Thanks for the idea and the support! I have thought about that, too. Perhaps I will go with my friends a SECOND time, without DH and SD. But I also feel upset that my SD's plan to bully me in to not going will work if I just avoid her and DH. It's like she won DH, and I lost him. She is trying to make it so miserable for me that I can't be around, and she gets him to herself. She wants to take over everything that DH and I have together out of her own jealousy and manipulation. It's hard to swallow sometimes, because I do let them do their own thing a lot, and it always gets rubbed in my face how much better everything is when I'm not there.
What do you think I should do about the separate lodging? Or do you think I should prove a point and make her also suffer with me there, not giving in to her manipulations to push me away from DH?

Hi, and thanks for the opinion. I appreciate what you are saying...it's like you lose either way, no matter what you do. I look at it like the "lesser of two evils" sometimes. I have often just let my SD win in the past too, and stay home or not go with them to avoid her behavior. However, it is to the point where she thinks she can keep me away from anything by just being a pain in the neck, so I don't want to go. She tries to ruin anything special DH and I have, or take it over for herself instead.

What's your take on that? I feel almost like my SD will keep getting worse about it and thinking that this is a game she keeps winning if I always back down and stay home. But, you are right - it's no fun when the skid acts out....it's like a punishment for me instead! Now what....?

Hi, thanks for your input! and support, too.

Please read over my reply messages to Vickiemac and Tookie2 and see what you think. I am trying to really get as much of a decision made soon since we have to book the trip by next week. Thank you both for your thoughts!

Strong, great words! I believe that you are truly right! But, unfortunately DH doesn't follow this...that's the problem. He will try to save embaressment and give in to her time and time again to avoid a scene. It drives me insane sometimes to sit there and see my SD smirk when she gets her way. If only my DH was a strong and smart about this as you are! I should definitely sit down and go over this with him...again, for the fourth year...and see if he will actually handle this horrible and manipulative behavior of his daughter. Do you think I should actually say something during the situation if DH doesn't? Like...should I tell my SD that her behavior is inappropriate and that she is ruining "our" trip? Should I call her out, or let it go? Or should I tell her how she is embarassing herself and then tell the waitress that my SD has a problem acting her age when she doesn't get her way, right in front of everyone? It's tempting some days....what do you think?

If I do go and hang out with my friends and not DH or my SD, or if I do stay in a separate place, that would make my trip less stressful...but, this is the thing. We work sooo hard....DH and I work 2 jobs each, run our business 6 days a week, and we deserve a vacation TOGETHER, like every married couple. DH and SD have other time together, even at home, they have their own special time and their own "dates" without me. Why should I have to give up my husband for "our" vacation time, that is so rare and well earned? It's not like DH doesn't see his daughter like some fathers, where this is one of the few times they will have together. We have my SD as much as BM. So, it's not like she is deprived of time or attention with her dad. I try to be very careful about not "taking him over" and giving them time together. What about my time with him? Call me selfish, but sometimes, I don't want my SD to ruin everything she can for us. Ughhh. I find myself growing more upset toward the situation. THANKS FOR YOUR LISTENING AND SUPPORT! What to do??? Any additional advice would be great since I have to book this trip by next week.

Anne, you're too funny! Yes, I feel like that sometimes...call them as you see them, right? It's just hard to ever sink to my SD's level, it's always backlash that hits me more intensely than her. She's a piece of work...but I do agree with others that my DH needs to help!

I guess I'm just having a hard time not going, since if I don't, then my DH and I won't ever have a vacation together. I would have a blast going with other people too, but I really want to spend the very little time that we have off - together. What do you think about me staying, going, etc.?

I am having a hard time dealing with what to do about this...my SD is being a little meany right now...she keeps asking my DH everyday and asking..."is SHE going, or are we going to have a REAL family trip with just the two of us?" My DH did tell my SD that was rude and that the "family" is all "3" of us, not just two. My SD is actually nice to my face most of the time, but then stabs me in the back to DH and her mom.

But, this is where I'm stuck....if I don't hang out with them, or if I spend time without them, then I miss out on my very hard earned vacation with my own husband...then it's gone, and my SD gets our vacation instead of us. Like I said, I bust my butt working 6-7 days a week usually at 2 jobs, running our business, and working my life around my DH and SD having their time together and my SD never having to go to daycare, etc. I don't think it's that horrible of me to actually want to spend our limited vacation time with my own husband, is it? If I don't go to this vacation, I miss out on a vacation with my DH all together....I guess I just have to make the decision soon....

Yes, I think I would enjoy another trip too!!!

But, who knows with the business and work...we work a ton. I just don't want to back down and miss out on the only vacation I'll have with my husband. Running our own businesses is challenging, because one of us has to be at the one place while the other is running the other business. So, we get very little time off, especially together.

I'm lost, because there would be nothing worse than spending my whole vacation dealing with my unappreciate SD, but then again, I don't get a vacation at all, or the chance to spend any time with my DH if I don't go. Plus, that allows my SD to know that she wins again and got her vacation, instead of us. Ahhhh....I wish my SD would take a vacation to boot camp!!! She needs it!

Hi! I am actually paying for the trip...I am the one with the disposable income. DH contributes to the cost, which pretty much covers most of my SD's part, but overall, I have to pay for most of the extras, since I make as much or more money than he does, and because he has a great deal more to pay out - child support, alimony, day care, credit card, etc. I don't have all that debt or those payments. So, my hard earned money goes toward the "family" which means that I end up paying for most of our household bills and our clothes, food, extras, etc. in the overall. It is frustrating sometimes. I feel like a glorified housekeeper some days who pays to work instead of getting paid. Ouch...being a step mom is hard sometimes. My DH spends money on my SD all the time, even though the situation is not fair. Do you think it would be way too harsh to get my own separate accounts? Then, that takes the essence away from the "team, Marriage, family" part though....what do you think?

You're a riot...that's funny.

Thanks for your message! I will try to use a bit of humor and remember that.

Thanks for your support. I appreciate your understand that this makes me feel stabbed in the back, especially after DH promised my SD wouldn't ruin it again for us this 4th time.

But, you're right...my DH and I do need and we always enjoy time with just the two of us. My SD always begs to go and inserts herself and her own pitty play as to why she wants to go with us on a vacation or trip anywhere. My DH always feels like he wants to give her every travel and life opportunity he can, but I feel that she needs to appreciate the time, cost and experience for us to take her. He thinks that he is doing the right thing by always having her join us on a trip or vacation. However, they have their time alone, I think that DH and I deserve our time alone too! Unfortunately, my SD doesn't see it that way. She really pounds on us and gets BM yelling at us that DH loves me more than my SD if we do anything without her, and SD goes on about how hurt she is that she wasn't loved enough to be included, or plays her games that she was around first and that everything was great before I came along, since she had all of her dad's attention and time then. I feel like an outsider or intruder in my own life sometimes. How did this happen?
Sorry to my SD, but nothing can be romantic, or even tolerable, with her on the vacation....talk about a mood breaker.
How do you think I could actually put a dent in this really rock solid head of DH's, that we deserve a trip without SD? He doesn't seem to get it so far, any ideas???? THANKS!

That was a strong and great message. I know that you're right...it's just getting DH to see that!

I do need to make that happen, I guess in some ways I would be crushed if DH did not prioritize us and then decided to not go at all if my SD can't go. I know that I did bring it up before, and DH said that he would take my SD on a separate trip for the two of them and then one with all three of us. I was upset because if they can take a trip alone, why can't we? Also, he doesn't have the extra money to do this, so it's my money getting drained to pay for our trips, because he spends so much on his daughter. On top of that, am I a jerk for even feeling that his 11yo daughter doesn't need or deserve the exact same matching vacations with her father that he and I have together? I think its weird...my friends don't take their kids on vacations without their spouse every single time to make sure that the kids are "even" with the spouse. DH has problems saying no to his daughter, and she knows that, and she plays on that big time. It drives me crazy some days. Thanks so much for your support though, it is truly relieving to know that other people are with me and understand how wacked this is. I feel like I am in jr. high school being backstabbed and not knowing how to handle it. You are great!

It is great advice, strong advice, and I feel that I need to continue to hold my ground so that I am not a victim. I just feel that it's hard to get DH to truly see what his daughter is like. He believes (like many fathers) that he can spoil her with love, time, attention, gifts, trips, or pretty much everything, to make up for the divorce. My SD really really gets it pounded in to her head that everything would be better if I were not here and her parents were together.
I also have the anxiety that DH will just spend money even more single handedly without ever asking me what I think or want too, if we had separate accounts. That might cause an even bigger problem. Then, he can spend "his" money any way he wants and give me no consideration at all.
DH can't possibly see that his daughter is not just acting out to me and punishing me. The thing that bothers me the most, is that if I don't go and let them go on the trip themselves, my SD will behave much better, on purpose, because my DH always says that she "so much more of her angel self" (try not to throw up) when they go places alone. So, it is made clear that I am the problem. I am the one who is unwelcomed. It makes me sad.
Side note - we saw an old friend in the store yesterday, and she said to my SD "wow, looks like you have all of the stuff to make cookies! You are so lucky to have a Step mom who makes homeade cookies with you! You must really love her, huh?" My SD replied "No, I don't love her. She's just the woman my daddy married, but I really want my mommy and daddy to be together. I love my REAL mommy. She and daddy were meant to be together. But, my step mom cooks good food, so she can be the housekeeper or something."
I ALMOST DIED! This is the crap I have to hear. BM is a lying, cheating, immoral, bad person. This is what her daughter is learning from her. It hurts, and yet, she's 11yo, so I try not to lose all hope yet. Then, when we got home, I told DH about this...he asked my SD if she said that, and she denied it! I told him privately that she was lying, and he said he believed me, but he can't punish her for something he didn't see, because that would be wrong. AHH!! I know that DH's biggest fear is for his daughter to go live with her mother and not us. She uses that, and it always works to scare him. He loves her so much, and it makes me sick that he won't stand up to that. He says there is no way that I could possibly understand how much he loves his child and that he couldn't stand losing her. He wants me to "bear with it" for the next seven years, then she'll be grown and he doesn't want to lose out on this time since he can't have it back. I feel like I talk to a brick wall sometimes. I doubt he'll ever get it. I just have to hope that I can make it through as he tries to improve.....wow, I could use a drink now. ha, ha!

I wish I had the assertive nature more naturally. I am always being told that I am not being understand about the situation and hardships that my SD have been through, that she is just a child, etc. It's hard to deal with my DH when he is so blind to my SD. So, actually, yes, when my SD does get the rare reprimand from school, DH does not punish her at home. It's so annoying for me to deal with but she knows I can tell the difference between her lies and the truth.
She also states all the time that she didn't choose me either and that she feels that I am a pain in her life. Her mother fills her head with crap. Her mother is a pathological liar, literally.
How do you think I should approach the situation without creating an even more messy situation, but yet still be strong about it? And how would you suggest I do that singularly since DH can't seem to do this on his own, or at least he won't do it on his own. He's too scared to lose her. I don't see the big loss at this point, since she is just draining to me, but she is an angel to him when I'm not around to prove her point. How did things turn around for you?