Peeling back the layers of DH's guilt
82 yr old Mil is in the hospital I went to see her and we talked for about an hour before DH and SIL came up to visit. MIL was apologizing and telling me how sorry she was that ss32 treated me so badly. She said he looked like a vagrant and was really worried about how his life was turning out. Then she talked about DH and BM's marriage and how they never got along from the beginning. Talked about BM's screaming and how terrible she treated DH. Next she told me how she saw ss32 when he was a baby and several times he had slap marks on his face and bruises all over. The way DH dealt w/it was by going in to work at 3am and working til 11am. She guessed he thought that if he was home BM wouldn't abuse the kid.
BM went on about how much ss26 was favored over ss32 and how everyone always said how happy ss26 was all the time compared to ss32. Well yeah, the kid who's not getting smacked around and is the favorite is going to be much happier than the other one. BM's lips were loose that night and she told me lots of skeleton stories and asked me not to tell DH that she told me. I haven't told DH yet and probably won't until after she passes.
Now that I know how terribly ss32 was treated by his own mother while the family just stood by I can see why ss is such an ass and why DH is so guilt ridden. Still not my monkey or my circus but it does fill in some pieces of the puzzle.
i am glad you are not getting
i am glad you are not getting personally involved in this circus.
i have personally dissected the unhealthy family from the narc father to the clueless mil, to the druggie siblings.
it makes sense but does not make me feel better to be in this sick family.
i also have no engaged in the circus once the in laws sided with one of the adult skids who told me to gth to my face. (the skid was promptly told to leave the house. )
Nope, not gonna get involved
Nope, not gonna get involved and try to mend DH's dysfunctional family relations. Their dramas are WAY above my pay grade and began decades before I was on the scene.
Your dismissal of skid was the correct thing to do because as an *outsider* there really is nothing you can do and skid is an adult and needs to behave as such.
I would say there’s always a
I would say there’s always a back story to toxic BM and that they pass on the abuse to as many people as possible because well why should they suffer alone. First the in-laws protect this women by never confronting her then they hide the truth by never telling the SM. They’re a bunch of clowns ruining family life.
Yes there's been a lot of
Yes there's been a lot of denial going on in this family, everything is glossed over, everyones fine and everything is perfect. I was perceived as the one w/the problem since I said WTF on a lot of issues. Now I just sit back with my bowl of popcorn and watch the show.
Ugh! I've lived the scene of
Ugh! I've lived the scene of "peeling back the layers of my DH's quilt for years". I hate it!
I finally put a stop to it 4 years ago. I told DH ENOUGH! (30+ years of hearing it). I didn't raise his rancid SD56 and don't want to hear about how bad BM was. I know DH wasn't perfect either. In my case SD56 loves this drama. The past is what it is and too many people blame the past for their actions.
I'm sorry, but this is a sore subject with me. It only adds to our stress. You have no control of the past. You can build from the knowledge you now have, but let the past go and tell MIL and anyone else, you would rather not visit their past. It will effect your marriage, if you live it. I know.
My SD56 loves to live in the past and the horrible days she had with BM and the wonderful days she had with Dadeeee.....
It only boils down to SD is a mini wife from the day she learned to talk (55 years). Ok, enough ranting.
Just hope you can let this go and help your DH move forward. Like you stated, it's not your circus. Be supportive as much as possible without getting into these conversations.
Oh, how I hate this. I didn't have a perfect childhood either, but nobody knows but me.
Good luck and ((((hugs))))
At this point I'm so
At this point I'm so disengaged from ss32 that I'm not stressed about it or feel like I have to do something to help fix things. It's crappy that he was treated that way and it explains a lot. I have compassion for anyone who's suffered childhood abuse but in no way does excuse nastiness and criminal behavior when you're an adult. There comes a time when you've got to live in the present rather than blaming your parents and letting the past dictate your actions. ss still plays victim and most of his family still feel sorry and enable him. It sounds like the whole family knew what was going on and they're still trying to make up for it. I'm the bad guy for not jumping on the bandwagon of paying for the sins of BM.
Like you I didn't have the perfect childhood and was in foster homes as a teen. I thought I had it rough until I started listening to other people's stories. There's always someone who had it worse and some poor souls who didn't survive their childhoods. Because of my experiences I have empathy for these situations but can't stand it when people excuse their terrible behavior because of something that happened years ago.
For me this is just a bit of knowledge and confirmation that no matter how hard I try there is no fixing ss's attitude toward me. His relationships w/women have always been tulmultuous and as his SM its no different with me but the good news is is that I don't have to play in his sandbox. Dh's monkey Dh's circus that he has front row seats to.
MIL made me swear I wouldn't tell DH what she shared about BM and several other things and I promised her I wouldn't. Honestly there would be no point in dredging up DH, BM and SS's issues from decades ago. I would only be jumping into the middle of their drama triangle and seen as the aggressor who was somehow attacking ss.
It's amazing that your sd is still milking her childhood drama at 56 and DH gets his ego stroked by it, how juvenile. I'm sure ss32 will be the same way at 56 and beyond.
Heartbreaking story. sorry
Heartbreaking story. sorry this happened to him and DH.
Terrible and sad history. If
Terrible and sad history.
If these people carry guilt now, it is because of their own inaction at the time when they should have done things differently. Please dont let this be transferred to you - especially "to make things right". You can not.
You are now dealing with a group of (somewhat broken) adults and it is within their own power / rights / ability to confront or make peace with each other. They can do this without your help.