I'm just wondering what the situation was with SD before you entered her life? This story reminds me a lot of my BS15 when I got married. He was 7 at the time and I had raised him on my own. Neither one of us were at all use to the additional input in how we handled our relationship.

"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it." Dorothy Parker US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)

SD was 8 when we married and she was 2 when husband and BM divorced. They had equal custody, which meant husband could do what he needed to do when SD was with BM then focus 100 percent of his time and attention on SD when she was with him. This didn't make for a smooth transition when we got married because she still thought it should be all about her. He let her pick what activities we did and went out of his way to spend money and give her time and attention. To an extreme.

With regard to how your SD talks to your wife, I think that's not going to change. SD used to (and still does) talk very badly/inappropriately to husband. Because she was 8 he thought it was cute. I tried to change it and everyone resented me. So I gave up. Now SD is 15 and her bad attitude has multiplied. BUT, she rarely talks to me with the same disdain as she speaks to her father. Because she knows I will call her out on it. If she can't speak to me respectfully, she should just not speak to me at all. So she doesn't. I know this isn't the ideal situation, but it was really the only one for us. I still ball up my fist and bite my tongue when she's haranguing husband or ordering him around. But, you know what, he must want it that way or he would change it. His child, his choice.

I think you will simply have to establish YOUR boundaries. If that makes your wife and SD uncomfortable, so be it. And your wife already has established her own boundaries. You don't agree with them, but you need to find a way to make peace with it. The fact that your wife listens to your suggestions but does not implement them tells me she's happy the way things are and just can't communicate that to you.

the SM...... I DO NOT tolerate any child in my home to speak to any adult in my home w/any disrespect, period. My kid or not. Maybe you should punish SD for the way she behaves toward your wife as well as the way she treats you. Counseling may be an option. I never allowed SD to speak to DH w/disrespect, I always called her on it. DH grew frustrated with her, and would also give in to her, but not me. I am a pretty tough disciplinarian and I think it made an impression on our BS's, who knows for sure. I do know that if your wife won't back you up, you will lose any and all credibility with SD.
Oh, by the way, WELCOME to the site, always good to have a male perspective.

It's sometimes hard for people to change their routine, even when it's clearly not working for anyone. Guilty. I understand BM saying "she knows how she should handle SD". As mothers, we rarely want to admit we don't know. It's great that she acknowledges that maybe there's a little room for improvement. It sounds like you've been living together, as a family, now for a year. This is a huge "getting to know what I can get away with" period in an 8 year olds mind. I say give it some more time. You clearly know how you expect her to behave and maybe with your influence things will turn around. Hang in there.

"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it." Dorothy Parker US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)

teeboo welcome it is nice to have a male prospective on here we have a couple of guys here STEVE KEVIN, and they are a terrific source for us women.
next, I have a FSS that is 18 and treated his father my FH the same way it sounds like your SD is treating her mom, and I would bring it up to my FH about respect and not putting up with that from his son, but utimately it was up to FH to react the way he son was treating him and if he didnt care why should I? I was wasting needless energy on people who did not want to change or be changed so when they are at it I walk away.
I like to think that me not constantly nagging my FH about it(and feeling like he had to protect himself and his son) and seeing how respectful my sons talked to me that FH realized what was happening and wanted it to change 0because he wanted it and not because I wanted it, I am happy to say that they do not scream and yell and curse at each other very much anymore. detaching is hard but it can save a relationship trust me I speak from experience.

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

Elizabeth gave you some good advice. If your wife is not willing to change, then you will have two options:
1)set the limits in your home for what YOU are willing to accept
with regard for SDs behavior and follow through, or;
2)bite your tongue and disengage (her daughter- her problem)
But because she's only 8 and it sounds like you really WANT to try to make this work (kudos to you!) maybe number #2 just won't work for you in the long run.

You said you went to counseling about 6 months ago. Is it time to revisit that, given your changes in feelings toward SD and your DW?

I know exactly how you feel here. DH and I went to therapy (and a Parenting Coach) to help us with our parenting issues. I'm the strict disciplinarian and the one with the follow-through and he's the leniant, wishy-washy one who always gives in 1/2 way through the punishment (or entirely forgets)!

Because of this, I'm the 'bad-guy', too. And I always feel like I'm nagging him or putting him down when he "falls off the wagon' with what we agreed to on our parenting plan. And I don't like having to be placed in those roles as 'nag' and 'bad-guy'. It's an uncomfortable place to be.

But luckily, there is hope. My DH is finally starting to see that by following the advice from the professionals, though difficult for him, IS working to correct some very ugly behaviors in his daughters. And he's liking the results so now he's following through more often. But it has been a LONG road to get to this point (5 years and a LOT of tears on my part).

It's going to be a long road for you. My kids/skids are in their teens, so I can sometimes see a light at the end of the tunnel, in terms of them not being a DAILY issue, but if you don't get a handle on this soon, believe me, I can definitely see how your resentment toward beoth of them will grow.

Hang in there. We're here for you.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

Hi TEEBOO, and welcome to our world!
I know this sounds strange but have you and your wife had time together lately without SD or others around?
I have found that usually when DH and I are not seeing eye to eye, or getting on each others nerves when we don't usually its cause we got out of sync- and I do try now to be more observative when it comes to this.
It's so easy to feel like you are being criticized in this situation especially in the first few years as you get into your own programs as parents and newlyweds, maybe try to reconnect with SD then she may respond better to you, and try to get your wife to refer SD to you for questions reassuring to SD that BM has trust in your decisions- its awesome that she does back you in front of the SD cause thats a headache when BP don't.
My SD too wanted her parents back together for years but (been here since she was 4 also- now 15-lord I am old) but at about 10 or so she did confide to me she knew her mom and dad made each other unhappy, and that atleast her dad was happy now, so it does go away as much as it makes us feel so unappreciated.

Best Wishes.
There is no reason where logic does not exist

To our world...although it's crazy. My SD was the same way and I tried to be super-involved, with boundaries, for 10 years. She hates me now, BUT not because of the boundaries. I believe it was her father's LACK OF boundaries that has caused her to be an selfish adult. Stick to your guns. Maybe if you told your wife, "I want what's best for her -- I see this spiraling downward". Tell her you found this sight and that our stories (those of us with year of experience) and advice say, "BOUNDARIES!" Good Luck!

You and your wife sit down SEPARATELY and each of you write down ten "house rules" that you expect to be followed by SD. Then you get together and compare your lists. Any rule that made it on BOTH lists gets automatically included in your "House Rules." Then you each pick your top five rules of the remaining rules on your respective lists and you add those. If you have any rules left, that's okay. You can discard them FOR NOW. They are not the most significant of the things you both want addressed and it's okay to not include them at first. At first, your goal is to just come up with a list of rules you both agree with. Ten to fifteen written rules is a good number to start with. Any more than that gets harder to manage.

Second thing you do is you write down these rules in a format you can post on your fridge for easy reference. This is important, because this list becomes "the bad guy." It takes takes the heat off of you.

After you've made your list of rules, you then make your list of punishments and those, too, you must agree on beforehand. Pick more than one. Make them progressive. No TV for the rest of the day for the first infraction. Extra chores for the second infraction. Etc., etc. Punishment... find out what she values the most and then withhold it for a period of time. That works best for kids this age. (I have BD5, BS10, SS13, SD15 and SD16 and, trust me, this is a tried and proven method in my home.) If you want to ensure SD is less resistant to it, include her in the rule-making and let her have a say in the punishments. If she's part of the process, she'll feel like she has choices and having choices makes the child feel like they are more in control of their own destiny. I always, always remind my kids that by choosing the behavior, they are also choosing the consequences. It's really important that SD sees the resulting punishments as something SHE chose by misbehaving.

After your rules and consequences, you write a little blurb that says something like this:

"We, insert your names here, agree that the above list represents our House Rules. We agree that these rules will be enforced by us both. We agree that we will support one another in the enforcement of these rules. We agree that any changes to this list or any disagreements about enforcing these rules will be addressed by the two of us in private. We agree that we each have equal authority and the right and responsibility to enforce these rules in our home."

Then you both sign your names. You put your commitment on paper for all to see and as a reminder to all of you.

Under that, you put something like:

I, insert child's/children's name here, have read and understand the House Rules. I agree that I will do my best to follow these rules. I understand the consequences that will result from my failure to follow these rules. I understand that the adults in my home have equal authority over me to enforce these rules and assign consequences if I fail to follow these rules. I understand that these rules and consequences exist because my parent(s) and stepparent(s) love me and want me to grow up to be a happy, successful person.

Then have SD sign it. Next, post it in a prominent place in your home that you call all easily refer back to. Now you have a contract for your family that spells out all the various rights and responsibilities for each member when it comes to discipline. YOU don't have to be the enforcer, anymore. You don't have to hold anyone accountable, anymore. The contract becomes the enforcer.

It's not going to work the first day. It might take some time for everyone to develop a comfort level with it. The main point of this is to take the heat off of you, to force BM to be accountable, to give SD the security of knowing what to expect from you both and to show SD and BM that your discipline of SD is fair. Over time, trust will grow and it'll become second nature. We don't have to keep our list posted, anymore. It's been seven years and they all know the drill. But this helped us A LOT when DH and I first got married.

♥ ANNE 8102 ♥

Teeboo,
I feel for you, really I do! My DH was the SAME way. We'd come up with all these great ideas, time and time again. Oh yeah, they'd sound terrific in theory. We'd have family meetings with the kids to explain the 'new plans' to them, and post them all on the refrigerator. And each plan, just as with you, would meet the same untimely demise. After about the first two weeks, DH would start 'slipping' and 'overlooking' the chores that weren't done or the rules that were broken.

Then I'd start to be the 'nag' and the 'bad guy' for reminding him that he wasn't holding up to his end of the contract. I'd enforce a consequence for a broken "House Rule" which EVERYONE agreed to, and then he'd go ahead and let them off the hook, making me look like an idiot in the process.

Action plans and House Rules are great tools and do work....but ONLY if BOTH ADULTS in the house agree to follow through with them!

Even now, with my DHs 'epiphany' on the error of his ways in the past and his new focus on doing things the way our Parenting Coach has directed us to do them (this ensuring positive results), I'm still anxious but trying not to get too overly-excited, because I just don't want to be disappointed (once again) when he 'falls off the wagon' and goes soft on the girls and gives in.

Good parenting is difficult stuff. It takes a lot of consistency, a lot of follow-up, and a TON of stamina. Some parents are just too tired these days to keep it up- giving in to their kids is a lot easier.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis