childrens money between houses
I would really like to know how everyone handles money that step kids receive between mom and dads house. We deal with an extremely high conflict ex that literally brainwashes the kids to no end. This is an ongoing issue in our house. I have 3 step children sd18, ss14, sd9, 0 Bio. Obviously the oldest is 18 and can do what she wants, but the younger 2 we are having this issue with. My step son just recently had a bday and a confirmation. We had a party for him for my husbands side of the family and the Ex had a separate party for her side of the family. SS received about $350 in cash from my husbands family. The ex has now talked SS into basically taking all of his money that he received from my husbands family that he got for our house- and wants him to bring all the money to her house so that he can have an playstation 4 at her house. I am about to throw a fit over it. Because we took the time and money to have a nice get together for him in return he got a fairly large chunk of money- which we were hoping he would use that to buy something for him to do at our house either a playstation 4 or he originally had asked for money so that he could upgrade his dirtbike until his mother talked him into this. My husband just tries to go around the situation with SS because he doesn't like confrontation. My thoughts are we have a say in what that money goes to for him that he gets at our house until he turns 18. If he wants to buys a playstation for our hosue- great- I am fine with that. But of course if we say that he cant take the money to his moms we look like the bad guys and she just drills that into his head over and over and over every single day. what would you do?? looking for thoughts and suggestions.....
Generally, once a gift is
Generally, once a gift is given then the recipient should have the choice of what they do with that gift. Now there may be some obvious exceptions like a family heirloom should probably get passed to another family member vs sold.. but that's a different discussion.
Here, the issue is what the boy is able to do with money he recieved for a celebration. Now, if your home is the NCP home and the child is there less then I can understand how he might prefer to spend his money on the PS4 where he lives most of the time. The money was given to him for his benefit... not for the benefit of your household per se.
Now, if you are worried that any money sent to the other house will be hijacked by BM for her own purposes?.. that is a different story. My DH's EX would "borrow" her girl's money to pay for her expenses like gas or cell phone bills. So usually if they were gifted money that money was kept at our house.. or more typically DH's parent's house so that the girls would be able to spend it on themselves. It was basically kept to prevent BM from stealing it.
In your situation, I think I might give the 14 yo latitude to spend his money on what he wants...even if that means the game station will be at his mom's. Ultimately if the child is spending his gift money on something he wants then I don't have a problem with it being wherever he is most often.
Now, my thoughts on "stuff" gifted might be a bit different depending on what it is. Like cowboy boots we bought for the girls so they would have appropriate shoes to wear on our acreage... or portable dvd players to be used on road trips with us.. or the TV/VCR we bought for their room at our house. Alternatively, oher clothes and presents were allowed to go with them so they would enjoy them more often.
Be glad your child doesn’t
Be glad your child doesn’t have video games at your house. My step son does and we can’t get him off of it. He’s overweight and unmotivated because of it. No joke.
We never dictated where gift money was spent or kept.
I've been a SM 18 years--SSs were 3 and 5 when DH and I married, so we had well over a decade of birthdays where DH's family gave SSs money. Never once did we tell them the "cash" or any item purchased with it had to stay at our house. Many times, SSs would ask family on BOTH sides to contribute towards a big item they wanted to purchase, so where would that item go under your scenario? Unless it's discussed up front that the SK wants money to purchase X and it's made clear that X will be kept at the house where the money is received, I think money is a gift, to be used how the SK wants (absent spending it on drugs or illegal activity, etc., of course!) and strings should not be placed on which house it can be used.
Generally, I would agree this
Generally, I would agree this would be how it should be handled.. BUT.. if you have a bio parent (or other person) in the other home that can't be trusted to not weasel the money out of the kid then you really can't let kids handle their own money. Also, if the money is meant to "save up" for an item of large value.. I would have parent hold the money instead of letting the kid leave for the other house where it might not actually end up saved.
Nope, the only money transfer between houses should be CS.
IMHO of course.
And in our case CS was handled through the state CSE office until we invoked direct payroll withholding. Which made them all kinds of cranky.
At least that is how we did it.
When SS was traveling to SpermLand for visitation we would give him travel money. Invariably that money would get scalped by the SpermClan for everything from filling their gas tanks to paying for their family lunch outings. So... we quit giving the Skid travel money. Their job was to support him when the was with them just as it was out job to do so when he was with us.
Eventually we opened a joint account for my DW and the Skid and he got a debit card. We would transfer money into that account while he was traveling. When he landed in SpermLand he would text his mom and she would transfer the money out of that account. It took them a few experience points to learn to not try to scam money out of hte Skid. They filled up their tank and tried to get him to pay for it with his debit card and also tried to get him to pay for the entire clan to go to lunch or dinner on his debit card. The card had no money so they had to call extended SpermClan members to scrape together and bring them money on a few occassions. They finally learned that the Skid's money was for his use only and not theirs. We kept his money in our accounts until he was actually travelling. That kept their grubby fingers out of his/our money. They can't guilt him out of money he has no access to.
I believe that the money SS received from the event your side of the blended family held for him should be used for his life with you and his dad. BM can fill in the gap from the event money from her side if she wants him to have a PS-4 at her home.
Whatever skids were given at
Whatever skids were given at BM's house and by her family stayed there. All from this house and this family stayed here. Bm tried constantly to get his things that DH and his family had bought to be taken over there so that she didn't have to spend much on his birthday/christmas. She once gave him a set of ear plugs that cost about $12 and she wasnt lacking money.
In the beginning he used to take his DS over there. It was bought whilst BM and DH were still together so that was fine. Then it broke and ofc BM wasn't going to buy another. DH got him a new one for christmas but told him it had to stay here. The first time he turned up at BM's without it she nearly went bat sh*t crazy. She knew the old one was broken (happened on her watch). She used the DS as a baby sitter, he was using it almost constantly over there. She immediately burned up DH's phone with demands that he bring it over. He said ' no, that was our present to SS, you did not put anything towards it and I know that you won't replace it if it gets broken so it stays here. You are free to buy one for him yourself ofc and keep it over there' - the fire and brimstone could be smelled from miles away over that lol.
My SO and I have bought SD a
My SO and I have bought SD a large number of gifts over the years, which went to BM's house and were never to be seen or heard of again. Including a very expensive bike. If my family or SO's family were to give SD a large sum of money, you better believe it would be going into a savings account or being spent on an item that would be kept at our house. She has been very spoiled by BM and anytime she is given money at BM's house, she blows it on candy and stuffed animals. If there is something she wants (that she doesn't already have, which is impossible) at BM's house, that's what CS is for.