I need help!!! please!
FDH and I have been fighting/are on the rocks so he's depressed, takes too many pills last night and calls his sister to talk to her last night who calls his mom who shows up here at 4 in the morning... I had no idea what was going on. He says he took the pills to get to sleep and I believe him because he has done that before, yes it's not good for him, but if he really wanted to kill himself he would have taken more.
He was sleeping until around 1 this afternoon when he started talking and telling his mom to stop overreacting, but she wouldn't she was freaking out and forced him to go to the emergency room, so we all went. We were sitting there all day, and he's fine, but she made sure to talk to every doctor and nurse and social worker and tell them that he's suicidal and he needs help. I was pissed because why are they talking to her, I live with him, I'm his fiance, but I didn't speak up and I'm kicking myself now for it. They decided to commit him to a psychiatric hospital, and they wouldn't tell me where he's going. They told his parents because they are family and apparently I am not, but his parents wouldn't tell me and he can't call me because he doesn't have his phone.
I know him better than they do as I have lived with him for the last two years, and they have barely talked to him in the last two month, but no! they know what's best for him and I'm just a piece of sh*t. I told his parents that this is not going to help him, that he definitely needs someone with him right now, so he's probably just more depressed, but they tell me that he needs serious help and I just don't understand! I think I understand him more than you do!! His mom was screaming at me and called me selfish and immature and told me I don't know what's good for him, so I screamed back and told them I can guarantee he won't be happier without me. So she called me a b*itch and got in my face and threatened to hit me. I told them to get out of my house, and they wouldn't because they said it's not my house because my name isn't on the mortgage, even though we picked it out together. The neighbors must have called the cops because they showed up here after his parents left and told me they's received a domestic disturbance call.
I'm sorry I'm rambling but I don't know what to do! I'm shaking and I know that he wants me to be with him right now more than anything and I'm can't be and it's killing me! I don't know what to do! God help me!!
I guess I should give some
I guess I should give some background information to clear it up a little... sorry I'm trying to calm down.
FDH has had a history of depression and anxiety for at least 10 years, and was pretty bad off when he was with his ex-wife. In the last couple years since he and I got together, he has been so much happier. He says that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him and his depression and anxiety have been almost non-existent. Of course, his parents don't know that because he doesn't talk to them so they think that he is just so upset that he and his ex split. Uh news flash! She was poison for him and he is much better off without her.
So I'm chopped liver to them and what we have is not at all important and his girls are more important, and they hate me and don't want me in the picture at all.
I'm so sorry you & your FDH
I'm so sorry you & your FDH are going through this! Sadly, unless your FDH is in a place to give his legal permission, the doctor/facility's hands are tied as far as talking to you goes because the two of you aren't married.
My thoughts are with you & your FDH right now...I'm sorry but I have no advice for you, but you are in my prayers.
Lord knows where your future IL's heads are at...this sounds like an insane situation to be in.
Do you have friends or family that you could lean on right now? This is not a good time for you to be on your own, if at all possible.
Good luck!
I too suffer from anxiety and
I too suffer from anxiety and depression, but have got gradually better over the last few years. In 1999 I was very ill and went into a psychiatric ward for a week - I was desperate and thought hospital is the place where they make you better.
After a few days in there, I realised this is not so, it is simply a safe haven for when you need to be taken care of for a while, they do not make you better. So after 7 days I got discharged and went home, then the long slog began towards getting well.
Your FDH needs to find what works for him, whether it is therapy, medication, a combination of both, or whatever.
It may take a long time for him to get better, but it is more likely within a good, supportive relationship which you are providing. I had to leave my first marriage before starting to get well. Don't worry about his parents. Everyone feels helpless when someone has a mental illness, and they are just wildly hitting out because they don't know what to do. Try to stay calm and just be there for your FDH, that is what will be most help to him.
Oh and stepaside, I know you
Oh and stepaside, I know you don't know me so you probably think I am the same as your relative's significant other, but I'm not. I know how low he can get and I know that he has had thoughts in the past, but guess who's always been able to pull him out of his depressive moods? ME. I have been there and I have seen him in good times and bad, and I know him well enough to be there for him and support him. And I am calm support (his mom is not), and he prefers my support to the support of his family. That's his decision to make, not theirs. If HE wants me by his side then I will be there and they have no right to "step in" and push me aside.
Oh and it is on. This is how much his mom cares: he called her today to tell her that he didn't want to see her and that she would not be allowed in the hospital, and she tells him that he needs to make a decision between me and them, while he's in a freaking psychiatric hospital!! I don't know about you, but that doesn't seem like the kind of decision you should put on a mentally ill person. In case you were wondering, he told her off and told her that I will always be important to him and a part of his life, and if she's not okay with that then she can piss off. I bet she feels just wonderful now. Look at how much she helped, not.
My frenzied thoughts probably
My frenzied thoughts probably came off differently than I had intended. Echo, I agree with you that I should not stand in the way of him getting help, that's not what I want to do... I want to be involved in the process, as I have been for the last two years. We have been seeing his psychologist periodically, and that is what both of us wanted to do yesterday, but his mother insisted that she was no good. He went to at least 7 other psychologist before finding this one, and he absolutely loves her. Talking with her really does help him, and he feels better after seeing her, and I think that it should be his decision who he talks to. Who is his mother to say that she's no good? If FDH says she helps him then that's it, she helps and she's beneficial for him.
Now, I know that the people at the psychiatric hospital have to do what they have to do, but the decision to place him there was NOT based on their evaluation of him. If someone (his mother) says that he is suicidal, even if he denies is, they are obligated to take all the necessary precautions, regardless of if it's true or not. I understand that that's just the way things are, but he should not be there, and he feels indignant because he knows that he doesn't need to be there. Still, I'm not going to get in the way of things, I actually encouraged him to do everything that they ask and cooperate with the staff, and he agrees. Yes I want him to get all of the help that he needs, but I know him better than any of those doctors and better than any of you, so you can say what you want, but you just don't know him. Bottom line. I'm not trying to be rude, but I know that he is NOT going to feel better as long as he's in there, and even if you all think that he is better off there, I can guarantee he's not. He was forced to go, and he's trapped there which just makes his anxiety worse. And he is more depressed being in there because he doesn't have anyone he knows there with him for support. He hates being alone more than anything, and that's exactly how he feels right now, everyone there is unfamiliar and in a time like this, what MY fiance needs most is to have someone who knows him and loves him, like me, there for support. Maybe it's different for others, but that's how it is for my guy. He has to talk to all of these doctors who have already put a label on him that he's suicidal because that's all they know about him, so they aren't actually listening to what he has to say. That's not their fault, they just met him, so they just don't know who he is. Read what Kes had to say because he has actually experienced it, and none of you can understand what it's like because you have never been there.
I'm not trying to prevent him from getting help, and I'm not getting in the way, but I don't agree with this. He needs to get help from the people he trusts (our therapist) and on his terms because that will be most help-ful for him. He was already willing to get help, so he does not need to be forced to get help. It just makes it worse for him.
Now as far as the whole legal thing goes, I understand that legally I don't matter, and that's just how things go. That's not what bothers me, what bothers me is that his parents have no respect for me and my place in their son's life. I am very important to him, and he wants me to be a big part of his life, and they should respect that or leave us alone. They haven't been to visit us once at our new house since we moved in in August (because they don't agree with his decision to be with me), so for them to come here and scream and yell and tell me that I shouldn't be involved and that I don't know anything is bullsh*t. I completely understand that she's just as upset as I am, and that this is very difficult for her, I'm not denying that, but that doesn't give her any right to be that rude. I've always been kind, and I deserve to be treated better And they honestly don't know what has been going on with him lately or how he's been feeling. His mom hasn't even talked to him in a month and a half, so for her to all of a sudden come in and just push me out of the way because "mother knows best" is a load of crap. She just doesn't know, and that's not her fault, it's partly his fault because he doesn't talk to he and tell her what's up and that he's happier than he's ever been with me. He did NOT take all those pills because he wanted to kill himself, he took 2 of his migraine pills, one xanax to help him relax, a sample depression medication that his doctor just gave him to try, and two ambien to help him sleep. Yeah he shouldn't have taken them all, but he didn't take them all at once, and if he'd really wanted to kill himself, he would have taken the whole bottle of ambien instead. His mother was overreacting, and I understand why Echo, he is her son and she's concerned, but her concern went a little too far and now he's worse off than he was yesterday morning. I know that she has every right to overreact and get him the help that she thinks he needs, but this is not the kind of thing that will help him. TRUST ME!
Unless you know for SURE, I
Unless you know for SURE, I would not fight your FDH from seeing a therapist. Better safe than sorry. It is not unusual for a spouse or significant other to not know everything that is going on in a loved ones mind. Many times a wife whose husband harmed himself later says "I had to idea, there were not signs."
Also, as mentioned earlier, you are not his legal spouse, so you really have no say, unless you have been named by him in legal papers that you have this power.
If he has been having to take sleeping pills often to get to sleep, this can be a sign he is depressed. Insomnia is often a sign of depression. I would encourage your FDH to see a counselor.
Thank you Freida. That's
Thank you Freida. That's exactly how I feel, I know his mother wants to help and is just concerned for her son's safety, but she isn't helping and he and I both know that. I wish she would listen to what HE wants and what he says he needs instead of demanding control over the situation and making things worse.