Christmas holidays and BM huge first conflict
Hi everyone. As some may know from my previous post, i have a SS9 EOW and a baby (1month) with DH.
I need to vent and come from advise because i’m wondering if i’m crazy with SS9 and BM !
We planned weeks ago to spend holidays at my grandmother house with my family. SS9 was supposed to spend a week and Christmas eve with all of us.
As my parents and grandmother are vulnerable to COVID (and are very cautious with barrier gesture) , we decided to test everyone including SS9 before going.
SS9 goes to school, to football, friend parties and play every wednesday with all his cousins from BM. That’s why testing him is mandatory before being in contact with my grandmother and parents at THEIR house.
BM and SS9 phoned yesterday. BM said that testing SS9 was not an option, she refused to force him as she thinks he is old enough to decide by himself what’s best for him. According to her, he can’t have COVID.
She told me to test my own son (1 month old) if i wanted and was really rude with me.
I told him that going to my family without being tested was not an option either. As this year is really particular, DH suggested that SS9 and him could exceptionally spend the holidays just the two of them at our place while the baby and i would be with my family.
SS9 refused and said “i will come only if caroline and the baby are here because i will miss her so bad”.
I explained to everyone (DH, BM and SS9) that i would not change any holiday plans for SS9 at last minute, and that if SS9 was old enough to make decision, he was also capable of understanding that i can’t change my entire plans just to please him.
The discussion ended with SS9 not coming at all for christmas. He will only spend 3/4 days with DH after Christmas, what was not planned.
BM told DH i wasn’t making any effort since the birth of my son and that i was depriving SS9 from his father. That it was complicated enough for her to justify to SS9 why he can’t play doll with the baby or touch him when he’s sick because he will be sick all the winter like every year. That now she also will have to explain to his son that i prefer go to my family instead of staying with him.
My mother in law agreed with her.
DH is supportive for now, but how long will he be ?
Am i crazy not taking him to my family without being tested? Am i crazy not to change my plan?
Thanks for all comments
Ah, another BM jealous that
Ah, another BM jealous that she's no longer the only "Mother Of His Children".
Why didn't your DH just take him to get tested, does he not have joint custody?
No, you're not crazy. Your DH needs to stand up to BM and not cave when she makes demands. Honestly, it's better for your grandparents that he won't go, test or not, since they aren't 100% anyway.
This was a test for your DH, and he failed it - you passed though, in my opinion. You didn't change your plans because DH is afraid of his ex.
The first reaction was for DH
The first reaction was for DH to say that he will take SS9 to the test whatever she wants. She said that stepfather will stop him from testing SS9 abd DH told that he will take his son by fair means or foul. They had a big fight and she hang out the phone.
I had a chat with DH and i was the one who suggest that this year is particular and that he could suggest other option. Plus, it's a medical act that requires both parents permission...
That's exactly what happens. She wasn't stopping to say "my son my son my son". First time in 3 years we have a fight, first time she is being rude and ridiculous whith me "go test the baby". My baby goes nowhere and nobody except DH and I touch him, why should i test him if the only persons who touch him are tested ? And i red on government site that kids under age of 6 shouldn't be tested without symptoms or without being directly in contact with COVID. My baby quarantine by the way. However they encourage older kids and teens to get tested for christmas family reunions.
i'm really hungry by the way she talked to me. I told her that my baby won't be touched by any children or sick adult whatever she likes the idea or not. And that i felt sorry for SS9 if his mother wasn't capable to explain to him that it's not reject but normality.
grrr
I'd stop talking to her and
I'd stop talking to her and let DH deal with her. You tell SS yourself why he can't touch the baby, he obviously cares about you and will listen.
Good for you for not letting BM change your plans for Christmas. That was her goal.
That's what i'll do, i'm
That's what i'll do, i'm really shocked about her sudden behavior. No way for me to change my plans, i really need to rest and need the help of my mother to take forces. I had really hard times since the birth of my baby (he went in intensive care during 4 days when i gave birth and then got the cold from SS9 at 3 weeks old)...
No question for me to sacrifice my health for SS9 wants. My baby need a healthy mother, not a sacrified one.
What a custer of harpies.
What a custer of harpies. Ignore them all. Bm doesn't get to decide who does what to your baby and nor does your MIL. Don't let them upset you, youi are doing the right thing and anyone with half a brain can understand why you are doing what you are doing. Do these people not believe in COVID?
BM and stepdad believe in
BM and stepdad believe in COVID but think that masks are sufficient to protect them in public. They don't do social distances, and continue to invite friends and entire family (included aged people) at home.
For their kids (SS9 and a 3yo boy), they are not afraid at all because they truely belive that SS9 is precaucious at school, sport and at friends houses.
They truely believe they are 100% protected...
Half brain as you said...
Uh.... even when a global
Uh.... even when a global pandemic is not going on, a baby should not be "played with like a doll", because baby isn't a doll for a spoiled ass little shit to play with, baby is a human. And a 9yr old shoul be fully capable of understanding that. Not your (or baby's) problem that his parents are stunting him by making him think the world should revolve around him.
By not changing any of my
By not changing any of my plans or baby rules, i think that he will undestand he is not the center of the world.
My baby is a human and if adults are not capable to explain SS9 why he can't play with, that's a pity but not my concerns.
However i'm sad for him because he is a gentle little boy, very loving. But if BM and DH doesn't teach him that he can't do and have, whatever he wants, he will become completly stupid.
I have noticed some changes in his behaviour since i'm pregnant. BM and DH over compensated with very expensive gifts (he had a 500$ phone for his birthday with no parental control, DH discovered it and installed it...) and only think about buying new things. When he comes home it's always "waou, i would be so happy if i had this, and this, and this..".
I had a serious talk with DH and told him that he won't be able to pay for every SS9 wants just because he had another baby. Thats sort of behaviour doesn't serve SS9, and won't help him to build an happy life.
DH undestood that i won't pay a penny for that type of behaviour and that i will only participate when i want to.
Good for you for standing
Good for you for standing your ground!. The gall of bM to 1-bring your baby into this 2-blame you for not making enough effort w ss 3-expect you to change your plans!
next time, let DH talk to her. Put her on ignore and keep doing what you are doing.
Thanks for answer ! 1- But
Thanks for answer !
1- But how could she bring my baby into this ? He is only 1 month old and has already paid enough (the SS9 cold he cought from him) for their stupidity and my lack of energy at the very first beginings.
2- I have made efforts during 3 years, and i'm really upset with her not allowing SS9 to pass the COVID test out of respect for my family. By the way, my parents and grand mother were really shocked. They planned to buy Christmas gifts for SS9, but because he won't be with them, and because he still believe in Santa, they decided to report the gifts to next year...
That kind of behavior doesn't encourage to make efforts. I have always tried to feed him with healthy food, that causes him lot of frustration (it's burger, junk food and hot dog parties every night at BMs home). Helped him with homework (that is not easy at all, he has lot of difficulies and BM isn't helping him by giving him all the answers to go faster). I think that from now, i will only play fun part with SS9 and let BM and DH deal with that kind of concerns.
3- no way i change my plans for dear BM !
and i won't change my plans for nothing, i won't be the BM poppy !
3-
I'm just feeling really
I'm just feeling really depressed and worry about future. My baby is only 1 month old and we already had a conflictual situation....
I do love DH really deeply and truely but i hope he will stand by me and will back me up.
I'm really disgusted by BM who was pretencious enought to ask me for testing my newborn.
I just realized that as long as she was the "only mother of THE child" she was nice, but now she becomes really really rudes !
You did right
Just a thought, if bm has never been high conflict before, might it be she doesn't want him tested because if he were to test positive they'd have to change plans and isolate as well? Just came to mind as bm was super inconvenienced n un happy that my bd nevermind her son had to be tested, I guess because it would affect their household too
That's an option. However she
That's an option. However she insisted on the fact that SS9 had already make the test in september (covid contact) and said he was traumatised because they went too far in the nose...
SS9 always told us it was too easy and he that didn't hurt until last call...
That would be soo inresponsible !
Another crazy trying to exert
Another crazy trying to exert control over the lives of others around her. She thought, for sure, that you would bend and do what she said for the sake of SS. If not, even better, it will cause issues with your spouse. Glad that you are not giving into the control tactics and whims of entitled azzhats.
Hi everyone! There is some
Hi everyone! There is some news
I'm starting to think that BM plans was really to force us to take SS9 at HER conditions (without test).
She phone DH this morning to ask help with all the road and kilometres imposed by the new SS9 perfect planning.
As I told you, BM told SS9 to decide whatever he wants for holidays plans. He choosed to go twice to MIL and once to DH. DH is only available the last weekend of holidays, so she must drive 140kmx8 (MIL doesn't want to drive) ant then 100x4 (drive half way for last weekend with dad). Which represents more than 1500km in 10 days.
She asked DH to split kilometres so SS9 could go to MIL twice. DH refused to help her and answered he didn't plan to see MIL for holidays and that she have to undertake all the logistics about MIL visitation.
He told her that he will only drive to take is son the last weekend, as he initially planned to do the road once.
She was furious and told him he wasn't making any efforts for SS9 since the birth of our child.
I'm starting to wonder if she is not quite jealous not being the only "mom of an child" anymore because she told us "you suddenly discovered how to be a dad ?".
Issues, issues, issues... I'm afraid that our new family dynamics with the baby doesn't make them happy at all and that our blended family is threatened...
I think I like your DH. Make
I think I like your DH. Make sure he knows you appreciate him standing his ground.
Good for your DH. I hope he
Good for your DH. I hope he keeps it up. Stepfamilies are unnatural and difficult. In what other family format do you have another woman trying to influence your family and your family's decisions? You need to stop talking to her at all and continue to stand your ground for your own family and child. Protect your child and make him your priority. It may turn out that BM will try to turn SS against you and use him to guilt your DH. Your DH needs to continue to be strong. You guys are doing the right thing not bending to BM! Good luck.
Definitely ! Stepfamilies
Definitely !
Stepfamilies aren't natural at all. And in this type of configuration, people always think that stepmothers try to reject Skids. In most of situation, that's not the case at all. Plus, society asks to Stepmother to love Skids like their owns but doesn't care if Skids hate them in return.
Thats not the case for me (for now), but i will have to keep in mind to always put me and my baby fist (as BM does for her and her child).
Oh yes, we have a one-month
Oh yes, we have a one-month old and BM has tried to claim how difficult my high school age SSs are finding things and how they feel as if they are being replaced. DH ignores her and talks directly to SSs. He told them that if they wanted to see their sister they needed covid tests and they demanded BM take them for tests. It's kind of foolish (as I pointed out to DH), because they would need to be tested every 2 weeks and they aren't...but they will wear masks around her.
Also, what is it with CoDs being allowed to make choices over things that aren't actually kid choices? Kids should not be able to make decisions designed to protect their health. Also, kids shouldn't be allowed to decide about visitation or holiday schedules. They can express preferences, but they are not in charge, so they should be the ones making the decision.
100% withcyou. Kids should
100% withcyou. Kids should not decide for holidays plans. I told DH "what if we had planned at trip and paid flight, hotels and everything ? "
Plus, how are you dealing with virus and germs when SKIDS are at home ?
You did the right thing! I
You did the right thing! I don't get why with everything going on this is an issue for any of them. It's so awful that we are expected to change plans at the drop of a hat all the time. Glad you stuck to your plans.
BM is jealous. Don't discuss
BM is jealous. Don't discuss anything with her
I would stop communication
I would stop communication with BM. If you have had no issue prior to this and she is now pointing out the baby. I feel there is a large jelousy issue going on. SS isn't the only knight in shining armor anymore. When my boyfriends mom found out I was pregnant she cried for days and wanted to know how it was going to work and she didn't want her daughter to feel like a stranger in her dads house.
Nip it in the butt right now and stand your ground and do it firmly. Do not make adjustments outside of your plans unless within reason for good reason.
For whatever reason and thousands of dollars later in court and attorney fees my 2 childrens and boyfriends daughters grandmother thinks BM walks on water and I'm chopped liver. Don't play into the games and hold your own. And by the way when baby #2 come along he was the "stupidest son of a bitch she ever met"
Idiots who think that
Idiots who allow 9yos to make adult decisions have no business breeding.
smh
Thanks all for your reply,
Thanks all for your reply,
Just to let you know that plans finally changed once again. SS9 stayed at MIL house on 24, and goes to BM only on 25. Sounds like BM didn't want to drive all this road and was just super generous with others efforts ! Since DH refused to play driver, she managed to let SS9 to MIL and didn't execute SS9 wants.
DH will only take him on the last weekend (1st january) as he said.
However, SS9 has been covered with gifts for christmas as MIL, and there is nothing for my baby. DH family doesn't treat the two boy equally. I guess it's a "poor divorced child" thought
It may be too soon to know
It may be too soon to know whether DH's family will treat your baby worse than SS. My DD was less than a month old last Christmas and MY family got more gifts for my SDs than they did for my baby. Baby needed little and didn't understand gifts, so that made sense.
I hope that's all it is for your DH's family, and that they'll treat their grandchildren fairly, as kids will eventually notice unfair treatment.
I wish it was that... however
I wish it was that... however, his cousin (sister in law sons, ie MIL grandsons) who is 3 months old had plenty of gifts too.
Sonds like only my son has been forgotten