Professional Help Advise!!!!
We saw professional help today in regards to, how to step parent adults Ex step children and the holidays! The counselor reminded us that there is "pressure" from the BM. Even if the SD does not even realize it. The BM in threaten by "us". She does not understand why her BD would want to have anything to do with us (or maybe just me). So I need to remember that SD feels torn! You know how BC are committed to BP. My H is not a BF to her. He is now an Ex SF.
I also found out that it is not MY responsibility to host the big family get togethers for the holidays. I am allowed to have time with my family alone and we can invite his ex-SD over for dessert later that evening. Since she does has other family locally. BUT, it is my H responsibility to host the party. That means he is to cook, clean and entertain. I just have to remember to let him do it! If we both agree to host the party together (all families) we BOTH pitch in and cook, clean etc...The counselor thought that maybe since I always did all the cooking, cleaning....that I was being taken for granted!! WOW...Hello!!!!!!!! She hit the nail on the head!
ALSO, if there is conflict between me and his children (step of Bio) HE is to talk to them about it! He will ofcourse defend both of us! He will just say...."I am sorry that is how you feel, we would never want to hurt you" He will do more listening rather then trying to "fix" the problems. You ladies know how we are! We need to vent and then we need a hug of understanding and love! Remember, this is only part of what was said to us. Counselors advise can be different for different people. But she did help us in our problems!
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Mary, thank you! That is the
Mary, thank you! That is the answer I gave when you typed this in originally and heard it from 2 professional counselors( a friend who does it for a living and the one I pay! LOL) told me same thing about Husband talking to the exSD , no matter the age. It is just nice to hear because my fiance is such an avoid conflict at all cost person , he refused to believe it was the right thing to do.The reasoning my counselors both gave was that it is a boundary issue and he is the one to set that boundary for the family with her in respectful manner becasue of the relationship structure and because anything you say will only add fuel to fire.Mary, I will stop now and pray that wehn your husband doe stalk with his ex SD that all the right words come easily to soothe her and explain your point of view nad that things go smoother from here on out.I hope you enjoy your new found freedom from all hosting respondsibilities as well and have to be nosey and ask , how did your husband take that? LOL
His reaction..
He understands that he is now to talk to the SD. He is willing to do that. He also said that he was willing to do all the planning of the entertaining with his family. My guess is that he wont invite them over. If he does, he will not put on the party they are used to. It may be even easier for him to just go to their home. All of this is just fine with me! I will miss the big Easter egg hunt with 20 - 30 people hunting and having fun. But that enjoyment was being over taken with hurt feelings. That is not worth it. I do feel new found freedom (in the fact of no entertaining and talking things out)!!! If I did not say thank you before, THANK YOU! (i did think you were right, but my H had to hear it from someone else)
happy days are here again
Oh, I needed to hear it again Mary, that is truly what I meant.I still post here even though after the girls on this site were honest with me which sucks at times but is just what you know in your head but have not accepted in your heart to break it off with fiance after 2 years and buying this house together, luckily he still lives in his. We talk but I have stuck to my guns, no action in getting his 28-31 year old children independent and have talk with 22 year oldex SD about either accepting us(our relationship) or there is no room for her at holiday functions or our home period. I am thrilled that your husband and you have a plan in place that you have both agreed to.I was impressed with your giving heart and generosity to ALL the children anyway and your willingness to do whatever the counselor said, guess you may have thought at this point couldn't hurt, might help! LOL Bets of luck to you.