People never read or listen till the rose colored glasses comes off....

This is not us. We were going to be different. It was going to be different for us. None of what happens here was ever going to happen to us.
Then you wake up !!!!!!!,

I had already fallen off the side of step hell cliff when I found this site but I will say it saved my relationship. So on that note thank you to all of you peeps on StepTalk!

I think a big problem is that to some of us, it didn’t even occur to us that we would be treated like shiatsu just because of our title—SM. Speaking for myself, I just assumed that if you were nice to the SKs, they’d accept you. Now that seems incredibly naïve, but if you go by conventional wisdom, this is pretty much what gen. society says about SMs: Most are evil or bad because they are self-centered and don’t care about their husband’s children, yada, yada, yada. But, if you do care and you are just nice, you’all get along, because we all know that only SMs who deserve to be treated badly are treated badly. :sick: Gag!

Little did I know that when I married a man with children, I could literally be an angel sent from heaven to help them all (SKs, BM, DH), and I’d still be treated like a skank ho for “daring” to intrude on their family. Doesn’t matter that I had nothing to do with ma and pa’s divorce, doesn’t matter how nice I am, doesn’t matter how much money or things I throw at them, and so on. None of that matters, because you are going to be the one to blame for most if not all of the ills of the family. And, not only will the family do this, but society as a whole will back them up on this as well. If DH won’t let his 16-year-old attend an after-school event, for example, you better believe by the end of the day, the story going around by BM, school counselors, friends of son, neighbors, etc., will be that SM MADE dad do this.

The eye opener for me was when I attended my SD’s wedding with my DH of 14 years. I was expecting to go and see my lovely SD get married, be by my husband’s side as his wife, because I was his wife, and be in a couple of pictures with my husband, just like most couples are at weddings—in pictures together. Certainly, nothing out of the ordinary. Well, did I get my ass kicked. I was not allowed to be anywhere near my husband, not allowed to be in any pictures, and sat separately from my husband, and watched my husband walk his ex- down the aisle, and all without a heads up (for neither I nor DH). You SEE society thinks that BM still owns her ex- years down the road, to the point that she can do whatever she wants with YOUR husband, and still get backed up by ministers, wedding planners, you name it. She doesn’t even need her ex’s permission to X you out of the picture and play wife any time she wants.

Society has such a low opinion of SMs, that at a wedding, which is to celebrate marriage, you can be tossed to the side like a piece of trash and some other woman can be paraded around as being glued at the hip to your husband. And, no one even questions this. Bio-dad and BM are parents, but they are not a couple. People are not seated together at events by whom they USED to be married to. No one does this. They only exception is a SM at a wedding, which to me unequivocally = blatant prejudice. When BM and bio-dad divorced, they gave up the right to be treated as a couple. Couple = married people. An innocent woman who comes along years later and marries DH could never, ever imagine in a billion years that as far as society is concerned, BM (and SKs) has more rights to her husband than she does. And, I saw this all played out at SD’s wedding to the max.

Now, that is the reality! And, in reality, what my DH should have said to all of ‘em at that wedding was FO and where's my wife?. And, that is my philosophy now. My husband is my husband is my husband, and if you can’t handle it, FO. And, it works! Two years later I refused to go to SS’s wedding because I wasn’t that dumb as to even risk going thru the ass-whipping gauntlet twice. DH certainly had the option to go alone if he wanted to, and I actually wished he would have, but he chose not to. He didn’t want to risk another ass-whupping either, I guess.

To be honest, had I really truly known what I was getting into by marrying a man with an 8 yr old daughter, I can't say I would do it again. And that breaks my heart

I hear you tornintwo28. I remember my own mom saying once about her SM that her SM said if she had to do it all over again, she wouldn't. In my GSM's case, she had to take on six kids after their mom passed, and this was many, many years ago when SMs where to do their wifely and religious duties and just suck it up and take it. Surprisingly, not all that different from now, which is one of my big beefs--that in the year 2017 SMs are still thought of as little more than indentured servants, possibly only earning some freedom when the SKs are grown and out of the home for good.

BUT, if there is one thing I learned over the past couple of years, SMs have to stick up for themselves and not give a dang at all what other people think. Because, pretty much anyone other than a SM will think you are supposed to suck it up and take it. Just say NO, and mean no.

My grandmother was fond of the phrase "If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel." She was a wise, wise, wise woman.

I prefer to be one who can listen and learn from the advice and experiences of others rather than feeling the pain for myself.

I understand from your bio that you do not have any Skids or Sktb? Are you researching for a friend or loved one in this position/

It is a very thankless position, and many times indifference is welcomed as the alternative to all other behavior going on.