teenage boys..... terrors till age 20....

I can suggest to disengage from them, and let DH handle the parenting hon, or you will go crazy..

Personally. I'd stop paying anymore than one-fourth of household bills. Apparently you don't have full rights in your home. Save that money get your own place. I would have serious issues with the fact that a child is allowed to speak to me however they please.

Your house... you can go anywhere you want whenever you want... and yes.... your DH should have had your back. :jawdrop:

Time to go back in one last time with a snow shovel, garbage bags, and wire cutters. Shovel anything not where it is supposed to be in the garbage bags and dump them on the curb. If SS gets them before trash day great... if not.... buh bye.

The wife cutters are to cut anything that uses the power, cable TV, or internet that you pay for. Take the light bulbs too.

If he wants to play that game inform him that from now forward if he wants food or utilities he cam pay rent. Do it in front of your DH and inform your DH that he so much as makes a peep about it he can pay all of the bills since as the man in the marriage that is supposed to be his responsibility.

Then go buy an expensive new car and do a very expensive spa weekend letting DH know that he is now solely responsible for paying all of the marital bills and meeting your expectations regarding the cleanliness standards that his spawn will meet or they can spend the rest of their youth at their mother's house.

Your DH apparently has locked is sphincter around his cranium and can't extricate it.

I would never speak to my wife that way particularly in front of a kid or anyone else for that matter.

Ok, I've been where you are on a larger scale. My SS (15 at the time) was in and out of the Justice system at least every two weeks for Juvenile crime. He drank, did drugs, wrecked our vehicle, ran our phone bill up, broke into our home, stole our money, skipped school, pawned our items, besides dealing with law enforcement, behind our backs, on and on.

I never said one word, I let DH handle it. Then one morning I had just received a very large phone bill, the day before. I awoke to a wrecked vehicle, with 1/2 qt. of whiskey sitting in the cup holder. I fixed breakfast and when everyone was sitting down, I told YSS, calmly and civil, that he was out of our house the next day, he would never use our phone again, and he would never, never drive one of our vehicles again. There was dead silence. I used the element of surprise. I never nagged about it or brought it up again. This was DH's home at the time; so I was stepping beyond my boundaries in that area, but I didn't blink an eye. He moved out, the next day to BM's, never used our phone, and never has driven one of our vehicle's again; this was 35 years ago. YSS was released from prison 2 years ago, after spending 15 years for fraud, hot checks, theft, ID theft; he was sentenced to 30 years (served 15) for habitual criminal.

I'm not saying you should do this; what I am saying....don't have a spitting match with your SS's. When he asked you where his snuff was, tell him "it is on the shelf in the laundry room. Then hold a civil meeting with SS and your DH, when you have cooled down. Tell them you will not allow the alcohol and tobacco in your home, he will keep his room clean, etc. Stay calm and never let your SS get under your skin; because he will continue to play the game between you and DH.

Raising teens comes with all types of tricks in the bag, I am not an expert. Your DH obviously doesn't disagree with the snuff nor alcohol, as you do. Don't take on your DH's job of raising his sons. You have the right to have rules in your home, but you need to discuss it with everyone present. I let my YSS know that there are no secrets or sides to take with DH and I, when it came to MY rules. It worked in my case, maybe it won't work with your case. First have an earnest talk with your DH on how this effects you. Try an adult approach and stick to your boundaries.

I feel bad for anyone raising Step-teens. I'm hoping your DH will have your back, if you take the approach of DH handling it, after you have requested he discuss these issues with you first. Then let DH handle it; if he doesn't handle it to suit you, you can take more drastic measurers, such as I had to do.

Your DH needs to get an education about reality ... fast.

Although not legal for a kid that age he's allowing his son to use snuff. I would suspect he has the same attitude about alcohol, since you've already found it in the kids' room. Next will be illegal drugs, which daddy will probably want to turn a blind eye towards as well. Keeping you out of his room is a way to keep you ignorant, but may not enough to keep you from being complicit. You already know the kid does stuff he is not supposed to, but daddy is allowing it.

Tell your husband this: He is on a very dangerous and slippery slope. As long as that kid is a minor and he has legal control over him, he is also legally responsible for what the kid does.

If SS goes out drunk and maims or kills someone, your DH ... AND YOU ... may wind up on the bad side of a very expensive lawsuit for a very long time. If your DH is aware the kid is drinking and decides to ignore it, he is liable. Particularly if the beer/alcohol is coming out of your house.

After all, your DH does snuff so why not let the kid. Sounds like the same attitude towards alcohol - dad drinks, so let the kid.

If I (or someone in my family) was the victim of some spoiled teenager because his father wasn't man enough to enforce laws in his own home, then you better believe I'd be suing and I take every damn thing you own.

You should both be losing sleep over that, IMO.

Ok…so this is what I would do.

1). Let go of the snuff and beer issue. Your DH does not have an issue with it so no need for you to go hog wild over it.
2). Stop doing anything for any of them. No more! Start being the friendly Aunt and that is it.
3). Sit DH down and tell him that you will go into any room of that house anytime you want to. You pay bills and will not make it a habit of ever going back into SS’s room but if you want to, you damn sure will.
4). Also tell DH that from now on, you will pay ¼ of the bills. No reason for you to pay ½ of the bills when you are only 1 of 4 people there.
5). Also tell DH how profoundly disappointed you are in him for treating you that way in front of the skid.
6). Then you disengage and sit back and relax. Let DH parent his kids the way he wants to. Let DH clean up after his kids. Let DH but groceries for the kids. Let DH do it all.

You've reached a fork in the road, sister. Your wimpy H disrespected you in front of his already-disrespectful son, essentially giving him permission to carry on with treating you like the hired help.

Your life is going to get a whole lot worse if you don't put the fear of dog in your H. Look where being nice has gotten you. I would go on the damn warpath and make him fear upsetting you more than he already fears upsetting his juvenile delinquent son. I'd take the door off that brat's bedroom, and remove it from the premises. Joint accounts? I'd take half and move it to a new account in your name only. And then I'd inform Wimpy H that since he doesn't treat you as an equal partner, you will only be paying one fourth of the household bills. Move him to the couch, and tell him he can sleep with sonny boy if he likes.

Don't cook, don't clean, don't canoodle, don't cater, and don't waste your breath trying to reason with an invertebrate. You have two choices: Woman up, or assume the doormat position and be miserable.

Why you are playing maid to 16 and 15 year olds is beyond me. Stay out of their bedrooms. Stop doing their laundry. Not because you shouldn't be "allowed" in the rooms, but you really should have no reason to go into them. They should be 100% responsible for maintaining the bedrooms and caring for their own laundry needs. Part of parenting is preparing the little lazy slobs to enter adulthood, not to depend on a woman to (whether BM, SM or GF/wife) to be their unpaid servants.

Your husband is really doing a sh*tty job with these kids, but I have a hunch you are also one to wait hand and foot on your husband. The ol' housework is woman work. Soooo 1950.

I also suspect there are other "agreements" between father and son/s that you are clueless on. You said repeatedly this kid doesn't work and has no money. Have you wondered who keeps the kid supplied? You can't keep thinking kid steals everything he has that he perhaps shouldn't have or shouldn't be able to afford...no one is that lucky to never get caught. Someone, aka very likely Daddy and Mommy, are helping support this kid's ill habits. Even if the kid did steal money, you know he can't walk into a store and buy snuff and/or alcohol. Nope, he can't. He'd be carded.

Sammigirl, above, I think pretty well hit it. You can't control what this kid's parents allow him to do, but you can make very clear what you absolutely will not tolerate in you home. All those things at school that SS is up to and Daddy keeps pulling his weight to get the kid off from? It just happened in your own home. Kid got rescued by Daddy when you called kid out. Your husband is a willing accomplice to the kid's 'crimes'.

Your husband has made it pretty clear on how he intends to parent his son and he doesn't particularly care what you (or the school) think about it. The more your husband parents in this way, the worse the teen will become. Marriage counseling may or may not be beneficial in helping your husband see the harm he's doing both his son and his marriage. It might be worth a try. Otherwise you're going to have to decide what stand you're willing to take and how sincere you are in taking it.

I think we as mothers ~ see the bigger picture.. you let the 16 year old have illegal things... they could lead to worse illegal things showing up in his room.. or what if he drives the car after drinking beers in his room and gets into an accident... guess who also goes to jail. You and your husband. so where do you draw the line? Did your husband buy him the beer? Think you need to remind DH that he is a parent ... he is trying to be a friend to his son.

Why pay anything at all for a house you have no rights over? Your dh unilaterally decided what the rules are - let him unilaterally pay for that privilege.

I think you'd be well justified in finding yourself a little pied a terre to which you can retreat where you have the full authority of an adult to make the rules. You can invite dh over there and let him feel disenfranchised.

And by all means IMMEDIATELY stop paying for any TV service to that boy's room! Yikes! Confiscate the tv itself if you think you have a basis to (as in you bought that or whatever).

It is very, very bad what your DH did in front of your ss. My dh and I definitely disagree on a great deal when it comes to child rearing but NEVER in front of them. NEVER.

Also -- I have a hard limit on illegal or illegal to minors substances in this house. NO GO. NO ARGUING. DON'T CARE NOT HAVING IT.

UGH. The "MY room is MY territory is a sore spot in my home as well. I have an SD17, whos room looks like a crackhead lives there. I was missing some bowls and asked everyone where they were, and got the response "no I do not have them". So asked, and got the same response "no I do not have them". Guess where they were (2-3 items I was looking for)??????? Can you guess?????

SD17 winona's room. In a drawer, with FRAKING FOOD STILL IN THEM AND MOLDING. So, now we have the door off, and she is required to keep her room clean.

Definitely talk to you DH...what he did was very unsupportive to you. It sounds like he will not listen to you, so you need to school him with some hard knocks. There are some fabulous suggestions here - go on strike!!!! Let DH know you mean business and will not tolerate their shenanigans.