The only disability they have is their useless DBF.

If he won't listen to the COUNSELOR who is saying that boundaries are useful and necessary, then I don't know what else you can do.

You can try one last tack. You can say that you are open to wiping the slate clean and starting over. BUT... he needs to go back to the counselor with you and agree that there are specific behaviors that will not be acceptable, and he will have to act to address the things as they come up (lying, being disrespectful, etc.). Also, you need to establish some goals for your relationship together - what is the point if you aren't getting something you both want out of it?

If he will do that much, then there's some hope. But if he says you don't co-own the problem, then I think you may be better off without him.

I'm going through something similar. I've only been married a little less than 2 years, but I finally threw down the gauntlet yesterday and told my husband he was a "coward" for letting his two little brats jerk us around and waste our time, money, and energy because he dreads a tantrum from one of them (they live with us). He was FURIOUS at me. But he also admitted that I made some good points about how all the dazzle has gone from our relationship, and we have almost no time to spend with each other, we are so busy catering to them. So much for the honeymoon phase! They are "homewreckers" in a way that Angelina Jolie never imagined!

I wish you luck. At least my hubby admits he is getting pretty tired of having no life apart from being a serving boy to the "princesses." It's a start.

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. George Bernard Shaw

What is his reason for insisting you be around his daughters? Its not like they're little kids. One is legally adult and the other is almost there too. I don't quite get it I guess. It seems like the boundaries you've proposed are a way for him to have peaceful relationships with you and with his daughters.

He needs to open his mind a little bit to the idea I think. It sounds like you're being very reasonable.

I think all sparents go though this to some degree, but your situation sounds much more profound than most. BPs always like to defend their kds even when they are wrong. Its easier that way and they don't have to be the parent. Only you can decide how far you are willing to go.

I don't know what to tell you DA other than I understand your frustration and I think you have done the right thing by setting boundries for yourself and your child. I know personally I am sick to death of hearing how SD is tired or hungry or bored every time I mention something that DH has "overlooked" regarding SD's behavior. There is always a reason, always an excuse as to why SD is acting the way she does. What is she 2? No she is 12 going on 25 and knows how to work her Dada. Sorry but the whole thing makes me want to puke my eyeballs out sometimes. Stand your ground DA, you don't have to make your life and your childs life hell so that your DBF can live guilt free. I am with ya! (must be the hormones talking today)

~Evil

Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius

What you are saying about your dbf is that he refuses to "hear" you. For whatever reason he chooses to not hear you, it just plain is not acceptable.

He is putting his kids in front of his relationship with you, and that my friend is backwards. He should support you all the way in a united front with your marriage and rearing of children.

This for me would be a deal breaker. I could not bear to see my son disrespected just b/c my dbf doesn't want to pull the reins in on his kids. I know breaking up with someone is difficult and maybe that isn't the answer you were hoping for, but for me, as long as I am not heard, and my son and I were routinely disrespected in my home, I would end that relationship. Your life and your son's childhood need to be a top priority and your dbf doesn't want to "hear" that.

My dh has a 14 year old that doesn't have very good manners, thinks he is an adult, and routinely disrespects me, my family and my dh in our home. My dh put an end to that. He now lives with his mother, and we choose not to force him to visit us. We see him on his bday, my son's bday and Christmas. That's pretty much it b/c he can't muster up respect. My dh isn't going to put his marriage to me on the line for his older son (which bm constantly encourages to be hurtful to us).

Life may suck for his kids, but you my friend deserve better than be equal to a door mat for them. And your son deserves to be treated with respect in his home too. He didn't ask to live with these girls and depends on you providing a stable and loving home for him too.

Good luck,
Candice

DA, I also have a son with autism(12) and a BS(14) , I once dated aman for 3 years with a princess who told me how filthy my house was every time she came over, or what I was wearing did not match or pick on my sons constantly . I admit I would have folded clothes around or once I had a spider web on my chandelier while she was eating but filthy?? Just becasue her mom had a maid twice a week, when she asked what the folded clothes were I replied that was what her clothes looked like before the maid put them up. Anyway it got so bad even when I felt it was spotless she would walk over to the garbage can and comment that the lid had something on it and my boys dreaded seeing her and she was the only human they seemed to not wnat to be around!( my then 9 year old son asked was mature enough to not get mad at the girl but my BF and asked me later privately why he never disciplined her and thanked me for tecahing him what was wrong and right so he did not act like she did! LOL) My counselor also said IF her dad is not pointing out her behavior is rude then you can say no more to my house visits and not around my boys anymore. HE then said well how am I supposed to teach her if you don't give her another chance, I said teach her somewhere else, i have been abused enough( a year and a half) let her insult others for awhile.
That relationship was jst a stepping stone I know to finding someone I can respect that respects us. I agree with these girls , give him another chance ,make sure the counselor guides so you don't look like the bad guy becasue you are not and stick with those boundaries.

"We don't understand life anymore at 40 then at 20, but we know it and admit it" Jules Renard