Where's my place

Forums:

I really need to vent. Something I have been struggling with is knowing what my place is as a stepparent. I have no children of my own. I really want children of my own. I have fertility issues. I feel like I don't have much of a say when it comes to my partners 10 year old son. My partner is often critizing that I'm to hard on he's son and need to be more relaxed. For example a recent topic that we are not seeing eye to eye was whether or not his son should have friends sleep over. My instinct is to say no because in the past sleepovers have been difficult to deal with. The boys muck up together and don't listen to me at all. I find it hard to deal with and my partner just says that I'm to up tight and need to relax. If I'm honest I think I struggle with the fact that the decisions around my stepson aren't mine to make and I'm not a parent. It feels as though I give a whole lot. My time, love, care,money ,space but at the end of the day. I'm not a parent and I think it gets to me. Its hard for me to describe. I love my partner and his son. They are my family. But why is it so hard for me to feel like I fit into this famliy?

This is exactly how it feels

This is exactly how it feels to be a stepparent. Talk to your spouse about this. If u all are in the same house u should have equal say in things. Sleepovers are hard even for bio parents. Compromise on that and maybe allow one a month.

If u and your partner have not defined your role you really need to. But I doubt your feelings will go away. Bottom line is. That is not your child

Right the F on, HRcity!! BM

Right the F on, HRcity!! BM isn't in skids life at all and I'd beg someone to spew that bs to my face!!!

If you can find the answer to

If you can find the answer to this, please share it. Most of us are outcasts in our step situations and clearly know our place; for us it never changes and it never will change. it is just what it is and we learn to live to accept it and manage it (for ourselves), or leave it.

This is such a personal

This is such a personal question that only you, your DH, and SS can answer. Every family is different and SMs often play different roles. No you are not and will never be this child's mother, but after that it's up to you.

I see many people on this site who completely detach and will not interact with their skids. Maybe their experiences and situation require that, idk. Personally, I am and will always be an authority figure deserving of respect in my own home. I don't care if the kids are bios, steps, nephews, or friends.

I try to gauge my attachment to the level of a teacher or Aunt. Teachers and aunts have no say over big decisions that only parents are able to make. But if you are this child's Aunt and he wanted to have a sleepover at your house, you should have the ability and authority to mange that situation. Hopefully your DH will support that position the way mine supports me.

As an adult in the house, you

As an adult in the house, you have a say in what happens under your roof. Especially if you're paying your fair share of the rent/mortgage, groceries, etc.

No, you're not the child's mom, but you ARE an adult deserving of respect and input in your own home. DH needs to either pay for EVERYTHING because he's the only adult who gets any say, or let you have your equal say in the household - and that means even little things like sleepovers get ran past you.

I agree with your first

I agree with your first point, absolutely. She should have a say - not be given permission. But the second point...

I would hope that most stepparents can be self-aware enough to know when they're saying "no" to something simply because they're void of the heartstrings parents have when making decisions. I know in my case, I can realize when SD asks to go to a birthday party, that my first instinct is "ugh i don't wanna deal with this" but if it was my bio child, my first thought would be "yay let's go buy a gift and get you ready" and I act on what is in her best interest/what I would do for a bio child instead of my first instinct.

That's part of the sacrifice of being a stepparent. It's NEVER as enjoyable doing a lot of things we'd do for our own bio kids for stepkids, but any person who's willing to take away from a kid's childhood because they're childless and don't have the same love for the kid, shouldn't be in the position of being a stepparent to be honest. If that's OPs case, than I wholeheartedly agree that she shouldn't have a say in whether or not the kid has a sleepover.

But OP mentioned the kids don't listen to her when there's sleepovers involved. That tells me she's put in some sort of authority over the sleepover - or her DH isn't taking care of things - and she gets disrespected by her stepkid who ignores/doesn't listen during the sleepover. If that were me with my SD, i'd tell her no sleepovers too. Or better yet, I'd tell DH i don't care whether or not she has a sleepover but he's in charge of keeping the kids in line. I'd also have a talk about reminding the kid that I'm an authority figure in the household.

Also, girl crush is reciprocated

Newcstep is right: "I am and

Newcstep is right: "I am and will always be an authority figure deserving of respect in my own home. I don't care if the kids are bios, steps, nephews, or friends." This should be every SM's mantra.

I wholeheartedly agree that when SKs are outside of your home, it is easier or preferable to let the bio-parent handle just about all. BUT, when SKs are in your own home, that is different. Your house, your rules, and it doesn't matter if they are bios, steps, nephews, or friends.

This line, on the other hand, is nuts: " What childless adults lack is empathy. . . ." You don't need to have a child to have empathy for children. This line almost makes it sound like a pedophile with children of his/her own would have more empathy for children than any adult without a child. Talk about stereotyping. But, there is plenty of stereotyping of SMs on these pages as far as what they should or should not be doing, so why not throw in bio-free individuals as well!?

Anyway, this line is true: "You need to be able to run your household [as a team] and shouldn't allow your husband to usurp your authority" period. You and your husband are married and a couple and need to work things out in your home just like any other couple. When you marry a man with children, no matter what anyone says it does NOT mean you are now 4th on DH's list, behind DH, SKs and BM, and that you just have to suck it up and take it.

This line, on the other hand,

THIS. Not all childless adults lack empathy or care for kids. There are plenty of times my husband can be too hard on SD and I'm the one who reminds him that she's just a kid and he needs to apologize. There are plenty of times the situation is reversed. Just because you have birthed a child, doesn't give you all the empathy for kids in the world. Otherwise BM wouldn't be shrugging off all the times she's made SD cry while I, the childless stepmom, give her hugs and remind her that she's loved even though BM didn't show up/call/whatever she promised but didn't do.

I totally agree. I've always

I totally agree. I've always been the one to plan sleepovers and special days for my SD because regardless of her not being mine, I wanted her to have a happy childhood and her BM was too busy swilling wine. Unfortunately, BM has a lot more influence than me or my husband and now the skid is too lazy and socially awkward to do much of anything we used to do together. But if she hadn't morphed into her BM, I'd still be down.

Thanks for the replys. By

Thanks for the replys. By money, I meant that my parntner and I have an equal share in the household finances.
Thanks for the advise everyone. I do think further discussion is needed with my partner about this. Someone commented about seeing myself as an Aunt or teacher. That's great advice thanks heaps. I guess pulling back abit and accepting that big descsion are not mine to make.

Thanks for explaining that

Thanks for explaining that more-so sueu2. It does make more sense that way.

I do understand that the

I do understand that the issue is not so much my stepsons behavior or even sleep overs. Its there is more of an issue with communicating with my parnter . Sleepovers was just an example. I would never want my stepson to miss out on childhood norms because of me.

How did you and your partner

How did you and your partner go about setting boundaries and rules together. I'd really like some tips or info about that. I really do want children someday and I would like to get on the same or similar page about discipine and rewards and boundaries and things like that. I know it about communication.But sometimes its hard to know where to start.

How did you and your partner

Thanks that makes a lot of

Thanks that makes a lot of sense

I think not being able to

I think not being able to have your own kids makes being a step-parent so much worse - that's certainly been my experience. I've been a step-parent for 10 years now and suffering with infertility for 6 years. With multiple failed IVF attempts behind me the chances of me becoming a mother now are slim to none.

What I've noticed as a result is that my resentment at being a step-parent has skyrocketed over the last year to the same level as the first few years of being a step-parent. t's not like I can have the life of someone without kids as I have all the responsibility and cost of raising step-kids without any of the benefits of being a real parent and that's a hard pill to swallow.

I agree. I am currently

I agree. I am currently having my 6th miscarriage. This last one was completely unexpected and happened naturally. STB EX DH could have cared less, he was busy with sd. But I chose to no longer be saddled with a man who cared less about me than his child when I was having our pregnancies die inside of me.
Hopefully nobody will judge my last statement as a who is more important thing. I had one miscarriage every year we were together. Once a year is not a lot to ask for emotional support and because he had his daughter I didn't even realize I was being neglected.
Also I started out with all the empathy in the world and wanted sd to have everything I did as a kid. But after the empathy gets beaten out of you by the both of them it doesn't matter childless or not. Some posters that do have children have disengaged and have no more or less empathy than I did. Imo.

You are here