Of course you're not. But you already know that. Perhaps reconciliation with your husband doesn't include his living with you. He's shown you twice where you and SD rate with him, and I doubt it will ever change. ((hugs))

I do not mean to be disrespectful in any way by asking this question - it's just a question!
Since your SD abused her position as caregiver, have your skids/DH been told that your DD is off-limits? Even so, I would still say your SS was being quite a jerk by taking your instructions so literally, if that were the case.

Sorry that you are going through this!

I don't think your DD needs to be around your DH and his kids. They sound like they do not have any compassion or empathy for someone that is challenged.

I think you need to point out exactly what you said in your post, you raised your SS while HIS BIO PARENTS WEREN'T AROUND. Your SS will not appreciate it, and if your DH doesn't appreciate what you have done for him, then he needs to find some other place for him and his baby boy to live.

I had a disabled Aunt that came to live with us when my Grandparents died. My Mom worked, so I helped care for her after school. I was a teen and yea I was a selfish brat, and it was annoying but I had compassion for her and wanted to help my Mom. Your SS is being an ass and your DH sees no problem with that.

It won't change and you shouldn't have to life one finger for them if they can't for you.

"I think you need to point out exactly what you said in your post, you raised your SS while HIS BIO PARENTS WEREN'T AROUND."

YES. Have you said this yet?

I have a boyfriend that I am madly in love with. We are PERFECT for each other. Our situations, however, are not. We both have kids. It would be DISASTROUS if we lived together. We are literally talking about marrying and living apart until the kids are 18 (which will be in 7 years). I hate this, but I would hate life together even more. If your guy is worth keeping, then I would consider this. I don't know what your housing situation is, but if one of you can get a place close by, then your DH can spend as much time as he wants/needs to help you out. A 16 year old should be doing his own thing/working anyway and shouldn't be sitting at home needing Daddy.

I can totally understand why you're feeling all Mama Bear about this - I probably would too. And for what it's worth, I think SS is a little shit for acting that way. Common freaking decency would mean he plugged the stupid tablet in for her - instead he found a way to "stick it to the steps" by acting like an ass. I'm frankly APPALLED that your DH is letting his kids get away with this sort of behavior. Rule #1 in my house (for bios and steps alike) is that we treat each other with kindness. Infractions of that rule result in consequences, because we're raising productive and healthy members of society and not little sociopaths.

I guess you have to decide if DH's reaction is a deal breaker for you. Do you want to be married to a man who does not seem to have the same values you do? You could certainly try counseling first, and see if maybe you could work things out. For myself, I suspect that would be a deal breaker though. I simply couldn't be married to a man who would allow his children to treat someone that way (or condone it through his silence), let alone my own daughter.

I'm so sorry, this must be hell for you.

I don't think you are over reacting at all your feelings are your feelings and you should feel however you wants. I can understand your frustration with this and why you would be questioning your marriage.

However - I have a question for you.

You blame SD for DD being removed from your home and while there may be more to the story but from what I've read it seems like a stretch?

SD was caring for DD (you mentioned that DS is a certified caregiver was SD?) and SD messed up royally and put DD in danger and should have been disciplined for that no doubt. Because of this your relationship with DH started to falter, which caused you to move out and you are not physically capable of caring for DD because of the physical demands? I don't necessarily see this as SD's fault. You chose to leave DD with SD knowing that the steps were not the best intentioned people. Was SD an angel up to that point so you had total trust in her to care for DD? You seem to be blaming SD for a landslide of events and you are probably holding resentment towards your whole family (steps and DH) because of the original incident that everyone should be taking responsibility for. Do you blame her because SD caused this problem and DH wouldn't do anything about it and that caused problems in your marriage which caused the separation, etc? You say that her neglect is a direct result that your DD is with your exH. I just sort of feel like everyone needs to take on some of that responsibility. Could you not have hired in home care for her after you separated? I don't know where you live but where I live if you are disabled over 18 you qualify for disability programs and she should get a subsidy to cover those costs and social security. If SD endangered your child and caused you to move out why did you not file charged for child endangerment?

Whatever the result though DH needs to be your teammate and on your side and discipline his hoodlums or not allow them in the home. Nobody should have to deal with stuff like that.