Background:
I am a 38 year old divorced mom of 3 bio children, DS 19, DD 14, DS 8 who live with me full-time. My SO is 49, and he has a daughter aged 23 who lives with her boyfriend, and her two children from a prior relationship aged 6 and 3.

My now SO was a family friend that was a part of the family for 21 years now. My ex and him were friends, when I separated from my ex and my inner circle became aware that he had become physically abusive, my now SO became very supportive through my divorce and eventually we started a committed relationship between us. That was 5 years ago.

My ex-husband has a 26 year old son, who has a 6 year son, our grandson. I have maintained a close bond with my grandson and his mother throughout our divorce. My ex husband has an on again / off again struggle with recovery and addiction, and therefore is not able to have any unsupervised time with the children and this makes him highly inconsistent & unreliable & a very minimal part of the children's lives. Although they are still always eager for any of his attention.

His adult daughter was 18 when he told here we were dating. She did not take it well. They were at a family BBQ, and she started crying and walked out and wouldn't take his calls for days. Prior to me, he was single for 14 years, and poured all of his attention into her. She refused to attend our first Easter together at their families when she heard my children would be attending. When he asked her why she wouldn't come, she said because it's traditionally only family, and that he'd never brought anyone but her to a holiday and didn't think myself and my kids should have received an invite. He told her he hoped she'd change her mind, she didn't. She then proceeded to plan her BF bday celebration, and when inviting him, she would be sure to specify that the invite was only to him, and he was not able to bring any guests. When he asked why, she said it was b/c her mother would be there and she didn't want her to feel any awkwardness. Neither of us attended and she refused to speak to him for weeks. After about a week of that, he turned his anger to me. He said that I should have just told him to attend events without him if I cared at all about his relationship with his daughter. I NEVER asked him to take any stance, I only listened to him vent. That behavior went on for a bit more, and then she began to come around.

My SO and I do not maintain a home together. He owns a home, where he and his 78 year old mother reside, she is financially dependent on him and has been for many years now. He stays with me and the kids at my home from Thursday/Fri through Monday, depending on our schedules. We've been talking about marriage, and we both agree logistically that may be tough to figure out. His mom is not willing to live anywhere else but in that home (he was raised in it, and bought it from her about 18 years ago - she was engaged, her fiancé passed away and she returned to live with him about 4 years ago). His home is about 20 mins from the children's school/friends, etc., and only 3 BR, and not nearly enough room for all of us.

My current concern, and figuring out there are many along the way trying to mesh together, is that he is not at all interested in attending my 8 year olds baseball games with me. He states that his grandson is playing baseball and he needs to be there instead. After an argument, he attended opening Day, but since then has only come to watch a few innings last Saturday because he was meeting me there after work. There are only 4 games left this season, and he has not showed any interest. Yesterday I needed help to get my son to his game by 4pm, so I asked him to take him and I'd meet them there. This is only the 2nd time in 5 years I've asked him to assist me with shuttling kids. When I arrived, he was not there, but I spotted my son with his team. I text my SO to ask what was going on, and he told me that his grandson had a game at the same time and so he dropped my son off, then drove to the next town to watch his grandson.

I was not very thrilled that he didn't wait for me to arrive. Although the coach is a friend and we know many of the parents in our Little League and trust he was watched over. I also was upset that he couldn't stay and watch my sons game with me. I feel that there is no balance when it comes to the kids. He is only interested in being there and supporting his own family. He's been to all of his grandsons game except for one, where he had to work. Am I wrong in thinking that he should be willing to alternate between the two boys if their games are at the same time? Watch one game this time, and the other the next time? He says that is unreasonable for me to expect him to miss any of his grandsons games and that I'm asking him to ditch his family to be with mine and that he would never abandon them that way.

He will often be reluctant and express guilt, which typically is aimed at me in a negative way when he spends time with me and my children all together if his daughter and grandchildren are not present. Never does this happen when it is just he and I alone. But if the 5 of us spend time together, he'll say that his daughter and grandkids should be there.

I have tried to incorporate everyone. We used to have dinners, that I would prepare on Sundays and watch a recurring Sitcom after that we all enjoyed together. We had done that nearly an entire season, but one Sunday I told him I didn't want a late night after he told me they were coming. They often stay late, the guys enjoy drinks and time often gets away from them. My 14 yr old typically looks after the two young grandchildren while I'm preparing/cooking/serving dinner etc. It's not exactly relaxing for myself. But I try to do the bulk of all hosting duties so he can socialize and enjoy them. So I didn't think my request of not having it be a late one was out of line. He was angry, told me that she is his daughter and if she wants to stay all night then she can and he will not be limited to a time when it comes to his kid/grandkid, and reminded me that my children get to see him all weekend long and his only for a few hours. After that, I stopped making big Sunday dinners, and extended no invitations to anyone.

He has expressed to me how lucky his daughter is to have her BF, how he treats the grandkids like their his and how he has stepped up and become a 50/50 partner when it comes to the kids. He has expressed to me how great it is that he and her BF are there for the grandkids b/c there dad is not present and how they need a good male role model. I wish he could see that is what it is supposed to look like. Her BF is highly involved, coaches her son in baseball, and attends all events, school/sporst/etc. for both children.

I'm not expecting that level of involvement, but I'm just not sure what is reasonable to expect? I don't want my 8 year old to always be reaching out for my SO's time and attention, while my SO just keeps him at bay. We have many friends in blended families, and I typically always see the adults taking turns attending events when the kids have things at the same time, so nobody feels left out or has hurt feelings. When I bring that up, he says I'm asking him to pick "me" & my family over his grandson and that I'm being selfish and ridiculous. As a single mom of 3, I know the importance of rotating who I get to watch when schedules collide. But besides the importance of it, I WANT to be fair and avoid hurt feelings.

I'm certainly not trying to "take him away". But I do think that if we're talking marriage, that it's not unreasonable for me to expect him to stand next to me at the helm of this family and ALL that role entails to all of it's members.

Thoughts?