Is this bad? Or should I not let it bother me?
Ok, so my fiance and I have been engaged for 6 months now and he still hasn't told his parents. Now I understand that he's anxious because it seems soon (we've been together more than 2 yrs, but they didn't know about our relationship until about a year ago), but still. That wouldn't bother me so much, but his mother will only talk to him about the situation and problems that we have with his ex-wife and 2 kids. I tell him that I should be involved in decisions too because all of this affects me, and if we are going to be married, we should be making decisions together as a team. He says he wants me involved and all, but he doesn't act like it... His mother asked recently if he would meet her to talk (and she offered to meet him near work instead of our house, which is closer for her) and so I had him ask if I could come too. She said she would rather speak to just him, and that "when you decide you are truly serious about her, then I will be fine with discussing these things with her too." That really frustrates me because he already HAS made that decision, she just doesn't know about it. I get upset with him because he's sending the message to everyone, including me, that he doesn't want me to be involved and that's not ok with me. Am I overreacting? Or should he grow a pair and tell his family if this is really what he wants?
You are not over reacting.
You are not over reacting. His mom is disrespecting you, but if he allows that, he is more at fault than her. He should grow a pair for sure. Most likely though, this is not the only area in his life that mom has too much say in, so he needs to grow up and be his own man, to be able to be there for you.
Thanks for the advice. I
Thanks for the advice. I don't think the problem is his mom though, he allows his ex to dictate his life too. I agree with you that he needs to be his own man and make decisions for himself, but he just gets defensive when I bring any of this up
You might not want to hear
You might not want to hear it, but if he gets defensive when you bring it up, that tells you all you need to know and then some. If you don't put a halt to such nonsense right now, it will get worse and worse. Many of us have already been there and done that. It's how we know exactly what's going on and are so easily able to predict the future.
"Pretend not to know and go along with the status quo." It must be the submissive adult son/ex-husband/guilty dad mantra.
Just because it is the typical mantra doesn't mean you have to go along with it. You are not wrong, mean or lacking in compassion because you choose not to go along with it, as much as he gets defensive and tries to guilt trip you into believing otherwise. If he really loves and wants to spend his life with you, he'll find a way to grow a set if you simply say "no" and stop enabling his refusal to do so.
I tell him that too, that
I tell him that too, that when he gets defensive, it only makes me think that he if fine with what's going on. And I tell him what I would like to happen, but he says I'm always making demands and it's never enough to make me happy. He gives up before we're halfway done, and would rather shove everything under the rug and pretend like it's not there than work out solutions. I do say 'no' and tell him what needs to happen, but that just upsets him and our relationship keeps getting worse. He says that if I really loved him, none of this would matter and I would be happy just to be with him. How do I get him to understand that I'm just trying to do what's best for us and get rid of all this crap so we can be happy together? He just doesn't seem to get that...
Wow hon, would love to send
Wow hon, would love to send you the magic "wake up bf" pill, but I'd still be living w/my ex-bf if I had one.
Bf is telling you he wants to exist in a realm where there are no defined boundaries or roles. You want clear boundaries and roles. He's doing everything possible to stomp on and make you wrong for wanting them.
If he doesn't want to work with you to make the relationship work, you two have no relationship. As simple or as difficult as that may be to grasp.
With a few different names/players, what you're going through is what I just left. I had to give up on my desire to control/change bf and work on myself. I had to get quiet and go within to find ME. I had to figure out what I could do to make ME happy that didn't depend upon bf or anyone else's cooperation. I started by studying the 12 Step program of Codependency and attending CoDependency Anonymous (CoDA) meetings. Maybe something like that would help you too.
For the record, I still have a relationship with Bozo (ex-bf), just not as close and without me being trampled, guilt tripped and gob-smacked every time I expressed discomfort w/existing in HIS chaos. I am now in charge of my life, he gets to be around me when he puts the dysfunctional family nonsense aside. My life and self-image are no longer shattered because of where I rank wrt his parents, ex-wife, son, or beer drinking. I can bring things up to him that would have caused him to be very ugly to me when we were living together. He listens quietly now. I don't know if what I say means anything to him, but it damned sure is nice to speak my mind or share my feelings without being bullied for doing so.
I have set my bottom line expectations of Bozo and it is my safety. Wouldn't even consider living with him again unless they're met. Once you define what you personally expect of and are willing to accept in your relationships, it no longer matters so much what anyone else does. When someone does things I can't accept, I have the choice of doing things that make me feel better, alone or with others that I feel good being around.
Yes he needs to grow some
Yes he needs to grow some balls and back you and your relationship up with standing up for you two as a couple...and he should tell his mother that you are engaged. All discussions should include you and should not be "behind your back" That sounds manipulative and it sounds like his mother is more on the ex wife side than yours. That's crap! You are number one and he needs to show you respect first and foremost. If he isn't doing that now it will only get worse and I would say to "get out while the gettin in good sista" Ex wives are a bitch and a pain in the ass...wouldn't advise going there especially if she still manipulates him...it will continue for a long time until he "GROWS SOME BALLS!"
Just on a side note, I really
Just on a side note, I really think your metaphor fits the situation perfectly. It made me laugh, but it's kind of sad because it's true.
Ohhhhhhhhhh hell no! I
Ohhhhhhhhhh hell no! I cannot even begin to imagine your frustration, yes, he needs to stand up for HIMSELF first, and then you will see the sh1t hit the fan with MIL and BM but it will clear the air and you can rightfully assert yourself in situations whereby you and he should be a team.
When I call him out on it,
When I call him out on it, his response is "I can't do anything to make you happy." I feel like he tries to make everyone else happy just to avoid conflict, but that just makes me miserable. And I know I ask for a lot out of him, but it's HIS past that is causing us all these problems. To make it worse, his birthday is in 3 days and we haven't stopped fighting about this crap for the past month because I won't just let it go like he does, so I feel like a piece of s***
Oh, Sweetie! you do NOT need
Oh, Sweetie! you do NOT need to feel like a POS! My DH stood up to his folks and his sisters and brother for me right after our wedding when they were still treating me like I wasn't part of the family. I felt amazing that he did it, but we both feel like crap that he's kind of lost his family. We're still working through it and we'll see where our relationship with his parents goes since it's their grandkids who live with us (so they kind of have to do something) but for now, I'm damn proud of my DH and if he'd let their treatment of me slide, I would be the fastest divorced after just married woman anyone's ever met! YOU should not be the one to be made to feel bad here.
Aw, thanks... I just don't
Aw, thanks... I just don't know how he would feel about that because he is already upset that his family doesn't talk to him as much because of his choice to be with me right now (just think how they would react if they knew he wanted me forever). They were a pretty close family, so that's not easy for him and I feel like even though he is ok with disappointing them right now, he still resents me deep down because I am the reason. I don't want to be the wife who gets shoved aside for his family, but I also don't want to be the wife he resents because he pushed his family aside for me. Like he always says "It's a lose-lose situation" so he doesn't want to make a decision.
You hit the nail on the head;
You hit the nail on the head; it is a lose/lose situation. My DH lost his family (potentially) and the horrible stuff that's come out of their mouths about me has me white hot with anger at times. I know my DH 'thought' they had a close family but now sees that it was a ruse and all they really care about is the grandkids- it kills him, but the fact that I adore him and my family has really embraced him has made it easier. He (and I) felt very deceived by them because while we were living together they treated me fake-nice while telling his siblings I was just some girl he met online who made him move his kids out of state to be with me thus "abandoning the family". We went to college together 12 years ago and were friends. We reconnected on Facebook after his divorce for God's sake. The best advice we've been given so far from my Dad is this: This is YOUR family. You two make the rules and if anyone else wants to participate in your family, they follow your rules, your mother and I included.
We both felt very empowered by that. Your guy needs to decide if he wants HIS family, or his childhood family to still control his life. I hope he mans up and chooses you.
Piss him off... Who the hell
Piss him off...
Who the hell does he think he is....engadged to you but not making an anouncement for 2 years??? Sounds to me he isnt committed...
Let me tell you something right now...my DH 20 years ago had a women who went around telling everyone that the two of them were engaged when we were clearly boyfriend and girlfriend....I got so shitty I got up and left and never returned to him for 17 years...
He told me how he had made a mistake to let her think that he was interested in her and this mistake led to a miserable marriage 2 even miserable kids and his mistake made me have a miserable life too...
It just sounds like he isnt into you enough....when a man loves you believe me he will shout it from the rooftops....show it in his eyes...tell everyone how much he loves you....tell everyone how proud he is of you and introduce you to anyone and everyone as his fiance....
Dont make a mistake and live the next 5 to 15 years miserable with a man who dont love you enough....go away and if it is meant to be...he will track you down and wont let you go....
ps...sounds like a over protective bossy mother in law too...you dont need that on....move on before you get crushed up
Good luck darl....
Our situation is kind of
Our situation is kind of complicated though... we started dating when he and his ex were separated (divorce was in the works) so he wasn't ready to tell his family yet because they still wanted him to mend things with his ex (again his fault for not letting them know that there was no chance they would get back together). On top of that, I'm about 15 years younger than him, so BM and MIL (who sides with BM often) both think that I'm too immature to know anything about these kinds of situations, so I should just butt out. His mother said last week that she didn't want me in the picture until everything else with his ex was sorted out. That really upset me and FDH said he will talk to her and explain to her that that's not ok, but how will I know what he really said if I'm not there for the conversation?
yeah I wouldnt wanna get
yeah I wouldnt wanna get mixed up in any of this crap....sounds like he is controlled and frightened by his mom....
I would be running away If I were you cos if you dont you will be wishing you had of...
as I said if there is tru love there...it will survivie....
I have had many boyfriends, and Im now on my third husband. I know tru love....you cant breath when it hits you....
you are always horny for them...always in love with them...just their voice knocks you over for a six, I look at my tru loves hair and I go crazy for it....like I love his ears his arms his chest his everything
I have had many boyfriends,
I have had many boyfriends, and Im now on my third husband. I know tru love....you cant breath when it hits you...you are always horny for them...always in love with them...just their voice knocks you over for a six, I look at my tru loves hair and I go crazy for it....like I love his ears his arms his chest his everything
This might not be "true love". It sounds like lust. True love can be passionate or quiet, just knowing you'll be there for each other no matter what. It survives the valleys when you don't "like" each other. It doesn't judge. People show love in all different ways. What you're describing doesn't last forever in most cases...true love does. IMHO
LIKE ALOT ^^^^
LIKE ALOT ^^^^
OMG I hope its tru
OMG I hope its tru love....cos I gave up everything for this man and have loved him for ova 24 years no matter wot...we have been brought together in so many extroidanary situations - one day I might tell you our story....its a tear jerker...but
what I was trying to explain to the stressed young girl - and possibly didnt do it very well - was there is definately a difference wen tru luv comes along...and it hits you like a brick when it hits...
yeah Im turned on always by my DH....and he to me....been like that for EVA...didnt have that with any of the previous men....
It's different for everybody.
It's different for everybody. I'm glad you have that, but not everybody does. It doesn't make their love any less...just different.
It may not be the case
It may not be the case that he does not love her enough. To me it's more about him finding his bearings as his own person. Until he does that he can't fully love/take care of himself nor anyone else. That's what I get from this, anyways.
OK first of all, he isn't
OK first of all, he isn't THAT into you because instead of sticking by your side he is hiding you away like a dirty little secret.
And sadly, his mother is right. In her eyes you are a yearlong GF. He hasn't committed to you in anyway shape or form that would let her know you are his fiancee. Now in YOUR world you are an equal partner because you have been involved for 2 years and engaged for 6 mths. In her eyes 1yr GF. Get it? Why should a GF be involved in discussions regarding 'family' when she isn't recognised publicly by her fiancee as 'family-in-waiting'.
I suspect he has allowed this situation to happen because she has taken care of his problems or had to prod him to get him to move on anything. And instead of saying "Actually YAM are engaged and will be getting married in 18 mths." Has he even attempted to set his mother straight? Not even once?
He is ashamed of his relationship with you... sorry, sad but true. If he wasn't he would be telling his mother the truth about you.
My DH and I got together albeit long distance just before he moved out of his prev marital home. We were friends but I spent to following yr living with him. In his exs eyes I was the reason his marriage failed. In his eyes it had been over for a year before when he had moved into the basement and she didn't make a single move to help sort their marriage out. I am sure she has told many people about me and how I ruined her marriage. But DH has never denied me or not been truthful about how important I am to him. Helss bells, he proposed to me in NZ and called his mother in Chicago to tell her.
Your fiancee needs to be the man you deserve and tell his mother (who doesn't sound like a stupid woman and is giving him every opportunity to own up about you and she is dropping hints like a mad woman!)and family the truth. You are engaged, you are part of his future and anything about your home and the people who are in it will be discussed with you.
He might be sort of ashamed
He might be sort of ashamed by our relationship, but only as far as his family is concerned. But his family sees me in a different light...
We met before he and his ex split (although their relationship was over in his eyes) and I was a nanny to his children. His parents and I met for the first time at one of the girls' birthday parties, and I was invited for the girls, not him. So of course, when they officially filed for divorce and he ended up with me 6 months later, BM went ranting on about how I was the one who ruined her marriage, and of course his mother took her side.
It's a messed up situation, but I know that he wants to be with me more than anything. All of his friends have met me and are very happy about our engagement, so I know that he wants to show me off and let the whole world know, but he feels like he can't because his family looks down on him for being with me. And that's only because BM spreads her rumors to everybody and paints the picture that he's a cheating bastard and I'm the harlot who stole her husband (when she gave him up). He and I both know that there was never anything going on between us before he was separated, but we can't make everyone else believe that.
So, I understand that he wants his family to accept me first and get to know me before throwing something like that on them. But like you said he should decide when enough time has passed and freaking tell them, besides they don't agree with his decision now so who cares what they think?
He does need to grow a set of
He does need to grow a set of balls, but only after he cuts the umbilical cord. It's possible his mother is still nursing him. I hope this is going to be a long engagement. I agree with oneoffour, his mother is only seeing what your fiance is presenting her. To her, you are not serious. That is his fault. He doesn't seem to be an independent, mature man. Maybe you need to give him a time frame. Tell them we're engaged by (insert date) or I'm out of here. Good luck..I hope you can work this out!
A "grown man" is afraid to
A "grown man" is afraid to tell his mom that he is engaged? Hmmm...that's a problem. My DH told THE WORLD we were getting married just weeks after we started dating. He didn't give a rats behind what ANYONE thought. His sister told both of us we were crazy, that it wouldn't last, that it was too soon...yes, that was the first time she met me...which was about a week after we seriously started dating. It's been 12 yrs.
Any man who hides such a thing has a huge problem as far as I am concerned, ie. he is more worried about what MOMMY will say or EX than you...and sorry to say, that's not a mature man or one that will ever put you first.
^^^^This is exactly what I
^^^^This is exactly what I was planning to say....^^^^
First of all - most MIL's are
First of all - most MIL's are NEVER pleased; I bend over backwards and am raising her precious grandchild SD14 - and I still after almost 12 years AVOID talking about SD or DH to her!
If they are leaving you out of choices and decisions with SK - Take it!! Believe me; the less you know the better - MY code is; fill me in - and don't make decisions our choices that involve ME! I don't care where SD is spening the night or what the hell she is smoking or drinking - I have gone that route! I am still trying to avoid it! It makes me sick to think about it.
As far as FH telling his mommy!! Tell him today is the day!!
You know what....I been
You know what....I been thinking and it all comes down to this....
This man you wanna marry is not completly ova his previous relationship...sure he dont love her anymore but, he still hasnt cleared up stuff...neither has the mom....It takes a long time and some exwives still like to keep the fights ova money CS Divorce Debt etc etc going for as long as they can.
That being said your man is propably having trouble with focussing with wats at hand....and that is you. Men tend to have trouble with doing two things at once...
So what do you do? which is what you asked....well I think this might work
Tell him you love him dearly and so wanna stay with him for eva but understand that he has some things that he needs to work out....re the ex etc...and so you are going to let him deal with this all alone hoping that he will think more clearly and quicker without you hanging around bugging him...- when he has it all sorted you would love it if he could come and find you again and hopefully you will still be single and then you both can start a nice new life together knowing full well that he has got through the past relationship and he is now fully committed to you...
.
LOL... yeah no worries...saw
LOL...
yeah no worries...saw that on a live cam once!!!
You all make so much sense,
You all make so much sense, but that just confirms what I already thought. This is all just a result of his passive personality and I don't think that will ever change. He would rather give in to what everyone else wants just to avoid an argument. But that's not how I operate.
I won't let anyone else tell me how I should live my life, even if they are really disappointed with my decisions.
We will see how it goes, but mind you I won't put up with this for much longer. His baggage and drama is hard enough to deal with, so if he's not willing to do it with me, I'm not going to stick around. That makes me sad because he is such a good person, and he deserves to be happy, but he's not going to get very far if he doesn't start making his own decisions.
Sweetie....I wanna hug
Sweetie....I wanna hug yah...
I know exactly how you feel....you can sense something is not right, but you dont want the loss, and his characture is so patient and so nice and he would be such a good man for you...
youve propably had controlling horrible men in the past and this can make current BH/fiance appear even better...
But, you have a life tooo....I think if you leave on somewhat good terms...youre got more of a chance of getting him back in the future if thats what you really want...
Write a sweet note to mom...just in case you do get back together in the future...sounds like youll need to be on her good side or youll be casterated....just say how youre exiting as she has so much to sort out and you dont want to bother them or impede on their desired outcome...
love is wanting to see the other happy and pleased more than you...so let him go back to mom and get himself healed from the last relationship and get over the dramas...you dont need them.
DH honestly does not see
DH honestly does not see stuff as a problem unless I point it out to him!
With a lot of men they are quite content to just let things ride as is, if they percieve you to be happy enough then they will not do a damned thing! With those sort of men you always, ALWAYS, have to speak up for what you really want.
It sounded like MIL was willing to accept you as part of the family once it became official, like engaged or married? I think, actually, there are some issues that someone who is not in the family, so to speak, should not be involved in.
I do not think your future MIL will be such a problem as BM will be. I think I might become closer to MIL, it's not like you had a bad relationship with her previously, right? It's unfortunate circumstances that you and fiance are together but I am pretty sure MIL has an idea of how things were going, give the lady some credit. I think DH does need to open up a new slot for BM, that being communication regarding the kids and pick up and drop off times etc. There are always going to be some residual issues with BM, I think that's a given, and the circumstances you met might always be resented but things do change and BM will move on in time. DH might just be considering her feelings just a smidgeon too much for the sake of the kids? Relationships do evolve, they take time to build too. From my own experience there's a lot of PAS and jealousy from BM and SKids and it's almost too much to bear at times. I think forcing the issue might not be a good idea right now. Nearly 8 years in BM is STILL pulling stuff out her ass! I was patient, I love DH and SKids, it's been hell on wheels at times but we are making it. I did not hear much mention of the kids from you, I am guessing that you have a good relationship with them? If that has not changed then count yourself VERY fortunate! From my observations it's the first thing to happen with resentful BM's. What I think is important is to recognize, and accept, things for what they really while knowing that things can evolve and change. If it don't fit don't force it!
I agree that FDH doesn't see
I agree that FDH doesn't see it as a problem, but when I do point things out he thinks I'm attacking him or blaming him for everything (which I admit it seems like).
As far as BM goes, I don't believe she is over their relationship so she still has a lot of jealousy towards me. She says that she is moving on, but I don't buy it. A month after FDH and I bought a house and moved in, she decided to move in with her boyfriend, coincidence? She tries her best to make our lives difficult.
Now for his kids, both used to love me to death, but now only the older one and I have a great relationship. The other one followed along with BM's opinions of me (she told us she doesn't like me anymore because mumma doesn't) and is set in her ways. She is determined to get me out of the picture, and right now, refuses to see her dad unless I'm not there. So MIL thinks FDH should kick me out if that's what it takes for him to still have a relationship with SD, but I say hell no, he shouldn't give in to her selfish behavior.
And I agree 100% with your last statement... we used to fit amazingly together, all 4 of us, but because of BM's manipulation, that was ruined and I don't know if we can fix it. By the way, is there a such thing as Step-PAS? Cause that's exactly what this is
I do not think this
I do not think this relationship is going to make you happy. It might be okay sometimes but it is sometimes better "for you" to move on as difficult as it might be. I dated someone who was younger than I was (5 years) I had two children, he had none. I don't think his mother would have ever really accepted the situation and I wanted the warm acceptance. I decided to move on. He was a kind man and we were very compatible but without the blessing of the mother I didn't want to "go there" Why make life more difficult than it has to be? If you are young and have nothing tying you down I would cut my ties now because the road ahead will be a rough one.
Ummm, run like heck? This is
Ummm, run like heck? This is a preview of what's to come until she dies. It's not fun and life should be fun.
I agree with the above...run
I agree with the above...run like hell!!!BM will be a bitch to deal with and your life could be so much better!!!!I don't care how great "he" is!!! I have been married almost 9 years and BM is a bitch to deal with and always has been. Manipulative and now she is teaching SD the same...RUN!!! life is too short to deal with all this crap! I am nearing the end of the situation since SD is 15 and will be done with high school in a couple of years. But if I knew then what I know now I would have run and that is why I say to you RUN! Plus he's old for you! Its okay now but he will look like a grandpa soon and you might not be attracted to him as much...but to find someone closer to your age...retire together...ect