I don't blame you, newlife2013, for being upset about this vacation. There should only be two people in a marriage and it seems your stepson has overstepped his bounds by thinking he could take your wife away for a week long vacation without discussing it with everyone ahead of time. It wouldn't sit right with me if one of my husband's adult children surprised him with a vacation that didn't include me. My husband wouldn't like it if one of my adult children did the same. If he wants to spend time with his mother, he should take her to lunch!

Newlife, you have every right to be hurt and upset. People can point fingers back and forth over who is to blame, but one thing appears to be certain to me: You have done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment.

It does not sound like you are a controlling person, as evidenced by your support of your wife's annual trip with her friends which does not include you. You have encouraged her to continue to take those trips, and she does. That's because you see this as being important to her and something she enjoys doing.

As a couple, you both determined that NYC is a place you want to experience together for the first time. That seemed to be important to both her and YOU! Now she has unilaterally decided that she's going to have that experience with her son. When, and if, the two of you get to go is something that may or may not ever happen. After all, once she's spent her fun time there she will not be so eager to keep NYC on the top of her bucket list since she's "been there, done that."

Knowing this is a "dream" that you've had and just cutting you out of it without any consideration is just plain wrong and hurtful, IMO. Kids or no kids involvement, it's not the kind of behavior I would expect out of someone who is supposed to love and care about me.