I can understand your frustration- I don't know your whole story but it sounds frustrating- but if the child is only 10 then she might be in the middle and in time she will see the truth ( i know probably not till she is in her 20's ) but maybe have dad sit down and talk to her like a little adult- just about lying etc. kids are smart if you plant a seed in her head she might realize that her mom is lying also but if that is the only example for her then she will learn from example- if your dh talks with her it will give her a new avenue to take an option - however then the consequences would be up to your dh if she chose to lie- all kids will lie to see what they can get away with. I did it- but it is the consequences to the action that counts- with my kids i tell them if they did something fess up - if they don't tell the truth that is like 2 things (1 the lie and 2 the actual crime) I always called it big trouble or little trouble ( little trouble being the actual crime- the big is the crime and the lie so they would get to punishments 1 for each)
It takes time and patience but it is obivous that you care alot for your family so work together and it will work out- talk and communicating with your husband is the most important.
good luck

You are right to breathe. Teh step mom gig is tough - how many women have to listen to awful things said about the man they love by family members no less. I tried to reply a moment ago, but I lost the comment, and will try to recreat it. You cannot be the one to disabuse this little girl of any notions she may have about her mom. You cannot be that person - that whole kill the messenger thing is likely to kick in. And you are right it could be fruitless, because she may not believe you, anyway. But more importanly, you don't want to be the person in sd's life to tell her unpleasant things about her mom, even if they are true. I am sure that you know these things, but the yare things I remind myself of on a regular basis with my own sd and her bm.

Here's the thing I concentrate on. I foster the relationship between my husband and my sd. Once your sd gets to know her dad all over again, she will know the things bm says to be untrue, and she will make an informed decision. And then her focuse might not be on which parent is lying, etc. it will be on how great her dad is. And maybe she will avoid hating either of her parents, which is really how we watn them to grow up. Would it be so bad if she never knows as a child what her mother is capable of? But instead thinks her dad is great. That is what I remind myself everytim my sd says somthing negative about my hd in words only her bm would use.

The kids are victims in all of this, which is not to suggest that poor behavior should be tolerated. But protecting them from the realities of the adult world is well worth it. And focusing on having a plan of action i.e. encouraging the relationship between hd and sd may help you feel a little less impotent in all of this.

These are just thoughts that work for me sometimes...

your sd is only 10, she will not understand what you tell her about her mother. i would not say anything about her mother especially if it's negative. in time when she is older, she'll start to understand everything in a bigger picture. as for now, discipline her like you would do to your own children. deal with her actions if bad behavior and do not involve the biomom's issues with sd issues/actions at your house. keep the discipline constant and show her that you care. i know you are frustrated and just want to say all you can about her mother's behavior but this is not the right time. like you said if you did, sd will just run back to her mom and say everything to her. there's no point in doing that. be strong and deal w/sd behavior & discipline. do not discuss bm issues w/her. i've been there before.

-happy mom

...that I can tell my truth without flat out saying, "Hey, kid, your mother's a flaming liar." Sometimes you do have to defend yourself, but you can do it in a way that doesn't attack the BM. For instance, my SS says, "Mom said Dad couldn't pick me up last weekend because he had to work." I respond, "Well, no, honey, he didn't have to work. He just wasn't able to get in touch with your mother to make the arrangements." Or the ever popular, "My mom hates you." I'd just say, "Well, I don't hate her and I love you very much. Do you hate me?" They say no, they love me, too, and then it's all good. As they get older and their deductive reasoning skills improve, they can figure out for themselves what is really what.

~ Anne ~

We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.

Boy...been there and done that..Only the liar wasn't the BM it was DH's parents and his brothers wife..

Generally, as the SM, it's been my policy to not discuss the BM or Dh's family with my step daughter. I leave that for DH,especially when it comes to questions about the BM. I just tell her that I wasn't there and I think her dad would be the one able to answer those questions to her. As an SM, you will always be setting yourself up, if you say anything negative to your step child about their bio parent.

However, if STEP DAUGHTER has asked me a question about things the in laws have said to her ABOUT ME or that INVOLVE ME. I will tell her my perspective of the issue. If they have told her things ABOUT ME and she asks I will tell her that it wasn't true if it wasn't true. But I never Bad mouth them or BM and I would NEVER take it upon myself to sit my SD down and say "Let me tell you about your mom."

If SD is making accusations about YOU based on information she got from her BM..Then by all means sit her down and discuss it with her and tell her WHAT REALLY HAPPENED..but don't call her mom a "liar" or say anything "negative" about her.

At 10, she will be able to draw her own conclusions as to who the dishonest person is with out you having to say one word..The sweetest bit of karma their is is to just give them enough rope to hang themselves...In time, BM will be swinging from the rope high and wide in front of step daughter. Let her hang herself, don't bring up or bad mouth BM but if step daughter as about a situation or accusation involving you tell her the truth.

Good luck..I know how frustrating and angering it can be..