With children that age BM isn't incorrect in her belief that its unlikly anything will change.

You're not her friend. Heck you DH isn't her friend. General society tends to agree once the children are adults the parents need to interact ends.

She may feel that attempting to meet you at this point is not only completely unneeded but also opens the door for problems.

The adults involved - there are no kids here - have said they are not interested. Clear boundaries have been set.

It seems you and your DH aren’t willing to accept that. If I was the BM, yes I’d be leery of meeting anyone who didn’t respect other adults’ boundaries too.

I understand your thought process on this and it’s commendable that you were willing to try. My DHs mother is very willing to be at family events with her ex husband (DHs Dad) and his wife so that the family can all meet up for events and not have to schedule separately. The SM does not want to be anywhere near my MIL so separate events happen. For me I see both sides of it, but I think it was very brave of you to try doing something other than just hating the BM because she exists.

Being civil and being best buds are two different things. You can be civil to each other and attend family events together. DH and late BM's parents hate each other but they still manage to attend the grandchildren's birthday parties. They are civil to each other at events where they need to all be in the same room.

However parents being civil with the new spouse does not mean the Adult Steps will be open to inviting you to events. That is totally on your adult steps and your husband. It has nothing to do with the ex. My 3 oldest step children's mother died of an overdose when they were small and after her and DH had been divorced for years. I came into the picture when they were teens. A few years into their 20's SDs get pissy and want to tell DH I wasn't welcomed at family events because I wasn't "family". DH declines any event I'm not welcomed at and Steps finally get tired of not having him at the events and start including me. Your steps not inviting you is between him and his children. Your husband needs to set boundaries with his children about respecting his partner. Unless the ex is demanding the kids don't invite you this has zero to with her.

May I add though this is off topic a bit.

We tell step parents all the time that they don't have to meet agree meet BM. That doing so isn't always what's best for the kids. They don't have to be friends or even try to be around them.

Why is BM not allowed the same thing? How is she wrong and not doing what's best for the kids when a step parent wouldn't be in this exact situation?

Double post please delete.

You're getting flack due to your title me thinks. You call BM "short-sighted", which is generally not a compliment.

Not wanting to blend isn't "short-sighted". Some people truly think that once you're divorced, that's it. Civility continues, but under no circumstances should joint events be conducted that don't need to be.

My SF HATES that I just a blended Thanksgiving every year. He doesn't like my dad and doesn't want to be around him. That's totally fair given that my SF is very much a "divorce ends the relationship" type of person.

My dad, on the other hand, doesn't have a big issue with it. He comes from a large blended family, and he just goes with "family is what you make it". He's not wrong in his perception, either.

My SF would never go to lunch with my dad in this fashion to "blend" the family, and as an adult, I respect that. My relationships with my parents now are not dictated by the other parent but by me. I'd be furious if my dad's GF tried this with my mom to make my dad happy. If my dad is upset by our relationship, I expect him to come to me about the issue, not have his GF, whom I like, try to orchestrate something behind my back. I'm an adult and have the relationships I have for various reasons, and while I'd appreciate her trying, I'd be more upset that my father didn't just come to me himself.

This division between your DH and his sons is purely that. THEIR division. So as nice as it is that you want to make things better for DH this is on him and his sons to work out,

My DH does not see his sons as often as he would like. I am open to him visiting them or them coming here. But I will not force the issue with him. When he sighs as gets all victim-y about not seeing them I ask him when was the last time he spoke to them or invited them to do something with him. This works both ways.

As long as you are open to your DH spending time with his adult sons and do not put up road blocks and are accepting of them then you have done your job and there is nothing else you can do. Let it rest.

Interesting discussion.

My daughter is 22, almost 23 - lives with her mom, and seldom communicates with me. My son, 19 *JUST* joined the US Army and is in Ft Benning right now, with a slick new haircut and some swanky camouflage duds. My ex is still bitter about the divorce (finalized 5 years ago). I say still bitter about the divorce, though actually she was becoming a bitter hag while we were married, so...

Anyway, she’s remarried and I’ve had a whole lot more “sidebar conversations” with her new husband than I have had with my ex or my daughter in the past year. He and I have talked about the kids and (s’prise, s’prise) he and I agree that my ex has treated the kids like babies their whole lives - and that has prevented them from developing. Child rearing styles was, indeed, one of many reasons we divorced - though the part that killed it was HER INFLEXIBILITY and her ADAMANCE that she have full control. My problem was that I allowed it - and she ran over me... she could be pretty abusive, and didn’t care if friends, family, or the kids were watching. She’s doing him differently than she did me, which is good - but he’s also not taking her crap and points things out and says, “Y’know, that’s just going to enable the bad behavior...” and she’ll say, “I know, but I don’t know what to do.” Holy cow, she admits to him that she doesn’t KNOW something??? The biggest know-it-all who I was able to work on to a point has finally ADMITTED she doesn’t know??? Hallelujah!

Anyway, she won’t talk to me still. But I get along fine w her husband, though I don’t know if she knows we’ve spoken.

But when my son came to me and said he wanted to join the Army, that was tired of stagnating at his mom’s and doing nothing to improve his life because he had no real opportunities, I walked him through some of that, but he wanted to *just go* and not tell his mom or anyone. His recruiter and I encouraged him to tell her, but I called ex’s new husband to give him a heads up so he could ease her mind a little, being that I know she is a HOT HEAD. We spoke for about an hour... it was good, and I’m glad I called him because they warmed to the idea, and all is well.

YMMV.

I have ZERO interest in having conversations with my ex. I have nothing to say to her, no business, no schedules or child support, no insurance, nada... as far as I’m concerned, she’s leading her life and I’m leading mine. Her lack of parenting was a problem, and her new husband is holding her accountable, though the adultkids will hopefully start their adult lives soon. And it took a phone call to my ex’s new husband.

You stated you wanted to do this for your DH. However, these dynamics in his family were broken before you arrived. You can't fix what is already broken.

You likely are feeling like an outsider and are also wanting some acceptance. You feel that if you broker peace, then you will finally be looked upon favorably. I get it - I tried the same thing. It was easier when the two different families didn't see each other.

Everyone here is an adult. The kids can choose who they want to spend time with. I know intact families where the adult children rarely come around.

If I am remembering correctly, DH sounds like a great guy from your posts. The best thing you can do is thank him for being a great DH to you, be a great wife and enjoy your lives together. The adult kids should not be in the forefront of your marriage, so don't put them there, creating a subject to fight over.

I’m friendly with my exHs GF. She and I get along very well. We aren’t buddies but if she invited me to lunch/dinner I’d go.
My son loves her and she loves him.
My mom and her are actually close, they trade baking and recipes and chat regularly.

We aren’t one big blended family but it does make get togethers easier. My youngest graduated last year and we were all there to celebrate. It was nice for him to have both parents and steps around without any animosity.

As for DHs ex, nope. I’ve tried to extend olive branches only to have my hand slapped. Anything I do is overstepping my boundaries.
I think the difference between the two women comes down to insecurities.

ExHs GF is secure in her relationship with exH and in herself. I don’t threaten her and her standing as GF, or stepmom.
BM is and always has been very insecure, in herself, in her relationships (she’s broken up with the last BF) and she always thought DH would spend the rest of his life pineing for her, waiting for her to come back and berating himself for letting her go. I threaten her and she feels I could affect her relationship with her kids. Which is crazy but crazy is as crazy does.

The relationship with the ex is different in each and every situation. And the ex can change very much who he or she is over the years.

BM was very much a ho-bag who slept around a lot from age 15 on. (Back in my day - remember I am in my 70s - people who slept around that young were truly damaged) She literally was the town bike. She and DH had one child (now deceased) from a random ONS where he married her since she was pregnant and then a 2nd child (the disgusting SS32) years after their divorce as both just had random sex with no BC. She cheated during their marriage multiple times.

But now at 50+ she is the most holier than thou church lady who ever existed. She is a militant member of a very strict evangelical church. She and her current DH (a former heroin addict) speak in tongues and profess to be so pure and true now that they have repented their horrible misdeeds in the past. I honestly don't care what happens in their lives.

I just want nothing to do with her, her DH or SS32. After she excluded DH from the elder SS's funeral 9 years ago I don't care what her issues are. She can just go eff herself and die.