My step-kids play both sides with lies
Hi everyone! I'm new here. Just looking for some friendly advice for a couple of situations I am dealing with my step-children.
Recently, I was told, by my fiancée's middle child (girl, 9) that when they spent the last weekend with their mom, that his youngest daughter (5) told their mom that I have choked her before.
This really saddened me and shocked me to say the least, because if anything, she and I have such a close bond, even closer than she and her mother, and I have never nor would I ever lay a hand on her. I was at a loss for words. When her father and I asked her about it, she herself was speechless. She started crying, and just looked like she felt horrible which broke my heart even more.
This is the second time that one of their 3 children has said untrue statements about me. I'm just lost and now unfortunately have taken a step back and feel like I can't get close with them or even afraid to because of the lies and stories they tell their mother and her family.
Just a little background info about the mother, she is an addict, well, recovering as of August, and was not involved for a couple years, especially for the youngest one, (which is why I think she and I have grown close), and gets them every other weekend for 4 days, and it is always at the grandmother's house, who I know is known for interrogating the kids and making things difficult for co-parenting, etc...
Thanks!
You have to back away, if
You have to back away, if thes kids keep this up someone is going to report it to the police.
Places like schools are mandated to report this stuff if they believe or not. School, health care, doctors.
Do not be alone with there kids. Your SO must be there all the time
Ugh, I understand, and that
Ugh, I understand, and that makes me so upset. I've been more of a mother to them than their own, and do everything I can to make them happy and provide a happy clean structured home. I just don't understand why they would do this? Thanks for the feedback.
Even if you HAVE been more of
Even if you HAVE been more of a mother to them than their own, it can change. A good number of us have had that happen. The SDs used to talk to DH all of the time about how AWFUL BioHo was. We don't know what happened, but almost 2 years ago, 'Ho was suddenly a candidate for sainthood in the eyes of the SDs.
She is their mother. Their loyalty lies with her and they go back to her time after time after time. No matter how badly she treats them.
Unfortunately, it doesn't
Unfortunately, it doesn't matter what their mother is, nor does it sound like you and she have a closer bond than she and her mother. What matters is that you were in a position to be accused. NEVER be alone with any of the skids. NEVER
It is not unusual for skids to play parents against one another. Some WILL lie to one parent about what happened at the other parent's house. It's up to your fiancé to work out this problem with his children. You need to stay away from the situation. Again, NEVER be alone with them in any capacity.
You are dealing with an
You are dealing with an addict and their enabling parent whom I'm sure are not only making the kids feel horrible for enjoying spending time with you, but who are also out to push their own pathetic addict agenda on the kids. Sadly it never ends well for the kids or for the parents who are trying to keep the kids safe from the addict and all their enablers.
When you confronted the SD you should have also at that time let her know that because this was such a damaging lie you are not going to be able to spend time alone with her. Yes this will make her feel even worse, but reality is she needs to understand that by following the addict and enablers agenda it's going to affect her life as well.
My SD lied and said her stepdad molested her because her meth addict mom asked her to. We had already gotten custody of SD when the allegations came out and CPS got involved. When we confronted SD about the lies she admitted she did it for her meth mom, we explained to her that by lying for her mother she had done something very damaging to other people and that she could not be alone around anybody in our family because we were worried she would be willing to lie for her meth mom again. SD cried buckets and swore she would never do anything like that again, but we held with her never being alone with family members. SD never made lies up about that again, but we also never gave her the chance because we always made sure we were never alone with just her.
Wow, so sorry you and your SO
Wow, so sorry you and your SO had to go through that
It's very scary, and I have never been in a situation like this before.
I guess my only protection against that IS to distance myself and not be alone with them. Thank you so much for your feedback.
I agree with you. My only
I agree with you. My only protection is to not be alone with them. Which is unfortunate, because I like to take the girls to do things on occasion just me and them with my daughter. But clearly, like you said, they yearn for her presence, love and acceptance, and she is and will always be their mother.
Thank you for your response!
What custody arrangement does
What custody arrangement does your fiance have? Is it realistic for you to never be alone with the skids? What about your daughter? Have they accused her of anything? Does she spend time alone with them? I would give very serious thought to marrying this man.
Currently, the kids go with
Currently, the kids go with their mom every other weekend, from Friday after school, and they return to us the following Tuesday after school. It is realistic to never be alone with them, but VERY hard, since they are with us majority of the time, and based on work schedules, etc. I'm bound to be there alone with them at some point, unless he makes arrangements every time he leaves to either take them with him or find a sitter for the time being.
My daughter does spend time with his kids. Mainly his middle daughter who is just a bit younger than mine. They have not ever accused her of anything. Just normal bickering in a sibling manner.
Fiancée does back me and support me on my feelings and how the kids are misbehaving. It's very hard in this situation because on our side, we raise them with structure and balance and rules, and when they go with their mom (which is always at the grandmother's who is a crazy), they let the kids run wild and just buy them things and let them do/eat/say whatever they want, so there is NO balance between the co-parenting, and we have to do a HUGE reset when they come back home to us. Unfortunately they come back with bad behavior and habits in the short time they are there and it seems to override what we try to teach and instill in them.
Wow, already lying at age 5.
Wow, already lying at age 5. Either it is because BM hates you, and she is trying to please her mother, or something is really up. If these children have already started telling harmful stories, they wont get better, they WILL get worse.
I had a situation whereby the eldest lied to her mother ALL the time, about me about everything. She is sociapathic liar, anyway. So, she was at our house, we had an argument, and it was her "story" against mine. SO stood by me, and then she went to her mothers for her days, and told TBM and her younger sister that me, Clove, was trying to get rid of the children, and that we were going to try to kick them both out of our home. Munchkin freaked out, TBM freaked out, and somehow I was the horrible person. All because I asked her please dont have the rabbit on the furniture it will pee and poo. Winona escalated everything, and played the parents against each other constantly. She thrived on the drama.
Poor kids, they are so young to be involved in this type of crazy.
Yea I was just so confused
Yea I was just so confused and hurt because why now? It's been a year, and she is just now bringing up lies out of the blue? I've never laid a hand, or would I ever lay a hand on those kids. In my opinion, we've had a great relationship from the beginning. She always wants me to bathe her, do her hair, get her dressed, watch TV with her, etc... Why would she make such a harsh lie? But you're right, probably just to please her mom and looking for attention from her.
Truth of the matter? You can
Truth of the matter? You can be how good and kind and understanding to these kids - they are probably never going to love you more than they love their mother. There is an excuse (drug addiction) for why the mother is imperfect and kids will justify there feelings with this. You claim to have a stronger bond with the child than to the birth mother. This is how you feel... I doubt it is true in many cases: children are hard wired to their parents. No matter how good you are, please know that 9 times out of 10, you will LOSE in a toss up between Biomom and StepMom. This is just the way step life works.
The lies are probably attention seeking behaviour. The way for the child to ingratiate herself with her mother. The way to prove she loves her mother more than you... It is very sad.
You can not be alone with these children. EVER. Your bio says you have an 11 year old of your own. You really need to prevent a situation where you are investigates for child abuse - which can affect your relationship with your own child. These poor children have been dealt a rotten hand in life in that Mom is an addict. They lost their mom in some respects. You have to guard against becoming "lost" to them and possibly your own daughter - through abuse claims.