holiday fun--disrespectful skids & in-laws
so the holidays have come and gone. all i can say is i am so very thankful that we are leaving late tonite to drive to PA to see MY family and be around normal people!
the most upsetting thing about the holidays was that the boys didnt get DH anything for xmas, not even a card. they are 15 and 20, so they are well beyond the age of having to have someone buy a gift for them. last year, i did buy a gift from ss then 14 to DH but i didnt this year bc i figured hes old enough. if he wouldve asked, i wouldve done it but since he never said anything i assumed that he had it taken care of. WRONG!!!!
he had been w SS20 since last fri nite. BM picked him up, had a family thing on sat, then he stayed w SS20. they were supposed to come to BIL's on sun for the family celebration but never made it bc "the car broke down and had to be towed." which was funny bc u would THINK that had the car really broken down on their way they wouldve called to let us know??? but no, instead, we couldnt get ahold of them for 2 hours until finally ss15 texted me w the story. but i digress...
monday ss15 had a dentist appt and then stayed w ss20 again. on xmas eve, they went to their moms and then aunts and then came to our family celebration over DHs aunt's. SS15 came home w us then. do u think at ANY point in time during those 5 days they couldve gone to, oh, i dont know, WALGREENS maybe and bought a flippin CARD for their dad??? their dad who stayed w them and raised them after their MOTHER LEFT and didnt talk to them for 2 months and decided she didnt want them anymore???? yeah, THAT dad. the dad who told BM she had 2 choices: stay and make it work or leave and give them up bc HE couldnt stand to be away from them. THAT dad. and whats his thank u??? no xmas presents. i am so sad for DH. he said he didnt care and he was so happy to see SS15 so excited over his new amp that we bought him, but deep down inside, i know this hurt. how could it not? do u think i should say something to SS? i wanted to all day yesterday but didnt want to ruin xmas. i will see him today when i get home from work and DH wont be home yet, so i have the opportunity. should i, or should i let it go?
now, on to the in-laws. we are all over DH's aunts house and just played rob your neighbor w gifts that all the aunts and uncles bought for all of us. so much fun! afterwards, a couple of the older cousins presented everyone w a family tree and calendar. inside the cover was a beautiful saying and then it went on to list every individual family's tree. i cant tell u how much it hurt me to see DH and my names w HIS kids underneath, knowing that when we have kids, they wont make it on bc they decided to do this this year, but thats something that cant be helped. anyway, then it further went onto the calendar part and for each month, they listed everyones bdays on the day of and the top part was pics of everyone who had a bday that month. super cool! well, as everyone is flipping thru, my SIL, who has been very passive aggressive lately toward us in regards to SD and her rather absent role in our family, which is due ONLY to circumstance w BM and celebrations happening when THEY have their kids which is on opposite wkend of SD's visitation, says, "oh look bella...even YOURE in here!" IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE FAMILY. now some can brush it off and say well she meant bc we just got married...uh, EXACTLY. I AM HIS WIFE, SO WHY WOULDNT I HAVE BEEN INCLUDED??? furthermore, ive been around the family for 2 years now...and everyone has known since we met that we were getting married. everyone has always treated me as DHs wife and not just another girlfriend bc they know from DH that im here to stay. so yes, i was very happy to have been included and felt like part of the family, even w the glaring reminder of his past written beneath me, BUT she didnt need to point that out. there was another wedding this year and no one said, oh look michael...even YOURE in here. lets just remind everyone im not really part of the family...:(
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I am starting to realize
I am starting to realize that because we didn't come first we will never really count.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
really i dont care
what that white trash hoosier thinks of me...she has questionable character to begin w, but to say stuff like that to me in front of the whole family??? i just dont knwo what her issue is w me but i told DH today that if it continues, i will no longer be attending family functions at her home.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
She sounds like a beyotch you don't need
I would say to SS that your DH was hurt that SS did not get him anything for Christmas and let him sit with that. He needs to know that it will be noticed and commented on, because it is disrespectful! but what do I know
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
i think i will
maybe just be passive aggressive myself and send him a text
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Sounds like "the others"
Sounds like my "classy" in laws..Had "the others" made a "family calendar" it would have excluded my two biological children from my first marriage and probably mine and Dh's son too!! All they care about is my step brat (aka The Golden Child). Yes, I have in laws who are passive/aggressive, tacky, and social retarded like that also. Some of it I think they do just to be ass holes and other times I think they were just not raised with any cuth or social skills. That's one of the main reasons that we have only seen them one xmas in 9 years and havn't spoken to them at all for the past five years.
In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities. ~ disgusted
its a bit of both w SIL too...
ass hole who's lacking in social skills apparently. i dont get these people.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
wanna meet up in Youngstown on your way back????
Hey!
When you coming back through???? DH and I could come meet you guys out for dinner!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
id love to zen!!
but we are driving home early NY day...so not sure that would work
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Bummer
We are having SD's and BD's birthday party early New Years' Day so I couldn't meet ya. But you are more than welcome to stop by here if it's anywhere near your way back. We will have pork and sour kraut, along with kielbasa, Swedish meatballs, shrimp cocktail, and of course CAKE! And we will only have BD 2 over night, so you could stay in our rec room if you need to crash before the rest of your journey home!
Come on...you can sweet talk DH into it, can't ya????
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
aw u are just the sweetest zen...
maybe i will take u up on the pit stop offer!! DH has to work on jan 2nd, which is why we are headed home NY day or else we might crash w ya too!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I'll email you my address and you can see if it's on your way!
You can stop in anytime all day, meet some family, eat some grub, use the facilities and be on your way!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Bella, I am so sorry to hear about
that! I would be super pissed too. I don't blame you in the least for being upset. My inlaws used to make jabs at me like that too, but they didn't like the BM anyway....they were just being mean.
About SS, I WOULD ask him if he realizes he hurt DH's feelings? Doesn't sound like he does.
I would also go to your family party and have a FABULOUS time!
thanks sia...it does suck
i dont know what her problem is...i always thought she would be so supportive bc she went thru it. she even threw my a bridal shower. now lately, shes been making little jabs at me and being really ignorant regarding our relationship w SD, that is none of her business. i dont know if she thinks shes better bc shes been doing this for ten years and they FINALLY have a decent relationship w the ex/bm, or if maybe shes jealous bc the extended family likes me alot and never really thought that much of her due to the circumstances surrounding them getting together (she was the other woman). anyway, its hurtful! DH wants to say something but i dont wanna make waves so i just keep trying to blow it up, be the big girl and vent here!! lol!
as for ss, hes so senstive that im surprised he doesnt realize how hurtful it is. maybe he jsut expected me to do it since i did last year...either way, hes old enough to ask and know better.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
"...he said he didnt care
"...he said he didnt care and he was so happy to see SS15 so excited over his new amp that we bought him, but deep down inside, i know this hurt. how could it not? do u think i should say something to SS? i wanted to all day yesterday but didnt want to ruin xmas. i will see him today when i get home from work and DH wont be home yet, so i have the opportunity. should i, or should i let it go?"
I would let it go. I do think sometimes we (me included) overthink/get emotional on our husband's behalf for things that they honestly aren't attached to. I mean to say, I had to tell my DH to take my kids shopping for my birthday and Mother's Day to get me a card. He always gets one from him, but it hadn't occurred to him that they would like to do it as well. BS 11 started MAKING me a card, because he is that thoughtful naturally to know I should get one from him and no one takes him anymore (SM used to which was an extraordinary gesture of goodwill in my opinion.) Men are simple creatures, and he may have been completely honest when he said he was ok with no gift.
You are right. The kids are old enough now to buy or not buy for him. I would just let it go this year and perhaps before DH's birthday or Father's day, make the offer to take SS 15 to get DH a present? Maybe even make a "date" of it, and have lunch with SS on your own. I do that with SD once in a while, and I'm surprised at how well it goes no matter how much I think I don't want to do it. I think it's just perhaps kids being kids in this case, and having no concept that their dad would even appreciate a gift. They are unfortunately caught up in "ME" at this age, and sometimes forget about those who care for them most.
SS 20? Is on his own and a real sh#t in my opinion. He is DEFINITELY old enough. SS 15 is still reachable. But SS 20? I wouldn't bother with that one.
KARMA will catch up with him one day.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I
totally agree. Let it go, they are old enough now to know to ask you for help (money or ideas). They didn t ask and didn t do it becuz they are teen boys that only think about themselves. It is just kid stuff, this is common with parents and kids, divorced or not.
And about your SIL...
Is it possible it wasn't a slight but her (albeit lacking in tact) way of telling you "IT's OFFICIAL! LOOK! You're one of us now!!!!!"?
I know we are a lot alike Bella. I get my feelings hurt because I think someone is trampling on them. Then later I wonder if it was really my insecurities about something that are coloring my reaction. Too damn self aware. I would never let myself go if I felt I hurt someone's feelings, so when someone hurts mine I have a hard time letting them off the hook for opening their mouth large enough for both their feet to fit.
So maybe that was all it was. I don't know what your relationship is with them though. I had a really rough relationship with my exH's family. I was much younger (like you perhaps?) then all of them (ex's older brother turned 40 the year exH and I started living together. I was 20.) So often they stated things in ways that I felt were harsh or callous, and now that I'm 40 I wonder if it had more to do with my being so young and not quite sure of myself or my place (I was his second wife too, but no kids.)
There was a family picture in my 1st MIL's hallway, with my (now ex's) first wife in it, as well as one of them together. I know my 1st MIL (who was the patron saint of kindness and love) wasn't sentimental about the pic of him with his 1st wife, so much as the one with the whole family. That pic stayed there until I went on a family vacation with them all and we took our own huge family pic. Then my first H re-did the frame for MIL, including a pic of us together where the one of him and his 1st wife was. Then I finally felt part of the family.
But all along, my 1st MIL's treatment of me was so kind, I knew it wasn't a slight.
So if your SIL is always like this to you (and believe you me...I had a really grumpy frumpy tactless SIL the first time round, who I worked for FOUR years of that marriage - very DUMB idea don't ever work for FAMILY but especially INLAWS!- and she would purposely say things "sarcastically" rudely in order to get her point across.)
I would just really be glad they did include you in the calendar, and know that in five years, YOU can give everyone a new family tree with all YOUR kids on it! Oh- here's another hysterical family tree story. ExH's uncle on his dad's side made up a family tree, a real historical type one. They were so dedicated to doing it right that they included his FIRST wife on it! Right ABOVE my name. I knew they loved me more so I didn't say a word about it. Plus now I know that I am right above the boys' SM on the list!!!! (ha ha ha...there's that Karma again.) And ALSO, my sons' SM told me last year, that when she first moved into exH's house, he wouldn't take down our family pic and that one of us from MIL's last vacation before passing away. SM insisted even that one come down. I thought that was kinda harsh of her since it was the last family pic with both his parents (now gone) in it.
But it was her house. She told me about it when I talked about the pic that had his first wife in it when we were living together. She just laughed and said, "Wow...you're nicer than me! I made him take that vacation one down!" I said, "Well...it was his MOM's house then, not MINE. I would have taken it down if it were MY house!"
So...hang in there. It's a stressful time when you're wife number two and so young. I can remember it well.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
maybe youre rite sita
i dont know how to read her anymore. she threw me a shower which was lovely. shes always been nice, even though i get the feeling that since im not part of the "moms club" she doesnt hold me in the highest regard. i also think shes been at it so long now that she forgets what its like to be young and new at it. and childless.
the thing is, shes been very passive aggressive lately regarding SD...letting us know in an off handed way that we dont include her enough, which we just cant due to circumstance and nature of BM. like for xmas, she sent a card and addressed the envelope "DH, bella, SS15 and SD3"...who does that??? just her little way of letting us know SD is part of the family. well, duh. and after she asked if they could have SD this wkend in our absence??? they know how BM is...why would she even suggest it? so im wondering if she thinks maybe its MY fault SD isnt around more...but again, regardless, not her business.
DH really wanted to say something but i told him no bc it would be brushed off as she meant well no matter what her real intentions are. truth is, i am very sensitive and very self aware and was raised w class and grace and would NEVER say that or anything that could even REMOTELY be taken the wrong way. as if it wasnt hurtful enough to see our family w DHs kids underneath, none of which are to me. i was very happy to be included and said so to the one cousin who made it and she said, "well of course youre included! youre family!" they really are all so lovely...
maybe i will pass on saying something to ss15. like i said, since i did last year, maybe he just thought i would, although he came home after a wkend w his mom w a bday card for me this year, that he bought and picked out on his own, so i thought he would have done so for DH. ss20 is a whole other story and a whole other blog.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Wow,
sounds like it might be a misunderstanding?
You know, my IL's are no longer in my life or DH's for that matter due to a LARGE misunderstanding that MIL will NOT make right. Nothing I can do about it. I guess if you think she might respond well, why not sit down and have a chat with her about your feelings. Maybe she just doesn't realize she's being hurtful?
I would be cautious about a heart to heart
If she really is sending jabs, then allowing her to know it hurt may put her on the defensive. I went rounds with my exILs over huge slights (like the time when I was married for 6 YEARS to exH, and his sister threw a baby shower for a long time family friend WITH my 1st H's exW, and DIDN'T invite me. So there were my H's whole family, and all their family friends with his EXW and no Sita. That one was the last straw in a string of issues which cost them our presence at further family gatherings til we divorced 4 years later. My exH was the baby of 4, and the only BS of his dad's who raised them all with MIL. LONG story, but lots of issues due to my then FIL's terribly self centered attitude toward his W's first 3 children.)
But I never let my SILs (one married to exH's brother, the other exH's sister) see me sweat over it. I always always allowed them to think they couldn't reach me. And with people like that, I do believe the only way you'll ever have their respect is to not let them know they got to you. Just like the bully in middle school.
BELLA...you MUST rent Family Stone this week. It is a fantastic movie in it's own right, but You will LOVE it after your past weekend! And it will make your DH's family pale in comparison to some really nasty jabs, as well as make you laugh (and cry.)
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
i wont ever say anything
one day im sure it will escalate and she will open mouth and insert foot wide enough for DH to catch it and he will go off. the only thing stopping him from saying something on 3 occassions w her now has been me and my begging him to just let it go. i dont think she said it as u suggested sita, much as id like to believe, bc its a pattern now...shes got some issue...the whole family basically regarded our wedding as a non event since we didnt have guests, even though they knew the circumstances and reasons why...they were all just being selfish and callous. its just that its really hard enough for me, being young, possibly immature and very sensitive...DH's past...well i have issues that i really strive to work on bc i know the truth about the past and reasons why and how we are so much different. but so does his family. ESPECIALLY HER. so i just dont really appreciate the little jabs, and especially bc i never expected it from her. i thought she'd be my ally, maybe confidant, and the truth is, keep ur friends close and enemies closer im sadly finding out...
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
That's so hard
I know and remember well how you feel my kindred spirit of the painfully self aware.
We are always trying to be thoughtful, and it's so painful when we are met with thoughtless others with whom we have no choice but to interact.
Enjoy your own family!!!!!
Oh- and I looked on the map. We are way out of your way heading back. Maybe if you could crash here, but I don't think you guys will want to add to your long drive for a pit stop at Sita's B and B.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
oh boo :(
maybe another time though...when the weathers better--maybe we can set something up. OR if youre headed this way anytime soon...lots of lovely wineries in MO!
btw...thank u so very much for the invitation, especially since u will have ur family there. it means alot. funny how people we dont even really "know" can mean more than others who are always around...
my being younger doesnt help i guess. DH is 14 yrs my senior and im not 30 yet so i dont knwo if maybe that has something to do w it. but id give anything to trade places w her, and having been part of teh family for years, and have my own child w DH and REALLY be part of the family. i guess im just too sensitive for my own damn good
i WILL enjoy my family so very much, thank u! i cannot wait to see them...im homesick for them. and my friends whom i love so much. lately, its getting lonely here in missouri...
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin