I agree. As soon as it gets important to ss, he'll remember to bring a clean uniform. If Bm isn't listening, then it's up to ss. He's old enough at 14 to remember that.

Stick to your guns!!!

to vent! It doesn't matter if it's about dirty uniforms or whatever... that is what we're here for. You're upset, and you have every right to be, and I would rather you let it out on here than keep it built up inside you.

Anyway...

Why bother anymore? You have done everything you can to get SS a clean uniform for Friday. Apparently both BM and SS don't care. So why should you? If SS wants to go to school all smelly, that's fine by me!

Tell DH to stop being SS's maid because SS needs to learn himself that if he doesn't start taking responsibility for his own things, he'll suffer.

I have been down this road many times....b4 my skids came to live with me...ALL the clothes they came with EOW weekend were always dirty....I mean u could tell they had been wearing the same socks all week.....After constantly ragging on the stay at home, chat on the computer and watch jerry springer BM, she would finally wash the clothes and then send them to me in a green garbage bag WET!!.....so...I used to get sooo mad at my skids for not making her send them with clean clothes and then I realized they couldn't make her do anything...she is truly a lost cause...I mean when u see SS15 snuggle into his pillow and smile bcause I just washed his sheets...u realize wow!...and I asked him,,,didn't yur Mom ever wash yur sheets????...and he said "no". Anyway...maybe if u saw it as he REALLY appreciates YOU because YOU won't allow him to have to wear a dirty uniform like his own mother...maybe that can give u a little peace...My skids get the greatest joy and are so proud of finally wearing WHITE socks Be the better Mom even tho it sucks cuz eventully these kids will get it ....Just my humble opinion

"Sooner or later, everyone's bill comes due"

We had this very issue wen BM was CP. Problem was that the CLEAN uniforms BM sent were sour and dank from her washing them and assuming that they would dry on their own. She would actually pack them in the kids backpacks that they took to school as if she had done a good service. When we went for 50/50 she became out right indignant and refused to send anything. THis was fine because we were used to having to wash the uniforms because she did such a horrible job. I used to think that was just her being mean and spiteful, but later found out that was just her way of washing clothes. Would sometimes run them through the wash with no detergent. Ewwwww. So it clearly explained why DH did the laundry when they were married. Once he and I got together we had different views on it, but we are both very capable of doing it. I was raised to do laundry once a week. I ususally started Friday evening (when I worked) and would be completely done by Saturday A.M. DH on the other hand wastes water, detergent and everything else. Please don't take it as a complaint, just stating the facts. DH will wash throughout the week, but then has to do it on the weekend STILL. Waste of time and money I think. You would not believe the turn around on laundry in our house. I can wear something today and it be hanging in my closet within 48 hours. NO LIE. Like going to the cleaners. That is the reason why the kids wear the same thing...their favorites. Now they argue they have to have all of these expensive clothes, but when it gets down to it, they wear the same 5-6 items repeatedly every week.

In fact, SS wore a pair of gray sweats to school on Wednesday. I'll have you know that he has on the very pair of pants again TODAY and it is only Friday! And YES they are clean. This drives me bananas. I no longer fight it because DH does the laundry and he doesn't complain. So, if he would let me do it my way then I would have no problem doing it. But because HE prefers to do it his way...have at it. It is no longer an issue in our house. BUT I TOTALLY understand your frustration. SS is 14. He is well beyond the age where he should be taking responsibility for his things and packing his OWN bag for visits. My 12 year oldl packs his own bag. He may forget something every now and again, but he doesn't forget too often. The best lessons are hard lessons. I would probably handle it the same way that you are. It is not about the uniform it is about RESPONSIBILITY. It is SSs and not yourss. I don't care if BM never sent an outfit for him. It is not her responsibility. AT 14 it is his and his alone.

People who get on HIGH Horses will find the fall to be most painful. ~ME :->

I totally understand where you're coming from.

I think SS14 is old enough to be introduced to the washer and dryer. This will be hard for you - the laundry room is my domain too - but I would have him wash his own uniform.

Make him responsible for his own appearance. I bet he'll remember to bring a clean one with him the next time.

SSons used to get their clothes dirty on purpose and I would be the one stuck scrubbing stains out of clothes. I would argue with DH about it and he would say "they're boys, boys get dirty."

Well one morning DH and I were taking them to a family function. I had to run a quick errand before the function. When I left SSons asked to play outside. DH said okay but don't get dirty cause we're leaving when BettyRay gets back.

When I got back the boys clothes were on the wash line. DH storms out of the house and tells me that SSons got dirty on purpose. He saw them running and sliding in the grass and mud. DH was totally shocked :?

So he made SSons change out of the dirty clothes, then had them scrub the grass and dirt stains out of their own clothes and then showed them how the washer worked. Finally he had them hang the clothes on the wash line.

DH also told SSons, in front of me, that if it happened again they would be doing their own laundry.

SSons have never forgotten this, and they don't get dirty on purpose now either.

~BettyRay
________________________________________________________________
"PROBLEMS ARE ONLY OPPORTUNITIES IN WORK CLOTHES."
-Henry Kaiser

We asked BM via email to send back an outfit FSS went home in that weekend. She replied - I always send clothes back after I wash them but okay. Two weeks later, the next time we had FSS1, the clothes came back - unwashed, stained beyond belief and stinking to high heaven. She did not do laundry during those 2 weeks - NASTY! How can anyone with kids wait that long to do laundry. She has the machines right in her home on the main level so its not like she has far to go to get it done. I am still waiting for an outfit we send FSS1 home in right after Christmas since BM sent him in a sleeper that we 2 sizes too small and his little feet were smushed.

Gross is gross. I agree SS14 should be responsible enough to bring a clean uniform. I am guessing he remembers his homework, permission slips, instrument (if he plays one), etc.

I can understand why this drives you crazy, it would me too. My ss showed up in a sweatshirt that totally had the cuffs hanging off it. His older brother wore it last year & it had some small rips & DH told him he was not allowed to wear it here. It was a hand me down from the neighbor kid.

On her own BM makes close to 100 thou, PLUS she gets DH's 1/3 tax free & we pay for very expensive health insurance & she send the kid off to school with a sweat shirt with holes. I told SS8 that he looked like he lived in an orphanage wearing that. That I was sure his mom didn't see ( how the hell could she not!!) how badley it ripped & NOT to wear it to school again unless BM sewed it up or he brought it over & had me do it. His baby brother was sick otherwise I would have pulled out my machine then & there.

Will it happen, who knows. If it ends up here I am tossing it & buying him a new one. Our BM isn't a bad mom but she just doesn't care about clothing on herself or the boys. Is it worth arguing over, no. It irritates me that someone could think that BM was pverty stricken & that is why my SS was dressed like that, but so not worth saying anything ourselves to her.

Me, I would wash the damned uniform because a stinky SS is a direct reflection on me. I do so damned much laundry here that what is one more load. HOWEVER I would sit down with SS have a heart to heart & tell him that at 14 he needs to be responsible for this & keep trying to get him to pack a uniform.

Maybe it's because I'm new here, but I thought this was a venue for Steps to get healthy advice and vent, not a place to encourage toxic behavior??? Having said that, here are my thoughts on the DIRTY UNIFORMS...

YOU WROTE:
"I SEND BM SEVERAL EMAILS THAT SS NEEDS A CLEAN UNIFORM FOR FRIDAYS BECAUSE I DON'T DO WASH ON THURS NIGHTS..."

Trying to justify your need to create drama with silly excuses like "I don't do wash on Thurs." makes you appear very petty and insecure.

"I WAS HOUNDING SS TO BRING AN EXTRA UNIFORM..."

With all of the energy you've spent "HOUNDING" and emailing BM, you could have easily acted like a caring adult and used the opportunity to TEACH SS how to use a washer machine!

"...DH WOULD WASH THE UNIFORM AFTER I FELL ASLEEP, OR I WOULD HEAR HIM GET UP EXTRA EARLY TO PUT THE CLOTHES IN THE DRYER....IT'S BEEN UPSETTING ME FOR A WHILE, HE ALWAYS SCREWS UP MY MACHINE AND I HAVE CLOTHES EVERYWHERE..."

Bullying your DH into feeling like he has to SNEAK to wash his own child's clothing is OUTRAGEOUS! Continuing on that path will most certainly be toxic to your marriage. Beyond that, WHAT washing machine gets screwed up by running a load of laundry? KUDOS to your DH for puttig his child's needs FIRST. BOOS to your DH for putting up with your juvenile control issue for all this time!

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THIS...You CHOSE to marry a man with a child. This means you ALSO CHOSE to be a Step...MOM. Being a MOM (Step or Bio) is not just a title. It's making a DECISION to SELF-LESS-LY attend to the needs of the children in your care. It means TEACHING them to be independent. Most importantly, it means AND SETTING A HEALTHY EXAMPLE OF HOW TO GET ALONG IN THE WORLD. Clearly his BM is failing in these areas. I have no idea WHY you would punish a child for his MOTHER'S failures!

The smartest advice I ever received about being a Step-mother is this...

....ACCEPT the things you cannot change. Have COURAGE to change the things you can, and seek the WISDOM to know the difference....

It seems you have THREE options...
1) Be a good SM and TEACH your SS how to do his laundry on Thursday nights.

2) Go BUY him an EXTRA uniform. Have him wear it on Friday. Wash the dirty one on Saturday. Save the energy for things that are IMPORTANT.

3) Continue to try to control everything and end up with a SS that doesn't respect/like/trust you and a husband that's tired of you creating chaos where NONE exists.

because it hurts him to see his child suffer because of the failings of his BM....and maybe he looks to you to make it better for SS14. I couldn't send any child to school with a dirty uniform that his mother didn't wash because in actuality who are you hurting?...BM?...no SS14....I try to be a good mother role model to my own SS15 because it is the opoosite sex parenting that will affect these kids the most in life....so If I chose to marry my DH cuz I love him, why wouldn't I want to make his children's lives better if I have the power to do that?.....listen SS14 could absolutely wash his own uniform, but he needs a strong MOTHER role model to show him why its so important to wear a clean uniform which obviously his BM hasn't shown him...Maybe she doesn't even wash his uniform while he is with her...how do u really know???...just remember...u have to walk a mile in these kids shoes when they go back and forth between parents....u really don't know what he deals with from her...and maybe he's stuck between a rock and a hard place...trust me...my SS15 is now a clothes hound and can't wear anything dirty....but only because I showed him the importance of appearance.... :)....IMHO

"Sooner or later, everyone's bill comes due"

"Why should SHE try to teach him?"

Why shouldn't she teach him if she chose to be his stepmom and the BM is a failure at being a mother??? So as a woman u just let the kid suffer because his Mom is a POS?? just asking

"Sooner or later, everyone's bill comes due"

OMG Sw19....I didn't realize you aren't supported by yur DH....I just can't imagine that!!! If my DH told me I couldn't say anything cuz I'm not the Mom...then I'd tell him not to bring his kids to MY house....but I'm blessed that my DH and I are on the same page....sorry for yur situation :(....

"Sooner or later, everyone's bill comes due"

Speaking from experience, I went through this with DH and SD15. Not the uniform, but the overall laundry battle.

First of all, at 14 SS is old enough to do his own laundry. Will your DH agree to that?

Second, as long as YOU are not the one washing it, I would be OK with it "being" washed Thursday. But here's what I would do: Get together a load that matches whatever is being washed (lights for the pants and darks for the shirt). Then I would "inform" DH that if he chooses to wash SS's uniform for him, you're fine with that. However, he needs to wash an entire load and not just one piece of clothing. That way you get some laundry of your own done!

Frankly, this is not worth the battle. I agree SS is ALSO old enough to make sure he has a clean uniform. However, you really have no idea what is going on at BM's house. If DH wants to put in his time every Thursday to do two loads of laundry, so be it.

I stopped doing ALL of SD15's laundry when she was about 10 and complained one too many times to DH about the fact that the particular piece of clothing she wanted to wear that day wasn't clean. First of all, she wasn't putting them in the laundry hamper. Second, she expected them to be clean and returned to her the "very next day." Not going to happen. So, DH stepped in and began doing SD's laundry because clearly I wasn't sensitive enough to her situation (his opinion). However, he soon came to realize what a pain it was and how ungrateful SD was and he too stopped. Now SD either washes her own laundry or BM does it. I don't get involved AT ALL.

I skimmed through the replies so if someone suggested this sorry for repeating:

Wouldnt it be easier to have DH buy a uniform, pants & shirt, how much can it cost? He wears this on Friday, leaves old one to be washed when laundry is being done, wears that next week... rinse and repeat.

I understand your frustration with BM & SS, but is trying to get them to do the right thing, isnt the best thing to find an option that doesnt create work for you or DH by requiring a wash on Thurs night, and removes the friction this is causing to your marriage.

$60 is cheap for a little peace. Its letting go of the frustration and not letting their behavior dictate your response. Let it go and dont let it impact you because it doesnt have to.

Then take another $60 and put that towards a happy hour you deserve!

In our situation, BM was supposed to buy uniforms out of CS, so she took the free handmedowns that people donated to the school. SD went to school in ratty, ill fitting uniforms, safety pinned to fit her, or when buttons were missing. She had no cold weather uniforms when I met him, no sweaters she was allowed to wear, only skort type bottoms and polo or blouses, thread bare at best, covered in stains. She didn't even have knee socks, but tiny sports type socks that didn't even come up to wear her school shoes hit. OH yeah. And the school shoes. BM bought them too big, and told her to stuff a whole pair of socks in the toes of each shoe.

UGH.

So we finally broke down and bought some things. A pair of shoes that fit, a few white polo shirts and uniform pants, socks, AND A fleece that was uniform color, to keep warm in the ancient school.

BM called DH after the shoes ("What's THE MATTER with the ones I BOUGHT????" Ummm... she has to put a whole pair of socks in the toes to keep them on for starters.) Then when SD told her I bought the fleece jacket, BM called DH yelling "Tell HER to stop buying SD's LOVE!" (DH said, "Ummm...a warm sweater to wear to school that cost 9 bucks at Walmart is hardly buying her love. But wait- that's right! Only YOU are allowed to BUY HER LOVE!"

So that went well. Then...as the school year settles in....guess which uniforms we got BACK each Thur? The used dingy threadbare etc ones of course.

Then during the custody case I just ordered a couple hundred dollars worth of uniforms from a catalogue. Nothing fancy but enough that if she left some over there no biggie. THEN BM took her out to an expensive uniform store and bought her two skirts SD wanted (then NEVER wore all year b/c she suddenly decided she didn't like skirts.) FORTY bucks a piece those skirts (which was why I hadn't bought them.)

Ok...so I get your uniform dilemma. And NO! NO subject is too petty to vent about in the life of stepmomhood. Because in reality this whole situation is caused by BM pettiness for most of us to begin with.

MSloan is right. We had to let it go. I think now too that BM is so out of control of her emotional responses that she may have convinced herself that she bought them. She is completely nuts. I have been starting to feel better about her along with SD, as I realize just how crippling their thought process is for them. I am no longer choosing to play and it feels GOOD.

"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert

First of all I don't blame you for being pissed about the uniform. You have rules at your house that YOU DONT DO LAUNDRY ON THURSDAYS. Simple solution - have your DH buy the kid a uniform and have DH or the kid wash it and keep yourself out of the mix. If one of them forgets to wash it then that is THEIR problem. SS is 14 - he needs to be responsible for his own clothes. My son was introduced to laundry at 8 and was able to put in a bag what he wanted to wear when he went to visit his dad at age 6 or 7. I would tell your DH you are washing your hands (HAHAHA) of the whole thing and not going to worry about it. He has no control over BM and in my opinion BM is just being a bitch about the whole thing and it is just causing problems between you and DH over something simple that your DH should be taking care of NOT YOU!