Buying easter eggs for SD19, just me overthinking
Hello there,
So it's just me again obsessing over a small thing and asking for advice.
If you've read my previous posts you know that I have a difficult, or should I say non existent relationship with SD19 who still pretends I don't exist.
I'm trying to keep my sanity. I'm still being courteous and trying to talk to her and genuinely hoping things are going to change but I feel like I'm done with giving her presents.
Easter is coming and I always buy give chocolate for SKs. Although none of them thanked me last year I was going to buy some for SS13 this year.
Would you think it's OK to buy for SS13 but not SD19 considering she might not visit us, or not right away ? Tbh I think it would be non sense at this point to still give her presents even if it's a small thing. I want to have my own boudaries becaus I think I deserve more but I'm worried SO is going to get mad at me for not buying anything for SD. He stills expect me to kill her with kindness but doesn't expect anything from her
What do you all think?
Too old
I think both are too old for Easter candy.
Really ?
Too old? Haha I still enjoy Easter eggs
SKs get presents from their dad. So the chocolate really is only a small thing for them.
Also it's my way of trying and doing something nice for them, especially for SS13.
It would be perfectly fine to just buy for SS13.
It would be perfectly fine to just buy for SS13. There is no reason to buy for someone who treats you so poorly.
What do I do if
If he blames me for not trying or tells me I'm "lowering my standards" or worst get angry ?
I feel like he is going to get mad at me. Pure speculation on my side though
Tell hi.m you've had enough
Tell hi.m you've had enough of being ignored/treated like a servant and henceforth you will only make an effort for people who treat you with respect. If he blows up at you, walk away while saying "looks like you won't be getting an easter egg either..."
You could give him advance
You could give him advance warning that this is your plan and if he wants to treat the kids evenly he could buy the 19 year old an egg himself.
He is going to buy
some chocolate for both of them as well.
The whole point is that she doesn't deserve something from me
Based on your previous posts,
Based on your previous posts, SD deserves an egg full of something that looks like chocolate but smells much worse.
Snarfling over here
Agree!
LOL
Too funny
Stop second guessing yourself
Stop second guessing yourself . Get out of your own way.
It is cheap candy. Buy it, don't buy it.
Do what you want to do.
You are absolutely right!
It is sad that such a little thing makes me feel like it could trigger a fight with SO and I am not allowed to have my own boudaries
It takes two to fight. Don't
It takes two to fight. Don't fight with him. Tell him. If he throws a tantrum and wants to fight, laugh in his face and walk away with a confident and haughty "I'm not fighting with you."
What’s the difference
SD 19 has no relationship with you now. How can it get worse?
SD 19 must understand you want nothing to do with her. Also giving other SK the understanding what disengagement looks like. They too can be on tge shi* list too.
SD wouldn't even care if I don't
I'm more worried about it affecting my relationship with SO
Don't worry so much. If you
Don't worry so much. If you have to tiptoe around your partner because he is that sensitive, find another partner.
Ask yourself if you're
Ask yourself if you're borrowing trouble. In othr words, are you jumping ahead of yourself and creating issues where there are none?
if you want to buy them candy, do it.
If you don't, don't.
But you are beating the snot out of yourself mentally over a problem that isn't.
you have three choices:
1. buy only one candy.
2. buy none candy.
3. buy them both candy but really do it just to stop your 'what ifs' from ruining any more of your time.
my solution?
Buy two bunnies/duckies/whatevers. Give one to SS, if you don't see SD he can't bitch about you not buying for her too and you get to eat the candy. Win, win and win.
If you want to buy for SS13,
If you want to buy for SS13, then do so. There is no reason to buy for an adult with whom you have no real relationship and who treats you poorly. If SO gets mad (as long as his anger isn't out of hand) then he can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in. You are not, in fact, "lowering your standards." You are raising the standard of respect you will accept from others.
Absolutely this.
You are raising the standard of respect you will accept from others.
Yes
Exactly this
Yes
Exactly this
You don't exist for SD. So
You don't exist for SD. So why would she expect an Egg? Why would she expect anything from you? This is what you tell them: " I am following SD's lead. She treats me like I don't exist so I will act accordingly ". It's really that simple. Our therapist told DH to "love the ones are are with" years ago when they were teenagers DH is PAS'd from the 4 skids. All adults now. You tried. It's ok to give it up and move on from her. DH failed in raising her. He should have given her expectations concerning you but he didn't. He put it all on you because " you're the adult she's just a kid". Birth parents who allow their kids to treat their partner like an afterthought get this result.
Disengage from her.
Yes, even though he admitted
Yes, even though he admitted she is the one who never tried he won't accept me letting it go.
The irony is that SD doesn't expect or want anything from me. She couldn't care less if I don't buy presents for her.
if he won't let it go then
if he won't let it go then that's a him problem not a you problem.
I would definitely NOT be
I would definitely NOT be buying candy for a young adult SK that pretends I don't exist and may or may not be visiting?
My thoughts too
Feels good to hear from other people as I often question myself
SD13 has plans to go on a
SD13 has plans to go on a vacation with BM a few days before Easter. I will NOT be setting up an Easter basket/candy for her. If she wants candy/a basket then DH can make her one or SD13 can go buy candy herself. She won't even be here to celebrate. I won't be making special arrangements to accomodate her vacation schedule.
Im in Camp Disengagement
Disengage from SD, shes treating you like a doormat. If SO tells you gaslighting things such as "you need to be the adult and try", tell him you are no longer doing the "pick me dance", and you feel like you are being "pressured", and want things to happen "organically".
Then buy for SS. SD wont notice anyway, and if So says something just tell him its too much "pressure"...
Too much pressure
And too much non sense and too much double standard
Husband does ALL
All present-giving and aid comes from him now.
No! Why would you do
No! Why would you do something nice for someone who treats you poorly?
Exactly
Just worried about SO
Tell him you are not getting
Tell him you are not getting any for her and why. I found that telling my DH what my plans were and why helped us communicate about things and let him know my boundaries of what I would/wouldn't accept.
Tell SO to buy the candy.
Tell SO to buy the candy. Years ago, I stopped buying gifts for the skids and later stopped signing birthday and holiday cards. DH takes care of all of that. I don't continue to give to ingrates who never say thank you, who never acknowledge me on holidays, and who, after nearly 20 years, have no idea when my birthday is. Life is good.
Oh I feel you!
Did you DH resent you or was he understanding ?
SO will buy some for both kids but I want to show love to SS13 though and buy something from me
DH was mortified early on by
DH was mortified early on by the skids' behavior, confronted them, so they stopped giving him gifts for a number of years. Games continue to be played well into adulthood. It's just stupid. Their behavior embarrasses him, so he completely gets why I no longer acknowledge birthdays, graduations, baby showers, Christmas, or any other holiday or event when it comes to his kids. I have better/kinder people to spend my time and money on.
Here's what I would do
I understand how you ferl about SD but that you"re also concerned with SOs opinion. However many people in your family, say 4, I'd buy 5 bunnies, a bag of jelly beans and 5 chocolate eggs. I'd put them on the table in a devkrative manner, like in a big basket with ribbons on it. That way you're not buying anything specifically for SD but your SO cant say you didn't respond. If SD takes one, ok, if not, ok and no special deliveries. Leftovers go to the freezer for snacks.
Might be a good idea
SO doesn't really eat chocolate but maybe I'll put a basket SKs can share.
I don't even mind buying things I'm more sick of the power game SD is playing.
Oh, I would most definitely
Oh, I would most definitely make up a small basket for sd19.
As long as you are making them for the others, make her one too. Skid13 can take to back for her if she decides not to show up.
I've always said even when dh's go to skids parties, picnics, holiday gatherings, and sm doesn't go...always send a tray of cookies or a small hostess gift AND a card 'love dad and sm".
The basket does not have to be over the top. Just a little basket with grass and some candy.
No one can take that gesture of kindness AND class away from you. Not even sd19
jmo
How old are your stepkids ?
Do they ignore your existence ?
Just no.
Why would the OP go to these extreme lengths of fawning?
I would purchase something
I would purchase something small for her but bring up in conversation afterwards to your SO "I feel really bad that she could not bother(or be bothered to say 'thank you' if she does show up) to spend time w/ us and since she's an adult now I think this will be the last year I give her an Easter gift."
Been there done that with my
Been there done that with my SD34. When SD was younger, from ages 15 to 22, she shunned me while living with us full time. Whenever I walked by, she'd snap her head away and act like I was disgusting. DH was a ball-less wonder and I didn't understand what to do.
Well, we went to couples counselling because I told DH that a man who requires me and our bio DD to be treated that way in our own home is a deal-breaker. DH wanted to go for therapy, so we did. It took only two sessions for the male therapist (male so that DH couldn't use that females sticking together thing against me) and he told DH that he's going to lose me. He also reamed DH out and told him to get in touch with his long lost balls.
In the second session. the three of us discussed how I would shun that PoS right back. I had been turning myself inside out trying to make three contacts a day with SD because I was afraid of DH divorcing me. Well, it never worked. Therapist said stop trying anything at all with SD because every time I make even the smallest gesture, it creates yet another opportunity for her to reject me. It also rewards her and reinforces for her that she has all the power because DH has given it to her. DH even agreed and relented and I'll never forget his exact words: "if she gives you snot, give her snot right back."
So, I shunned that cow right back. I had SS who was always accepting of me, so I continued to bake treats for him every week and treated him like I always did. I was quite blatant about it. I did not give a flying fuck about what SD thought. You teach people how to treat you.
I say that you can make a statement without speaking. Go ahead and do up a basket for your SS. Do fuck all for that demon spawn. If your SO says anything, lay into him about being a piss-poor spineless spouse who doesn't have your back. Turn the tables on him. He needs consequences even more than your SD does. He's not being a good SO. Set him straight.
An interesting side effect to my shunning SD right back and continuing my relationship with SS, DH developed a whole new respect for me. I think he got scared and realized that I had a limit as to how much degredation I would take in order to stay with him.
I like you
And your use of straight shooting language!
Find a nonprofit that
Find a nonprofit that provides a nice Easter experience for local needy families. If need be tell your SO and the snotty SK's that you donated in their honor. Lol
Hun
I wouldnt buy that bitch anything other than a one way ticket to far away skidland. Ive read your posts and you know SD does not accept you. I wouldnt waste my time or money on her.
It saddens me though that you are still so worried how your DH will react whether you do or dont. That is not a fair safe relationship.
Life could be so much more peaceful and happy if you were valued and respected. Especially by your DH.
Lol
"I wouldnt buy that bitch anything other than a one way ticket to far away skidland." I just about spit my tea.
Brilliant advice.
Brilliant advice.
A question. What is the line between considering them as a kid and the POS that they are?
I for one think that line is very thin and is reached far earlier than many if not most tend to call it, if they ever do. If they are old enough to know right from wrong and they choose wrong, POS they are.
Of course there is an age element to the designation.
I think it depends upon if
I think it depends upon if they are your bio or not. I will try harder and longer for my bios whom I love and understand than for a step-brat that I never bonded with. With a bio kid a parent likely understands their strengths, weaknesses, any traumas they have endured as well as their capacity for growth. It is the SK's bio parent's job to understand these things with a Skid, not mine as the SP. Everything I know of my adult SDiablas is that they are POS. I have no biological bond to them that makes me have to like them. If they want me to like them then they have to be polite and courteous, same as they would to a co-worker or a teacher.