need advice
SD16 and DH got into a huge fight last PM and it has spiralled out of control, quickly. SD is bipolar and needs some serious help! She is paranoid a lot of the time. She lost a CD and some candy??? and I got the blame for taking it. There are 3 others in the house, why me? I defended myself while she unleased a verbal attack on me. DH was in bed, got up and got into this huge arguement with her about visitation with BM. Everytime he allows her to go, this is what we deal with when she gets home. BM is also bipolar and schizophrenic, I think. Visitation was supposed to be supervised, and at DH's discretion as to time and if she would even go at all. He has allowed her to go spiratically, unsupervised...stupid I know. We tape all her calls to BM because of content, they all know this. Last PM she told BM that she was going to strangle me in my sleep, twice she said this. I wasnt to freaked out at first until something was nagging at me to go into her room this AM, so I did. Not knowing what I was looking for, I found my craft knife on her dresser taken apart and the razor blade missing. I took the tape with me to work and put it in my desk drawer and have told people where it is if something happens to me. My dad and DH say I am over reacting. Am I? I told Dh I wasnt coming home until he put her in a hospital for help. BM has convinced her that she only takes meds b/c she lives w/us. His answer is to send her to her mothers to live. What? Are you insane?? What to do???
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Suggestion...
If you guys haven't already---get her to a shrink asap. I would let the shrink hear the tape & know that SD is either looking to harm someone else or herself. In all actuality, SD might have taken the blade to commit suicide. You never know with someone unstable. Hear what the shrink has to say. If says to admit her for more tests or evaluations---then go for it. Personally, I would do this for the safety of SD and everyone around her.
As for shipping her off to BM's---well, I don't think that is the best thing for the child, but it would get her out of your hair. BUT, it would give SD a companion to scheme with also (her BM). Either way the situation does not look good.
"Sometimes you have to test the limits to show you're not a doormat."
SD
She would not be staying in my house. Frankly, I would not care where she stayed as long as it was somewhere else.
"My dad and DH say I am over reacting. Am I?" It makes me very angry when I see people stick their head under a rock and then act amazed when someone is murdered or paralyzed for life.
Not to scare you
but my aunt is friends with a woman who's grandson killed his step mother & put her head in the dishawasher all while BF was outside raking leaves. The boy was mentally unstable & BF knew this. You are not over reacting at all.
My DH is bipolar & going through a very rough time while having his meds changed. It is a horrible disease for the person who has it & for their family, but NEVER has my husband EVER threatened to kill me or anyone else. That is not typical behavior in my experience. What meds is she taking?
I think that vickiemac...
is absolutely right on. If she were threatening to kill HERself, wouldn't you and DH (and possibly BM) have a similar reaction - possibly commiting her to a hospital and a pysch evalution. I would not take it lightly whatsoever.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
I am w/ Vickie & CG
even though your DH isn't going to like it you need to let the police know. I she is on meds for this she must see a Dr who prescribes them, let them know. If a person w/ mental illness threatens to kill themselves their Dr gets involved. My Dh talked about suicide a while back & I called his doc & they got him in that day.
Are there other children in the house?
Given this day and age..
Given this day and age.. and how many kids kill their parents/stepparents.. I would not hesitate to report it.. I would also sleep w/my door locked.. and if I didnt have a lock, I would go out and get one on the way home.
Further.. I would play that tape for your DH and tell him this is UNACCEPTABLE behavior and then point out the real life tragedies that are out there of parents/stepparents not taking threats by the kids seriously. If he still has issue w/it.. ask him how he would like to have been threatened w/bodily harm.. to put himself in your shoes if he doesnt want another divorce.
As for your dad.. I dont know what to tell you.. I have heard from friends and family.. well.. you know what you were getting yourself into when you married a man w/kids.. and to that, I normally reply.. NO.. it is not always clearly apparent what you are "getting yourself into" until its too late, and where were you w/these pearls of wisdom when I was merely engaged!?!?!?!?
re. 'you should have known . . . '
'If you remember I told you this' - for one thing, no he did not-!!hey, my own dad has said this to me so many times re. my SD, DH, etc. until finally I got mad and said, don't ever say that to me again. When you married my mom you should have known one day she would have dementia, but you still married her anyway-! now see how stupid that sounds! Saying 'I told you so' serves no purpose to the sitation now. You cannot predict or control life, it happens. He stopped saying it. Thank God-!
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
Reading your post made me very afraid for you
Robinson, I think that you should take this very seriously. She threatened your LIFE. It may be a play for attention, but either way I would seek professional help for her. If it were me, I do not think that I would be comfortable in the same house with her. Going to her mom'sfor a while may not be a bad idea.
Please be careful. Did you ever find the razor blade?
Georgie
get a lock on your bedroom door
If you can not get her out of the house right away I say get a lock for your door a deadbolt if you have to. something to protect yourself. I would be very afraid. Your DH needs to take it seriously!
Please keep us posted
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
I wish I had some sound advice
But dealing with a SD with paranoid personality disorder I understand how you feel.
SD is jealous of BD 2 and BS 10. Especially BS 10. A few months ago she chased him into our downstairs bathroom with a knife and when he locked the door, she shoved the knife under the stairs to try to get his feet with the knife. All the kids think this was horseplay. I did not find out about the incident until a few weeks later when she told on my older son (13-same age as her) for horsing around with a knife and scaring her when we were gone. Once she told on him, he threw her under the bus for starting it herself with BS 10 a few weeks before.
I understand your fear. SD insists she wants to babysit, both BD and other people's kids. I have refused to allow her to do so, and have shared a few stories (not the knife) with my next door neighbor who has 2 year old twins so SD can't hit her up to babysit.
A few summers ago SD then 11, took a knife to daycare and "threatened" herself with it in front of friends. They told on her and she was kicked out. BM and SD made up a story for DH that they switched daycare facilities because that one was "boring" and SD wanted a new one. DH called the first daycare, and they told him the real story. SD and DH both had told me of BM pulling out a knife to threaten herself when SD was 8. SD still thinks that BM was threatening DH instead, but DH insists BM was threatening herself. Either way, what hope do I have to reprogram this child's life long study that being dramatic, threatening, rude, pushy, selfish, lying, etc...is not a useful productive way to approach life.
Ever since then I refuse to trust SD alone with BD. DH thinks that SD will not hurt BD, or BS 10 but he respects my feelings on it. When SD gets mad about not being allowed to babysit BD, she says, "It's not like I would ever hurt her on purpose or anything."
Not on my watch. EVER.
I agree with psychiatric evaluation. SD is under psychological care, but she refuses to go so we go and implement what the shrink says to do. It's not really working honestly. I think my distrust runs too deep no matter how I try.
Be safe.
Peace, love, and red wine
helps only if the patient is willing
I understand the need for counseling and if a person is willing to admit they have issues then therapy is great, it is when one refuses to believe they are wrong or need help that therapy is wasted.
My FSS needs therapy and he did go for a time but he refused to do anything the dr. suggested refused to listen to reason and pretty much things he is right about everything. it is sad cuz I think he could be a good adult, if he let people help him as he helped himself. I say stick to your guns and protect your babies!!
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
report this
Better safe than sorry. I am always reading true crime stories and also studied psychology and this sounds like something you should take seriously, even if it makes DH mad. I would call 911 to report . . you can say there is nothing happening right now so they don't send firetrucks, etc. but need to document this.
I am worried about you too! get the bedroom door locked-!!
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
Thanks guys
I took my kids and went to a hotel. To answer some questions, she IS supposed to be taking meds, but BM has convinced her that she only needs them because she lives with us. However, we do make sure she takes them anyway. On the flip side, DH does not stand there and physically watch her take them, so for all I know she isn't taking them. When she told BM this on the tape, BM's response was "I know". She really needs to see someone as well. Dh finally did call her psychiatrist but ONLY after she told him that she didn't have the razor blade and that when she gets mad/angry she "likes to keep them near her". His only response was to admit it was strange behavior. I guess he's having a hard time believing HIS princess could be so .... well evil. Anyway, she has an appointment today and I know they will suggest that the psychiatrist will put her in the hospital. After this though, I'm not sure I EVER want to be around her again, let all leave my boys around her, they are 9 and 7. If they don't put her in the hospital, I don't know what I will do. I don't know how much more of this I can take. DH says that he is going to cut all ties with BM, but the problem with that is .... how do you keep her form calling her mom from a friends cell phone at school? She doesnt have a cell phone yet, we wont let her have one until she starts to drive, which may be forever now. I decided to let DH handle it, for once, and I did take the tape to work and put it in my desk drawer. I told everyone I could think of that it was there and if they ever "needed" it, to please get it.
This is so rough...
I'm trying to remember, BM has same mental problem yes?
We have this problem with SD. She LOVED going to a counselor as long as the purpose was to whine and complain about the injustices we were putting her through. BM warned her not to talk about her, so since we told her to talk to the counselor about whatever she needed to, even us if she wanted to, she would just complain about us most of the time, or her "unfair, mean" teachers, or the ex-friend of the day.
Whenever the Dr would try to help her discover ways to change the way other people react to her, to own her part, she would shut down and become angry with the therapist. It is NEVER her fault. If everyone else would just do what she wants them to, she would be happy.
This is the exact thinking BM has too.
BM tells SD now that WE are crazy because we still go to the child psychologist without SD for help. BM tells SD that only "freaks" go to therapy.
Ummmm....nope. FREAKS stay far away from therapy because they don't want to know the truth about their own problems.
Sane people actually consult therapists for help, usually for dealing with all those crazy people who are too paranoid to go to therapy.
Doesn't matter - SD won't go now. I am going to try to set up appointments so DH can go with her instead of me. It's hard b/c the Dr only sees patients M-F 9-4.
I think in your case regardless if there has been anything physical yet or not, that any threat has to be considered serious. Especially when you're talking about your own two kids safety.
I would have done the same thing you did and gone to a hotel. I would consider getting my own apartment too. At least until H can decide if he's going to support SD or you.
Peace, love, and red wine
Why did your DH not take the
Why did your DH not take the sd to a hotel and stay w/her there.. Why were you and your children the ones to leave the home?? Sounds to me that she is getting what she wants.
He needs to wake up and realize that regardless of her being his child, he has a duty and an obligation to ensure that she does not harm another individual OR herself. And that if he doesnt take that duty seriously... he may someday be sitting in a court room watching a his child's murder trial hoping that they dont live in a DP state.
Stuck
Wow I really feel for you and your kids this is a horrible - not just to you but to your husband as well. He's got to accept the seriousness of his daughter threat, hatred and insanity while seeking to maintain a relationship with the one he loves and is supposed to be committed to(YOU) and still love and get the daughter he loves the help she needs.
Sounds to me like HE NEEDS counseling too. He's torn. I neither condone nor defend how he's been handling this - this is a big thing that could end in his wife being murdered and his daughter in jail.
Wooooooooooooow!!! Your safety first then he'll need to follow. She can't be around you period - not just for a few days - long term, years and years until she gets herself together. Where SD goes is not your priority. His priority is too defend and protect his wife even if it is his daughter who perpetuating the harm. I hope he wakes up and does the right thing.