I'm sorry, he's separated and you've been dating him for FOUR YEARS??

Are they REALLY getting divorced? Have you ever looked the filings up??

I have to tell you, this sounds like you're getting played. Hard. I'm really surprised to read you're 35. I would have guessed 20.

Oh, dear. I'd like to be more encouraging than I'm going to be...

In my experience, you get treated the BEST when you are dating; it only goes downhill from there. It just doesn't sound to me like he's all that into you. I'm sorry. I think you should not waste any more time on him.

The first thing I would wonder if I were dating someone who is separated is why isn't he divorced?

The second thing I would wonder is why he hasn't introduced me to his family... particularly his children if he is wanting an exclusive committed relationship.

Cookie, I hate to break it to you, but if this has been the pattern for 4 years, it is not likely to change. If you don't like it, you need to step back from it.

I have lots of girlfriends who are widowed, divorced, or just plain single. Our rule of thumb is we don't date married men. Period. No "I'm separated but I can't afford to get a divorce." or "The marriage is just over, but we have to be legally separated for x amount of time to divorce.".... Whatever the reason, we don't do it.

This is not to be judgmental or goody two shoes. It's because we value ourselves. We are in a position in life where we are ready and able to have a partner, to give ourselves in a committed, healthy relationship, to be there for someone period. We are all great women, and we deserve the same in return. A man who is separated but not divorced is in that position for a reason... it might not be his fault, but it is a reason. Whatever that reason, it makes him at least partial unavailable for a committed relationship on some level. He has unfinished business with his ex no matter how you slice it. You are worth waiting for a man who can be there for you completely. You are worth waiting for a relationship in which you can be joyful, and both your friends and family can rejoice with you and you can share one another's lives fully.

One of our close friends broke this code. She dated a man who was not yet divorced. They truly "fell in love" with one another, but she has been in misery since she has been miserable. She thought she would get used to it, but she hasn't, but she loves him so much that she continues to be with him. All the suffering she has done, and moments of frustration of her having to compete with ex wife, kids, etc.... now their relationship has been hurt, and all that could've been avoided had they just waited until he was available...legally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

Cookie, you don't have to deal with it. If you love him so much that you feel it's worth it, then you accept it for what it is. Love is a wonderful thing, but it's not all there is to life. And True love can stand the test of time and space, to wait until he closes the door on his marriage before moving onto another relationship.

I could tell you ways to get used to it, and I will if that's what you really want to know, but my question to you is do you truly want to get used to it?

If you truly do want to get used to it, here are some suggestions:

- Have a very active social life, and make your own plans rather than sit around pining for him.
- Do not try to get anyone to like you. Nothing you do will make that happen. They are either open to you or not... if not, it's their loss.
- Do nurture the other relationships in your life.... your friends and family will help you stay sane.
- Do make yourself available to date other men when he's not available. He is not capable of being available and committed to you at this time. Every aspect of your relationship should be mutual.
- When you want to go away for a weekend, go away for the weekend with or without him. Have fun and enjoy yourself!
- Pick something you've always wanted to learn/ do and sign up for a class.
- Find a local place that offers group dance lessons- did you know swing dance is making a huge comeback? Dance is a great social outlet and good exercise too! And you might meet a man who is truly available.
- Learn to enjoy the spiritual discipline of solitude. You're a great person... you don't have to be around other people to be happy!

I discovered after getting married that there are actually possible advantages in arranged marriage. After all, when an arranged marriage is done really properly (I mean really properly, I'm not being ironic) you have a full cv on the spouse to be, the families have a relationship with each other, and you are joining with a supportive group rather than to one isolated person. When marriages are not arranged but are done for love like mine or your hoped-for one, you choose your spouse in isolation and take no account of the extended family. But then, once the knot is tied, what do you discover? You married into the group anyway. So, when you finally get your heart's desire with this guy and tie the knot, you are going to have not just a rather secretive withholder for a spouse, but holy roller in-laws one of whom regularly fights his adult son and is obnoxious, a BM who has lived in misery with your DH in the past and is going to be a primary figure in the kids' lives for at least 10 more years, and some very young children who regard the whole dysfunctional setup no doubt with deep love and will never see you as anything other than an outsider who carried on with their dad for 4 years without them being told about it. As well as all this, you will be connected to someone who, if things go badly wrong, could end up making you terribly unhappy in your workplace too. If you have a marital row or separation, you may not want to be in the same workplace and this could affect your economic and work prospects negatively.
There is just so much potential misery connected to a future marriage to this guy that he will have to be really fantastic to make it worthwhile for you. And stay fantastic over years of hell from the ILs because this is an absolute certainty, even if the rest of my comments are subjective to me. I feel a person can only stay a good spouse over the years if they are not likely to be beset by a sense of divided loyalty. But -- that seems to be exactly what this guy is vulnerable to.
I agree with the posters who say take a break and try to find a more longterm happy prospect.

Wow,

Your situation sounds like me "back in the day". I also had a very long "relationship" with my present wife that lasted nearly 4 years. It was great because I could lead her along and still maintain a sort of family relationship with my first wife and kids. I also led the double life of keeping a separate house for myself and still keeping house in the nuclear household. I did it quite well for a long time. I was involved in my kids' lives constantly as well as in my ex's activities. I traveled a lot, too, and was able to fit in quite a few getaway trips with my then-mistress. I kept her at bay by telling her that I was in the process of getting divorced...even went so far as drawing up fake divorce papers that looked very real when she asked for proof from me...all because I wasn't able to bring myself to divorce because of my religious beliefs.

My now-wife finally tired of my game of smoke and mirrors and basically dumped me. She told me whenever I was ready to have a real relationship with her, I would have to be divorced. She did a lot of what Lily told you to do by getting along with her life without me. That made me realize exactly what I was missing out with her. I eventually filed for divorce and the rest is history (as they say). Got back together with my former mistress and we now have a great marriage of 5 years..

I would definitely NOT recommend this path to anyone else. It has worked for us, but it was not an easy journey.

Well the fact that autopilot can be so honest and honourable gives you hope doesn't it Cookie26? Maybe spend more social time with friends though, not back off completely but just a little bit whilst you are analysing all this. Keep posting, it has really helped me.

Sounds like you are being a wise woman!

It may be hard to stick to your guns... everyone here will support you!

Best wishes!

Has it occurred to you that if you spent some consistent time with him, you might not get along that well? Long distance or part time relationships always seem to work great. But when it involves the day to day crap, it is MUCH harder. You are left wanting more because your time with him is limited. He is still doing all the romantic gestures because he is perpetually dating you. He has to keep you hanging around. You have received some great advice. You just need to decide if he's worth flinging with or even continuing to see at all. If you want full time, he isn't going to be the one.