Is anyone sad? Or is everyone just mad?
I just joined the site because I really never knew there were so many out there like me. This is refreshing, yet sad to me. We are actually currently separated, but living in the same house - it's up for sale as of last week. The kids know nothing yet, that we have told them anyway. We need to both stay here until the house sells, as neither of us can afford otherwise. We've been together for seven years, living with the kids for 5. Things with the kids got rough a couple of years ago when he changed the way he wanted things to be - at first I had the disciplinary authority, then overnight, I did not. Yet I was still the only one home with them, the only one taking them to their activities, the only one doing homework, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, making the meals. It can't just change like that overnight, with no discussion. It doesn't work that way. BELIEVE ME.
Tonight was awful. But keep in mind - this is not much different from how it was before we separated. As usual, I made dinner, SD12 doesn't eat anything besides sweets, ruins our dinner every night. Yet I still try. Both girls were horrible tonight, nasty, disrespectful, just awful. Their father stood up to them, he punished them both by taking their phone's, taking one's laptop, and telling the other she had to sit at the table until her mother picks her up (probably around 10) if she wouldn't eat. I lose it, and yell at her. Since we're selling the house, I ask their father to please be sure they clean up the 10 towels on their bathroom floor, the used roll of toilet paper that god forbid should go in the trash, instead it's on the floor, their makeup and hair stuff and everything else. SD13 FREAKS out b/c she's asked to do this, but eventually she does, with a screaming fit that lasted for 30 minutes and left me with a severe migrane. Great, so he's disciplined them.
A half hour later, both girls have their phones, SD12 is no longer having to sit at the table, she is allowed to scrape her entire plate in the GARBAGE (did I mention the WASTE that happens in this house??), and I'm in my bedroom. (I always say - Say what you mean and mean what you say (a true fault of his in my opinion that he never does). I hear SD13 on the phone, calling her friend an f'ing B, I can't help myself so I go in and tell her that she is NOT to use that language in my house, she replies "geez" and returns to her friend on the phone saying, oh that's just "J" she is really strict. I go back to my room and 10 minutes later hear her telling her friend, "yeah my parents are really strict, well not really my mom, but J. She just sits in her room now and my dad sits downstairs and they never talk to each other either. So I go in, tell her to mute her phone, and tell her if she is going to talk about me to close her GD door. Now I feel awful. I can't understand how I cannot control myself at this age. I hear so many people on here mad and frustrated, but is anyone just SAD? I'm mad, don't get me wrong. I am SO frustrated, but I am also SO sad. These are children who used to worship the ground I walked on, who loved me so much, and who are now just SO nasty. I know, that is how teenagers are right? But I feel it must be harder somehow when you are not the biological parent. Obviously, everyone is probably saying, what does she care now? She is separating? But the guilt trips don't stop, and the doubt doesn't either. Has anyone been through a breakup with stepchildren involved? I have no biological children myself. This is tearing me apart - being here, and the thought of leaving.
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I truly fear this
Everything's going good now, but who knows when the other shoe will drop and FH, by then probably H, will decide to drastically change the parenting style, right in the midst of a houseful of teenagers.
I'm sorry your relationship is ending. I hope you can find peace. As far as the guilt trips go, eff that. You know you did your best in a messed up situation. No one can blame you for trying. The doubt's another thing. Don't doubt that you need and deserve a partner who trusts you to parent his children, especially if he's going to hold you responsible for so much of their lives.
Best of luck.
Don't take what the skids say to heart,
and I know that's easier said than done.
About a year and a half ago, BF and I broke up for about 6mths. To give you a quick run down, I have no bio children either and BF has 3 sons from a previous relationship.
Although when BF and I separated the skids were never nasty to me, but I can understand how you feel. It's upsetting hearing the skids speak badly to you and about you, but also remember they do it to their own parents as well. How many times can you remember as a child when you didn't get your own way and you said, "I hate mum/dad", I know I did.
When I finally did move out (as it is BF house) I went from a house that was full of 5 people over the weekends to only me and not knowing what to do with myself. It's not easy, but the best advice I can give you is to keep yourself busy as Dorothy said. It will be okay and you will get through this, try not to worry about anyone else. Just concenstrate on yourself.
It will get better.
)))HUGS(((
Stepping can be Sad.
Juniper,
Welcome to the community. Yes, we all get Sad about our situations as Sparents some times. It is sad that the kids get yanked around by their BioParents and cling to us as a stable parental influence then grow to be TEENS! I am pretty fortunate in that my wife and I established our marriage as the core of the family early in our blended family adventure. My SS knows this and knows that I am Dad with all of the disciplinary responsibilities that come with that role.
I am sorry to hear about the decline of your marriage.
Hang in there.
Best regards,
Juniper nothing is written in stone
Maybe you all want the separation, but maybe it will change, if you both want it to, so that you're back together in the end. Even if that's not the case and separation is the best thing for both of you, you can walk away knowing you've done all you can do. SM's try harder than anyone and work harder at making things work...and obviously you were doing that since you were together for so long. And you're entitled to feel sad and mad both...I do. I have problems with my bf/fh that make me angry and sad...and the skids make me feel the same. It's normal. I feel sad that fh takes me for granted and is emotionally abusive, and I feel sad that the skids have two shoddy parents alot of the time(when fh acts out).
It makes me sad too, that their parents divorced...that musta been hard...and it makes me sad too that even divorce didn't change who they fundamentally are...the bm is a complete trainwreck, and my fh doesn't have the guts to stand up to her at all. And I get mad too....mad that bm walks all over fh (and tries that w/me too), and ignores her kids and doesn't do anything even remotely motherly. And I get mad that I work my azz off just to have fh treat me like nothing I do is good enough, and bm can do no wrong. And the skids...I love them, but they are lazy, demanding, dirty, and ungrateful...and that makes me mad.
Just because you're separating doesn't mean you can turn off your feelings like a light switch. You still having feelings of all kinds about your skids and your partner. Youve spent so many years altogether that it isn't going to just stop overnight.
Know that we're all here for you and will be here to support you through everything.
Hugs, LT
Sad yes, Mad as hell oh yeah...
I am sorry for you situation also. I has to be tough in your home. I remember my mother saying her biggest accomplishment was not killing my sitter and I as teenagers. Girls are terrible as teens and knowing they can play you off as the bad guy makes it even worse. My SS are 9 and 11 and already I have to bite my tongue to not say what I am truely thinking. I remind myself of the saying I saw that said "The best time to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust." Being the parent who tries is really frustrating when the bio-parent gives in, but in the end when these girls grow up ( that is IF they grow up) and have their own kids it will come back to them what you tried to do and hopefully a little will have stuck. So am I sad yes, but to me I guess it's easier to get mad then be sad in a situation I have choosen but has changed since the begining.
I am mad and sad as well
but all you hear on this site is anger most of the time. But we are all here to vent--which is way all the anger.
I am angry that my BS is now feeling the pain of a split family when his core family is intact. I feel sad that he will not have a normal childhood becuz his half sister will try and ruin it every chance she gets. I feel sad thinking that I and my Biokids will be cheated of what they could have had if my H had not had another child with someone else. We would have more money, time with Biokids, and generally be a happier family. And I feel angry that I even feel that way. It could be so different if SD was a normal child, if BM did not talk badly abot us.
The only way to change these things is for us as SMs to leave. I have considered it in my own situation as well. But then my Biokids will be affected too. Then they will have a split family--though I am sure I would do better with the situation than the BM.
You being on your own have the oppurtunity to really step backa nd decide what it is you want. Sadly, if I were you I would leave too. I wish I had left my H before I had his children but I ignored the red flags. Don't ignore yours, really think it through. Separation is not divorce, you can try dating while not living together--reconnect.
Thank you everyone
for these comments and support. It really does help - sadly - that others have been through this as well and that I am not alone.
One thing I left out is that although we have lived together and with the kids for around 5-6 years, we are not married. We have been engaged for almost 5 years, with no hope of marriage in our future - his decision, not mine. This also makes things so hard for me. Hard to understand how I can give so much for so long, and not only never hear or see appreciation, but also am not worthy of being his wife. His children call me their stepmother to everyone, but we are still not married. What I do is never enough. Never frequently enough, never good enough, never to his unrealistic standards.
And I get mad at myself in addition to the frustration I feel towards them at these times. I get so angry with myself that I am 32 years old and can't control my frustration and sadness, at least around them.
Another thing is, as good as it feels to get this out, I hate saying/writing it because I never want anyone to feel bad for me. And because I was so sure 7 years ago that I would be able to handle this (even when they were teenagers), and now I feel like I've lost.
we dont feel bad
we can sympathize.
we understand what you are going thru.
I think we are mad b/c what we thought would be so positive turned out to be less than idealic.
Sad b/c we have to deal with things beyond our control.
but in the long run if your SO is willing to listen and back you up then it may be well worth it.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
ITs Sad
It seems to me that you are preparing to break-ip with your stepchildren,
To me
Your head is mad
Your heart is sad
As much as or as many problems I have with my teenage stepson, I would feel sad too if I seperated from DH, I still want to go to SS wedding and be step grandma
You've summed it up so
You've summed it up so well... as frustrated as I get with my 3ss the 2 youngest are the only thing that has kept me from packing sometimes when things get truly bad with the oldest. Just last week I was hiding in my bathroom crying because I was so mad at the oldest and felt my heart had been ripped out. Then ss6 came in, saw me crying and started to cry himself. He came and gave me a hug and apologized that his 'bub' made me cry... so yes, we often get sad - it is family, faults and all.
Juniper I think that we stepmoms with no biokids
feel the loss of a breakup of a step family so deeply because those skids have truly become our kids in every sense of the word. The good, the bad, the ugly- they truly have become our kids, so for you personally, having to deal with the breakup of your relationship (which I am truly sorry for) is bad enough, but now these kids that u have treated as your own for so long are now treating you like you ate totally expendable. A biomom will always be the Mom, no matter how much of a POS she is, a biodad will always be the dad, but what about us stepmons?...we feel like we have sacrificed our single lives and accepted this responsibility of raising these children that in a lot of cases have been disregarded until we came along and now....wtf???....I wish you all the strength in the world to get through this...and I just KNOW that someday those kids will look back and realize who was TRULY there for them. Hopefully...they can find u
Sad, mad, angry, confused....
JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'
Being a SM has put me all over the page. The raw emotions you go through can really wear on your mind and tear you up inside. Unfortunately for us SM's who don't have biokids, it's worse because you get the blame for everything, along with the old familiar phrase, 'you don't have kids so...(insert appropriate comment)'. I've tried to see Skids and DH's points of view, tried to be fair and do what's right and still it's a no-win situation.
I haven't been through the breakup yet and I'm hoping it doesn't ever come to that, but I can see where it could easily happen. As much as we all love our spouses/SO's, (or if we didn't we wouldn't be on this website pouring our hearts & souls out) and don't want to walk out, sometimes that's about the only thing you can do when all else fails. It's sad because eventually those Skids are going to grow up & get out of the house and DH is back on his own again.
Juniper, whatever you choose, you need to make sure you're fair to yourself because in the end, no one else will be if you don't stand up for yourself. Good luck to you ~