You are here

Is there any chance of "blending" here?

SDMommaBear's picture

Background:
I am a 38 year old divorced mom of 3 bio children, DS 19, DD 14, DS 8 who live with me full-time. My SO is 49, and he has a daughter aged 23 who lives with her boyfriend, and her two children from a prior relationship aged 6 and 3.

My now SO was a family friend that was a part of the family for 21 years now. My ex and him were friends, when I separated from my ex and my inner circle became aware that he had become physically abusive, my now SO became very supportive through my divorce and eventually we started a committed relationship between us. That was 5 years ago.

My ex-husband has a 26 year old son, who has a 6 year son, our grandson. I have maintained a close bond with my grandson and his mother throughout our divorce. My ex husband has an on again / off again struggle with recovery and addiction, and therefore is not able to have any unsupervised time with the children and this makes him highly inconsistent & unreliable & a very minimal part of the children's lives. Although they are still always eager for any of his attention.

His adult daughter was 18 when he told here we were dating. She did not take it well. They were at a family BBQ, and she started crying and walked out and wouldn't take his calls for days. Prior to me, he was single for 14 years, and poured all of his attention into her. She refused to attend our first Easter together at their families when she heard my children would be attending. When he asked her why she wouldn't come, she said because it's traditionally only family, and that he'd never brought anyone but her to a holiday and didn't think myself and my kids should have received an invite. He told her he hoped she'd change her mind, she didn't. She then proceeded to plan her BF bday celebration, and when inviting him, she would be sure to specify that the invite was only to him, and he was not able to bring any guests. When he asked why, she said it was b/c her mother would be there and she didn't want her to feel any awkwardness. Neither of us attended and she refused to speak to him for weeks. After about a week of that, he turned his anger to me. He said that I should have just told him to attend events without him if I cared at all about his relationship with his daughter. I NEVER asked him to take any stance, I only listened to him vent. That behavior went on for a bit more, and then she began to come around.

My SO and I do not maintain a home together. He owns a home, where he and his 78 year old mother reside, she is financially dependent on him and has been for many years now. He stays with me and the kids at my home from Thursday/Fri through Monday, depending on our schedules. We've been talking about marriage, and we both agree logistically that may be tough to figure out. His mom is not willing to live anywhere else but in that home (he was raised in it, and bought it from her about 18 years ago - she was engaged, her fiancé passed away and she returned to live with him about 4 years ago). His home is about 20 mins from the children's school/friends, etc., and only 3 BR, and not nearly enough room for all of us.

My current concern, and figuring out there are many along the way trying to mesh together, is that he is not at all interested in attending my 8 year olds baseball games with me. He states that his grandson is playing baseball and he needs to be there instead. After an argument, he attended opening Day, but since then has only come to watch a few innings last Saturday because he was meeting me there after work. There are only 4 games left this season, and he has not showed any interest. Yesterday I needed help to get my son to his game by 4pm, so I asked him to take him and I'd meet them there. This is only the 2nd time in 5 years I've asked him to assist me with shuttling kids. When I arrived, he was not there, but I spotted my son with his team. I text my SO to ask what was going on, and he told me that his grandson had a game at the same time and so he dropped my son off, then drove to the next town to watch his grandson.

I was not very thrilled that he didn't wait for me to arrive. Although the coach is a friend and we know many of the parents in our Little League and trust he was watched over. I also was upset that he couldn't stay and watch my sons game with me. I feel that there is no balance when it comes to the kids. He is only interested in being there and supporting his own family. He's been to all of his grandsons game except for one, where he had to work. Am I wrong in thinking that he should be willing to alternate between the two boys if their games are at the same time? Watch one game this time, and the other the next time? He says that is unreasonable for me to expect him to miss any of his grandsons games and that I'm asking him to ditch his family to be with mine and that he would never abandon them that way.

He will often be reluctant and express guilt, which typically is aimed at me in a negative way when he spends time with me and my children all together if his daughter and grandchildren are not present. Never does this happen when it is just he and I alone. But if the 5 of us spend time together, he'll say that his daughter and grandkids should be there.

I have tried to incorporate everyone. We used to have dinners, that I would prepare on Sundays and watch a recurring Sitcom after that we all enjoyed together. We had done that nearly an entire season, but one Sunday I told him I didn't want a late night after he told me they were coming. They often stay late, the guys enjoy drinks and time often gets away from them. My 14 yr old typically looks after the two young grandchildren while I'm preparing/cooking/serving dinner etc. It's not exactly relaxing for myself. But I try to do the bulk of all hosting duties so he can socialize and enjoy them. So I didn't think my request of not having it be a late one was out of line. He was angry, told me that she is his daughter and if she wants to stay all night then she can and he will not be limited to a time when it comes to his kid/grandkid, and reminded me that my children get to see him all weekend long and his only for a few hours. After that, I stopped making big Sunday dinners, and extended no invitations to anyone.

He has expressed to me how lucky his daughter is to have her BF, how he treats the grandkids like their his and how he has stepped up and become a 50/50 partner when it comes to the kids. He has expressed to me how great it is that he and her BF are there for the grandkids b/c there dad is not present and how they need a good male role model. I wish he could see that is what it is supposed to look like. Her BF is highly involved, coaches her son in baseball, and attends all events, school/sporst/etc. for both children.

I'm not expecting that level of involvement, but I'm just not sure what is reasonable to expect? I don't want my 8 year old to always be reaching out for my SO's time and attention, while my SO just keeps him at bay. We have many friends in blended families, and I typically always see the adults taking turns attending events when the kids have things at the same time, so nobody feels left out or has hurt feelings. When I bring that up, he says I'm asking him to pick "me" & my family over his grandson and that I'm being selfish and ridiculous. As a single mom of 3, I know the importance of rotating who I get to watch when schedules collide. But besides the importance of it, I WANT to be fair and avoid hurt feelings.

I'm certainly not trying to "take him away". But I do think that if we're talking marriage, that it's not unreasonable for me to expect him to stand next to me at the helm of this family and ALL that role entails to all of it's members.

Thoughts?

ESMOD's picture

Expecting your DH to watch your son's games is unrealistic. He has other kids who he is related to. He is not your kid's dad...so I don't see why he needs to do that?

I feel like he met his obligation to get your son to his game. Unless the policy is that a parent must stay, I don't think he did anything wrong.

It sounds like he has attended a bit when time allowed, but obviously he is going to prefer to watch his own grandson vs your son.

I would be much more worried about the future with his mom and the small house. The baseball thing should be a non-issue.

bearcub25's picture

I just hope he told the coach what was going on and the coach, or responsible adult, would keep an eye on the kid. I had to drop my kids at times bc I couldn't be at 2 places at once.

bearcub25's picture

that it's not unreasonable for me to expect him to stand next to me at the helm of this family and ALL that role entails to all of it's members.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes it is unreasonable. He has other responsibilities and obligations to his DD and Gson.

Do you go to all of his grandkids games? If you don't, why not?

You should worry more about your 8yo reaching out to his Bio Father and him not being there instead of this new man in his life. Your DSO can't replace your son's biodad.

Why couldn't you limit the Sunday dinners to once a month and then the late nite wouldn't be a big issue. Or host the dinners at his house and that way, you could leave when you wanted?

Honestly, I did the sports thing for 20+ years with my bios and my oldest grandson. I don't attend SD16s softball games, or very few, and she is with us 100% of the time. DSO questioned it last season or so. I said do you want to go to Gsons soccer games? No, he doesn't like soccer and its boring and he is burnt out from SDs softball and band. Lightbulb moment for him when he realized that it ain't a blast for me either, and he doesn't question it anymore.

Edited to add: I forgot about his Mother. I have an 85yo Mother and when the time comes, I will have to step in that same role. DSO loves my Mom but if he didn't like it, hit the road Jack.

SDMommaBear's picture

I don't go to ALL of his grandson's baseball games, but only if I have to get my 8 y/o to his game. When the game times don't collide, I go to his grandsons games. I go to granddaughter's dance recitals. I go to their school plays/programs. Etc. But he would never have to ask me, I absolutely adore them, and I WANT to show them my support, and I WANT to root for them in all that they ever do.

My SO doesn't reciprocate that, if they don't collide he'll still occupy his time with something other than joining me at sports.

My son would LOVE to have his bio father in his life more - unfortunately he's an active addict who is in and out of jail and can only have supervised visitation until he shows the courts 6 mos. of clean time. After two years, he's not had 1 clean test. I don't see that being a viable path. My SO isn't a "new" guy in their life, he's been around since before they were born. They've all grown up knowing him as a family friend, they've always loved spending time with him. My youngest has always been especially enamored with him. My SO can often be a big - kid in a man's body - which attracts kids by the droves!

Regarding his mother, it's not that either one of us don't want to do what's right. It's that she is quite difficult in that she is unwilling to live anywhere else but where they live now, and refuses to have anyone move in there (we would never all fit anyways). We've discussed finding a home big enough for all of us, she refused. We've discussed her living with his other siblings, they declined and she's told us she wouldn't go anyways. The only thing she says she'd even consider is if we purchase a home with enough land that she could have her own small home somewhere on the property but not residing in the same home. Of the last 21 years, she's resided with and been financially dependent on him for all but maybe 5-6 of those years. He's expressed how sad he is that he's never married, been single for so long and then finally wants to marry and begin a life together - but just until he can find a way to please his mother too. He knows she's older and wants nothing to upset her, so he is very set on only doing what she is comfortable with.

SDMommaBear's picture

ESMOD - We are both concerned about the living situation - and the caretaking of his mom. He's asked both of his sisters if they were willing to invite her to live with them. They've both declined, and he has expressed on a few occasions that he is at a loss of what to do there. We've been brainstorming about ways we can work things so that everyone is accommodated.

downsouthinTX - Yes, step-grandson. And YES - definitely at two different seasons in life. YES - 2 other woman who are VERY demanding of him. Yes, my kids have A grandpa, no uncles. They seek his attention in that fashion, I suppose b/c while he doesn't "live" with us, he is there Thurs-Mon.

I absolutely think if it was his son, he'd be there instead, of course. However, what if it were two grandkids? You wouldn't miss the same kids game everytime, and attend only the others everytime. And I experience this with my step grandson...sometimes I miss my own kids games to watch him, and clearly vice-versa. I used to do the same when my step son was young and so was my son - I never decided on which child to go watch, root for, and support based on their bloodlines.

My parents have many grandchildren, they can't be everywhere. None of the kids find it detrimental that they are pretty much in a rotation. They know they're at least in there somewhere. My youngest is often asking why my SO isn't there.

Yes, I attend his grandkids stuff, and so do my two younger children (the teenager is far less interested). When we arrive places, his grandkids run right past him, straight up into my arms and then immediately to my two youngest children, and THEN to my SO. He often teases about it, asking them, what about Grandpa?

SM12's picture

I have been married to my DH for 6 years. My OSS and MSS are very involved in sports and always have been. I haven't been to a sporting event for the SS's in a few years.
I decided I didn't like going so I stopped. Now if my Grandchild was playing, I would want to go and watch. That doesn't make me a bad person, Just someone who doesn't like to watch my SS's sports.

Stop trying to push you SO into being involved in your kids lives. My DH did that early on and it was WAY too much WAY too soon. I ended up resenting him and the kids. I felt pressured into doing all these things that were making me miserable and I was furious at DH for trying to force me into it.
I rebelled and said NO to everything they were involved in and I have stuck to it.
You and your SO have separate lives. He lived with his mom and you have your own place. He doesn't want to go and is not interested in playing daddy.
Stop pushing him on this or he will resent you for it.

Rags's picture

"Am I wrong in thinking that he should be willing to alternate between the two boys if their games are at the same time? Watch one game this time, and the other the next time?"

Yep you are dead wrong. Though you are only the difference between a H and a W of being absolutely right.

This would be right IMHO:

"Am I wrong in thinking that WE should be willing to alternate between the two boys if their games are at the same time? Watch one game this time, and the other the next time?"

Why is this all on him and not at all on you? Is it not reasonable for you to support his families events as much as you expect him to support yours?

I understand your frustration... don't get me wrong. I just find the tit-for-tat perspective that you both seem to be taking to be counter productive if blending the extended families under an equity life partnership is what you are both looking to do.

I would start by approaching him to re-engage the occasional Sunday dinner with newly defined scopes of responsibility rather than the past status quo of you doing all of the work and your DD baby sitting while everyone else parks on their butts and contributes nothing to the effort.

After getting the new Sunday dinner distribution of duties discussed and agreed upon then I would broach the baseball situation of the younger kids/Skids/GSkids. What you indicted he has said about his daughters BF is a good reference point for this phase of the discussion. Ask him how the two of you can synch so that he can both participate in his GS's baseball activities and act in a similar manner as the SD's BF does for her kids with your youngest.... and must as important to the discussion and also a critical success factor... how are you going to occasionally participate in his support and participation with his GKids baseball activities.

If you don't start communicating and getting synched this has about zero chance of working in the long term.

IMHO of course.

SDMommaBear's picture

I would most definitely be willing to alternate.

I certainly don't think this should fall squarely on just his shoulders. I do make every effort to attend his grandkids functions, and I do so without hesitation or second thought. I like to be there for them, to be involved and support them in their own passions. And my two youngest like to also, they will often also attend games, recitals, Holiday programs, etc. for the grandkids.

I like the thought of trying Sunday dinners again, with more equitable responsibility.

ESMOD's picture

TBH, I think the best solution is that when there is no conflict in games, you go to his GS games and he goes with you to your son's. If there is a conflict then you each go to the blood related child's game. Your son shouldn't have to look out at the stands and see no one rooting for him because you and your DH are at his grandson's game.

It might be nice to be flexible enough to make different accomodations for special games like playoffs if one child is in a playoff situation and the other isn't etc.. but generally, I think that both attending the ones with no conflict and then each attending the ones of their own son or Gson is the best way to go.

SDMommaBear's picture

I agree...sorry I think I misunderstood what was meant with 'alternating'. I certainly wouldn't want ANY kid to look out in the stands to see no one rooting for them. I thought it was flip-flopping...

Rags's picture

Yep, what ESMOD said. The two of you should be able to work this out and have some fun together and with the extended blended family cast while doing it.

SDMommaBear's picture

I agree...sorry I think I misunderstood what was meant with 'alternating'. I certainly wouldn't want ANY kid to look out in the stands to see no one rooting for them. I thought it was flip-flopping...

ldvilen's picture

This may not be the best place to vent on this, but from now on, I think I'll just start advising people with children via a previous partner (through marriage or otherwise) to never marry or even get involved with anyone else. It's just too unreasonable to expect someone else to take on your mess.

You get divorced = you remain celebate. I just think expecations are way to high by all that somehow all of these families are supposed to somehow blend perfectly or even semi-perfectly. Usually what happens after a divorce is BM gets elevated to sainthood, dad gets demoted to deadbeat, and any woman dad goes on to get involved with or marry = deadbeat's ho.

Especially if you've never been married before, you have no clue what is coming your way. In other words, you are never divorced or even have kids, but somehow your title winds up being deadbeat's ho. No one should have to put up with that. I know some people argue that divorced couples who remarry have to just both settle for being each other's sloppy seconds. But, what about if you never married? And, who cares anyway. Don't we all deserve a 2nd chance?

Until society gets its act together and realizes that 2nd spouses or SOs have value to society, it is just too much to ask of someone you supposedly really care for and love--that they take on another family's mess and take on the blame for anything that goes wrong in that family because blaming non-blood thru no fault on their part is much easier than blaming blood at fault. Society needs to get its act together. End of story.

ESMOD's picture

This might be a better blog post on it's own. I am not so sure it really applies to this situation. there are situations on this site where I can agree.. people probably shouldn't have remarried if they were going to treat their new spouses the way they do (or allow them to be treated.)

ldvilen's picture

I guess what is bugging me about this post is that I'm getting the feeling that some kind of equation is supposed to be involved regarding what concern one should show for someone else's children. Like, you give my kid 6 presents = I'll give your kid 6 presents. You watch 2 of my SKs' ball games, I'll watch one of your SGK's. This is nuts.

Society just needs to accept 2nd families period. That is all there is to it. If people are going to start using math in order to treat others with respect, then we all lose. In my case, I'm attacked just because I married a man who was married before. As his wife, I don't even get to decide when I can be his wife. BM gets to decide this. At events, she is the one who calls the shots with my DH. I don't get to, and society acts like this is a-OK. Because, I'm supposed to suck it up and take it for someone else's failed marriage.

Leave me out of it, society. My husband is my husband, and I'm going to be by his side whenever I feel like it. If you can't handle it too bad. And, in the future, if BM or SKs think they can hook my husband up with BM at any event, I'm not going to care how many people are there. I'm going to say at the top of my lungs, "You can all go screw yourselves. This is my husband and we are going to sit next to each other throughout the entire event!"

AND, this is precisely what people are going to have to start doing--forcing others to accept that 2nd spouses, families, SOs have value. Jamming it down their throats, figuratively speaking. Otherwise, it will just remain the status quo and SMs (and step-dads) everywhere will just be expected to suck it up and take it 'til kingdom come.

ESMOD's picture

In this case, the second wife has a child by a former relationship. She sees blending as her new husband should have to come to her son's baseball games... even in some cases where it might conflict with one of his biological grandkid's games.

No one is telling her she can or can't go to whatever game she wants. No one is requiring her husband to attend his own grandchild's games. That is what he prefers to do. She wants him to stand more with him.

So in this case, it's not so much first family vs 2nd family.. but people are suggesting that maybe they try to compromise by switching off. I personally think each adult should go where they want to. The only pressure is coming from within the marriage here.

I don't see anyone minimizing the 2nd family. In my case, no one tells me what to do either. If I would not be welcome at an event, I wouldn't go and neither would my husband.

It sucks if your husband is allowing this poor treatment of you.

ldvilen's picture

Thank you ESMOD. Just blowing off steam. After all, StepTalk is where stepparents come to vent!

grace8205's picture

Most blended families look like what you described.
If you want the: He has expressed to me how lucky his daughter is to have her BF, how he treats the grandkids like their his and how he has stepped up and become a 50/50 partner when it comes to the kids. He has expressed to me how great it is that he and her BF are there for the grandkids b/c there dad is not present and how they need a good male role model. I wish he could see that is what it is supposed to look like. Her BF is highly involved, coaches her son in baseball, and attends all events, school/sporst/etc. for both children."

Find a guy that will do that, however very few and far between especially when he has raised his own kids and is now on to the grandkid phase of life.

If you want to stay with him you will have to except it the way it is.