It goes deeper
BF told me last night that the Brother was molested when he was a little boy. BF said he needs alittle time to get ready for this to come back out. We talk abit about it last night. I understand BF's concern about how to handle this. So much time has pasted. The Brother has since had a heart attack. DK has tried to kill herself. SD14 & SD16 have expressed suicide as a answer to their problems. This could very well lead to absolute disaster if not handled correctly. I understand why BF can't do this with 'guns blazing'.
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Sounds like counseling is in order...
Suicide is never the answer, and mostly it is used as a means for attention when all else has failed. Those who comment suicide either do so very quietly (the means may not be quiet but their actions leading up to it may be). Those that use suicide as a couping mechanism, such as leaving notes, making threats, comments- they use it as a means to get attention. In either case it's serious enough that the entire family needs counseling.
If in any case, at least have the kids see a psychiatrist, because they are not learning ways or means of dealing with issues, or conflicts in a healthy manner. They see so and so in their family try, see the commotion that it creates, and attention, and often are mislead in thinking that's an answer. When really, the simple truth is if more attention, one on one time, positive reinforcement was expressed, a lot of 'issues' could be resolved.
I hope things will brighten up. Molestation in the family history is never pleasant and there is a lot of healing in the process. Be a rock and support your husband, but also seek your own counseling in the process of healing so that you can be a better support system to each other.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Sounds like a situation where lots of counselling is needed...
When people threaten suicide, they are telling people that they are hurting and in need of help.Obviously in this case, there is a very good reason for that. I would take these threats seriously especially in light of what has happened to them.
Thank you
I broke down again last night when he told me about the brother's past. Makes it kind of hard for me to want to kill him now. BF made me promise again to just let him figure out how to bring this up. He told me he is very embarressed by this. He even yelled at me when he found out I did mention it on this site, but then he quickly calmed down.
You guy's are the only couseling I need. And I will stand by him. I love him so much.
It sucks our plate is overflowing with shit and we too are having money problems. That's why we haven't set a wedding date yet.
You are the best
Thank you Fearless. I know you are. Only time will tell. Today I got an E-mail from SD16. She was alot more calm, almost sad. She said she just wants her Father to admit that hisa disipline was abuse. Then she said she doesn't believe that we really care about her. It broke my heart.
I basically said that he and I have been talking alot about the past and to give him a litte time to finish working things out. Then I attached a beautiful picture close up of herself the last time she was here. I added, How can anyone in their right mind not miss a face like this.
Thank you again Fearless.
Hang in there
Wow, sounds like you've got a lot to deal with. I'll keep you in my thoughts; you'll get through this. Keep us updated if you want but I'd (and I'm sure others) like to hear how the skids and bf are doing!
You know the other thing that worries me...
You don't want to dwell in the past too much, because it almost sounds like BM wants the girls to live in the past, not move on, seek the future. When that happens, this holds people back, and they never really move out of ruts, or learn their full capability. Your past makes you who you are, but if you live in it, then what are you learning from it? You know.
So, it's one thing to let everyone get it out all on the table, hash out their differences, but EVERYONE has to listen to EACH other otherwise nothing gets resolved, people will still dwell in it because they don't feel that they were heard... or feel they got their point a crossed... or even got their apology. But once it's been all hashed out, it's time to move on from there and set a game plan for the future- never look back. I don't know, but I'm feeling like the girls are going to constantly relive this, and never move on from this, And truthfully, I'm wondering if this isn't something that BM is feeding into them, so they feel it's whatever BM feels? So to me, I don't think it's going to matter if BF 'admitted' that his form of discipline was abusive or not... the point will be that the daughter will not let go of it regardless. And come on, what kid isn't going to see discipline as abusive... when is discipline ever fun! LOL. Okay, I have a new word for it... funapline.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
I'm with you 110%
DK loves to live in the past, even though she talks all this bullshit about 'moving on'. She consistantly blames BF for everything. She is always reminding the girls what a lousy Father he was/is. Case in point, the damb SD14 B-day thing. even after we explained everything to the kid and she understood, DK was still throwing it in the kids face 7 months later.I hear you loud and clear on this one.
DK is spending so much effort on making BF look bad. But can't look herself in the mirror and accept the family secret. You're right. This is not something to bring up, then wear on your sleeve the rest of your natural days. It is something that needs to be brought out, dealt with and move on.
Thank you so much for your thoughts. (and to those of you who have sent me private messages)
Bless your hearts. Jo