Wow, what a "connection"!
I've been with SD26's dad for almost 14 years. That's almost half of her life.
During all those years I've done the best I could at the SM "dance" - promoted her and her dad having time alone, yet tried to let the her know she was welcome in my life. Tried to be friendly but also kept a distance lest I be viewed as pushy. Never ever said a bad word about BM, and treated BM with friendly formalness whenever out paths crossed. My family tried a few times to do the same thing with SD, included her in dinners, etc. and she was cool as a cucumber during those, too.
All of it was for naught. Never was able to develop a relationship with her; she is always very cool and standoff-ish. She rebuffed the few small efforts I made to extend a hand and get to know her better over the years.
After more than a decade, we are really nothing more than strangers. If my SO died tomorrow, I know for a fact I would never hear from this young woman again. I NEVER hear from her directly except once per year, when she sends me a text that says, "Happy Birthday!" - and that's it. And that is prompted by her father, I'm sure.
SD was engaged within six months of first meeting her fiance. After the very first time SD met his sister, she was gushing about how wonderful she was, how much she loved the sister's little boy, etc. According to the fiance, he and his sister are VERY close so I was wondering how all this would work out. I was thinking it was SD's way of making a good impression, and that her true colors would eventually show.
Well, it looks like it is working out quite well. SD's soon-to-be sister in law has put up a glowing post on their wedding website about how she can't wait to call SD "sister" and how wonderful she is, how close they are, and how much she loves that SD had such a "strong and immediate connection" with her and her kid. She thinks that SD is the best woman in the world for her brother and knows they will have a lifetime of joy.
Blech.
I just find it curious that SD can make "strong and immediate" connections with other women but somehow she had no desire to even TRY with her dad's long-time partner. I think this speaks volumes about how SM's are doomed from the start.
I am quite sure in this case, the BM is involved with the soon-to-be sister in law and that has a large bearing on how these relationships work out.
If BM accepts the female (whether it's SM, SIL, MIL, etc.) then the daughter will accept them too.
Not sure what the point of my rambling post is, other than to express annoyance that SD seems to have no trouble forging "strong" connections with virtual strangers, but God forbid she do that with someone who's been around for almost half her life.
She wasn't even sure of my last name until a couple of years ago. Sad.
Needless to say, I'm not looking forward to the wedding. But I'll go for my SO and will endure it politely for his sake.
And throw down a few free
And throw down a few free cocktails... :o
You guys got it! ... That's
You guys got it! ... That's the formula for success at any skid wedding!
One of my SD's even has a
One of my SD's even has a closer relationship with her boyfriends step family than her own step mother. At this point I almost find it funny. I've been around 14 years, the boyfriend has been around 2 years, so she has know his step family less.
It is understandable that she
It is understandable that she might gravitate to people who are closer to her own age. However, it appears she never attempted to get to know you at any level nor did she ever want to. This would be OK if this person was say, someone we worked with. We would realize we just don't click, nobody's fault, and we would just move on to people who treat us like a friend. But the sad, sad thing is we SM's keep going overboard to gain the skids acceptance. An exercise in futility and in my case, approaching masochism.
After reading all of the posts on this site about how SMs are treated at weddings I am sure you are going to discuss expectations and concerns about the upcoming wedding with DH. In truth, I would refrain from attending SD's wedding at all, but you are choosing what feels right for you. But if I was attending SD's wedding, I would make sure that DH fully understood we were to be seated together for the majority of the ceremony, even if he had to sit in the back with me after he gave the bride away. He would also sit with me during the dinner. I would not care if SD wanted a picture with her Mother and Father but if DH contributes any funds to the wedding he should insist on a photo that included me. All of these items are reasonable, respectful requests, and non-negotiable. If my wishes were not honored, I would calmly walk out of the event, leaving DH a note where he can meet me if he wants a ride home.
Oh do go. Be radiant, you and
Oh do go. Be radiant, you and SO be confidently on each other's arms and beam your happiness. Don't do anything but radiate confidence, happiness, and success. Radiant and confident people do two things. They attract quality people like moths to a flame.... and.... they send cockroaches scurrying for the dark corner when they flash their radiance.
As they say.... living well is the best revenge.
Enjoy your revenge and don't give this disingenuous semi-adult any time in your head.
Enjoy! }:)
I think it is common for SDs
I think it is common for SDs to mirror the BM attitude toward other women, particularly any women in DH's life. When I first came into the picture, I noticed rather odd snide comments...things about my weight (I am not large). Of course, BM is so rail thin she looks unhealthy, so I assumed she thinks anyone with any meat on their bones is obese! I recall SS saying "oh you've lost weight!" Which was curious since I've been the same weight for 20 years. It's all their gossipy games...and they can stuff it because I think of them as cretins.
I consider myself lucky that at least SD23 hasn't tried any drama on me, but like others have said, if DH died, I'd be pushed along and out of his half of the property pretty quickly. Precisely why I keep finances separate.
I give SD a small birthday and Xmas gift, but I don't try to be buddies with her. She is busy with her own life, ans seems content to stay detached. If she marries, I couldn't give a toss if I'm invited. I have utterly no desire to be "recognised"
Glad to know that you have
Glad to know that you have put yourself and DH above SD.
You don't care what she does with her life anyway, as long as it doesn't reflect on your marriage.
People dig their own graves and KARMA will visit your SD. When someone is phony, their true colors usually come out soon.
Get your nails done, so they show off, while holding that wine glass that you can refill often.
How in the world is a SM
How in the world is a SM occupying BM's place?! In no way do I feel that I am taking over BM's place. Nope, I'm married to MY husband, not hers. She willingly vacated the *position* of wife to DH over a decade ago. And I don't see exH's gf as occupying MY place. Ewww, she can have him.
You can't have fun w/your SM because your mom's in a nursing home?! You think you're being loyal to your mother by not hanging out w/SM?! It's like you think SM and BM are in some sorta competition over your dad. Is your mom still bitter over the divorce? Newsflash...SM married him so technically SM *won.* Oh but what a prize huh? A man whose balls are still in another womans purse and skids who resent her just for existing.
Sounds like you're still stuck in the fantasy of your happy nuclear family getting back together.
Ugh, if this is the ways skids really think then it's no wonder SM's are *evil* and the perpetual outsider.
HeavenLike, Thanks so much
HeavenLike, Thanks so much for sharing your perspective on the SD/SM relationship! It sounds like you and your SM have found a lovely balance in your relationship - respectful, appreciative, caring and without any pressure to be someone or somewhere you're not. I'm thinking that's really about as good as it can get in a step family. I'm sure your father appreciates it.
I loved that you took your dad and SM to dinner and helped with the laundry and bathroom before leaving. It's those sorts of simple shows of appreciation that are so meaningful.
I'm curious whether you feel it's appropriate to engage your SM with your dad in setting dates for visits or do you think it's reasonable that an SD connect with their father and leave it to him to explore that with SM?
Maybe so but that doesn't
Maybe so but that doesn't make it right.
I'm a SD also (my parents divorced 34 years ago and both had long 2nd marriages). And my mom was very bitter about it too. I chose early on not to have false "loyalty" to my mom, even though it is probably what she would have wanted. They were both remarried before I had my kids and I didn't hesitate to have my kids call them all Grandma/Grandpa and to spend time with all of them.
I am also divorced and remarried. ExH has a long relationship (don't think they are married yet). Why the guilt? I hope my kids have no reservations whatever with hanging out with GF if they choose to. Just as they spend time here with me and my DH and SD. Life's too short for this sh!t.
Despite what some may think,
Despite what some may think, I do not wish unhappiness on SD. As I said, "Not sure what the point of my rambling post is, other than to express annoyance that SD seems to have no trouble forging "strong" connections with virtual strangers, but God forbid she do that with someone who's been around for almost half her life."
It sounds like SD is being welcomed into a new family with open arms. Likewise, SD has QUICKLY opened her arms wide to forge a strong connection with people who she has known a very short time. I doubt they all know each other's personalities and traits very well at this stage. I truly do hope it goes well, although I'm suspect at all the loving devotion being shown by people who have only met a couple of times.
What this fundamentally demonstrates to me is that SD (as an adult) HAS THE CAPACITY to open her mind and heart to relationships with others and can do so very quickly. My annoyance is because I would say my role (with her father) is what leaves me out in the cold. I do believe that is driven in part by the BM's attitude but also in part by the SD's own personality.
StepAside actually articulated it best: "The OP wants to be acknowledged. Human beings are driven to have a feeling of belonging. Everybody does. Nobody likes being shut out. And the levels many of us have dealt with in being shut out have been all over the place. Certainly the SM's who were deliberately axed from any chance of us ever feeling included, might not appreciate how quickly and selectively new people are included into the family."
I do wish SD the best and I hope it works out because I think deep down she is absolutely desperate to MAKE a happy family and loving home for herself. She believes this marriage is a way for her to do that. I hope her wish comes true.
Everyone deserves to enter into a marriage/relationship and gain a new family with people who welcome them and care about them.
Even stepmothers/fathers.
Just wondering if she has
Just wondering if she has many long-term relationships. My SD does not make friends easily, and when she does they do not last long. She was an only child and so this might have been something to do with it. My Mother was an only child too and once said she was satisfied with her own company. Nothing against this, just a different outlook on friendship.
Your SD might be attempting to impress her future in-laws by trying to demonstrate how 'friendly' she is and how many friends she has, even if the relationships are superficial. But she has had a long-term dislike for you, and no matter how unjustified it is, she can not get past it. I don't hate my SD or wish her any harm but I don't like her, and she earned my dislike.
I DO understand how you feel though. These are new people whom YOU might have had a relationship with and you are being excluded and shut out while SD is making such an effort to impress these 'new-comers'. And there is just you - not anyone else, who is being ostracized. Whenever I met one of SD's friends I could feel in the atmosphere that they had been clued in to how awful I was. One of her ex-friends saw me in town and said she was surprised I was so nice after all of the terrible tings SD had said about me.
Your SD wants a happy family life but the only way for that to happen is for her to be happy with herself. Fast and superficial friendships rarely last. If she depends on others to make her happy, little by little the disappointments will accumulate and she will be back at square one. It is sad that you care for her so much. You have so much to offer but it has been her choice to ignore it, not yours.
Thanks for your insightful
Thanks for your insightful comments, Sandy. Although she is not an only child, SD does not seem to be able to maintain long-term friendships especially girlfriends. She often falls out with them - they always seem to fail her in some way, or as you say, "the disappointments accumulate." The girls she grew up with/went to school with are not even invited to the wedding. SD says she doesn't keep in touch with any of them anymore; now it's all fiance and his world, all the time.
I think you are right when you say part of this is to impress future in-laws. I am also concerned because I do think that her financial situation (trust fund baby) may be behind this "close connection." IMO, she seems to be buying affection.
That makes me sad for SD because I fear she may be taken for a ride. Her dad said he had a serious conversation with her about the importance of getting a pre-nup but I don't think she's followed his advice.
Bottom line is you are right that she has to be happy with herself first. You are also right that I could have been another adult in her life who was willing to be there for her. But it's too late now; I'm done. She chose the stranger route and I have to respect that. Disengagement works for me.
Absolute double-standard. If
Absolute double-standard. If my SO had outright snubbed fiance and was merely cooly civil to him, I wonder how SD would have liked that.
The reality is my SO is not particularly impressed with the fiance. But I encouraged him to at least give the guy a chance. SO has reached out to the fiance and offered to do a sporting activity together, and made it clear he was trying to get to know the guy and maybe spend some one-on-one time with him. SD seemed to be quite happy when her dad made these overtures and encouraged them to get together. (Again, happy family scenario she so craves.)
It's never come to fruition, though. Instead of calling my SO up to do the sport, fiance and SD invited BM to do it. And then showed us the photos.
People are not always who
People are not always who they appear to be on the surface, especially the first few years I have learned; (that includes relationships).....But eventually reality will set in; the real person walks out and the fun and games begin.
Give it some time, give this some time, give her some time, give this wonderfully reportedly relationship some time...even a few years...
Maybe relationships are different, but like SA stated above, she has goals set now...winning you over has never been one of her goals. She had/has no desire to put any effort into a relationship with you. As nicely stated above, you have nothing she wants.
Nice to not waste time on people who show you who they are....she did you a favor.
In hindsight, I am glad I
In hindsight, I am glad I didn't waste a lot of emotional energy like some other stepparents have. To read the stories here, you see how some people actually spent decades raising their skids and then eventually get kicked to the curb, especially when the gskids come along. What heartbreak!
I'm glad I got clued in and learned the art of disengagement. Not to say that I still get annoyed over stuff, but at least I did not get emotionally entangled with this girl. In the long run, that's probably been the best gift she gave me.
She showed me who she was, and I believed her.
"She wasn't even sure of my
"She wasn't even sure of my last name until a couple of years ago. Sad."
When ss32 came over the other day he asked DH, "What's her name again? Is it ____ or _____?" It's been over 5 years and the idiot knows my first name and has said it snidely many times. He was just trying to be cute and impress his barely legal girlfriend.
I wonder if he was trying to show off just how little I mean in his life that he can't even remember my name. But if I mean so little then why does he put such great effort into being an @ss?!
To forget someone's name once
To forget someone's name once or twice is human. When someone forgets my name habitually or on purpose I give them a fictitious name, sometimes close to their own or someone famous, then laugh. The looks on their faces have been priceless. Also, call him by another name.
^^Love it!!
^^Love it!!
Hilarious! I can do that.
Hilarious! I can do that.
Funny story that ties into
Funny story that ties into this post.. I have 2 SDIL's who have never been particularly warm with me. The younger one is pretty much a follower of the older one. The younger one is very fake and phony and likes to get on facebook on fathers day and put this huge-"omg shout out to my FIL we have the best times when blah,blah,blah" which does not happen. I happen to go to the local bank to get my bank card replaced and the agent asked me if I was related to my SDIL. I said yes. The agent went on and on about how the SDIL comes over all the time and cooks for their family when someone is sick, on and on.. I must of looked like I saw a ghost when I just looked back at the agent. I just kept thinking- are we talking about the same person? I just nodded and smiled. Too me a while to get the memo- but I got it now peeps