You are here

Unfair MIL ignoring disrespectfully my baby compared to SS

Caroline2b1211's picture

I everyone.

I’m back here with my MIL who is completely ignoring my 4 months baby. 

First she offered a ridiculous gift to my son while she bought the entire room for SS9 and for the 6 months cousin (son of my DH daughter). 

Then, she waited 3 weeks before meeting him (1h drive) while she came visit SS and the cousin the day of their birth (same road). 

Since this meeting, she only came twice and stay few little (15/20 minutes) with absolutely no interest or affection for my baby. She only refers to him as « the little baby » and refuses to see any physical similarity with my DH while they are doppelgänger. She is the only one person on earth who doesn’t see it. 

 

Inversely, since the birth of my child she drives to pick-up SS9 and takes him on all the week-ends he is supposed to be at BM (royal for BM who doesn’t have his son every week-ends). 

She offered him various gifts (never for my son) and give him money. She also care of the cousin and plan various family meeting (all of them without inviting us). 

 

I’m very sad of this unfair treatment but the hardest for me is to listen to SS9 talking about her all the time. « Look at what she brought to me ! » « next WE i’m going to her and we will have a family diner with my little cousin» « She gave me 50€ but she told me i will spend them to my mother while you will pay for what i want». I know he is an innocent child but i can’t stand listening about her. 

The only child she doesn’t like is my baby, and i’m really sad he will grow into a family where his brother will say all the time how his grand mother is a wonderful person while she his horrible to my baby. 

 

I already told her what i thought but she doesn’t care, and i have to accept that she has priorities and my son is not part of. According to her, she loves him, she would love spend more time with him, but she doesn’t have time because she already has SS9 and the 6 months cousin.

 

What should i do?

 

 

 

justmakingthebest's picture

Screw your MIL. If she doesn't want to treat your child as an equal to her other grandkids- so be it. She is the one losing out. 

Don't invite her, don't make an effort. Don't include her, don't care. 

I am bitter and spiteful as hell. I can cut a person off with little reason and this behavior would make it really freaking easy. 

Caroline2b1211's picture

Thanks for support.. 

But how could i cutt her off when SS9 always speek of his wonderful grandma? 
Barely impossible

justmakingthebest's picture

Easy!

SS; "Oh grandma is just so awesome-

You (Cutting him off) "So anyway, I was thinking I am going to make grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner tonight"

SS "But Grand-

You: Yeah, I like when the weather is warmer than it is today. (Then exit the room)

It doesn't matter what the words are that you are saying, you are ending talk of grandma. 

Caroline2b1211's picture

Yes... i understand ! Changing subject everytime He talks about her. And i will wait until my son understand talking to figure out how to deal with it.

I will take it day by day

Stepdrama2020's picture

Give what you get hun. I just read that quote in a healing article in the Dr office. 

MIL is acting horribly and placing the importance of the family prior to yours. So return in kind.

I will never understand these craptastic bitter bitches. If it isnt a BM or a SD the MIL has to act the same. SMH

I hope your DH sees this and is also hurt. You should be on the same page.

Caroline2b1211's picture

DH is really sad of the situation and on the same line. He fully sees that MIL does'nt act the same with our baby and SS9 when he was a baby, or even the 6 months old cousin. 
I have made many effort to create a bond. Invites her as soon as we left maternity hospital... say to her she was welcome everytime she wants... 

She waited 3 weeks to come, and came with her daughter and the cousin. When she saw my son she said to my mother "how did you react the first time you see him? Because me, the first time i saw mine (she was reffering to the cousin) i was full of joy".

My father and DH offered to drink champaign to honor the baby birth, but she said "oh no, we are late, the cousin must go to his nap"... and they left the house.

She didn't take any picture of him, while her wall is full of SS9 and cousin.

If i didn't have SS9, i won't be so concerned. But we are talking about two extreme with siblings ! And i don't want my baby feeling bad or rejected

Winterglow's picture

As someone who lives in France, I am truly shocked that she'd refuse a glass of champagne to the health and future of a baby! Who the heck DOES that?! Saying she said that she didn't have the time was the ultimate insult! I think it's time you cut her out of your "family". I also think it's time your dh put a stop to ss visiting mil, seeing the damage she is doing to your family with her favouritism. Hit her where it hurts. 

 

Caroline2b1211's picture

We live in france too! 
And yes, my parents were really shocked! Me too... and DH was really fustrated! 
DH tries to cut SS visits to MIL. However, SS is really smart and ask his mother to take him to her place... 

I'm sure she knows that through SS9, she has power to "explode" our family (divide the two kids). I'm well aware that, when my son will be older, it will be a really BIG problem

Winterglow's picture

I think that you have the advantage of your husband being totally lucid about the witch that is his mother. Distance the woman. If bm wants to waste her custody time on her ex-mil, well that's her problem. 

At least you know what needs to be done and your dh is on board. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

MIL is just horridly craptastic.

I would never have that bitch in my home or around my baby.

Give what you get. What the hell is up her butt? Did she treat you this poorly when you got married? Or having a baby turned her into the MIL from hell.

Get her a fricking broom for christmas. What a flipping witch.

Caroline2b1211's picture

She always was present when it came to SS9. Birthday, party etc... but we were never close. 
I'm starting to wonder if she is not jealous about her daughter who hasn't the same level of education (not graduate at all, with no qualification) and, level of life. And now that we are both mother (me and SIL) she might bring her hate onto my son. 

Rags's picture

Put your foot up your DH's butt and tell him to get his mother in line.

smh

We are fortunate.  We never had this problem with either my parents or my ILs when it came to my SS.  He is the eldest GK on both sides of our marriage.  Though my niece is the annointed one for my mom.  She is the only girl out of my parent's children and GKs.  But mom does not play favorites other than to come running when my niece drops even a hint that she might show up and chasing her when she doesn't show up.

Caroline2b1211's picture

He already told him hundred times, long talk... leading to nowhere. She always says "i do what i can, not what i want". 
 

Yes, you are lucky ! I wish it could be the same for me..

PetSpoiler's picture

Then you keep your baby away from her.  He will see the favoritism when he is older.  I had the opposite problem.  When my daughter was born, my MIL, who lived 40 feet away from us, was all over her.  She tried to take over.  What's worse is I had to work and she was my childcare.  My husband trained for a better job and I quit.  I never let her babysit again.  She still showed up a lot and tried to take over.  I hurt her feelings, she cried to dh, he confronted me, I lost it on him, he set boundaries with her.  Some of his family members got involved later but that's a story for another time.  Either extreme is bad.  If she doesn't want to have a relationship with your child she doesn't have to, but your child shouldn't have to be subjected to seeing the favoritism either.  Keep away from her and the rest of them can stay away too if that's how they want to be.  Who needs them?

Caroline2b1211's picture

Yes, extreme are bad situations either. 
I can easily imagine that was really hard for you to deal with such MIL... 

Who need them? No one. However my son will see favouritism when he will be old enough to listen SS9 talking about how grandma is great with him..  

Caroline2b1211's picture

OMG

How do you react ? How do you deal with that ?

Harry's picture

Keep MIL out of your head.  Don't invite her to your home. Don't do anything for her.  She showed you her true colors so don't be stupid.  She doesn't care about you and your family including DH.   Just keep it that way 

Caroline2b1211's picture

You're right to that point : she doesn't care about DH either. 
Yes... i guess it's the only solution, jump her out of the picture

CLove's picture

I know - easy for me to say, right? BLOCK HER and anyone that does this kind of Toxic Crap. Because thats what it is, Toxic Crap.

I have no bios. But logic tells me that MIL might have a bias you dont know about. Cultural. Emotional. She might have this fantastic relationship with BM. I dont know her bacground, but her behavior in all cultures is toxic.

When SS9 starts talking all about how awesome Gma is, walk away, or change the subject. Its a great technique. I see my SD14 do it all the time. Anything works. Eventually kids grow up. SS9 is still in his "cute phase". He will see how favored he is, and it might turn him into an entitled a$$. Thats what happened to SD21. She has been favored over SD14. Its very sad to watch.

So you must cut her out of your life. Focus on YOUR family.

Caroline2b1211's picture

Clove, i agree with you. Cute SS9 is changing since my son's birth. And i'm absolutely convinced MIL behaviour is not innocent. 
For my baby birth, SS9 was celebrated with a brand new iphone12 (800€) with unlimited internet and calls. He also had a brand new quad (5000€) which is completely ridiculous regarding to his family wages. 
And now, he only talks about grandma buying that, and grandma offering this, and his shool results are collapsing.. 

 

notarelative's picture

plan various family meeting (all of them without inviting us)

Regard this as a blessing. You don't have to go to MIL's and she can't complain you didn't go. 

As to SS. Neither DH or you can control what happens when he is with BM. You can only control your home. Do not transport the quad to your home. He can ride it on BM's time. Phone gets put up when not in use. (Not in use is 99% of the day.) 
Dad's weekend with SS is for Dad, not MIL.

MIL is going to be a nonentity in your child's life. Her loss.

AgedOut's picture

She is not goingto change so you have to.

Change your attitude towards her. Change your need for her approval. Change how you let her hurt you. Stop asking/inviting/trying. Cut her loose. If hse asks why she's not invited, tell her she never showed interest so you thought you'd do her a solid and save her coming. 

Change your focus, take it away from her, she hasn't earned it. Let her over spoil SS and if he mentions her, change the subject.

"Grandma too kme all weekend and she ..."

"that's nice. look a squirrel(or any other topic)"

keep doing it until it becomes natural. Change you, you're better than how she treats you. Your son is too so change your attitude, change your thoughts, change your mind. Change you and let her wallow in who she is. 

 

weightedworld's picture

Same issue here - bfs mom through his brother and wife a baby shower. I was unable to attend for a wedding offered her our daughter she refused until a couple hours before hand in which we were knee deep in our 7 hr trip and had found other arrangements for the kids. She contacted my mom who had the kids and asked where she wanted to meet so she could get our daughter. I demanded my mom stay out of it and not respond. Come to find out she then sat in front of all the woman in attendance telling them how jealous of this child I was.. you know the kid that was there while mine was not. She also texted her son telling him she knows his ill feelings about the subject were all coming from me and my jealousy. I did tell her to shove her granddaughter up her ass. I didn't feel bad one bit and especially don't after learning that I was topic of conversation. Bitches! 

I rest peacefully knowing that my kiddos will not grow up around that negative and plain sickening environment because I will NOT allow it. 

Put the road block up on your life and especially the SS. If she wants to see him it can be done on BMs time. Limit the contact and make her be the one to reach out and only at your convienence. If she calls and wants to do dinner but you have plans.. stick with your plans and she can try again some other time. 

Caroline2b1211's picture

Hi everyone, 

Many thanks for the time you take to reply. All your words helped me a lot to feel less hurted by the situation. 
As a new mom, i'm sad to see that my little boy won't have the family i have dreamed for him. 
But, as you all said, i can't change MIL. What i can change, is my feelings about that. 
Your messages helped me to realize my baby doesn't need that heartless and fustrated woman in his life.

I'm going to cut off all the contact between her and us (me and baby). No invitation at his birthdays, celebrations... No visit to my home neither. 
I have tried hard and have been hurted and realised that she doesn't want to be part of our life. 
No invitation = no expectation. She won't have the power to disappoint us anymore. 

Thankfully, DH supports me and agree with the idea.

weightedworld's picture

Be happy that you have you SOs respect and consent on this because that doesn't happen very often. 

Mine always got the shit end of the stick growing up and has some mommy issues himself so any attention he may get good or bad he eats it up. I hate that woman! 

Caroline2b1211's picture

Thanks a lot for support.

I realize i have the chance to be supported by DH. MIL seems to don't like me, by not liking my baby in return... 

Thats the main point. One day, at the first beginig, she said to me "i will always have one and only daugther in law ie. BM". At this time, i was not fragilised by hormones and replied "that's perfect, it means i won't have any MIL to deal with". 
But that the point i must focus on.

The birth reveals all her jealousy and true colors

Caroline2b1211's picture

Hi everyone, 

I need to vent, today... because i'm heart broken by the disrespectful attitude of MIL. 
Today, she went to our house to bring SS9 for holidays. She said to DH that she will enjoy time with my baby as well. 
We had a doctor appointment for my baby, DH suggested her to come before this appointment. 
She managed to be late, and i had to go alone to the doctor with my baby. When the appointment ended, i phoned DH who said to hurry because MIL wanted to see our baby. She was at our home with DH and SS. 
I hurried up to arrive, and.... and when i was in my street, i saw her in her car. She obviously left without waiting for us. 
But the more dramatic attitude was that she just drived in front of me and my baby, not letting us walk through the street. She didn't even stop to say hello to the baby. Only a hand sign through the window, while she was driving. 
I stayed completely shocked by her action. It was really easy for her to stop by, but she didn't! 
My DH saw all the scene from our balcony. And MIL phoned him to say "oh, i just saw your partner and the baby, but i didn't stop because your partner made a very bad face". 
DH took my side, as he has seen everything. 
Just to say, she didn't see the baby for months, and we were just about 1 meter from her, but she didn't care..

And she tried to make drama with DH. 
oh and SS9 came completely spoiled by MIL gifts, and as usual, nothing for our baby.

What a horrible person

CLove's picture

Wow, you have given this horrible person chances upon chances and she deliberately sets you up to fail every.single.time.

You made a comment further down, that she only considers that she has ONE daughter-in-law and that is not YOU. At the time you were "back atcha", and now that you have a baby and have expected her to change. 

A few questions for perspective:

1. Are you married? Because you say "DH" and MIL says "partner" (about you). Many people are progressive and do not look any way on whether a child is born in a marriage or outside a marriage. I dont know if this is her problem with you

2. So, you mentioned she had a problem with you, did not consider you family and BM was her only DIL. Whats her problem with you?

3. Id like to ask (delicately as possible) what cause your DH and BM to break up? Is there any way that could have possibly been YOU? And that she blames you for the broken home that SS9 must endure? That would explain things.

Otherwise I am a complete loss as to that level of favoritism and absolute BAD treatment of you by this person. The only thing I can think of is that she doesnt like you because shes jealous somehow and is using your baby to punish you.

This must be your last attempt sadly. She set you up to fail so she can say "see, I TRIED". So she doesnt look like the absolute horrible person that she obviously is. She wants to keep your husband on her leash, and in her orbit, and knows if she doesnt make any attempts then he will cut her off.

This is horrible and Im sorry.

((hugs from California))

Caroline2b1211's picture

Thanks CLove for your long, nice and supportive message. Here are the answer to your question. 
 

1. we are not married, but i wrote "DH" to facilitate the wrinting. DH never married anyone, nor BM. And MIL is divorced and live with a partner. SIL is not married yet and she doesn't have any problem with that. 

2. I definitively don't know what her problem with me because we never fight. Maybe jealousy?

3. BM left SO one the first year of SS. She was cheating on him. I met SO many years after they broke up. I'm not involved in this break up.

 

I have the same analysis abour her behaviour. I can't imagine how mean she will be when my son get older. Yesterday, i said DH i don't want her in my son's life and mine anymore. Don't want her in my house either. 
He was as shocked as i was and really sad and agreed with my decision

Rags's picture

I am so angry for you.  I think it is time for the scorched Earth policy with your MIL.  Your DH needs clarity that if she so much as thinks about showing her face in your home and family... he is gone.

I would take it to the point that her complete ruining of the SKid makes the SKid persona non grata in your family and none of them will have any exposure to you or your baby if DH does not grow some balls, put a big hand between his legs, grab a massive handful of man sack, give it a firm squeeze, and put his idiot mother firmly and permanently in her place while making it clear that she will have zero interface with his children because he will no longer tolerate her haggy, manipulative, toothless witchy bullshit anywhere near his children or his wife.

GRRRRRRR!  And other angry noises.

The second MIL was late, you, DH, and the baby should have loaded up and left for the baby's doc appointment and DH should have texted his idiot mother with "Mom, you never showed up and we had the baby's appointment. You knew that.  Stay in the driveway with my son until we get home from the baby's appointment."

IMHO you cannot keep wilting over this toothless hag of an MIL.  You have to go all "I will end  you bitch!" all over her manipulative toxic ass.

Caroline2b1211's picture

Hi rags ! Thanks for your message.

Yes she is an horrible manipulative person. The problem with her is that she has a really good relationship with SS9 and knows that DH (or SO, sorry i have a bad habbit) will never cause him pain by not letting him see her. 
He was so happy to see SS, and so worried to let him wait in the car that he decided to stay home waiting them. 
We used to have SS EOWE and half holidays. With pandemic we changed plans (as we live far) and decided to take SS9 all the holidays (includind summer holidays). So he was really happy to see his son he hasn't seen since february. 
SS9 goes to MIL with BM approbation. They make theirs plans in DH back and decide everything. They became closer after my baby birth. 
For example, SS9 goes to MIL EOWE (instead of staying at BM as we have him the entire holidays).

This time, he was supposed to come on saturday, but BM called DH on friday to let him know that everyrhing was arranged and that SS will go to MIL until tuesday. 
DH has no power to control that, because MIL and BM are really directive. The only solution is to go to MIL and take his son by force, but he refuses to do so as he doesn't want to make any drama in front of SS, and the both know it. 

Same thing for the SS9 gifts. He said many times to his mother that if she wants to make gifts for SS9, she must give them on her WE with him, and not bring them home. As she doesn't do any gifts for the baby. 
 

But she doesn't care what he says. She does whatever she wants, and keep letting SS9 brings gifts to our home. Same things, DH doesn't want to make any drama in front of his son, and she knows it. 
 

Maybe things will change when my baby will say "oh, and there is nothing for me?". I don't know...

shellpell's picture

Your dh shouldn't let MIL see either kid on his time nor let her in your house again. And SS needs to be shut down every time he brings up gifts or spoiling etc. and not allow him to bring gifts over to the house if he flaunts them or would try to make your baby feel bad when he's older.

Caroline2b1211's picture

Hello Shellpell, 

Yes, i agree. DH shouldn't let SS9 to MIL on his time. However, as i explained earlier, BM and MIL are making arrangment together and are really directive. SS9 loves to go to MIL, and DH doesn't want to make any drama in front of his, as the only solution would be to go and take is son by force.. 

Regarding the gift, i agree too... But DH doesn't want to make any drama in front of his son. He already said to MIL that if she wanted to make gift to SS9, she should give them on her time. But she doesn't care at all, and do whatever she can to make us pain. 

She uses SS9 as a poor object to cause trouble and pain in our house.

shellpell's picture

Your dh can take the gifts away when ss arrives and explain to him that gifts from mil stay at mil house. 

Bex_S's picture

I'm sorry you're going through this; I have the exact same problem with DH's family and my son. SD is the golden child to them and my son (2.5 yrs) can't get a look in. It culminated in my husband falling out with his family for a while because of the disparate levels of treatment between SD and our son at Christmas when he was 1. Some of them didn't bother to meet him at all and the first Christmas after he was born was when they met him, just because he was there, not because they made the effort to meet him. His "brother" didn't meet him at all until he was 1. It has got better now fortunately but SD is still top of the pile to them for some reason; even my SS doesn't get that level of favour. Ss worships SD but doesn't bother with either of our children. I'm hoping our daughter (2 months) doesn't have the same issues from DH's family but I'm not holding my breath. 

I hope things get better for you; message me if you like to vent or get some advice, I've had nearly 3 years of this shit now x

weightedworld's picture

I would imagine it's time to cut off the contact, even with SS. I highly doubt the point will ever be received with her but as both are her GKs there is no special treatment such as that. Imagine if your DS was 7 and she did that and how he would feel. Set the bar now while you have the chance. 

Easter weekend was a big hit for us as well. We took a weekend vacation and the little ones stayed with my mom as we flew. His mom called and asked if she could take our daughter and his daughter to an easter egg hunt (we also have a 1yr old son) as it turns out she was taking our daughter and going to meet the ex and his daughter to go for an Easter Egg hunt in exs town. Talk about smoke rolling from the ears, I'm suprised my head didn't fly right off my shoulders. LUCKILY they had a "family" emergency and the plans fell through but Grandma-dearest was quick to the rescue and went and scooped her up quick so Mom could get all the community sympathy for a death that didn't pertain to her. And then the bf got shafted and was unable to speak to his daughter for a week because he didn't react accordingly when BM was blowing up his phone at 630a on our vacation with "911!! Call me!"

Imagine.. His mother, his ex gf of 4.5 yrs, their daughter, and my daughter strolling through the park.. and they wonder why bm and others in the community think the way they do. 

She has now been put into the bag of - will not see our children unless one of us are there.

This last weekend she called and asked if she could come and see the kids. I told him to let her know we were busy. She was more than thrilled and was like "Oh thats fine! I have things to do anyways!" We later seen her in the drive in parking lot of a local drive up restaurant.. took all I had not to flip her the bird! She didn't even acknowledge us and left right away. 

This is also the mother who at Christmas was told that DIL's brother and his wife just found out their baby was downs (prenatal test) and went on a big speal about how people who have "little retards" just need to fix themselves before procreating anymore "little retards" for the world to have to look at. (had DIL in tears, I felt horrible, I just soaked it all in - little "Princess is #2 diagnosed "little retard" of her mothers kids" 

 

Caroline2b1211's picture

Hi everyone, 

Many thanks for all your kind replies. As i see, many of you are in this situation (or have been). I'm really sorry for you too, but feel less alone in my misery. 

I didn't have time to answer sooner, as i had to deal with SS9 health issue.
Initially, the "official" reason he went to MIL 4 days at the beginning of holidays was that he was sick. MIL (who is really vicious) told DH that she will keep him home to "cure" him and avoid any risk for our baby. Baby concerns were just an excuse to spend time with him on DH time. Proof is she brought him back on tuesday (and you know the drama she made) although he still was sick !

SS9 is sick since 3 weeks. Even if we are in a pandemic situation, BM refuses to see a doctor or make a COVID test. She argues that "it's just a flue" and that COVID test (nose) are too traumatic for SS9. 
When we realized that SS9 was still sick, DH and I called our doctor to set an appointment. This appointment is tomorrow morning. Meawhile, he highly recommanded to make SS9 tested to COVID. BM refused, and i had to move heaven and earth to find the way to make a salivary test (in france, they are only used in school prevention campaign). 
I found out a way to make him salivary tested (he is the only boy in the region to benefit from this technology) and we are waiting for result. 
So happy to cut her off at the knees ! She argued that COVID tests were too painful, but the only reason she does so, is that she want to bother us. 

I'm really scared about the result... Hope it's not COVID. 
However, our doctor said "even if it's not COVID, i must see him. It's not normal for a cold to last 3 weeks. It could be a danger for him and the baby". 

I will keep you in touch 
Best
 

 

CLove's picture

Good for you. Dont let these b!tches get you down.

Biggrin