Debt / No Debt
Can anyone give me some advice on financial issues in a relationship. I am divorced and am financially secure due to hard work and committment over the years when I was married. My DP of 2 1/2 years is opposite. Continually struggling to pay bills, child support, personal loans, rent etc. He is also just about to be out of work for the second time in 10 months. His children very young, mine in their teens. What to do? Starting to take its toll on me emotionally as I am definitely the one putting my hand in my pocket more over the last 10 months always at my home most of the time, me buying food etc. He used to contribute over a year ago, but due to job problems and a considerable drop in income I have not felt right to accept his money he hardly can afford. He does try, but I feel guilty as he cant afford alot of things. But I am coming to realise he will never afford alot and I cant even plan a holiday with him. I would love to travel again. I feel I am missing out on so many things due to this continual debt. I feel like I have the money problems as well all the time - when I dont due to him always struggling. I have chosen not to live together due to the risk of my financial security which I dont want to risk losing. I dont think he will ever be on his feet due to his young children and maintenance and his debt. He is nearly in his fifties and I am 42.
DH and I are often not on the
DH and I are often not on the same page when it comes to managing money. The best advice I've received is to meet with a financial planner. Have them help you and him set a financial budget and stick to it.
It's been my experience that people who are bad with money were just never taught any differently. As long as their bills are paid, they think everything is fine.
My DH is the same way. He has
My DH is the same way. He has a LOT of debt, and his credit is so bad that we cannot buy a house together (we rent). His financial issues have impacted me in many ways. The most obvious is that I have to contribute more to the household bills. If I want to go out on a date, I have to pay. If I want to go on vacation, I have to pay. I want to buy a house but I cannot do that with my husband. I want to buy a new car but I cannot afford it (I make pretty good money, but with me having to constantly make up for what DH does not put it, I don't have much left over). It really is a constant struggle which is not fair because I am like you- I have worked hard so that I would never have to struggle- yet here I am..
I like the idea of going to a financial planner/advisor. I haven't tried that yet. People on here did advise me that the best way to basically "force" DH to make more money (my issue is that DH works a crappy low paying job which is not even full time) is to make him see that he doesn't make enough. Stop making up for what he doesn't put in. Don't give him money. Don't pay for things that are his responsibility. Of course, that's easier said than done because if I don't make up for what he doesn't pay to the electric bill, for example, then the power gets shut off. So there are consequences for me too- not just for him.
I'm not really sure if 2 people with such different income/priority levels can ever really work out.
I agree with this! Love is
I agree with this! Love is love. It sounds like you love your money more than him.
Love doesn't pay the bills.
Love doesn't pay the bills.
Thank you all for giving me
Thank you all for giving me some advice. Unfortunately it isnt as easy as love. As when someone is out of work and never has enough money, it adds considerable stress to their partner. After growing up very poor, I have learnt from a very young age when I earned my own money, I never want my children or myself ever to go through that. But its a big ask I feel to expect someone to say whats yours is his. Thats fair if it was only a couple of thousand dollars, or you build your financial security together. But sorry - not an unencumbered home and a nest egg in the bank. I am a very loving friendly genuine person, but risking my financial security? Sure a binding agreement can be put in place, but this puts bad tastes in alot of peoples mouths, and there is the continual money issues he cant afford much and I would have to pay for most things. Btw - I completely feel for alot of the male population out there that have gone through divorce, as they do tend to suffer out of a marriage settlement more than mothers with main custody of the children. In my case, was 50/50 even with kids, as it wasnt fair their father be left with little to support himself. He still needs to support his children.
I already responded, but I
I already responded, but I have to say for people who have not been in this situation I think it may be hard to fully understand. It is not fair to say if you love him, you will say what's mine is ours! You are the only one contributing so he is getting a free ride! If you were contributing equally (and I don't mean the exact same salary, I just mean if you both worked full time and paid bills), then yes I can see thinking what's mine is ours. But not when you are the only one contributing. I am in that very situation right now and it is extremely stressful. I love my DH with all my heart, but it is NOT fair that because I made the CHOICE to put myself through school and get a good job, that I should have to pay more because he chose the easy route. My DH's job is not even full time. You mean to tell me I should be making up for his slacking? I don't think so. That has nothing to do with love. It's about fairness in your relationship.
I am sorry christinen that
I am sorry christinen that you are stuck in the situation you are in too. The difference between you and me is i think i may get to choose to not cope and leave the relationship. I do believe that definitely divorce can stuff up your financial stability. But to not handle finances after that, is stressful too. I wont go into to much detail, but after his first job loss his ex made him feel guilty and pay maintenance well above his means saying his kids will suffer. Its been to the stage that his ex has said i should support him as i am financial and he should still pay the maintenance. Most things that eventuate doesnt change till i say something. I think I am giving myself an insight here writing all this. Thanks for your support christinen
CanWeMakeIt, I spent my life
CanWeMakeIt,
I spent my life making careful decisions about my job and my finances. Since completing my post-secondary education, I have never been out of work. In fact, I was just thinking about this the other day...I have never taken more than 10 days off, in a row, from my job.
By the time I met DH, I had a house with a very small mortgage and a career that was on its second upswing. I was 37. He was separated. He too has an incredible work ethic, but made the mistake of marrying Lazy McCrazy (who didn't work) in his mid 20s and had a child. When he separated, by the time he paid all the debt, sold the matrimonial home and settled the alimony (remember, she never worked), he walked away with a very small amount and more alimony and CS.
I refinanced my home (kept it and it is still a rental today, in my name alone) and with that money we bought an albatross of a house together.
We still maintain separate bank accounts.
I love him, but it has taken me 6 years to feel comfortable about our financial future.
The recession hit his industry (not mine) and I make more than he does. That part is fine, I'm happy to contribute. However, he has financial obligations that are not mine (Child Support and the extra expenses he's agreed to pay). (we have shared custody). [I buy many things for my SD, because I want to...not because I have to]. And yes, there were times where I paid more than my share of expenses.
My advise? Keep your bank accounts separate. Keep your house, rent it out if you can.
SLOWLY integrate. You should NOT feel guilty for working hard your whole life and making good, solid financial decisions.
Until you feel comfortable, you have every right to protect your financial future.
Brightside, you are a lovely
Brightside, you are a lovely person for writing what you have to give another perspective. I am definitely one that realises its not easy to separate and split finances etc. As i previously said its harder for the male and they usually come out of it less financial if there is children and years of hard work building a solid asset foundation to see it all be taken away due to who has custody of kids etc. I also realise that my decisions cannot be made lightly as I could end up a very lonely person if all I worry about is my financial security all the time. I guess there has to be a happy medium. For one - I dont think in the long term I want to end up being the provider of income and security due to my partners other priorities (child support), debt owing and age becoming a factor being more likely to find work as time goes on. I guess out of it all I want to be able to make informed decisions together - but in my case that can never happen as when there is debt and child support - that will always be the first priority. So when money is tight - those get covered first. So I would then have to pay the bills that we owe between us eg utilities, food, petrol etc. I dont think I want that. I want my partner to at least have some form of security even if it to have their own home paying off a huge mortgage rather than have credit card debt and car loan debt. The house would more likely be an increasing asset rather than a declining asset like a car and credit card debt. Its been hard enough worrying my partner wont be able to pay his rent where he lives now and I be forced into a situation he has to move in with me as he will have no where else to live. As for renting my home out and we buy a house together - its not possible as he has a $50k car loan debt with the car worth only $30k, a $10k credit card debt and ongoing interest payments. Plus out of work, nearly 50yrs old - I dont think he would be given a house loan. Then what if he cant pay the mortgage payments on our new home together - I will be forced to take up the slack all the time. Omg it just goes on and on. I do love him, he is a lovely man. I just always feel like I have the money issues even though I dont - as thats all our conversations are about - ie. he texts me and says 'great rent and car payment due' like I need to take it on board all the time. Its so stressful.