I will not repeat past mistakes.
This is a post about finance. If anyone can offer solutions, I would appreciate it.
I have a very solid financial picture. I have no shared assets...it's all mine and paid for.
I made the previous mistake of not doing a pre-nup.
In the future, when I find a new relationship, assuming the guy isn't as financially fit, how to I marry or merge financially.
What my current husband and I do, is all household expenses right down the middle. We make a small monthly contribution to a mutual account and that pays the mutual expenses.
We never decided how to handle the remainder of the money. Fund retirement together? Keep it separate?
I continued funding my retirement and savings account. DH spent his as usual on food, clothes, watches and gadgets. He has irregular work and income so he might make $0 for 5 months but then do a job for $20,000. He does not budget obviously. He just sees the money and spends it with no regard for when or how the next paycheck is coming. Meanwhile, he pays BM CS but I get nothing, other than half utilities. We even split the cost of meals. I will pay him the $10 for my fish n chips on the spot and he'll do the same.
It feels like BM gets a stipend for divorcing the guy. I am married to him and I get nothing practically AND I solely provided the home in which we live.
He wants a stake in the home now. He want to be on the deed with me....WHAT? FOR FREE?!!! I did all the hard work and saving to buy my house and he wants it to just be ours!?
DOES ANYONE HAVE A SIMILAR SITUATION AND HOW DID YOU HANDLE IT?
I don't want to be a scrooge miser but I don't want to be taken advantage of either. I always wanted to offer everything I am and everything I have to the man I married...but how do you do it when they don't bring any assets to the table? Only CS and liability.
Perhaps I am trying to smooth the rough edges of this marriage, but I am likely looking for advice for a future partnership.
Thanks.
I would not put him on the
I would not put him on the deed if he has paid nothing towards the house.
Jaspercat31, I don't know
Jaspercat31, I don't know what legal options there are other than prenup (too late), post nup, joint ownership. I could calculate a formula going forward and on paper he could own 13% of the house for example but he wants a situation in which the house is not MINE. He doesn't want me to be able to throw him out. He wants the phrase, "It's my house, get out." to go away.
do you have any ideas?
I'm sorry, onelife, but that
I'm sorry, onelife, but that right there would be a HUGE red flag to me. It sounds like he already knows you are not happy with the situation and is looking for a way to ensure him staying in that house. Even forcing you to sell so he gets half WHEN you split. Do NOT put his name on the deed.
I would not put him on the
I would not put him on the deed. I have a similar situation. I bought the house we live in solely in my name. I paid for it myself and now own it outright. My husband is also a spender. We keep it all separate since a few years back when he wasn't working and ignored a bill. Our account was garnished and (long story) I got most of it back. Separated all finances then and kept it that way.
I agree, post nup is needed
I agree, post nup is needed immediately, he is thinking he deserves a lot more than he has earned here and he is not even pulling his own weight.
Has he always been like this? Maybe I missed something, but, I would insist on a post nup asap.
Nobody gets younger over time....and, you will not have the years left in your life to fully purchase another home, if/when you get fed up by his greedy behavior, and he walks out with a good chunk of your home equity.
Do NOT put him on the deed,
Do NOT put him on the deed, period.
Your home is YOUR asset - your safe haven. Husbands can easily become ex-husbands, and then you have to give him half.
Why would you ever consider doing this? Don't let him guilt you into anything. If he pulls the old, "If you loved me you would" then respond by saying, "If you loved me, you wouldn't ask nor expect it."
Does he give you extra money for when his kids visit - their food, utilities they use, etc.? Probably not.
The fact you mention "future relationship" says to me that you are not secure in this one. Do not make a mistake that may ruin you financially. Keep ALL YOUR ASSETS in your name. And your name only.
By all means, put him on the
By all means, put him on the deed. WHEN he pays you half the market value of your house. He's not going to pay you? Then his name does not go on the deed. Period. Dot.
Frankly, it sounds like you are ready to move on from this marriage. Why would you even consider putting him on the deed when you are already saying, "In the future, when I find a new relationship..."
DO NOT put him on the deed. First and foremost, you need to protect yourself and your assets. Then you need to decide if you are going to stay in this marriage.
Thanks everyone. Very
Thanks everyone. Very helpful as usual.
"It's my home!" Is pretty much the only threat I have anymore. No he does not pay rent here. We split utilities but they are all in my name. I paid off my house so there is no mortgage for him to pay.
He filed for bankruptcy and has a foreclosure on his credit so he can't even get a credit card, let alone a mortgage to pay me half of the value of my home.
No he does not pay me anything additional when the skids are in my home.
I thought that if I give it one more try, I would insist that he take over the electric bill entirely (Since the skids play 16 hours of video games per day.) Also, he should hire a house keeper to clean up after the skids when they leave.
Where I continue to be stuck is that when he doesn't participate in the marriage (budgeting, decisions, household responsibilities) and just brings the skids into my home to trash and deplete me in every possible way...I tell him to 'get out of MY house.'
I have to stop doing that or get my basic needs met by him.
Putting his name on the deed is a bad idea. I know.
I suggested we buy a house together and 'start fresh'. He can't. It would take him years and years to be in a position to buy even half of a house.
Any advice for how I can make him feel secure though without putting his name on the deed? He needs to know he's not going to be homeless if I divorce him, separate or throw him out.
Hon, there is no way you can
Hon, there is no way you can guarantee he will not be homeless. Which is very likely why he wants to be on that deed. He was irresponsible with his money in the past and it sounds like he continues to be that way.
You don't sound happy or confident with this man. What is the reason for staying together? Seems as though you already have one of his feet out the door.
You will regret trying to
You will regret trying to make this work with a man who has nothing but major financial liabilities. The more I read, the more I recommend a clean break away from this mess and, as other posters have stated, you will find a partner who can be an equal partner. It is hard to respect a taker --long term. See an attorney and make a plan for your future.
Any advice for how I can make
Any advice for how I can make him feel secure though without putting his name on the deed? He needs to know he's not going to be homeless if I divorce him, separate or throw him out.
If he doesn't want to be homeless, he needs to do what it takes to afford a home, whether that be paying you for half of the house he now lives in or rent for some other place if you guys split.
If you threaten him a lot with, "It's my home," of course he's going to feel insecure. He wants to make sure he gets something (for nothing, in this case) if you do throw him out.
If your marriage has problems, those need to be addressed but that threat is not the way to do it.
Not sure why you would even consider buying a house with him when he can't/doesn't contribute to the one you have.
He NEEDS to feel insecure, he
He NEEDS to feel insecure, he OUGHT to feel insecure.
If you want to put his name on something, put it on a sign up list for financial counselling.
Tell him straight up to his face that you are NEVER putting him on the deed, and watch what he does. Either he'll stay and get his financial act together, or he'll find another sugar mommy.
If you want to put his name
If you want to put his name on something, put it on a sign up list for financial counselling.
Amen, Exjuliemccoy!
never, ever put your husband
never, ever put your husband on a deed. ever.
I don't know what you have
I don't know what you have got set up in your will but could you put in a clause that he either inherits the house(if that is your wish) or that he would have rights to live in the house until his death when it would be sold and the proceeds distributed as you wish. I don't know how these works but I am sure an attorney would help you. This offers him security in the case of your death. In the case of a divorce if you are unwilling to sign a postnup to offer him some sort of alimony then perhaps you can offer him support and help to get him out of his bad credit and towards being able to build some savings for himself. Maybe if you wanted to help with more than just moral support and encouragement even pay for some financial advice for him or for him to attend a personal finances course.
I would suggest you listen to
I would suggest you listen to the other posters, do not put him on the deed. Don't worry about repeating mistakes, just don't make any new mistakes.
make a record of all of your
make a record of all of your assets before marriage. this cannot be counted as community property. put all of this, if you can, into a trust. you can do this with an inheritance.
everything earned after marriage is community property.
check your state laws with a good attorney on everything. pay for the attorneys time and experience. its worth it.
As for the CS and you feeling
As for the CS and you feeling like the BM is getting more than you financially out of your husband I would look at CS as an ongoing debt that he aquired before your relationship, that debt also supports his children who have a right to financial support from their father. Just letting go of resentment about CS and accepting it as a debt will relieve some stress.
For future relationships, pay close attention to money habits before getting too serious and if they do not match yours then either back out or find a way to protect yourself. Personally I did not reveal the state of my finances to my husband for quite some time while we were dating and I paid careful attention to his habits as I was cautious. We do not have identical outlooks but he has vastly improved his habits since I met him. It is still one of the only causes of tension in our relationship.
People say that in marriages the things people fight about most are money, kids and sex. Making sure you understand your partners behaviors with all of these and checking your compatibility or finding ways to make it work before getting serious go a long way to a successful relationship.
onelife - what ever you do,
onelife - what ever you do, do not put him or any other man on your DEED.... it's not your fault they can not plan their futures.
keep the house on your name and your name only, if he keeps on nagging about it smile and say, why don't you get your own house and rent it out, this way you have property and future income....
Then raise the house hold expenses, he needs to pay "rent" it does not have to be much, draw up a normal rental agreement, and hand it to him, if he asks simply say... if your rental income = 50% of the house I will transfer 50% of the house to your name... this will never happen it's a fable to get him calm.
Why do I say rent.....if you do split up, you can claim back rent legally, if he demands 50% of your assets, depending on how you got married, then you can offer giving him his rent back in exchange for the house again...
if you stay married, then you use the rent for retirement. Do not spend the rent, invest it rather
Now he's saying that he put
Now he's saying that he put in money of his own when he moved in. We did hire a crew to lay down a new floor and paint. We also got new appliances. He put in $14,000 (That was money MY GRANDMOTHER GAVE HIM when we got married!) I suggested we put it in our mutual account to start saving. I matched that contribution. Between the work we did on my house, utilities and food, that money is used up. (Like I said, he sees money in an account and that's the cue to SPEND IT!)
So based on his $14K my granny gave him, he feels entitled to the home 50/50.
I offered to refund him that. But he went on a tirade about all of his 'labor' he has put in. He did work on the house and did put that money in. I think it's pathetic that it was money from my grandma. But if you do the math, that would entitle him to 5% of my home is all.
He is not going on the deed. Don't worry. Thank you.
I realized what you all said today...if he didn't have me he would be on his dad's floor again or paying rent somewhere. Oh, and his two cars sit in my driveway...wonder where those would go if he didn't have me? (They are only worth $9K together.)
I have him staying at his dad's indefinitely. He hasn't paid into the utilities this month and I am sure doesn't intend to. I will just document really well from this point forward. I am not in a tight spot for money at all, so I could care less about splitting utilities with him.
He is seeing his counselor several days a week right now. Inpatient was recommended but he won't do it. His shrink said he has to pretty much change everything in his life and basically pointed out what poor husband he is to me.
I care a little less every day.
Evidently your H has serious
:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
Evidently your H has serious issues with reality. You can't take anything he says seriously.
I think that you did muddy
I think that you did muddy the waters a bit here by allowing him to pay for the updates/repairs. Owning the home in your name is good for you but it does also mean that you take on all the financial liability. I know you feel like the money was your grandmothers but she had gifted it to him do it was his to spend as he wished and not yours or your grandmothers money. If you do divorce him he may well have a claim to a portion of the house value.
It sounds kind of like both
It sounds kind of like both of you feel the marriage is coming to an end, maybe that's why he's adamant that you put him on the deed, so he will be sure to get something (it certainly should not get half).
I would not only document going forward but try to document the past, as well, what he did put in financially and in sweat equity, he is sure to bring all of that up if you divorce. You may very well have to buy him out but I wouldn't want to give him one.extra.penny.
Are the cars in his name, your name, or both?
The fact that he is making a big deal about all of this and the fact that you "care a little less every day" tells me that you both feel it's over.
You need to protect yourself because he is going to try to get all that he can.
He's a total ass. I owned
He's a total ass. I owned two homes when I married DH. We bought another one after we married (rented one of the others out). DH insisted that everything stay totally in my name. Your husband is a greedy bastard.
He steps up and becomes your
He steps up and becomes your equity life partner. If he fails to do that then expecting equity in your life and home is delusional. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stand your ground and do not give him access to an equity stake in YOUR home unless he steps up and earns it by delivering as your equity life partner.
Don't get me wrong. I contribute as much as is legally possible to my retirement investments and more in direct investment into our brokerage accounts but I also spend a notable amount on watches and other baubles ... as gifts for my bride. I never buy watches, etc... for myself.
You will win or you will learn. You will not lose in this. DH on the other hand will likely lose and likely will not learn.
If you need to take a relationship do over... I am a proponent of the do over..... you will not make the same mistakes or tolerate the same lack of equity participation from your next partner.
Take care of you.