GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
I am soooo upset right now, I can't see straight!! Everything has been pretty much calm regarding how my DBF has been spending Sundays with his BD's and spending Saturday's with me and my son. Well, last night one his Daughter's calls and tells him that she wants him to take her to a book fair today. I don't have a problem with switching days as long as I have notice. I've already made plans for us to go bowling and then go out to eat today. DBF tells me we can go earlier so he can still take daughter out. I told him, I wasn't going to rush around and get ready just so he can allow her to change our plans without even a thought to how we would feel about it. I expressed to him, without any notice I'm not going to change our plans and that it would be completely thoughtless for him to think that it would be ok to do so. Well, you know what??? He just left to take his daughter and completely blew off our plans...I'm sooo pissed right now! I know what he is going to do. After taking her he will call me up and say well I'm finished now, where are you so I can catch up with you! BULLSHIT! This is the first time that he has done this since I set my boundaries with his daughter's a couple of months ago. Right now the way that I feel is if he calls...I'm not going to answer. I really don't know what to do with how I feel right now....I'm getting ready to leave to still take my son bowling. Any thoughts of how to handle this??? I really want and feel like telling him since he completely blew me off he can MOVE OUT!!!
DA
Comments
What is the visitation schedule SUPPOSED to be?
What is laid out in the actual paperwork regarding visitation?
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Visitation??? Let me tell
Visitation??? Let me tell you this...my DBF "was" suppose to have his daughter's every other weekend..."HE" decided that he would "ALLOW" his girls to decide when to visit! WRONG thing to do from the start....so they never visited...he just made sure to see them when "they" had events or called. Anytime they would come to our home or visit etc...they were cold...rude...and disrespectful to me and my son. they are both now 17 and 19yrs old. This went on for 7 years. Just recently I'd had enough after one of his daughter's was once again rude to me my son and one of his friends. I told my DBF I'd had enought and that since he condoned their behavior and acted like they were not doing anything to us that I would no longer allow them to visit or do any activities together with them due to their behavior. I told him if he didn't like how I felt we could break-up and he could leave. That is when he said he would spend Sat's. with us and Sunday's with them. It has been working until today. I even told him that if there was a special event on a saturday that he wanted to spend with them, I would have no problem switching as long as he would give me several days notice so I would not make plans for us.
Okay, I remember now.
Yeah, he screwed up. (But you already knew that, huh?!)
You know, when they get to be that age, it's not "visitation" anymore. I kind of see where he's going with letting them decide, because my SD's are close to the same ages and they have so much other crap going on that they really don't want to spend their weekends with us. And really, I don't want to spend MY weekends with a couple of sullen teenagers. I mean, the weekends are prime time to teenagers. If they have something better to do, I'm okay with that.
Your skids are both practially adults, so it's more like making plans to spend time with a relative, rather than visitation. If you two had made plans, then he should have abided by them. She could have given him more notice and then maybe he could have accommodated you both. I don't think he handled it very well at all. Don't blame you for being mad. I'd be spitting nails.
How to handle it. Hmmm. All things considered, is this still the guy you want to be with? If he admits he screwed up and apologizes, promises not to do it again, can you let it go? Or do you think this is going to become a pattern? I think if you can answer those questions, then you'll have a pretty good idea of how to handle it.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Georgia, Thanks for
Georgia,
Thanks for corresponding with me on this...I really need someone to talk to right now...
No, I don't think he will apologize at all...or will admit he screwed up! I called him a few mins ago...seething and told him I hoped that he REALLY enjoys that book fair because it just cost him our relationship! I told him it was again sooo inconsiderate to do what he did! I'm just furious right now!! He told me would talk about it later...since his daughter was there. I ask "what is there to talk about"??? You did what you wanted to do and made it clear that you don't respect me by your decision! Georgia, What do I do???
Ultimatums
That's the thing about ultimatums. They don't work if you back down. I think you guys had reached a pretty fair compromise and the boundaries you set were reasonable. If he can't/won't/doesn't make good on his commitment to stick to the program, then what choice do you have? You can forgive and forget, but then you set a precedent. He'll know he can walk all over your boundaries and you won't do anything to stop him. You can end the relationship, which would show him you mean business, but what difference does it make if he finally gets it after the relationship has ended?
I don't know. I wish I had some magic answer that would make it all better. If this is how it's going to be, then maybe you have to decide if you can live with it or not. If/when you talk to him about this calmly and rationally, maybe leave SD out of it and talk to him about how it makes you feel when he stands you up or doesn't stick to the boundaries the two of you agreed upon. I'd avoid any mention of SD and concentrate on the angle of his treatment of you. He may be less defensive and more willing to negotiate if he doesn't feel like he has to defend his relationship with his daughter.
If all else fails, my husband is in the doghouse, too, right now. Maybe we should just line them up against a brick wall and take a fire hose to them. It probably would solve any of our problems, but it might be fun.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Your right about the
Your right about the boundaries. At this point I can't move forward without him acknowleding what he did upset me and that it was completely wrong no matter that he was upset by an earlier disagreement. That is like a "free pass" to pull that crap! He is now out with his daughter since it is Sunday doing whatever she wants to do. I feel like he is dating another woman! Is that crazy??!! He takes her every Sunday to eat, movies, walking around the mall etc...If we work this out I CAN"T WAIT for her to find a boyfriend and for my DBF to come to the realization that the world "DOESN'T REVOLVE" around his daughter getting everything and anything from him whenever she wants it. She will have a REAL boyfriend and stop using my DBF instead. She hasn't even started dating...why??? because she spends her time with him! It used to be us all going on vacations and my DBF was not spending anytime with me...he would just spend time with his daughter right in front of me...you name it..when we went to the beach together he would literally go away from me and the two of them would just stand in the water looking at each other playing around. At that time I told him, it was if I wasn't even there and that the two of them were having a very inappropiate realionship. It was brought up in counseling and he of course made up every excuse...like she couldn't entertain herself without him and she was around 13 yrs old at that time. So there is allllot of bad history regarding how he treats me with regards to spending time together. Finally our counselor set him straight but I haven't seen them together for vacations...anyway venting here...ironic how all the old bad ugly past stuff comes up when things like this happen again, just in a different manner. Sooo I don't know if we can work things out...he crossed a boundary.
Before, I forget...thanks for making me laugh a little regarding the water hose!
DA
solution?
give him a taste of his own medicine. cut him out of your 'loop'. take your son somewhere without consulting him. do it on a weekend that he's home. if he has disregard to your feelings than you should demonstrate to him how it feels. although i agree that with almost adult children, visitation is not really realistic, he should still respect the plans that HE made with you. the message he is sending to his daughter is: you are more important than the other people in my life and here is how i will prove it. bullshit.
You know, I thought about
You know, I thought about doing that...just today...find out where they are at and just go and CRASH in on them!!! Have a big old smile on my face and say..I was in the area..etc.. But I won't do that But it was fun thinking about it! Does that make me bad? I don't know...still upset here without resolution in sight at this point...
DA
.
LoL even though that sounds fun, but don't crash in on them like that. He might think you're spying on him and will just make matters worse. Like moody blue mentioned, take your son somewhere without consulting your BF and I am sure next Saturday when he expects to spend time with you and your son and he asks whats going on for the evening just give him a simple reply and say "I think I am going to take my son to the movies, because I kind of owe it to him since we didn't do anything last Saturday due to plans falling through." Only if he asks, if he doesn't ask then do it anyway and don't mention anything to him. Sooner or later he will learn how it feels.
"For the love of herself, she acknowledged her worth."
Um ...
My opinion? (Whatever it counts for as an 'Anon' poster). I think it's okay to be angry and upset, and yeah we all say things in the heat of the moment that we genuinely mean at the time, but maybe sometimes regret, but I think that in this case you are overreacting.
Sure, the kid is rude and disrespectful and a pain in the butt, but to make a parent choose between you and their child is a recipe for disaster. As bio-parents, our love for our children is unconditional, even when they are the spawn of Satan and seem to have arrived at your house straight from the bowels of hell. We may not LIKE them, but we cannot, NO MATTER WHAT, not love them and want to spend time with them.
Have you considered that maybe your DH was secretly delighted that his daughter asked him to go somewhere with her? Sure, he should have told her that he had already made plans and that he couldn't go with her at the time she wanted him to, so yes beat him with a big stick until he begs for mercy, but he could also have said, 'I have plans but I would love to go with you, let me see if I can rearrange something. If not, I'd be happy to take you another time, but let me get back to you and see what I can organise'.
Instead he behaved like a man (sorry guys!). You know, I get all that. I get why that upsets you and why you are so angry. Sure, she doesn't have to spend her time with YOU and you can say that she is not allowed to visit your home (ouch!) but HE IS STILL HER CHILD! Even when she is rocking her own babies on her lap, she will still be his baby. So to put him in this most incredibly hard and hurtful position of having the woman he loves telling him that because he is spending time with his daughter (regardless of the circumstances and issues around it) that his relationship is over ... wow. What a lot to put on the guy.
I'm a biomom and a FT stepmom. We have six children between us. We love all the kids, and my husband adores me. And everyone in our house knows that we put each other first. But if I EVER tried to make him choose between me and his kids, my ass would see the door so fast that my head would spin. And vice versa.
Try imagine your DH telling you that your son can't visit 'his home' or telling you that if you went out with your son instead of him that your relationship was over ... girl, don't go there. Seriously. Just don't.
i concur
mustang said it best, he is already MARRIED to his kids!!
I am also NOT married b/c of some very same issues.
the relationship has to come first (barring any extreme cases) these "men" will be alone with nothing when they put the kids above everything.
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
You don't understand
It is obvious that you've never been in my shoes to understand!
DA
DA
you deserved to be loved as well as your son, nobody on here would say stay in that kind of mental abuse relationship.
dont doubt yourself you are a survivor.
we are here for you!
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
TO Anonymouse, ARE YOU FOR REAL???!
It is obvious that you don't understand my situation or what I've been going through for the past 9 YEARS! Do you think that it is OK for him to ALLOW his two daughters to completely disrepect me and my son??? WE went to COUNSELING together for over two years and I finally came to the conclusion the HE WAS NOT GOING TO PROTECT ME OR MY SON FROM HIS TWO DAUGHTERS AND THEIR CONTINUED BEHAVIOR. Are you suggesting that I continue to allow them to ABUSE us??? Your husband puts YOU FIRST and treats everyone equally, that is not my reality! How can you think that I over-reacted when he did the OPPOSITE TO what was agreed upon??? I DIDN'T MAKE HIM CHOOSE BETWEEN HIS DAUGHTERS AND ME! HIS two daughers CHOSE TO TREAT US WITH DISREPECT AND HATE AND WE STOOD UP AND SAID ENOUGH! How can we spend time together when they "consistantly" treat us like dirt???
MY EX DBF has a very inappropriate disfunctional relationship with his daughters by never being able to say NO!!! By ALLOWING THEM to walk all over us just so they can get their way! It is also a complete double standard due to the FACT that he would never change plans to accomadate me and my son on a day he has plans with his daughters. It is not a two way street! I'm very disturbed that you think we should continue to allow them to treat us badly and put it back on me stating the "unconditional love" theory. You obviously haven't EVER been treated this way and DON'T know what it feels like to be in my position. Last but not least...I'M NOT THE ONE CHOOSING ONE OVER ANOTHER...HE IS AND HAS BEEN FOR YEARS!
DA
not a choice so much
as respect,
I understand how DA feels and I would be OH SO ANGRY too, is the anger because once again your needs have been put on hold, is it anger cuz SD got her way- is it anger cuz you are just tired of it all? Does the good out way the bad?
there are no easy solutions, you did give an ulitmatium but if he wants to work it out then I dont think that is such a terrible thing.
you Bskids are older and they should know better, but so should your S/O-
if a good old pow wow is out of the question then he needs to pack his bags and go live with SD!
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
reply to anonymous
As Anonymous says, (and by the way at my church if we get anything from Anonymous we throw it away) I do love my children and do unconditionally BUT I teach them respect by treating them with it and only alowing them to treat me with it so, as much as I adore every minute with them , I am not at their beckon call and as they get older expect more communication as to what their plans are and teach them how that affects other people, not bad, it just does.
So if DA wants some notice DUE to problems in the past, where she is obviously trying to come to compromise for problem than I would say the least DBF could do is communicate with her and respect that and not act like a baby putting all the blame on her.
this is so obvious to me. anyone else?
put your wife(partner) second and you'll end up single and then WHO will raise your kids for you? sorry, but i don't think asking for a little R E S P E C T from DH is asking him to 'choose' between you and his kid. this suggestion is absolutely ridiculous. be a stepmom but don't get 'stepped on.'
this is so obvious to me. anyone else?
put your wife(partner) second and you'll end up single and then WHO will raise your kids for you? sorry, but i don't think asking for a little R E S P E C T from DH is asking him to 'choose' between you and his kid. this suggestion is absolutely ridiculous. be a stepmom but don't get 'stepped on.'
Sounds like
this guy needs to be single if he doesn't put the wife in the priority position. His actions are saying that you're not as important as his daughters. Then why in the f did he get married???
I'd be righteously pissed off. Ask him if he is going to do this type of thing again, and outline the consequences so that he and you both know EXACTLY what will happen.
How are things going today?