Baby on the way. Am I selfish?
I'm about 8 1/2 months pregnant with my first baby and my family is throwing DH and I a little shower/family picnic. My SS7 is with us every other weekend, and he's a pretty good boy but he's hyper and demands to be the center of attention. When he's with us we pretty much have to drop everything to focus on him and keep him entertained, which ends up being pretty exhausting not to mention hard on our relationship. Anyways, we swapped the visitation schedule around a little bit so that SS would remain with BM the weekend of the baby shower, and now I'm feeling really guilty like people will judge me for not including SS. Should I feel bad? Also we are having a scheduled c-section and DH asked BM if we could do another weekend swap around that time so that we could adjust here at home with the baby. Otherwise SS would have been coming over 3 days after the birth and it would have been really hard. So with Mother's Day and Memorial Day now, and our delivery date in between, SS will not come over for 3 weeks in a row. BM accused DH of being a bad parent and not wanting to see SS which is absolutely not true, he's an awesome dad. So now I'm feeling even more guilt like its my fault between the baby shower and my delivery date.
No you should not feel bad.
No you should not feel bad. You need to take care of yourself after the section. Now the intervening time - between party and section, can dh go to visit the son, do extra Skype calls , extra phone calls whatever.
With the party weekend - I prob would have sprang for a sitter or that who could entertain him for a few hours while shower is on. That way he gets the rest of the weekend with you guys and it's not too many swaps. Or have dh take him out and play with him- swim run etc for hours before the party and maker sure he is exhausted and napping for the party
Try to converse with BM in email as well- so there is proof of the reasons and she doesn't invent lies at a later stage.
Further to this why is he such a hyper kid that he needs all the attention and puts a strain on your relationship ? How will he cope when baby is centre of attention for next while?
Duplicate.
Duplicate.
Duplicate.
Duplicate.
100% agree.
100% agree.
I agree too. Your baby will
I agree too. Your baby will be your SS's little brother or sister. He should be included. If you and DH have a second child, are you going to send this baby away?
Since the shower is a family
Since the shower is a family picnic and the kid is part of the family, then yeah, excluding him was a crappy thing to do.
The man will have two kids soon. He has to figure out to juggle his responsibilities to both of them without expecting BM to jump in and help him out.
Agree....
Agree....
Where did you get that it's a
Where did you get that it's a family picnic? I didn't see that anywhere in the OP. Did I miss it?
I think the kid should go to
I think the kid should go to the family picnic, I mean there's going to be a lot of family there and enough attention to go around. Plus it might give him an ego boost when everyone starts fawning over him for being a big brother. My family did it with SS4 and he was really excited when I had the baby.
Would this even be a topic
Would this even be a topic worth discussing, if say this were your eldest child and a new baby on the way? No one would think twice about deciding an older sibling could be excused from the shower. It is only a matter for concern as it's a step child. The same goes for the actual birth of the baby.
Were this an "in tact" family and they did not want the older kid(s) at the hospital, that would be fine. The only thing I don't agree with is dad not seeing his son for 3 weeks. None of us would forgo seeing our own children for that length of time by choice. So dad should be making a plan here and he should most definitely be seeing his son.
Echo, you have just heard of
Echo, you have just heard of it then at the tender age of 57. I am also not the only mother to have done it. I have two best friends who did exactly the same.
Edited to add: They can bond just fine at home. It doesn't IMO need to be at the hospital on the day the baby is born.
I'm the oldest of six, and I
I'm the oldest of six, and I was never at the hospital for any of my siblings' births. That was considered kind of a sacred thing for my mom and dad...no one else. I loved it because one grandma always came the week before the baby was born and the other the week after and I got lots of grandma time and attention...along with my other siblings. We baked cookies, made signs welcoming mom and new baby, picked flowers, etc. When they got home, we got plenty of time with the new sibling.
I was beginning to think it
I was beginning to think it only happens in Africa.
ok, well that IS a different
ok, well that IS a different thing. Here in the states, we typically don't have that rule. Hospitals do have visiting hours and I am sure that some preclude kids at some point, but I have never known anyone to say that a sibling can't come to meet a new sibling at the hospital.
Of course, there is a first time for everything.
Okay - but this is a blog
Okay - but this is a blog about the SS not seeing Dad or new sibling for three weeks!
I have been around the block a time or twelve and my entire family works in hospitals. No hospital in my area precludes siblings from the maternity ward.
Haven't you heard, Sally.
Haven't you heard, Sally. Here in the US of A everyone and his brother is invited right into the delivery room for the special moment, or into the tub for the home water delivery if that's your thing, and we post full cootchie shots on Facebook along with highly-detailed, cringe-inducing "birth stories" so that 2000 of our closest friends can all share in the magic and the wonder.
People start visiting and overstaying with mom and new baby right away, because she only has 10 days of maternity leave. It's true that new moms in the US of A are exhausted, far more likely than women in other countries to develop post-partum depression, which we then shame them for, and have a tough time bonding with the new baby to the point where the poor thing can nurse. But, hey! That's why scientists made formula, right? And it's a small sacrifice when you consider all of the aunts and uncles and bffs that need time with baby, too!
To suggest that there's another way is just...selfish, cruel, and barbaric, frankly.
Two are you being serious?
:jawdrop: Two are you being serious?
I wasn't making fun - I was
I wasn't making fun - I was expressing my opinion AND stating a fact. Which, in America, I an entitled to do.
I am certainly not in the dark about pregnancy, labor and delivery. I have pushed out three kids, two at one time. Pretty sure I am pretty educated about it.
Nobody is mommy shaming. Perhaps you are projecting.
No one is shaming. FFS, ima,
No one is shaming. FFS, ima, just because someone has a different opinion that you doesn't mean that it's shaming. It's called a difference of opinion.
I think you doth project too much, but that's just my opinion. Or do you think I am shaming you?
Ugh....
These posts crack me up.
These posts crack me up. Marry a man with kids and then proceed to exclude the kids from every.single.thing.
So, when you have your next baby, will this one be excluded from everything involving the new baby?
SS would have been coming over 3 days after the birth and it would have been really hard.
People do it all of the time. Without banning the other kids from the home.
I seriously wonder why some women marry men with kids.
Or wonder why step children
Or wonder why step children act up after being left out.
But there seem to be a whole
But there seem to be a whole lot of excuses as to 'why' Dad can't see is kid... not even for an afternoon... for three weeks.
Mother's Day is one Sunday. Memorial Day is one Monday. Most COs award the holiday day, not entire weekend. Family shower/picnic is one afternoon. I'll give OP the delivery/hospital, but don't really understand not letting kid pop up to peek through a nursery window. The "MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY" bit depends on the patient and size/area of incision. Had one myself and after carrying my moose of a kid who laid across right until plucked out , I gotta say that c-section recovery was a cinch compared to lugging my moose around. I could finally breathe and eat.
Point being... don't you think Dad could manage sometime during a three week stretch to spend at least an afternoon with his son?
I'm curious where you read
I'm curious where you read these "whole lot of excuses" in my post. Or where I even said that DH wouldn't be able to see SS. And I never even said SS wasn't coming to the hospital to visit us. The way you ladies twist up my words and put in new ones is something else.
42 years ago my brother was
42 years ago my brother was sent to granny when I was born. 1 week later when my mother was released from hospital my brother met me. My father visited my brother once in that time. That was an intact family. This is not abnormal. It's not strange behaviour. It is a personal choice we make. I am neither a proponent of nor oppose to either persons stance on this.
9 years ago my best friend sent her first born son to his grandmother and her second son was born and only met his brother 5 days later. My sister in law gave my niece to my mother for 3 days when my second niece was born. Again 2 intact families. My dearest friends two sons stayed with her ex husband for 4 weeks when she gave birth to her twins. Her sons have only just met the twins this weekend past.
All of the women above did not marry men with children. These were the children they birthed. I cannot believe this view and practice is specific to a country or continent. It's a personal choice.
The only issue I had with this post is the father not seeing his son for three weeks to accommodate a baby shower and birth. I don't believe that is right. I won't however bash a woman for a personal choice even I have made with respect to my own daughters.
I think in cases when mom is
I think in cases when mom is in the hospital, it makes sense to have someone else care for the existing kids.
However, here in the US, rightly or wrongly, moms are routinely pushed out the door in less than 36 hours. So, no need to send any kids away.
I had a 4 year old when my twins were born. Asshat was home for two days. My mom came during the day for a day or two. Then I was on my own. And I had twins!!
It can be done. It's really not that hard.
WOB nowadays natural is 2
WOB nowadays natural is 2 days in hospital and C is 3 days in my country. Premies and emergency C are 5 days for the mother. I understand each of us has our own views on this topic. I however stand by my earlier views of what worked for me. I had a first born when I had my second born. I did not allow Polly at the hospital. It was a choice. The hospital allowed her one 30 minute visit per day if I chose to exercise it. Polly wasn't allowed to hold BabyD until she was 3 months old. It hasn't affected their bonding at all. It's different strokes for different folks.
So all military personnel who
So all military personnel who are deployed are not decent parents? Wildlife fire fighters, red cross volunteers and other emergency management people are not decent parents? Oil rig workers, Alaskan ice truck drivers, deep sea fisherman are also not decent?
I know I have veered a bit of topic - but saying a parent is not decent if they go 3 weeks without seeing their child is absurd.
Apples and oranges The folks
Apples and oranges
The folks you listed are doing a job. The OP's husband is making a CHOICE that has nothing to do with providing for his family or protecting our country.
How would you even know this?
How would you even know this? Because as a matter of fact he does both. You might want to just stop commenting.
No job related scenarios were
No job related scenarios were listed in any of your given reasoning (aka excuses).
My comments are based on what
My comments are based on what you posted. You never said dad's work obligations had a tjing to do with excluding SS from the shower/family picnic or having him stay with BM after the baby arrives.
Why exactly are you choosing
Why exactly are you choosing to feel guilty? And ... it is a choice. You have planned events with forethought, logic, and consideration. Quit sabotaging yourself with the guilt.
As for BM riduculing your DH as a parent..... she can STFU and FO. End of story on her.
When SS comes after the three week visitation hiatus you and DH can plan something nice to introduce him to his baby sib and recognize his status as big bro.
Congratulations to you, DH, and big brother on the baby.
You make whatever decision
You make whatever decision you want to
As for me? When Thing1 and Thing2 were born, my neighbor brought DD25 (then 4) up to see them for about 20 minutes and then took her home.
That was plenty of time
I wouldn't exclude any sibling from meeting the new baby, but I certainly would dictate when and for how long.
true, they aren't your kids,
true, they aren't your kids, but your kid is their sibling.
Asshat went on to have three more with Money-Ka, so I can relate to this a little bit. Each time a new sibling was born, I made sure that my kids went up to say hello. I didn't take them, but I did make sure that they were available when DD25 was not yet old enough to drive them up to the hospital.
Asshat came to my house to pick them up. Those kids are in no way related to ME, but they are related to my kids. And, they happen to be super cute. I think Asshat got pissed at DD25's wedding that they were hanging out and dancing with me
The hospital room was not
The hospital room was not even mentioned by OP, she does not want the SS to come for his scheduled weekend AFTER she gets home from the hospital.
meh - I disagree. Those of
meh - I disagree. Those of us who have had newborns and other kids at home find a way to make it work. We don't send the pre-existing kids away for three weeks. We just don't.
There is no reason a SM, who isn't custodial, by the way, can't have a skid come by and see the new sibling.
No one is saying not to put mom's needs first. But you don't kick a kid out for three weeks just because you have a baby. OP isn't the first to have a baby and she won't be the last.
Sheesh.
If two weeks is eternity for
If two weeks is eternity for a recovering woman, can you I shin how long that three week wait is for a seven year old?
you know, you would never say
you know, you would never say that about a biological kid. Let's say OP has a 2 year old. You wouldn't sit here and say that kid couldn't see the new baby for three weeks, would you???
yeah, but not for three
yeah, but not for three weeks!!!
Come on, stepmeanie, even YOU wouldn't keep a skid away for three weeks....
"This isnt an intact family
"This isnt an intact family and it does no good trying to project that model on this situation."
Maybe, but a SM giving birth is no different than any other woman giving birth, right?
Three weeks is a long time to ME and I am not a seven year old kid.
She never says that the SS
She never says that the SS can't see the baby for three weeks. Where do you even get that?
She says that DH is switching visitation so that he's not there 3 days after she gives birth. That's not cruel or sad or anything. That's actually very normal. And there are plenty of intact families that choose to let older siblings wait to meet the new baby until the mom returns from the hospital. That's what my family did, and I am very close to all of my siblings...waiting didn't scar me for life or make it so that I couldn't possibly bond with them. Also, my grandmas came and split time at our house before and after the birth...and I pretty much knew that if I needed anything during those weeks, I was to ask my grandma...I know all families can't do that, but I know it helped my mom and dad, and I didn't feel neglected or left out...I felt loved and cared for.
There are plenty of cultures (including our own a hundred years ago) that remove all distractions from a mom, including her own older children, for about a month after giving birth so that she can bond with the baby, rest, and give the new child the nourishment it needs. Of course, this was more necessary back when child mortality rates were so high, but I still don't think it's a terrible idea. I think the way we treat new moms now in the US is kind of insane and cruel, actually. Very little support and lots and lots of expectations.
But...my point is. I don't think any of this qualifies as sad or mean or selfish. I do think the dad should make time to see his son during all of this, though. 21 days is too long for a kid to be without his dad. But that's not on SM...nor does it mean her birth plan / afterbirth plan is wrong.
Where do I get that she says
Where do I get that she says that SS won't be around for three weeks? Right here -
" So with Mother's Day and Memorial Day now, and our delivery date in between, SS will not come over for 3 weeks in a row."
Did you miss that part?
I am the OP, and I am amazed
I am the OP, and I am amazed at the way some of you have judged and twisted my words, and then argued with each other about them. I posted, went to sleep and woke up to dozens and dozens of your bashing comments. And now I'm reminded why I stopped using this site a year ago. I never said my SS wasn't wanted or wouldn't be visiting in the hospital. For one, he lives with his mother about 2 hours away so getting to and from requires a bit of planning. It's very common for him to go 2-3 weekends without visiting, due to holidays/school/odd work schedules etc. Also, he isn't feeling left out or disappointed in the impending birth of his brother. He is literally counting the days and he's very excited. We're sending a "big brother care package" to his house to make him feel more included too.
Forgive me for wanting those first few days home with baby to be an easy transition for my family. I've never had a baby and I've never had a surgery before, I'm scared and unsure what the first week or two will be like and so is DH. I'm pretty sure SS will not be scarred for life. If anything, he would feel bored here and get frustrated, and that's assuming we would even be discharged from the hospital and home by the weekend.
Bashing my DH too I can't tolerate. He's a good husband and a good father. He's doing the best he can to juggle all of this. He calls his son every day to chat, and spends a lot of quality time with him when he's here. I'm assuming that sometime in that three week stretch of no overnights he will see SS at least once, wether it's MIL bringing SS here for a visit, or us driving to a t-ball game. But like I said, we live a couple hours away.
We're doing the best we can people so please don't judge or assume. We're all fighting the same battles in the end.
"Forgive me for wanting those
"Forgive me for wanting those first few days home with baby to be an easy transition for my family"
So dad has to pretend that his oldest child is not a part of his family. :?
Sad, huh, Disney??
Sad, huh, Disney??
"We're all fighting the same
"We're all fighting the same battles in the end."
No, OP. No, we aren't. Some of us don't feel the same way you do, and so we wouldn't fight the same battles as you.
You are the one who said it would be three weeks that SS wouldn't see dad. Some of us thought that was too long, or wrong, or bad for SS.
Now you say it's only going to be "those first few days."
Quite a different thing, wouldn't you say?
Also, to the few of you who
Also, to the few of you who had encouraging kind words, thank you. I appreciate them!'
AMEN. with that logic, since
AMEN. with that logic, since i chose not to have my own children but took on dh's three, i should have then gotten one year off for each!
or women with no kids and no custodial sk's, they should just randomly get a year off a few times during child-bearing years.
gimme a break!
1000% this
1000% this
You asked a question; you got
You asked a question; you got some yeses and you got some noes (based on info given), so now what?
Obviously, you know all of the details of your situation better than anybody so why ask if you are being selfish? If you feel it is okay and justified, and your DH is okay with it, who cares what anybody else thinks?
THIS
THIS
I appreciate a lot of the
I appreciate a lot of the responses and honest opinions I received in this post, but most of you, I just feel sorry for. To not agree with someone's decisions is one thing, but to straight up attack them on a forum is another. And it's the same screen names I see on here over and over again posting on everyone's posts just trying to be a bully. I wasn't looking for any sugar coating or ego stroking by posting this question last night, just good honest advice by friendly people.
Being a stepmom has its challenges, and this site should have a lot more encouragement than it does. Nobody needs to be treated the way some of you treat each other. Maybe evil step moms really do exist. Continue with your comments if you'd like, but I'm done reading them.
I call utter BS on a small
I call utter BS on a small child not being able to bond with a sibling if they don't go to the hospital.
When my sister was born no one under 12 was allowed in the hospital - NO exceptions. My brother didn't get to meet my sister until mother came home 4-5 days later. It did not affect him one bit.
This skid is certainly part of her husband's family and will be a sibling (family) to her child. But she may never feel that the skid is part of HER family. I hope she cares for him and treats him right - but it's okay for her not to feel that he is part of HER family.
I think it totally depends on
I think it totally depends on the relationship your DH has with BM. If you have a decent level of communication and are able to easily swop and change the visitation and you both feel that it makes the whole scenario easier for all involved then go for it.
BUT, I do think its important that its a decision made by you and your DH. Make sure its what he actually thinks is best rather than him just agreeing with you. This will be your first parental experience once baby is born, you dont want to start that as a "he chooses for ss and you choose for bio". Else you are setting yourself up for trouble down the road.
For us, my DH and I are newly wed and not yet ready to have an ours baby. But when we do, the visitation schedule for SD will remain the same, if it looks like SD will be with us when Im to give birth then we will have to arrange other child care for SD to enable DH to be with me at the birth.
That is simply because when SD is with BM she is responsible for SD and regardless of whats going on she deals with it, ultimately as if my DH didnt exist. When SD is with my DH then its DH who arranges everything, and again, its so apart from BM its as if she doesnt exist.
Some people may see that as a shame, but it has its benefits. BM has no interest in what DH does with SD on his time, and offers no information as to her circumstances so its enabled both my DH and BM to have their lives despite all living in the same area. Plus it means SD knows who shes with is who she is with.