You are here

BM threatened to flee out of country with ss if dh does not meet demands

iamlosingit's picture

To sum this up as quickly as possible:
BACKSTORY- DH and BM purchased a home together after being engaged for years and having a child while living in an apartment. Long story short, they parted ways soon after and were never married. DH never pictured not being in the home with his son, however BM refused to try and work things out (family problems, extended family problems, etc). Out of guilt for leaving his son but knowing things just weren't going to work out between him and BM, DH ended the relationship and moved into an apartment. He made it known that they would eventually have to sell the house but he was wanted to work together, he wasn't out to make his son or BM homeless but she needed to eventually find alternate housing. She agreed, but year after year always said she needed more time. I should also add DH was the one to initiate and pay a lawyer to go to court after they split up so he could have parental rights regarding his son. BM was wielding SS like a sword and punishing both for DH leaving, denying visitation upon DH arrival, changing pick up times last minute, and had even left the state on a vacation once before without even hinting that she was leaving.

CURRENT DAY- It's been 7 years now, DH is at the end of his rope. Again, he goes to BM but this time says they are selling the home by the end of this year and she has had more then enough time to figure out an alternative plan. He agreed to give her all equity she has paid into the home, and any upgrades made if they add value to the sale he would also give to her from his share of the sale. The potential profit is enough to allow both parties to essentially pay off debt and put a down payment on a home in their own name. BM response when told this was that DH should just sign over the deed, he owes it to her. When he told her he wasn't just going to 'gift' the house to her that's when things got ugly.
BM was quite convinced DH couldn't sell the house if she just refused to sign anything. DH explained since they were both property owners and not married it wouldn't matter if she refused to sign. He didn't want to do that to her, he would rather work together to sell the home, but if she didn't want to cooperate it would just delay the inevitable. BM then told him that if he didn't sign over the house that she would find alternative care for SS and do whatever it took to make his child support go through the roof, even going as far as threatening to leave the country and start over so DH could never see his son again. BM has extended family out of the U.S. it wouldn't be hard for her to just pack up and leave without saying anything. DH court papers clearly state that "Neither parent can leave the state without OP permission, an itinerary, length of stay, phone numbers, etc". It doesn't say what to do if either party violates the agreement. Does anybody have experience with this??

iamlosingit's picture

BM changed the locks a year after he left. DH knows he could go to the police with the deed and they could make her give him a copy but he doesn't want to do that in front of his son.

Stepped in what momma's picture

He should just wait until she is gone on vacation or overnight and call a locksmith to let him in.

iamlosingit's picture

He could but that still wouldn't get him a copy of the key, also she would just continue changing the locks. We need a real-estate attorney but I don't think they can do anything if BM runs off with his kid, we don't have the funds for either type of lawyer at the moment.

iamlosingit's picture

We don't have another $3000 for a lawyer, we were quoted $4k alone just for a real-estate attorney.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Did they represent themselves as married at any point?
Did she use his last name or her last name?

iamlosingit's picture

Never. Always separate. The only person in the household that has both last names is ss.

BethAnne's picture

Our BM threatened to leave the state and not return sd after her visitation this upcoming summer. My husband consulted a lawyer (had a free consultation) who advised him that he cannot really do anything until BM does not return sd at the end of her visitation. Also he was told that the consequences of her running off with sd would be very sever and the lawyer (who is sane) doubted that BM (who is not the brightest) would follow through with it.

I would be getting a free cobsultation with a lawyer then spending a few hundred dollars for their advice if you needed further advice. If the sale of the house goes through then your husband will be coming into some money soon.

This woman thinks she can get away with extortion, blackmail and kidnapping. She needs to know that your husband will use the full force of the law to prevent that. Up until now he has let her do what she wants, she expects that to continue. He needs to lawyer up.

iamlosingit's picture

The household before DH departure had 6 people contributing to the mortgage. He only lived there for a year, that is why he recognizes her 6 years of payments and is willing to not dispute the equity and let her have that in her payout. She now has 7 people making equal payments to her account for the mortgage but she takes alk the credit. When dh brought her to court for his rights she tried to tell the judge that the other family members "Didn't count because they lived in the basement".

iamlosingit's picture

oh lord I AM contradicting myself I realized what I did. Honest to god I've been typing "equity" this entire freaking time and I meant interest. She would be given all interest she paid into the home. The equity would be split. Cripes no wonder everyone is confused. It's been a long week and no sleep, sorry.

iamlosingit's picture

I can't stress enough: DH is not trying in any way to "pull a fast one" and yank the home out from ss and bm. He spoke to a mortgage broker and kept repeating "I'm not out for blood...she's had six YEARS and child support(that HE initiated), family support, everything to prepare a new life for herself and now I'm getting threatened for 'not giving her the house'.." DH and I work insane overtime to afford our two bedroom apartment, these last two years are the first time SS has had his own room. It's a 5/6 bedroom house and he currently is forced to SHARE a room with BM because her mom and many relatives live in the house (hence DH/BM split). He's not a toddler. Off topic sorry...it's just so frustrating. And sadly DH didn't get the threats recorded, bm insisted on "face to face" convo. He has two texts he sent confirming her lack of communication, asking "are you SURE you don't want to work together on this?" and no response.

BethAnne's picture

This is one place where the majority of people will understand that 6 years is more than enough time. Don't worry about being judged here, we get it. It sounds like a complete power play on bm's part if your estimates of them both having decent down payments out of the equity are correct. Plus the threats on top of that prove she is doing it out of spite and not necessity. She wants what she wants and if she can't get it she will hurt your husband in the worst ways. If she really wanted to stay in that house she could buy him out of it.

iamlosingit's picture

The home was purchased when the housing market crashed, it has now been appraised at double what it sold for. With DH willing to give her essentially everything she put into the house AND the interest she paid in from his share, she stands to gain about $80k and DH would gain around $40 or $50k. He's even willing take a 50/50 loss for all the needed repairs she hasn't kept up with since living there even though they are her fault... I don't understand why she won't just cooperate. She does really want to stay in the home, however she is a control freak. She might barely qualify if she allows one or two family members on the loan with her, but she wants to be able to say the home is "hers". Heck even with all of them splitting the mortgage she still tells dh she does it by herself even though they both know it's a lie.
When they bought the home together the bank flat out told her that on her income alone she would only qualify for a $30k house. She doesn't want to buy the house for what it appraised at, she wants dh to forfeit his profit and just sign it over to her, taking nothing. She said that she and ss "deserve it" and DH needs to 'go start over'.

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

Can he start eviction proceedings on all those extra people living in the house? If BM does not have their contributions could she afford the mortgage? Can he put a lien against the property for what his share of the equity?

Sounds like BM was using him and stringing him along.

iamlosingit's picture

He thought about doing that last year to the extra people. Yes he could legally do that as none of their names are on the home and no she wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage without them. Sadly evictions in my state almost take longer then forcing the sale of the home. Since they have been occupying the property for x amount of time they now have rights. Also I'm pretty sure you need both homeowners to sign the paperwork for eviction, BM will never evict her family so its hopeless.

Acratopotes's picture

DH should simply go to home affairs and flag his son's name.... no passport to be issued if both parents did not sign.
Also DH can report that she threat running with SS,

This is what my brother did with all 3 kids, and his ex wife never could take them cross border, they already had passports, but he flagged at the air ports and all other borders, she had to leave the kids at the airport, they simply said kids can't go unless father signed..... they did not lock her up or anything.. she was free to go, childless..

regarding the house - do not know your laws, but with us, if one person wants to sell and the other person not, the BM in this case will have to take out a new mortgage and buy DH out, if she can't afford it, the bank will step up and simply sell the house, split the money and it's done.

iamlosingit's picture

Thank you, I didn't know he could do that regarding passport. We don't even know if ss has a passport yet (he's under 18 does he still need one for her to take him?) I know BM and her family have passports.
Sadly in our state the bank wont step up unless BM stops making payments. In order for him to force the sale DH has to pay a lawyer about $4k and nobody gains anything: the judge assigns a realtor, gets to chose the selling price, and deducts the realtor and other fees from the total from the sale. Then BM and DH get to fight over how to split the profits and if the judge is in a foul mood he may decide who gets how much.

Acratopotes's picture

Africa is very strict about children and passports...below the age of 16, both parents needs to sign the application forms, below the age of 18 - no child can go cross border unless both parents gave written consent, and every time it's a new letter -

makes life hell for school sport traveling cross border without neither parent.

iamlosingit's picture

DH said one year of equity isn't worth fighting over, he is willing to give BM all of the equity in the sale. BM refuses to buy out, she is demanding DH just sign over the house to her and take/get nothing. BM does not qualify for a loan for what the home is worth, on her income the bank told her she can only afford a $30k house. She refuses to add someone on the loan to help her qualify (power trip/"my house")

twoviewpoints's picture

Refinance of current mortgage loan would not be based on it's now appraisal value. Example , if they paid $50,000 for home and she has been paying mortgage for seven years, all that is left to refinance is what is left of the original $50,000.

iamlosingit's picture

I understand what you are saying but that would mean DH would lose his portion of a resale which was the whole reason for them buying the house. Regardless she doesn't have a high enough income to own the home on her own even with a refinance. The home was purchased as a starter to be sold when the housing market recovered. The only way she could have the home is if DH signs a quitclaim deed. That would take his name off the deed but still hold him responsible should BM default on the mortgage.

zerostepdrama's picture

Agree!

iamlosingit's picture

So you're saying he should have just kicked out his own child and the mother out on the street to sell the home without giving her time to find another place to live? It isn't just about profit. She kept asking for more time to find somewhere to move to. He agreed, she kept pushing out the date.

iamlosingit's picture

I love how you assume that we are just out for money. BM does not have the income to own the home. They went to the bank, she does NOT QUALIFY even if they do refinance unless DH signs a quit claim deed. Her income is just not high enough to own that home, she refuses to sign with any of her family. A damn divorce is lot less complicated then this scenario.
DH could have been greedy and forced the sale much sooner after he left, again he gave her time to find alternate housing. He could have paid a real-estate attorney first, instead he got a family law attorney and brought BM to court to establish rights with his child so she couldn't just take off. HE initiated CS. He was worried about his child's well-being first. You're calling him greedy for not surrendering all equity... No parent with a heart would just abandon their child, pay a lawyer to tell the other parent to get lost and kick them out of a home with no warning. If it was all about the equity he could have been ruthless about it six years ago. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think BM would have handed the home and everything to him? Both parties agree its not going to work out, usually that entails giving the other space apart. There is equity in the home due to the location raising the value of the home. In what world does someone get not only a house but all the equity handed to them by dragging out the sale process for years and then flat out refusing to leave?