Am I on the right track here?
Been with my now DH for 5 years, married for 6 months and living together since Jan this year. Our relationship has been challenged many times with dealing with very troubled skids, and in particular, SS16 who lives FT 24/7 with us ( BM put a restraining order on her own son resulting her being Scott free of having to deal with any challenging parenting duties...... As well as her BF refused to have him in his house ( they live together).
I've also experienced challenges with SD21 as well and I believe she is treated by my DH like a mini wife, but he can't see it. Luckily she dosent live (anymore) with us but Did before which resulted in us breaking off our engagement ....so after reuniting 18 months later, we are slowly getting stronger and she lives independently. I am real though and know DH would always defend his skids over me ( which is my issue) but from these boards, I see I'm not alone.
We are attending regular counselling and our counsellor is trying to teach us to be on the same page with regard to decisions that are made re SS16 and for us to work as a team ( United front) so we are a stronger unit with regard to handling him. SS16 recently said to me " it's none of my business as I'm just the step mother" which sums up how ss16 sees me ( as not being on a United front with his father) and with no apology from SS16, I've distanced my self from any engagement at all. So much so that I'm actually not caring anymore if we are operating as a United front or not. Because clearly we aren't. DH still continues make descions without me, but tells me after the fact. I'm starting to not care anymore anyway. I dont care what SS16 does or dosent do. Not my monkey not my circus. However he is living in my home. And he needs to be reminded that it's a privilege he is here under my roof, not a right. DH isn't making him apologise to me so I'm just treating him like a non person who I'm not responsible for in any way what so ever. If he makes a mess, I leave it. If he put on his washing and then dosent hang it out and then uses the dryer in the morning because he couldn't be bothered hanging it out to dry ( saving electricity) it's not my problem. I barely acknowledge him now. Only of I have to. Am I doing this right?
Your counselor is correct,
Your counselor is correct, you HAVE to create a united front. You both have to agree on how to proceed with whatever situation it is and you both have to carry thru on what is agreed to. If hubby changes his mind and either dos not address the issues or addresses it in a different way that what you agreed to he is no respecting you and he is not respecting the advise of the counselor. My husband did this time and time again and then wondered why his kids did not respect me? Husband and BM didn't expect the boys to respect me. I was not supported and so that put me in a nobody status BUT I was the one with these boys full time. They lived with us so I was in the BM role as the SM. Nip this in the bud now!!!!
See this is my issue
See this is my issue personally as I've tried to approach this as a United front as per the counsellors recommendations... But ended up giving up as DH continues the way he is used to dealing with SS16. When Listening to him talk and reflect on how he and BM parented when they were married, I dare say they operated independently as well and often against each other ( using the kids as weapons against each other).
I've given up. I can't stand the emotional manipulations from SS16 and DHs lack of understanding of my feelings in the process. He thinks I shouldn't take what SS16 says personally or read into his comments but it reminds me too much of how my mother would say things and imply how bad I am as a daughter because someone else is doing things for her or paying her attention ( implying I wasnt).....it dripped with obvious innuendo and it really got to me.
Last night after we had settled in to watch TV, SS16 comes out and asks his father to drive him down to his friends place so he could stay the night and go to school with her tomorrow. DH says no he's not driving him any where to organise his own lift...10 mins later he comes out and says the mother of his friend is coming up to pick him up and will also be mending the rip in his pants so he can wear them tomorrow for school ( like he only has one pair???)..... To me the message is clear.. His friends mother treats him better then me and DH... And this is probably true as I've stopped doing things for him as he is an ungrateful shit! He expects people to drop everything and tend to his every whim and will sulk when we refused to. This other woman dosent work FT or work at all and spends her life running around after her kids and lives her life through them and let's them do what ever they want including partying, not attending school and drinking etc. Anyway I mentioned to my DH that I found SS16's comment offensive after he left, as it dripped with how another mother is looking after his needs more than we are ( we are therefore shit parents) but DH got upset with me being upset by the comment... He said I was looking too much into things and anyway who cares what SS16 thinks? I agree but I find dealing with all this toxicity has left me on emotional tenterhooks and I am sensitive as a result. I hate that I can't be upset and say things which affects me... Because my DH deals with things differently, he thinks I need to do the same!
I so want SS16 gone. I really hope he actually lives FT with this family but he won't as he knows he's got better facilities here in my house. There's so much I want to say to the counsellor next time we see him ( next Tuesday) but I'm honestly doubting we can fix things and create a untitled front and I'm honestly thinking do I really want it anyway because it's not worth it. I'm also feeling like a piece of my heart is gone now and my love for DH isn't as strong. I'm worried I'm slowly fading away from him and he dosent see it.
" To me the message is
" To me the message is clear.. His friends mother treats him better then me and DH... And this is probably true as I've stopped doing things for him as he is an ungrateful shit!"
"I mentioned to my DH that I found SS16's comment offensive after he left, as it dripped with how another mother is looking after his needs more than we are ( we are therefore shit parents) but DH got upset with me being upset by the comment."
"SS16 recently said to me " it's none of my business as I'm just the step mother" which sums up how ss16 sees me".
This teen has learned exactly how to shake you and keep you off balance. Perhaps part of why you react to his manipulating crap so personally is because of your mom. IDK. But for whatever reason SS has found your weakness and he's playing it. The little punk. Makes me want to b*tchslap him for you.
As hard as it might be, you need to work on disengaging from his attempts to reach your weakness so you do not take his smart*ss mouth personally. It's not you. It's not that his stupid pants weren't mended by you. Even his nasty hurl of "it's none of your business as you're just the step mother" is a jab at trying to keep you unbalanced. He doesn't want you ever to be a united front with Dad. Why? Because it would take away the kid's control of what's happening.
I just wanted to thank you
I just wanted to thank you both so much for helping me see some sense in the situation and I actually now get what DH is trying to do!
I was so hell bent on acting sensitively and giving away my power that I didn't see what SS16 was doing in terms of how he manipulates me to push my buttons as he knows I'm a caring and giving person. Blah! It's another smack in the head to remind me how manipulative and dark this boy can be and I dare say he has a borderline personality disorder too ( like his mother) and its just damn hard living together with someone who's so manipulative and sneaky. My DH has perfected being disengaged from his own son over the years and dosent buy into the manipulative crap he often pulls.... But to me it's hard as I didn't raise my kids like that and we are very close ( all adult independent women) so it's difficult for me to just " get it" ... Plus Ive got issues myself from being raised by a narc mother who emotionally manipulates people so I'm a sitting duck for SS16 and he must know it.
How do you just stop caring and stop him from shaking me off balanace ( love that term as it truly sums up what he does)???
A big step in the right
A big step in the right direction was recognizing what and how SS is doing this to you and the household. You 'see' it now even though you acknowledge it's going to be a challenge to overcome. Perhaps some individual counseling sessions to better understand how SS has been able to successfully manipulate you and shake your confidence in yourself. You're a very capable person as a parental figure as your own children prove your track record and abilities. But SS has managed to find and play your self doubts and make you question yourself. Similar to what your mother did.
Counseling could help you build the skills to appropriately deal with persons with their personality disorders and their mastered manipulation attempts. It's not you, it's SS. It wasn't you with your mother, it was her. They are masters at their unhealthy crafts. Your a kind, caring, loving sensitive person. You need to learn now to change how these type of toxic people affect you. You disengage and emotionally detach yourself from their crafty antics. You learn to take the power they hold over you away. One day at a time. Step by step.
Thanks again guys for your
Thanks again guys for your support and advice! I truly appreciate xx
Its just hard to ignore when they are living in your house and I feel my wishes arent respected and DH does nothing to uphold my wishes or support me. Its starting to really get to me now particularly when the counselor is trying to teach us to work as a united front and to agree on some expectations together. SS16 recently got suspended twice from school in 3 weeks so our only expectation that we could agree upon is that SS16 has to attend school. Every time I tried to venture into other areas like house chores, not having his boyfriend over to STAY ALL WEEKEND....until his grades improved etc....DH overdrives me or ignores my request or just goes and does it anyway.
One other rule I asked SS16 months ago was to not sleep on the couch anymore. The lounge room was seriously starting to smell of arse and he was virtually living in there with his smelly feet and sweaty body laying over the leather lounge for months on end. I asked DH to ask him not to sleep there....nothing happened so I asked him myself. Last night (as SS16 has 4 days off from school due a 2 x extra holidays and a weekend) I found him asleep on the couch again!! I made a comment and DH backed SS16 up. grrrrrr....it makes me to be the unreasonable one who is too strict as he was having the day off from school so its ok to stay up late all night watching TV (which he was doing before) only to fall asleep on there. So I asked DH to ask SS16 (when he wakes up) to clean out the fridge as he has 4 days off and we both work FT....and do you know what DH said??????????????? HE was going to do it and NOT ask SS16 to do it!! For fucks sake!!!! Could this man even wipe his son's arse too???
So Im furious. What ever I say or suggest it gets shot down and DH does what ever the hell he wants "parenting" ---- JOKE------ his son and I dont want to parent him per-sey, but to have a say in what happens to the furniture in my house or who comes over to my house. My "rules" arenr being respected by both of them, and if I challenge DH, he gets pissy at me making me sound like Im a "Kill joy". I honestly feel like he has Team Dad/Son in corner A and Im in Team B. It it proving to be so decisive now I literally cant stand it.
Our counselling session is on Tuesday after work. I cant wait. If things dont start improving, Im seriously looking to make plans (aka life plans) with out him. Im sick of the way he favors his son over me and disregards what Ive said. If that rule was made by DH, I would enforce it without question....so why disregard it because it comes from me?