At my wit's end
I'll try to summarize so please bear with me..
I have a 9 yr old SS(not married to his dad, but long-term relationship since his son was almost 3). I have two teen son's from previous marriage, and a 13 mo old son with my SO.
SS is very intelligent, likes to read, good at schoolwork, excels and is gifted. He has not a lick of common Sense, no social skills, and the maturity of a 3 yr old. Causes problems in school weekly, the teachers all dislike him, he has attention deficit issues(not diagnosed yet), and in my opinion, is a sociopath. In summation, this child is a problem kid. His dad has anger issues and is socially awkward and sociopathic, and his mother is a narcissistic manipulator. Neither parent really wants to deal with the child, he gets ignored and left to watch TV all day at his mother's and is left with his teen (half-sister) who is just as socially awkward. He comes here for week-long visits twice a month, the same weeks my sons are here. (Shared custody and visitation) I have raised him basically by myself with little help from his dad, who I believe doesn't even like him, and his mother didn't want him to begin with so this child is really in a tough situation. He's constantly in trouble, defies all authority unless it's his dad, is disrespectful to everyone, knows nothing about boundaries, has to be guided all the time and entertained. He's a terror in school and has no friends because he's a brat. He needs a mental health evaluation, but his parents won't get it done because they're both wrapped up in their own lives and selfish. I'm left to deal with him because his dad is at work evenings and I'm home 24/7 until I can find a job to get back to. I physically react when he shows up. I grit my teeth and am on edge constantly. I dislike this child because of his behavior and personality. I have always taken care of him and will continue to do so because that's my job, but I certainly don't like him. He has created so many issues between my SO and myself. Constant arguments over discipline and scheduling and add in the fact that he's disrespectful to me and a snot to everyone around him. His mother taught him that he's smart and superior to others so he has a crap attitude and NO one likes this kid. I'm at a loss. I've thought many times about ending my relationship with his dad, who I love, simply because he's too much to handle and I do it alone. Neither parent really wants him it seems because they don't know what to do with him. Then I get no say in school issues or the evaluation that needs to happen or anything else. I'm not sure what to do. He can't be left alone with my infant son because I fear he will be mean, and I'm so tired of dealing with him and his issues by myself. More to the story, but that's a start. I welcome all comments. Thanks.
Everyone is going to tell you
Everyone is going to tell you to disengage and let his parents worry and handle their own kid. I know that it's hard because I am in a similar situation as you. My YSS has behavior problems and I think part of it is the result of BM's and DH's poor parenting. Not teaching the kid the proper way to act. There is really nothing that can be done if your DH doesn't think that anything is wrong. I have talked to my DH until I am blue in the face about his kid's behavior and he thinks there is nothing wrong with the way his kid's behavior and doesn't want to discipline him so I am in the process of trying to disengage. That is the best advice that I can give you.
I really appreciate your
I really appreciate your advise and I've heard it before from my own mom! I'm thinking that's the best option at this point. I know I can't make a difference so I'm just spinning my wheels at this point.i need to refocus my energy, love and time on my own kids and their growth. It's hard because I'm a disciplinarian and have expectations that will never be met. At this point, I wish he'd live with his mother, but dad doesn't want to pay for that and frankly we wouldn't be able to support ourselves as we do now. I'm stuck until he turns 18, or I've had enough.
I really appreciate your
I really appreciate your advise and I've heard it before from my own mom! I'm thinking that's the best option at this point. I know I can't make a difference so I'm just spinning my wheels at this point.i need to refocus my energy, love and time on my own kids and their growth. It's hard because I'm a disciplinarian and have expectations that will never be met. At this point, I wish he'd live with his mother, but dad doesn't want to pay for that and frankly we wouldn't be able to support ourselves as we do now. I'm stuck until he turns 18, or I've had enough.
And can you give me some
And can you give me some insight on how to disengage?
It is very hard trust me but,
It is very hard trust me but, all of the posters on here that have given me advice told me to take a step back and let DH handle his kid. Kid asks you for something go ask your dad! Kid is being an ass tell your DH you handle your kid. Kid is throwing a tantrum ignore. I honestly dread when the skids come over even though it's just EOW. We had the skids for a month in June and it was hell. So the kid lives with you and your DH full time?
We share him 50/50 with his
We share him 50/50 with his mother. He's here every other week. It's he'll when he's here because his dad is gone all the time so I'm basically it. If it weren't for my two oldest entertaining him, I'd go crazy. It's just going to get worse as he gets older..
What does the kid do that
What does the kid do that annoys you? Give me an example. Does he have ADHD or anything like that? My SS is 10 and has ADHD he has anger issues as well. Does your DH support you in disciplining the kid when he isn't there?
He's generally annoying.
He's generally annoying. Doesn't follow rules, "forgets" to pick things up, sits on the couch staring at the tv and sucks on his fingers, constantly annoying my other kids with requests to "play", doesn't give my infant son any personal space. Is a sore loser, we can't play Uno without him crying if he loses. He chomps his food at every meal even though I've told him constantly for 6 years to stop. He has no ability to empathize or sympathize because he's a sociopath. Generally annoying means he laughs at his own jokes, gets jealous when anyone receives attention and he's got the maturity of a 3 yr old.
It is either the result of
It is either the result of poor parenting and structure or he might have Asperger's or some other underlying problem that needs to be diagnosed by a doctor? Has BM or your DH ever taken him to the doctor for his behavior? How does he do in school? Does he have any friend's? My OSS has Asperger's and the YSS which is the one I have the most problems with has ADHD and anger problems. I know what you are going through and I know exactly how you feel. I too watch my DH's skids when he is at work and it's no fun. I think sometimes our DH's think that since we are their wives that we should take the mother role for their kids as well and it is really stupid and not fair to us. We didn't reproduce and have these kids so why have they become our problems? I did it because I wanted to please my DH and plus he couldn't take off of work. I feel like he was just pawning his kids off on me and they became my problem while he was at work. BM is a whole other drama scenario. BM sees DH and I as her babysitter that she can tell what to do when the skids are on dad's time as well. So that become another argument with my DH as well. Does BM coddle your skids? Your SS might not understand that things are different as your house than they are at BM's. He might get away with everything at her house and think that he can do the same at dad's. I am not saying it is right I am just saying that may be the case. Another thing is he doesn't see you as an authority figure because he doesn't see his parents as authority figures. I don't think the problem is the kid unless he has Asperger's or ADHD or some other issue. I think the problem is BM and your DH not teaching the kid how to behave correctly. Kids strive on structure and he obviously is lacking that. I have fought tooth and nail to try to make my DH realize that his kid is a holy terror but, he doesn't want to believe it or that he and BM are the problem so convincing your DH that is another challenge as well. So the only solution is to take a step back and let DH handle his kid when he is around.
Also he hasn't been diagnosed
Also he hasn't been diagnosed because his parents don't care enough to get the eval done even though teachers and I have been saying it for years. He hits other kids at school, goes to the principal often and gets kicked out of class for being annoying. He's a brat. And his dad doesn't care what I do as long as he doesn't have to deal with it.
So dad doesn't want to deal
So dad doesn't want to deal with the kid? He wants you to be the disciplinarian? That is bulls***!!
Exactly. The kid's school
Exactly. The kid's school calls me when there's an issue because they know me there and know I'm available. He hasn't finished an evaluation because parents don't think there's a significant problem. They'll wait until he's kicked out of class for awhile or a teacher finally has enough of it. Neither one wants to deal with him. Mom ignores his behaviors and he hates me because I have rules and he can't watch TV 24 hours a day. Dad says he supports whatever I do simply because he doesn't have to deal with it. I know he's on the spectrum somewhere. I've said that since kindergarten.
Granny Goose. Hit the nail on
Granny Goose.
Hit the nail on the head. Dad is a sociopath gaslighter and he alone I can deal with (why I choose to I don't know), but parenting his child alone and with input from ignorant narcissistic mother is more than I signed up for. They both treat the child like he's an adult and can make his own decisions, when in fact, he can barely remember his shoes..
Ybarra357, I have a great son
Ybarra357,
I have a great son with my SO, and have no regrets as far as that's concerned. The issue is the SS who's unfortunately also eing raised 50% of the time by a narcissist manipulative mother who thinks the world revolves around her and her kids. Yet, they do depend on me for everything to do with their son, except major decisions when my input should be valid.
His dad has anger issues and
His dad has anger issues and is socially awkward and sociopathic, and his mother is a narcissistic manipulator. Neither parent really wants to deal with the child, he gets ignored
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:sick:
And you love this man why? SS is not your problem. I feel you may be projecting.
I haven't thought of that,
I haven't thought of that, but projecting what?
Your SO is an angry
Your SO is an angry sociopathic. You are staying with this person, who can NOT be a great lovely joy to be around.
Perhaps you really dislike your SO but are afraid to lose him for some reason and you are projecting your anger/distaste, to the next available person….SS
Think about it…you have told us your SO is mean, angry, a sociopath, a gaslighter, selfish and uncaring. Yet you are complaining about your SS. That makes no sense to me at all.
No. Unfortunately I can
No. Unfortunately I can handle an adult, the issue is the SS and the fact he's out of control and has two biological parents that refuse to raise him themselves because I continue to do it.