BM wants to give up 2 kids for 1
Alright, let me give you a little background. DH has three kids w/ ex wife. 2 currently reside with us and the third SD2 resides with BM. During the course of SD2.5 life, BM has refused all visitation of SD2.5 to DH. Even going as far as telling DH that SD2.5 wasn't his daughter. They did a paternity test when SD2.5 was 18 months to prove who she belonged to. My DH. So since then we have not had visitation of her. We have been going through a court case to modify the orginal custody decree which SD2.5 was not a part of as she wasn't even concieved yet. (Another Story). Therefore, she is legally not a part of this custody battle.
Okay, knowing all that, here is happened not even an hour ago. I recieved a call from her attorney asking if we would make a deal. The deal was that BM would NEVER visit or have anyting to do with the SS's and DH would NEVER have anything to do with the SD. In essence, if we agreed, we would be saving 2 lives and condemning 1. The BM is well and truly psycho and a detriment to the SS's mental, physical and emtional well being. We don't know the SD. All we know of her is her age and that she is female. The SS's have been in our life for 2 years. It has been a long hard road, full of so many emotions and fights and ect.. The SS's have been hurt in every way possible by BM. They fear her and hate her and wish numerous of bad things on her even though I and the counslers have encourged them to forgive her. They refuse. What do we do? What would you do in this situation?
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Wow.
How do you even remain objective in a situation like this?!
I think you and your husband have to first forgive yourselves for whatever decision you ultimately make, because either way, you're going to feel like shit about it. That's got to come first, otherwise you'll never be able to live with yourselves and each other if the decision, whatever it may be, ends up being a bad one.
My gut instinct would be to try to get all three permanently, but what if that fails? The way I see it, you have nothing to lose, because she obviously doesn't want the boys. Just offering you that deal shows how little she wants them. As a mother, I don't think I could let one child go, even if to save the other two. But that's as a mother. As a father who has never even seen the child, with no bond to the child beyond sharing DNA, I would think it might be possible to look at this in terms of giving a child up for adoption. Unless it's an open adoption, you have no idea who will be raising that child... it could be someone even worse than the BM.
I don't think there's a clear-cut right answer to this dilemma. I think the right solution is whatever you ultimately decide to do, if you make peace with that decision. Don't worry what anyone else thinks or says, just make your own peace with it.
By the way, I personally think she should be drawn and quartered for saying that to her own child. That's just evil.
~ Anne ~
We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.
I agree
With so much of waht you said. If we go to court, she gets visitation of SS's. That is a very VERY, bad idea. We get visitation of SD by court order but we would be back in forth in court trying to make that happen. I am so torn. Like you, as a mother, I could NEVER EVER give up any child of mine. I don't understand her. We did find out that if we take her deal, it doesn't hurt our chances of going back to court for SD a few months down the road. We have decided that IF we take the deal, she will have to agree to give up her parental rights so I can adopt the SS's. She obvioulsy doesn't want them anyway.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
I cannot believe her suggestion....
Why on earth would this woman suggest that she leave her own boys? She sounds mentally unfit to care for anyone.... I would think her own suggestion (to abandon her boys) could be used against her if you tried to gain custody of SD.
Why haven't you and your DH seen SD? When the Paternity test was done couldn't you petition the court for visitation?
I would NOT agree to her suggestion.... it is insane. But thats just me.... I would try to get custody of all three (for their safety).
We have
went to court for visitation but it was denied on the grounds that SD was only 20 months at the time we got a hearing and did not know her father and BM refused to go through a mediator for gradual visitation.
We haven't seen SD because BM has refused ALL attempts at visitation, that is part of what we want to acheive with this custody battle. I found out through an attorney that if go to court, she gets to have visitation of SS's and we would get gradual visitation of SD, but DH and I know that it will never happen that way and if allow visitation of SS's then she would not return them, probably putting them in the boys ranch she wants them to go to just to punish DH and myself. If we do take the deal, I get to adopt the SS's and then we can go back for SD. We tried getting custody of all 3 but with SD being 2.5 years and DH seeing her a grand total of 3 times since birth and all at a distance, then the judge says it is a no go. As for using it against her, apparently she is being commended for doing what is in the best intrest of the SS's and of course for being willing to give up her kids, she gets a gold medal and national recognition. Only BM's like her could something like that off. SHe walks through all this shit, talking all this shit, doing all this shit and still comes out smelling like a rose. I don't get it.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.