WOW! WISH I HAD DONE THIS SOONER!!! LIFE IS SOOO MUCH BETTER NOW!
I just had to write about what has happened since my last post! The last time I wrote that I had set my boundaries regarding my DBF's two daughter's behavior and that I would no longer "allow" them to be physically around me and my son. I really expected my DBF to tell me our relationship was over and move out...but low and behold...SURPRISE! He told me he would "do whatever it took to keep me and my son in his life". He is even showing more respect and graditude for us. WHY DIDN'T I DO THIS SOONER???! Why don't we set the ground rules immediately when SK's treat us disrepectfully? I know the answer...we have been waiting (pleading) for our BF's or the SK's BD's to do it. We beg...we cuss...we plead...and they can't or won't see the problem. You know, I just got tired of trying to convince my DBF of his kid's behavior and took matters into my own hands. Life has been completely different for the last 3 weeks since setting these boundaries and my relationship with my DBF is slowly healing. He is learning to divide his time with each of us...and I don't feel neglected. It is "HIS" problem "NOT MINE". He has been spending fun quality time with me and my son and spending (away from us) quality time with his two daughter's. When he is off with his teenage daughter's I take the opportunity for just my son and I to be together one on one. I know many of you live full-time with your SK's and this is not always possible but I was thinking there must be a way for you to be able to set boundaries as well. Soooo after many hours of thinking I thought...why not hand over the responsiblity to the man in your life regarding his kids. If they don't treat you respectfully then you should stop doing the extra's for them...let your guy do it! Example: If they don't clean their rooms...don't say a word...turn the other cheek...if they want to live like pigs and our DBF's or DD's don't care...why should we...if we continue to allow these kids to treat us the way that they do, what are we teaching them?? That they can do what ever they want and still have us in their lives??! There is a song that I've been listening to lately and it sums it up for me...it is called "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas. Please listen to it...We are looking for the men in our lives to nurture us...We need to start nurturing ourselves first. Gosh! My counselor was soooo right when she said we show others how to treat us. If we allow them to walk all over us they will. If we allow them to disrepect us they will. I'm learning that I don't have to yell, scream totally lose it to have some control over my life! I've been out of control of the situation for the last 7 years and didn't realize the answer was soooo simple. Set your boundaries and "IF" they want to be a part of "OUR" lives then they must earn it just like respect. Life is just tooo short to expend anymore energy fighting with trying to convince them that how they are treating us is wrong and unfair. Let's surround ourselves with postive, loving, caring , compassionate people and let the ones who are negative, vindictive, evil, hateful, users be by themselves. It will force, the BD's to step up to the plate and deal with the kid's "ALL ALONE". Like many of you I have tried and tried to get the kid's to like me or accept me only to have them hate me more. The sad truth is...they hate my guts just for being with their Dad. I can't change what they are unwilling to change regarding how they feel about me. Soooo...I'm happy not to be around them anymore and God knows they are happy not having to be around me. At first, I felt "they win"...but in reality..."I WON"!! My life is better, peaceful and I'm finally sleeping again...all because I decided to set major boundaries!
DA
Comments
Ground Rules
Ground Rules is Key!!! Limits and boundaries.
I totally agree -- for the longest I was the one bending, the one accomodating, etc. etc. etc. And I got sucked into the blame game, "well if you would just..." It took me a while to figure this one out -- I just stood up and said "These are the rules, If you are not here, I'm not keeping him (SS12yr)." Married nine months--so setting the rules from the beginning is sooo important. I explained why (always got to keep it short and to the point when you speak to a man.) And I said "i love you but if we need to break up we'll have to because I won't live like this." (See hubby knows, that's exactly what I'll do.) Here in comes the test of heart. Love will make you work things out and sure nough -- the boundaries have worked--his S that doesn't listen, with the serious anger management problem has not stayed with me without his father in about a month. I'm just not having it. When SS doesn't do what he's supposed to do, I've just stop telling SS what to do. Now I go to H and say, "You take care of it." I have a new hands off policy.
Doesn't solve everything, but it solves me getting into it with SS. That is a major stress reducer, thank God.
Humm..
I agree to a point about what you're doing. Boundries are good but you'll never build a relationship with the two teens if you ignore them. What if you two get married? They are your family then. Would you dissown them?
And hello! Shopping!! Teen girls!? Hello! Go nuts. Even if it's just window shopping. Try on the ugliest outfits you can find and take pictures. Put everything back and the whole day only buy lunch. Go people watching and see which boys you can embarrass them infront of. have fun with them!
I'm confused on whatto tell you. I have a ton of issues with my 3 SD's but I won't be without them when they are there. We actually have MORE fun with each other when Dad isn't around. The tension between us both gets to me and him when we're all together. We just want them to have fun, but we don't always agree on how they will have that fun. But in the end we're ok.
I think you'll hurt your relationship with the girls if you diss them now. They won't be teens for long. I'd rather you let him handle the dicipling but you have to show them that you love them, even if it's really hard to do. I love my SD's but I don't like them all the time.
Keep working at it. This is only a snaphot of your life, you must thing of the rest of it as well.
Thanks for your insight but...
I understand where you are coming from but I don't think you understand the severity and depth of the problems...I have tried to get them to go shopping etc...I've done alot of wonderful things for his two daughter's over the years and they have made it very clear through words and action that they hate me. For the first "several years" I understood where there anger came from...their Mother who is very manipulative to the point where she will do and say anything to make sure that my DBF (her EX) life is miserable. But now it has gotten to the point where it has effected my son who has special needs and they treat him with so little respect I will not "allow anyone" to treat him badly just because they can. They are both old enough to know that what they are doing is "wrong"! They are now 16 and almost 19yrs old. They are cruel with how they have treated us. We are not the ones who have "ignored them or dissed them". My son and I have treated them with kindness over the years and we have had enough of their manipulitive mean ways. Our counselor backs me on this decision due to that it has gotten worse and not better. The counselor thinks that the only way these two will ever understand or acknowledge or change there behavior is if when they become adults they may find themselves in a similar situation and be treated the same way but on the other end of the abuse. It is a very sad situation but no amount of taking them shopping (if they would go) or trying to have fun with them is going to change our situation. I have to protect my sanity as well as my son's well-being. We have tried everything...thanks for trying to give me advice...take care and good luck with your SD's!
DA
Have you tried...
...just telling them off? The Scorpio is coming out in me but would it hurt to sit them down and just tell them?
Of course tell your man first but put it all out there on the line. Honesty is the best policy (thanks mom) and they might respect you more??
You could start with, "Look, this isn't the 'Parent Trap', I'm not going away. Here are the ground rules, One, no kaing fun of my child with special needs because heaven forbid you have a child with needs or even worse..." etc. Something like that?
Then break into things that hurt you and your man's relationship and the changes that have taken place since. Tell them how happy you are without them in your life. See what their reaction is. No one likes to be alone when someone else is having fun. Misery loves company and right now that's their mom. She's eating it up. So eat up the happy times you're having with your man. Then if it's going well, breech the subjec tof repairing the relationship with the girls. Little by little. Play a game. Do a craft project that's a group activity. I WISh you could have fun with them!
I DO agree that they will grow up one day...atleast I pray with you that they will. I pray MINE will.
No one
believes me when I tell them that standing back & not trying to "blend" is really a very "sane" approach to this whole step thing. Keeping things separate has worked well for us too. We've been married almost four years and I don't think my kids even know his kids names.
I am glad you figured it out because some people never do and drive themselves nuts in the process.