NEED A REALITY CHECK!
Hey Everyone!
I need a reality check on my perceptions! As you may have read in my latest blog everything has been going well here on the home front regarding my DBF's family and my boundaries...not having an issue regarding this but something has come up and I need to know am I over-reacting. My situation is I think unique in the sense that DBF is still half owner of his former home. He decided when he divorced his Ex-Wife that he didn't want his children to have to move out of the home because his EX couldn't afford it alone. They agreed that when the youngest graduates high school the home would then be sold and proceeds split. At this point they pay 50/50 for mortage. Now with that info out there...he goes over to the house when repairs (over $200) are needed since the Ex is responsible up to that amount. After that they split costs...just this past Sunday, my DBF goes over there to the Ex's home for just repairs. Later that evening he calls and tells me on the phone that his daughter who is almost 16 needs to go grocery shopping since their BM is sick with flu. He tells me they are picking up food and med's. I'm ok with that...believe it or not. Here's where I question my judgement. I've been home sick since Sunday morning...and today he goes out to shop for us and ask if I need any med's...mentioning the same over-the-counter med's he and his daughter just bought for the BM. After my DBF comes back from grocery shopping for us we are sitting on the couch and he starts telling me how everyone is sick at his workplace and even mentions the EX-wife by name...which I thought was weird that he would mention her in the conversation since he "never" brings her name up to me. He goes to get in the shower before work and I'm sitting here thinking...WOW...did he get me med's because he just got his Ex...med's and feels obligated or some strange guilt for looking after her? After his shower, I mention that I would prefer, he not bring his Ex's name up in conversation's unless neccessary..he says "ok". Then I ask why it took him a couple of days to ask if I needed more medicine after he just bought med's for EX on Sunday. He got extremely upset and mad at my questioning. He said I should know by now how he feels about me and was insulted that I'd question his motives. Was I out of line here???...my first thought was "why is he soooo defensive" and getting angry. Please tell me your thoughts...and if there are any GUYS out there that can give me some insight it would be appreciated.
DA
Comments
Are U Serious
Not trying to offend, I would have not allowed it to go that far. She is the one that lives in the house, she needs to get a repairman and you need to set up boundaries and imo make it clear you will not put up with this. I don't care what their agreement WAS, you are now in the picture...it needs to be changed at all costs. AND Of course he got mad, thats his way of shutting you up and putting his bad behavior on you. That way he can do what he wants, whether you like it or not. JMO
Hmmm. Is your husband a deadass like mine?!
I'm sorry for chuckling a little at your expense, but my first thought was whether or not you asked him to get you meds. If you didn't specifically ask him to do it and if he's like 99.9% of all other husbands in the world, then what are the chances that he'd get inspired to pick you up some meds all on his own?! Probably zilch. They figure if we don't ask for help, then we've got it covered. If getting them for BM triggered his memory or whatever and prompted him to offer to get some for you, well, at least she (BM) is good for something.
I'd bet my bottom dollar that he WAS asked to get them for BM, since he was going out anyway with SD for groceries. Maybe being asked to get them for her reminded him that he ought to be offering to get them for YOU. Don't feel slighted. No offense to all the men out there, but they don't always do what they are supposed to do even when told point blank what exactly what it is they are supposed to do!
I'm guessing he got defensive because any references we, the new and improved wives, make regarding our husbands and their former wives reminds them of all the mistakes they made in the previous relationship. They don't like to be reminded of how much they screwed up, how misplaced was their trust, how big a fool they were made of, etc. I think that's all it is.
Don't worry. FEEL BETTER!
AHhhhhhh...Thanks for making me feel Better!
Georgia,
Thank you for setting me straight! Yes, he was asked by by the SD to pick BM meds up. It just made me feel like he was doing it out of guilt or something not because he wanted to. He is a great guy and does take good care of me. It is close to valentines day and I think that triggered my feelings...many many years ago at the beginning of our relationship, he told me he was going to get his two daughters something for V day. For some reason, I ask him if he was thinking of getting something for the EX as well...he said no but then a couple of weeks later one of his daughters let it slip that HE DID give her the same as his two daughters. I was FURIOUS to say the least that 1 he had lied to me and then 2 I had to question why he did it! Was he over her? Was he still in love with her? You name it and I thought it! I told him I wasn't going to stay in the relationship if he couldn't be truthful to me or if he was still hung up on the EX. He told me he felt bad giving "Just" his daughters something and not their Mom too. Like they would think bad of him. I told him it was inappropate regardless of his thinking and reasoning since we were seeing each other. He told me he was sorry and could understand how I felt betrayed. It took alot to get through that and move on and I mean alot. He has had soooo much guilt baggage since their break-up and divorce...his family have added to his guilt since they "all proclaim to be christian" and don't believe in divorce no matter what the circumstances. Anyway, I've been cautious ever since that happened...Thank you for taking the time and effort to write me. I really appreciate it.
DA
I wouldn't
worry about the meds--he was just being a good person. BUT the Valentine's lie & gift would really hurt me. I am sorry he hurt you.
He apologized & probably won't do it again. Let this one go sweetie.
I'm trying to let it go.
I'm trying to let it go. I'm working on it...just will take time. He hasn't called me since leaving for work this afternoon and I'm not about to call him. Guess I'll just have to wait and see. I did write him an email to his work email and haven't gotten a reply back. Basically I expressed to him how hurt I am that he acted the way that he did and how he left angry. I told him I'm dealing the best that I can and that he should appreciate that I don't throw a fit everytime he has to go running over to the EX's house to fix things.
DA
I am so not okay with this....
Maybe it is me and my raging hormones(I am 8 months pregnant so forgive me) I totally see something wrong with this. But you know him better than me anyways. I could understand the whole part of the ex's co parenting and working together with the house situtaion and all that jazz. But when it comes to taking care of her "personal" needs, that sounds to me that, that was suppose to be left at the divorce door. I understand that just because you divorce someone doesnt mean that you dont care about them anymore, some people can live a very good life being civil with the ex's. I just find that part of it a little too far. I think the personal needs should be left out of what he see's as helping her out. It sounds like he does so much for her already. Almost like he feels guilty about the break up. Like I said you know him better than me and maybe i just see one side to this whole divorce thing because my ex left me and my 4 kids and destroyed my house with a baseball bat so we had no home to live in. So maybe it is hard for me to comprehend there is no other motive behind his actions. I also think that is great that he is there for her, but if you are okay with that then it doesnt really matter what i think. Some people can just do that. Me, I just can't. The whole valenitines thing throws me off, valentines is suppose to be for the ones you love, so does that mean he still loves her? And for the fact of him showing is affection through a gift seems quite disturbing to me. His daughters I could totally understand but not the ex wife. Does this mean he gives her birthday gifts too? Please forgive me if i seem to forward. I have a real difficult personality and i am very straight forward to what i think. So don't take this personal. I just say it how i see it.
"Still waiting to get my life back"
I wanted feedback...so thank
I wanted feedback...so thank you for taking time and writing regarding my situation. I didn't take anything you said personally. I know you are giving me your insight or flipside to this situation. I'm was trying to figure out if "I was totally over-reacting" or was right on target. As far as I know, he hasn't given his EX any other gifts since that happened years ago. I mentioned it because I wanted those reading my post to understand why I was feeling the way that I was. Also, gotta be totally honest...you know what really sucks?? His EX and I share the SAME Birthday! How's that for making things more screwed up???!!! That one has really done a number on him...Talk about Guilt!! That took alot to work through for him. Also, I CAN'T WAIT till they sell the house!!!! So he can cut as much ties with her as possible. I understand they will always be parents together of their daughters. I also wanted to mention, I'm soooo sorry to hear about what happened to you and your kids. That must have been horrific...to go through. Take care and thanks for your insight.
DA