we FINALLY got the grades
and they are AWFUL. i mean, if SS were MY kid, i probably would kill him. just kidding of course but he came down in everything. has like 3 Fs!! i told DH how its gonna be from now on--NO CELL, XBOX, TV, NADA. EVERY nite that kid is gonna study EVERY subject NOW since he doesnt have a B in anything. and that DH HAS to STICK W IT. and wkends arent fun break time from studying anymore. they need to be utilized STUDYING.
i do feel bad for DH...he said hes so disappointed. i said what do u expect??? the kid didnt study, of course he failed his exams. UGH.
DH doesnt understand why SS cant do it on his own, bc DH never had to be told. i get that, but at what point do u realize that he isnt like that and start MAKING HIM???
bella hates to say i told ya so....oh, who am i kidding?? no i dont! 
really, thats not true--i dont want the kid to fail, i want him to do well. thats why i try to push DH to push him. now he doesnt have a choice.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
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I don't know Bella....
Is SS depressed at all? I mean I never had to be told, but after my brother's accident my grades went steadily down hill. My parents never even knew. It was up to me to bring them up and I got straight A's again my senior year.
It has to be that either he isn't capable, or is shutting down. Did he ever get to talk to someone about all the crap SD's BM put you all through? Maybe he's still stuck on something, or maybe there's something you don't know.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
i dont think so sita
he doesnt act depressed, has friends, is social, loves guitar and does that really well...DH did say that after the divorce is when SS's grades started slipping, but that was years ago.
i think hes just a lazy teenager. really. he doesnt do anything extra unless u tell him to. we'll be eating dinner and the dog will whine to go outside and he wont get up. things like that. i think hes just one of those kids who doesnt like school and now that its harder, its gotten even worse.
we got thru this every semester...and he will keep up on stuff for a couple weeks and DH will slack off bc SS is doing it on his own, and then SS stops bc hes not being pushed, and the vicious cycle repeats itself.
u know teens...unless they like school, theyd rather do ANYTHING except study!
he never did talk to anyone bc we cant afford it...we talked to him and felt he didnt have issue w it. in fact, the GAL really didnt focus on SS at all in his questioning...it was more general about SD's life w us and the relationship w crazy. could be though...who knows. he doesnt strike me as a depressed teen, but what do i know?
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Just a suggestion
He could just be an artsy fartsy person like myself, given he loves his guitar and does well with it.
I always said if I could have gone to a performing arts school, I would have THRIVED. I was not into school at all and most of my friends were through the theatre world not at my school. Felt like a waste of my time. But I was greatly depressed and liked to escape. School is not a good escape. It takes too many brain cells and lots of concentration.
I wish I had some advice. One thing we have going for us is all our kids have a pride issue with their grades. SD and BS 14 are highly competitive. So even if something slips, they try to get it back to A or B before we even see it. If it waits til report card time, they are mortified. BS 14 tried being really "cool" his first year at regular middle school and his favorite teacher called him on it. The next year he rocked his grades all the way through. He really wants to show he's smart.
But some kids just don't care about grades.
I hope your DH does buckle down and find a way to reach him.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
oh i know and i appreciate the suggestion
as always!
i just really feel that its typical teen empathy. at least i hope.
we saw improvement when i was helping him before, and i think 5teens hit it on the head about the drowning...i think SS felt like he was. then i came in and helped. he started doing better. but DH stopped forcing it and so i stopped being the nag. why do i have to be the one to force it? it gets old.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I'm kinda with you on this one Sita...
Maybe there is something else going on.
I don't think it's necessarily fair to chalk it up to him just being lazy. Not saying it's not possible, just saying that it MIGHT be more than that.
My BS13 is in counseling in order to prepare for the involvement (or lack thereof) of his biodad. Counselor told me just how hard it is for children to deal with abandoment...especially boys. My son is battling a situation that I can't even begin to empathize with...he needed professional help. I needed the professional advice to guide me on helping the little buddy. He seemed just fine to me except for little things (really tired ALL the time, lack of interest in friends, being bullied etc.). I just thought it was normal teenage behavior. Since seeing the counselor, his mood has just been a thousand times better. Twice a month he goes. It's been a forced upon me blessing.
Just letting you know my situation because grades slipping is such a tell tale sign for MANY issues with teenagers. Sometimes they are flooded with emotions that they are not capable of coping with or even REALIZE they are having.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
oh jeez
guess you don't even HAVE to say told you so, those grades say it all. Ugh!!!! Hopefully it won't be such a one sided battle any more Bella, you guys have to ride this kid every conceivable way, make him do his homework at the kitchen table, show you ALL assignments when he gets home, and then when they're done, check with the teacher and tell him you're going to to keep him honest, yup, do it all. It's going to take some effort, but eventually he WILL do it on his own, just to avoid this constant vigilance, but in the mean time, you're absolutely doing the right thing, prepare for the 9th circle of homework hell young man...
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
He can do it he is just LAZY
B - this kid CAN get good grades - and of course chica you have been right all along and now this proves your point!
Bet your DH hates that right? Anyways there are lots of kids that will just go home and do their homework and so they can go on to doing their other activities or know they need to keep their grades up so they can stay in sports. On the other hand there are kids like your SS (and my own BS by the way was like this in high school) that need to have there ass ridden every single night and have their homework gone over in order to stay focused. In high school my own BS got good grades then about 15/16 started doing the yeah I'm all done with my homework and I wouldn't check because he was already pretty consistent and guess what he was so busy talking to girls, wanting to go out with his friends, playing that flipping xbox 24/7 that his grades went from A's and B's to do a D's and F's. So as soon as I got home from work I sat down with him EVER night and went over it with him and the next semester his grades where back up. There was no more video games, no calls, no going out til he could prove to me he was really working to get his grades back up and I also had to address the part about him lying to me as well. AND to top all that off my son has ADD and Tourettes' (not the screaming obsenities thank god for the nervous twitches) so these kids are capaple I think there are too many labele being put on kids nowadays. So girl I think your SS is more than capable of having good grades but is just too lazy to put much effort in to it because at his age there is so many other things he wants to do - and doing homework is not fun!!! LOL!!! Good luck chica I'm sure this was a real eye opener for your DH. Ya think?
thats EXACTLY him ema
ur BS sounds just like him...he just wants to do other things that are more fun. when ive sat w him and helped him, he does well and shows interest. he just needs pushed.
no worries though cuz bella's in charge now!! bella's boot camp for delinquent high schoolers!!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
no its not coddling
its more bc BM isnt around. she left the boys w DH when SS was probably 9. has had limited visitation since. shes suppose dto have EOW but only takes him once a month or when she feels like it. its not spoiling, more like neglect.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Keep on him Bella
My mother battled this lazy teen crap with one of my brothers. She took care of getting homework and such done at home but he started slacking at school too. She actually took a leave of absence from work for a week (thankfully that's all the longer it took) and went to school with him. Followed him from class to class. Scooted a chair right up next to him in every class. In general, she embarassed the heck out of him. From then on when his grades started to slip, she'd bring home a vacation request and tell him he had to fill it out so she could go to school with him or get his grades up. Guess which he chose? he he
And people wonder where I got my mean streak!
Go Bella's boot camp!
Bella Boot Camp
I like that.
I think your SS is the same age as mine, Bella (15), right? That's when the course load starts to get tougher.
I don't know about your SSs school, but my son's HS offers a lot of after-school "clinic" help for students who are struggling. And the teachers will also stay after to help any specific student who needs it. Maybe this is something you can look into. Sometimes if you reach out to the teachers directly, they are more willing to work with the kid (and that's worth a few 'brownie' points just for trying
)
But it sounds like SS is very much gotten into bad, or no, study habits. And distractions, such as the xbox, ipods, and tvs, play a major role in the failing grades. So it looks like they might have to go into hiding for a while until his grades come back up. And the studying at the kitchen table (not in the bedroom) has to begin in earnest.
Ride his butt, Bella! Some kids really do not have the foggiest idea HOW to study, especially once they're overwhelmed. Maybe SS is at that point and he feels like he's "drowning". And once you get to that point, you tend to just throw in the towel and give up on EVERYTHING.
I feel bad for kids when they get to that point, because it's got to feel hopeless for them- to be failing at everything must make them feel so horrible, especially when they KNOW they can do better.
So even though you feel like kicking him in the a$$ right now, what he really needs is you and DH giving him a lot of support, encouragement, and structure.
Maybe once he starts to see that he CAN turn things around, everything will quickly fall into place, especially if the ABILITY is there.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
yep same age
last semester, we went thru this 5teens. i told DH what SS needed, no xbox during the week, studying at the kitchen table, me helping him, etc. we did it. for a few weeks. then DH stopped riding his ass bc he seemed to do it on his own. and little by little, the studying time decreased. and i didnt say a word. bc every time i did, id get "i know bella. okay." from DH, like he was flippin napoleon dynamite. like he was pissed i said something. hes really just agitated he has to tell SS again, but projects onto me. so i gave up. i KNEW he wasnt studying enough for his midterms, and i tried to tell DH. but DH would say something, SS would make excuses, so DH wouldnt force the issue. now look where that got us.
he was improving w my help, but DH didnt keep on him. and so i didnt. so i know the ability IS there. now, DH and SS dont have a choice bc i am MAKING DH MAKE SS DO IT. i cant handle these grades, even if hes not my own kid. his BM is mia, i take care of him, he lives w us, so i may as well be. and i cant sit by while he fails. especially not this former student, who graduated college w a 3.75 w a double major while working full time. i have no tolerance for laziness--from SS OR DH.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Well then, for your own sanity
Do what you know is right. Ragardless of DH. If BM is MIA and you know full well DH is going to drop the ball, then your SS ONLY has you.
And he's LUCKY AS HELL that he does.
(And I'm telling you this, because I know that HE won't!)
I know how you feel about the education issue. I don't think I could handle it if DH were blasé about it as your DH were. At least that's ONE area we agree on 100%! Our house has always been the "education" house. In fact, we have in-home tutors here for one or more of the children at least once a week! (right now it's BS15 who's struggling in Honors Geometry AND SD16 who's struggling in Honors Spanish).
Now here's the sad part...even though we'd always pay for it 100% (of course) BM would NEVER let us schedule a tutor to come to her house over the 6 years- they'd ALWAYS have to be scheduled on our time! How much sense does that make??? I mean, all you'd have to do is make your house quiet for a freakin' hour. You don't even have to DRIVE the kid anywhere, the person comes right to your door, but you REFUSE to have anything to do with helping your child with her education???
Pathetic.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
thanks 5teens :)
its not that DH is blase, its that he thinks SS should do it on his own just bc HE always did. and doesnt get why he cant. now, DH was never as good in school as i was, but its important to him just like it was to me. he just gives SS too much credit. the kid is FIFTEEN. if u, at 15, had your choice between doing homework, or watching tv all nite, what would U choose? especially when u know no ones gonna MAKE u do the homework?
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Interesting Question, Bella
And I have an ever more interesting answer for you...
Back when I was a TEENAGER and no one MADE ME do my homework...I still chose to do it.
And I was an honor student.
My parents never 'got on my back' about schoolwork. It was a work ethic that we, my brother and sister (and I think most of us at that age) had instilled in us from a young age.
Maybe it was nuns in Catholic School
I don't know. But what I DO KNOW is that I can clearly remember that in Freshman Year, my Biology teacher HATED me. She hated my sister, who she had three years earlier, so she hated me. And she was out to get me.
So in Freshman Year, there was a big Science Fair. It accounted for 1/2 your final grade. I picked my topic three months prior- "How various colored transluscent paper effects the growth of plants".
Well, I never was a "plant person" and all my plants died! I was TOAST! A week before the project was due, I was a complete mess. I asked my mom what I should do, and the only words of WISDOM she offered were, "Pray".
No help. I was on my own.
So what did I do? Luckily, God did bless me with the gift of creativity...and I made up the entire thing.
I bought new plants. I cut some off stems to "mimic" the results I thought it would yield for each color. And I made up the measurements and final results. The entire thing, including the "tri-fold" presentation board, and accompanying 50-page required paper- it was all a total farce.
And THEN I prayed! My mom looked at it and said, "She's going to know!" (Wow- thanks for the encouragement, mom)
And on the day of the big Science Fair, I set up my space and got out of the gym. The next day, everyone was looking for me. Apparently, so was my teacher!
BUSTED!
Or so I thought. Sheepishly, I went up to her, thinking I was going to be sent to the principal's office...
I had won SECOND PLACE for the ENTIRE FRESHMAN CLASS!!!
HA!!!!
The point is, even without my parent's help, I was bound and determined not to fail. And I didn't. I think our work ethic is just different from kids today. By and large, they just don't work as hard as we did when we were kids.
My DH read EVERY BOOK in his elementary school library by the time he graduated 7th grade. I'm not kidding. He had a long bus ride to and from school. So instead of wasting his time looking out the window every day, on his own, he decided he would use his time wisely and read EVERY BOOK.
And no one told him to- he did it on his own accord. What kid would do that today?
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
i know girl, me too
gosh u and i really are SO alike. soul sistas
my mom instilled it in me at a very young age and i was scared to get less than an A. she stressed how important it was for me, bc she wanted me to go to college, and knew she couldnt afford it, so i would need scholarships.
i cant even fathom not caring enough to get a C, D or F...
maybe Sita and CG are onto something...maybe he IS deprssed and needs some help. doesnt strike me as such, but im not a professional. he has friends, girlfriends, interested in guitar, etc...doesnt show any signs that im aware of. but since DH said his grades started slipping after the divorce, maybe theres something there???
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
You go girlie
I work full time for the gov 10 hours a flippin day so it was never like I could screw around at work and do homework or research or anything (I'm out on disability right now)and I managed to go to school get the same grade point average as you LOL and graduate with a degree in business and am just finishing up my masters (online though) and that is hard when you have been out of school so long I was 35 when I started - these kids don't have any idea how EASY THEY HAVE IT!!!! Aaack!
Hmm...
Maybe sit down with him and help him study... make it kinda enjoyable.
When I was little, my mom forced me to hit the books. Everyday. Every night. If I complained, I would get spanked. If I didn't study, I would get spanked. If I didn't get anything better than A's, I would get punished. My mom scared me into doing great in school. When my brother came along, she tried it with him... but it didn't work.
She could hit him all day long but it would not make him learn how to read faster. I stepped in and helped my little brother. We played all sorts of games, and it helped him tremendously.
BM never sits down with SD8 and helps her with her homework... yet both her and DH are dumbfounded when the teachers tell them that their daughter is to the point where she might have to repeat a grade. SD8 is so far behind... she doesn't know how to tell time... how to multiply... everyone in her class does... so one day I sat down with her and played a time game. She was able to learn how to tell time quickly. Of course... she never mentioned that I helped... she just "miraculously" learned how to tell time... but she learned nonetheless.
While some kids can be forced to study and do well... some kids can't. SS might be one of those kids. He's mucho struggling so maybe have yourself and/or DH sit down with him and help him a bit... put some fun into it with games or humor or something! He might learn a little faster that way.