Accountability!
Hi,
I am new to this so bear with me, I am not sure if I am posting in the right area or not... I looked for similar topics to post under but didn't see anything similar.
Here it goes, I have been a stepmom Mom for almost 6 years now, I have my own biological children as well. I have a great relationship with my SS and treat him as my own. We have a very hot and cold relationship with his Mom over the years. We have 50/50 custody and that is wonderful, but here is my dilemma... My husband's ex is very entitled, she feels she doesn't have to be held to the same standard as my husband nor be as responsible financially for my stepson as my husband does "because he is the DAD".. She literally treats him like a deadbeat which has never been the case. Hes seriously the best Dad ever and always has been!
He is still are required to pay her child support, which blows my mind because she doesn't work full time,(that we know of) we also carry insurance for him and take him to any and all medical and dental appt. (which is fine with us otherwise he would never go) Mom is supposed to pay half of all medical and dental bills... She has so far, but it's never easy requesting it, always get some kind of backlash etc. She claims to only work part-time and have minimal income.. This is where it is very frustrating, she has 2 weeks a month without my ss and could pick up work there if she is having a "hard time" financially. There is so much more to this story, but I would be typing all day... Anyways, she says it's my husbands "obligation" to pay her support etc, we would never let him go without anything and his mom knows that so she uses it to her advantage.
I took him to the dentist 2 weeks ago and he has yet another cavity, he has a cavity just about every 6 months when I take him for his check-up and let me just say his dad and I still floss for him and help brush, the dental care at his moms is less than good, per my stepson. We have asked her numerous times to help him floss (all cavities are in between teeth)... My SS has asked her too and her response to him is "my house my rules you don't have to here). Maybe this gives you a better look into the type of difficulty we face. So my husband lets her know that we will be taking him for the filling in a couple weeks and he will send her a bill then (she has 30 days from then to pay her half) She is court ordered to pay keep in my mind. Her reply is "cant afford it, sorry" So I thought maybe she fell oh "hard times" although it was annoying because my husband cant tell her "sorry can't afford it" each month with the support... So I think to myself it is what it if she can't pay, but it was 3 days after that she purchased a brand new truck. Let me ask you this, why in the world if you are struggling financially would you go and get a new truck? ESPECIALLY if you already have a brand new car your 2nd ex husband (she was recently divorced from her second husband)just bought out right for you in your divorce, meaning she had a nice vehicle with NO CAR PAYMENT... This really frustrates me and shows me where priorities lay,it's the entitlement that just gets me. My ss also just told me a few days ago "I have no socks at my moms house" I said well tell her and ask if she can pick you up some, his reply was "she can't right now all her money has to go to our new truck"... This isn't the first time he has said "I don't have..., but she cant get..." Heaven forbid we try to address that with her, we would get nowhere, she gets really mean and lowdown. Co-parenting at this stage in the game is non-existent unfortunately and it sucks, everything turns into an issue and it's always "our fault" she never takes accountability for anything, it's so disheartening at this point.
This is not the first frustrating situation with entitlement we have endured to say the least. How can we hold her accountable? My husband just started a new job and cannot take time off for court etc although. We do need to revisit the support as his income changed and our insurance went up by $700/mo due to new job. She has a job, but has also worked under the table numerous times before and this new car purchase leads me to think she is doing that again. It's just a hunch, we wouldn't be able to prove it. So if we have her produce her pay stubs it's likely all it will show income for 15-25 hours per week at minimum wage. I feel so hopeless with this and the way the court system is set up, I feel she will just keep walking all over us forever.
I would love to hear from anyone in a similar situation... Like I said before this is not the first time we have dealt with this stuff, it's just the most recent thing I am frustrated about.
Welcome to the club!! Yes
Welcome to the club!! Yes your BM sounds like mine and many others on this forum. There is good advice to be had here, although we do have some trolling BMs who like to rag on SMs. The BM is probably milking a sugar daddy or is anticipating a HUGE tax refund.
1. hopefully you have a CO in place and are following it
2. sounds like your DH backs you up/he'll need to "parallel parent."
3. the legal system doesn't care about how much money the BM is rolling in. the system cares about the paYORs income and not the payEE when it comes to child support payments.
Thanks! We do have an order
Thanks! We do have an order in place, so that is good. You are so right about the system and its so frustrating!
It's interesting that after
It's interesting that after all this time and only having the child 50% of the time, she's still allowed to be underemployed.
Do you have a good lawyer you can consult with about how to change their support agreement so she carries her weight?
Alternatively, if she wants to go full on gender roles and claim that the child's father needs to support him financially because that's the "dad" role, why doesn't she take on the traditional "mom" role of being the caregiver and managing things like appointments, schedules, health and hygiene, etc?
She does work, but she says
She does work, but she says it'd not full time and minimum wage.. We actually even relocated 3 years ago to a new state so she could get married a second time (now divorced) and our lawyer thought she would win so we just moved too to be sure we play an active roll in his life... Anyways, when we moved she came a couple months before us and said she would set up Dr and all that and never did. So we did and have been handling it ever since, same with dental. If we try to pass that roll to her it wont get done and will cause more drama every time we ask if hes been to the dentist etc. She doesn't even know the name of his dr... Never has asked either.
Our Lawyer told us about a year ago that we were overpaying by about $50/mo, but wasnt worth the court cost, but that was based on what we "think" she makes... She could be and I think she is somehow pulling in more $ (prob under the table) and with the insurance increase with my husbands new job that should effect her support amount as well. We are just afraid to get in over our heads with it all.. I doubt we would have to pay more, but to be told it wont change would just be another slap in the face and only motivate her entitlement further.
Yes, that is where we are at
Yes, that is where we are at and what we are thinking... We were told by our lawyer that imputing income isn't a guarantee though. We are apprehensive in that we shell out a ton of money and end up in the same position... Per the child support calculator I ran, even with imputed full time (which CA counts full time at 32 hr) he would still be paying. Court is prob the best bet though...
I stopped reading at some
I stopped reading at some point because I felt like I was reading my own story.
My husband's ex wife doesn't work. She refuses to work and honestly, there are probably not very many well paying jobs she could get because she has 4 arrests for domestic assault, 2 arrests for possession of narcotics, and 2 DUI's.
She gets welfare in the form of housing, food stamps, medicaid, and wic. She's currently pregnant with her 4th child with the 4th father, and is living with a different man who provides the rest of her support.
She constantly texts my husband about what a horrible father he is....when in reality, he pays more child support than what is court ordered, picks her up every chance he gets, and does whatever he can to help when needed. But the moment he's 2 minutes late or can't drop everything and do whatever she says, she labels him a deadbeat.
The kids tell me things...I always take it with a grain of salt and remember that they are children. They could be lying, they could be exaggerating, they could just not be aware of certain things because they are children. I think they're probably telling the truth but you never know. They say when they are at home, they aren't allowed to play outside, and only the oldest is responsible for cleaning. Otherwise, they pretty much stay on their tablets, eat all meals in their bedrooms....
Needless to say, things are very different for them when they come here so all I can hope is that they see that there are different ways of doing things.