FH(now downgraded to bf) didn't bother to tell me about the skids having tutoring this morning. I was really sick last night and went to bed at 8pm. I got up at 6:50 this morning, which is pretty late for me so I was running behind. Bf comes home and wakes up the skids so they can get ready for something. I have to hurry in the bathroom and get out. I tell bf that he should have told me they had to be somewhere (tutoring as it turns out). Bf tells me I'm supposed to 'just know' since it is Tuesday. (He's never explained how it works).
So I'm angry that I had to hurry in the bathroom and also because he didn't bother to tell me. I feel like crap cuz I'm still really sick today. Because I'm mad about him not telling me about the tutoring, I tear into him.
I told him I was HURT again that I am the last to know anything, that I don't get included in knowing about anything (just kinda gets dumped on me), and that as his partner/gf/fiance/whatever I'm supposed to have enough respect from him for me to be talked to about these things. I told him my heart always feels ripped out because I am never ever in the loop of communications. Even the shrink backed me up on that. So bf just ignores it and wants to sleep because he'd worked all night.
So, I was super p*ssed that he wouldn't spare 10 minutes to talk to me when he just spent 20 driving his frikkin rotten kids to tutoring. So I went on a bender screaming and throwing things around and trashing the bedroom in frustration. I realize that wasn't the best thing to do but I am so hurt and frustrated all the time I just can't hold it in.
I also told bf that I hated his guts and wished he was dead for all the crap he puts me through. He'd said that I'd better bring my own dinner home cuz he wasn't cooking and he wasn't taking out my garbage at my place today...all of which I said, well no duh I can't depend on you anyways!!! So that's kinda what inspired me to freak out and throw stuff around.
He of course had to throw in, "well this is why you haven't gotten your ring yet." As though my broken heart is the cause of my not getting the ring! Its like he can rip me apart, tear my guts out and when I call him on it, he flips it around on me like it's my fault I haven't gotten a ring yet because I haven't been "nice enough" to him or put up with enough of his crap! That part made me mad so I dumped my vanity stuff on the floor and started crying.
I'm tired of him and I know today he'll be all up on me for being "dramatic". I'm not being dramatic!!! My heart hurts and aches inside so badly I want to not live anymore because of all the crap with him. And instead of actually hearing that, he acts like this is just a big show for him to goad him into giving me the ring or "obeying" me...whatever that means.
He said early on that he wasn't going to be a doormat again...I've never done anything to him to make him a doormat. Instead, which the counselor agreed with, he's swung the other way and become the aggressor and the person who stomps on their partners feelings...he's basically become his ex-wife.
I've been looking at realestate for a few weeks seriously, and yesteday I got a call from a guy with a house for sale near here. It's within my price range if he comes down a bit, which I hope he will. I'm going to offer to sign papers tonight if he'll drop the price a little.
I'm absolutely completely done with bf. He has treated me like crap and turned it all on me saying it's me, my bad and I'm "crazy". I'm done. I don't care what he says, thinks, or does. I'm going to start living life again and not be miserable anymore.
And what's more, with this new place, I can get a dog!!! I can have my life back again and start to live...happily and free of all the crap I get from bf and his kids and the scumbag bm.
I know I've said before that I was leaving, but I always came back, but I think that this is it for me now. If I can get this house, I'm calling movers immediately and have them come get my stuff.
I don't feel like I'm a failure as a stepparent because I know in my heart I've done better than either of their real parents (even last night, when they knew I was sick, they said they'd be quiet and good so I could sleep...and they were). I have no regrets as far as the skids though, with the exception of not going to hockey...but I would have gone had their father treated me right and given me things that I needed. I guess that's all pretty moot now.
I think now is the time to start a new chapter in my life.
Thank you all very much for all your support and letting me vent...and for all your great advice.
Lots of love, LT