Warning to all my friends: You might think less of me today
So on Christmas Eve I drank a bottle of wine at my mom's dinner party. Cabernet. All by myself. It was nummy.
After the party, DH and I dropped all the kids off. First the boys at their dads and then the girls at BMs. BM's new BF's car was in the driveway. I went to the door with DH only because I was half drunk and not gonna lie, wanted to see what the new BF looked like.
BM invited us in for a drink. (Again I was half drunk...) We obliged. So we drank some more...a lot more.
This is where it starts to get fuzzy.
BM, DH, new BF, and I were all standing and chatting at the island in BM's kitchen. New BF says that he's a personal trainer. BM than states that she has been working out....
BM: "I've been doing really good with it and I feel great..."
Me: "That's awesome. DH and I just joined the YMCA and I'm signing up for Yoga."
BM: "I've been buffing up...." Flexes her non existant muscles.
Me: Smiling my biggest fake smile "That's great for you."
BM: Looking right at me "I can probably kick YOUR ass now."
Now please understand. I outweigh BM by a good 40 lbs. She is a twig. To compare us to dogs (or bitches ;)), she'd be like a chiuahua and I would be like a golden retriever. So MY drunken, not-the-usual-kosher reply...
Me: "No you couldn't..."
BM: Laughing.."I betcha I could..."
New BF glances my way and our eyes meet and he's got a pleading look to them. So I smile.
Me: "I don't think so BM."
BM: Jokingly sticks her chest to mine "I definitely could kick your fat ass..."
So I body slammed her to the floor and my "fat ass" sat on her pinning her scrawny arms to the linoleum.
I looked right in her face and announced: "I highly doubt it..."
She squirmed and scratched my face as my lip started to bleed. I repinned her arms down with a bit of a thump. I could here DH behind me saying...."Colorado Girl...don't..."
I smiled down at BM and just said: "Maybe one day..."
I popped up and her BF handed me a tissue and mouthed a silent thank you.
So my friends, I apologize...I'm 30 years old and have no business pinning a woman 10 years my senior to the ground like we were two 12 year olds. I really am more refined than that. I swear. I really was embarassed the next morning.
But for just that fraction of a moment, before my voice of reason started echoing in my ears, I really did regress to the animalistic justice of just duking it out and letting the best (wo)man claim victory.
I wish it were that easy.
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lol
i wish i could do the same but i know i would kill the poor woman. yes i know i shouldnt think this way but sometimes its just to much to take, u have an excuse , u were drunk.
maybe i should do the same drive 9 hours to her house, then get drunk and kick her ass.
i know that would feel soo good lol
If ever there was an
If ever there was an appropriate time for ROTFLMAO, it's now. Whew!! CG, thank you for the best laugh I have had in weeks!
I could never think badly of you, and now I can live vicariously through your post, for there have been so many times I would have liked to have slapped or body slammed the BM. You're an awesome person, and we ALL have our moments. I don't think anyone would fault you for having yours. Happy Holidays!
Thanks B...
I really AM better than that. I swear.
It was really all in good fun. I didn't do any damage, I just felt the need to put her back in her place.
She's just a tiny little thing with a HUGE mouth. She really reminds me of a chihuaha...yappin' all the time.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Roflmao!!!
Let me repeat... Roflmao!!! Good for you, maybe she will think twice next time. I do tho wish you used your buzz for something else tho....like SEX with the hubby!!!
Nope, sorry I don't think less of you!!!
And one more thing..... Your not a golden retriever bitch, I would call you more like a cuddly cat!! LOL (with claws off course)
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
You didn't ask about LATER that night...
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there
is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Fearless!!!!
Hey there!!!
It really was some funny shit.
I really DO feel a little embarassed. I'm 30 years old for goodness sake. I was just too friggin' drunk to have my normal restraint.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, EVER
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, EVER FEEL EMBARRASSED!! That is the best story I have read in years!! I wish I could have been there to see it - good for you!!
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
HA HA HA HA HA!
CG I do NOT think any less of you!
She clearly was "daring" you...but you shoulda waited for the "triple dog dare" before knocking her ass to the ground!
LOL-you go, girlfriend!
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Think less of you? Not. Hey, maybe you culd come do the same with H. (never mind. he's at 250lbs. now. Probably put a hole in the floor if you body slammed 'im).
So how did it end? I mean, like, did she tell you goodbye?
Yes she said goodbye...
we finished our drinks and left a little later.
She actually called the next morning and apologized for her behavior. I told her that the whole night was a little foggy for me so no big deal.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
You are totally my hero!!!!
You are totally my hero!!!! Wish I had the guts...
hahaha
OK CG. That's seriously the funniest thing EVER and I really needed that laugh right now!!! Problem is I wasn't expecting to laugh that hard when I started reading your post...pregnant me + serious laughing = too close to peeing all over myself!!!!!!
You are soooo funny!!!!!!
Now THAT would have been a tale to tell...
I would never want to cause that.
Don't feel too bad though, with my second son I used to sneeze and well...
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
One question????????
Are you for hire??? Still laughing!!
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
yeah, can i hire you?
}:)
Of course...
...all I need is that good southern cookin for this fat ass.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I seriously do NOT
get how she thinks you are fat? You weigh what like 100 pounds soaking wet?????? She obviously doesn't know her ass from fat!
I don't think less of you!
I thank you for a smile and a great visual. If SD's BM ever so challenged me I would probably hurt MYSELF laughing so hard. Though she is as big (if not bigger than me). I think if your SKs BM mentioned anything about a fat arse she got less than she deserved.
We just saw Marley and Me last night and I keep picturing you as a Golden Retriever, all powerful and strong, sitting on a chiuahua.
To quote my good friend CG on my recent post,
"Who gives a shit what anybody thinks!"
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
It's her calling card...
she always calls me a fatass when drunk.
I don't take it personally. We're ALL fat compared to her. She fits in her nine year old's clothes. I'm proud to say that I've graduated from the Girls section of clothing stores.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
ROTFLMAO as well!!!
That is SO awesome!!!! Here's nominating you for my hero of the day!!! Even though BM is 6 inches shorter than me, she greatly outweighs me, so I'd never try that for fear she's sit on me with her gigantic butt, but MAN that must have felt good!
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
In this corner CG ... Lets get ready to rummmbbbbbllle!
I don't think any of us think less of you. At the point she placed her chest against yours it turned in to self defense.
Good job!
Next time give me some notice so I can call the Vegas bookie in time to make a little money.
Best regards,
That is too funny.
THAT made ME laugh.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Oh God........ Can't help myself...
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
SUPERTIGHT SWEATER SWINGER!!!!
LOL LOL lol LOL LOL LOL
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
SuperTight...
I am pretty SuperTight.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I love it!!
I will be snickering about this for the next week!! Sounds like you delivered what she was begging for..She had it coming..The stupid bitch! Your my hero too!!
In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities. ~ disgusted
She got what she ask for...
Oh how i wish i could have been a fly on the wall....She was the one that started that crap....And when you add Spirits, well she got what she wanted....She sounds a little redneck....Sounds like she needed to be brought down a few notches...I mean invite you in and then challenge you to a dual!!LOL...I know its wrong to fight and yes maybe it wasnt good, but im sure she wont be doing it again.....Oh we will live through you on that one.
Awww...that was lovely.
I'm glad I could be the source of your belly laugh.
When drunk, I usually am a grand source of laughter.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I think you showed admirable restraint
What a golden opportunity!!! she is lucky, for now, ha ha jk
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Hee, Hee
CG you are my hero.
My golden retrievers are proud too. 
WHAT a Christmas Present!!!
An ass whupping in HER home, in HER kitchen, in front of HER new BF. PRICELESS!
I know DH was secretly being a cheerleader. LOL. You have truly made my day. Think less of you??? Ha! We are ready to dedicate a day in your honor.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
hahaha
Nope...I'm pretty sure I now think even MORE of you! You're the best, I love your stories!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Cool
I'm trying to get a visual on this! I agree, she brought it on herself and I bet she won't try that again! What did DH and BF have to say about it?
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
That is awesome!!!!
I wish, just once I could do that to BM. Although, she outweighs be by 100lbs, about a foot taller and is a power lifter who has won trophies. I would still love to just whack that coniving smile right off her fat ass and give her a good what for. But, I would end up in jail. Maybe it would still be worth it though. May have to think on that one.
Making the decision to have a child is momentous~ It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside of your body~
gurl we love ya
and I would have had your back, believe you me if I could have gone thru the phone the other day (see my newest post) at FH ew and bs, I would have happily even if it meant I got stuck at the other end.ick
you did us proud!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Hahaha
Dh told me about your post but I didn't believe it until I read it myself! OMG!! Hahahaha! That too hilarious!
Dawn
And the winner, for POST OF THE YEAR 2008...
... is Colorado Girl!
Chiming in Late
CG- I was away and just now getting to your post.
The image of you on top of scrawny BM is just too priceless for words.
You are my hero!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
late here too
i read this the other day when u posted and i was in pgh w no access to a pc and my stupid phone wouldnt let me log in to post BUT this gave me a great visual and an even better laugh!! good for u CG! i wish i couldve been so bold a couple times myself!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
OMG!!!! I am so jealous!!
OMG!!!! I am so jealous!! You got to do what every Step-Mommy in this place dreams about. I almost peed myself reading this blog. I know everyone here knows that youare claasier than that. I am sure the heifer deserved it though.
I'm jealous too!!!
That was funny as hell!!!!