DO STEP FAMILIES REALLY EVER WORK - OR IS IT JUST TOO HARD
I am really wondering after finding this site to help with an issue I have been having deciding whether I wanted to do the SM thing to much younger Skids than my own bio children. I have had some nice replies with some good advice thank you.
So with all this, and reading many posts on this site. I am beginning to wonder whether living and supporting each other in a step family environment would ever really work.
Of course when we are in a relationship and especially when you feel that you have found a life partner that you are soul mates, it is beautiful and special. But start introducing children to each other from ones families, over time, the wonderful idea of thinking that this will work out, (of course with hard work and reality of different parenting styles) it starts sinking in, that it can be all too much.
How can a step family really work long term when there are conflicts from both sides, and friction starts building.
You can give up and think this is all too hard. But again, we dont all want to grow old alone, so we go through the cycle again maybe after a few years meeting someone else. So therefore the step family intros start again and the same issues start building.
I say, never move in together until the children have left the nest. This is the theory I am putting in place and so far (touch wood) its working. We catch up when we dont have our children. (of course come together for special times as one big family) but overall, keep it separate, keep the peace, and maybe look back and say - WOW we made it.
Believe me - makes the sex better too - lol. When you dont see each other for a few days or a week. Awesome. 
I think it can work. But the
I think it can work. But the ones who are doing well aren't going to seek out a website for help or venting. They are just living life
I think it ONLY works when
I think it ONLY works when the man has enough #$%#$% to not allow the kid or the crazy ex to over step boundaries. If he has CLEAR boundaries BEFORE you get together, then it can work. If he did NOT have boundaries before, and tries to implement boundaries AFTER you are together, it will ALWAYS be your fault.
I do NOT believe that people MUST WAIT until their kids are 18 to marry. I don't thinks kids should have a ANY SAY in adult decisions. If my kid EVER made me feel like I had to give up MY LIFE so that they can get their way, I would make sure to make their life miserable when they decided to choose a mate. Why is it that anyone believes kids should have a say in adult matters is beyond me. The reason for so many issues today with step-families vs. 30yrs ago is that today parents think "kids should have a say, blah, blah, blah"...30yrs ago the parents would easily tell the kids "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" Kids today an ex-wives have been given too much power by society with their "poor me bs".
PS - where I live I have not found these step-issues much because most men feel they are "THE BOSS", ie. the ex's don't dare try to manipulate them...the only one I know with issues is a man who is "a nice man" and thus his daughters and ex think THEY are the boss and can tell him what to do...My husband's best friend has NEVER had any issues with his ex, daughter, etc...he gladly tells everyone that when her ex remarried, he took the guy aside and told him "you will be with MY daughter in your house, SHE WILL respect you, and YOU will not treat her badly unless it's well deserved...and as far as me, DON'T EVEN TRY to butt into MY life or get my EX to butt into my life because then YOU AND I will have a good talk." He NEVER had any issues. Every other guy I know here that has an ex pretty much has done exactly the same. Never any issues, they are great dads, they see their kids all the time, they have awesome relationships.
"If he has CLEAR boundaries
"If he has CLEAR boundaries BEFORE you get together, then it can work. If he did NOT have boundaries before, and tries to implement boundaries AFTER you are together, it will ALWAYS be your fault"
BINGO!!!
^^^ Yep. THIS. There HAVE
^^^ Yep. THIS. There HAVE to be boundaries, and the bioparent needs to be the one to put their foot down when the skid starts trying to test those boundaries. If it's only you putting your foot down or getting upset, you will be blamed for everything.
Hmmmmmmmm - that is a tough
Hmmmmmmmm - that is a tough question. I think each situation is different. Mine - IDK - I thought it would work when we had SD on the weekends and occ here and there. But since she has moved in w/ us FT - I absoulutley hate my life. DH and I don't even talk anymore; we argue about things that DONT matter at all! I can't stand the way he falls over himself doing things for her at the age of 14! She gets up in the morning for her practice (she wants to join) and you think she won the Nobel Prize!
Sometimes it is just too much; Yes, I thought he was the Love of My Life - we have been together for 12 years; but we all have our limits.........
UGH I know that feeling
UGH I know that feeling too!
I'd get home from a looongg haaarrrd week of work on a Friday and there were the tell tale signs of another "entitlement session."
Candy wrappers discarded on the driveway in a "hansel and gretelesque" type trail going into the house!!
Or I'd find them unsupervised and spray painting the side of a vehicle in neon orange.
Then GG would drop them off to one their myriads of "activities" that the Behemoth had pre-arranged (without consulting GG of course) througout the weekend. I'd PRAY that they'd want to go back to the Behemoth's instead of at my house again.
But then I'd see GG dutifully leaving and picking up the "angels" again, only to be right back in the driveway; leaping into the house; making enough racket to drown out a 767 jet, throwing candy wrappers all over the place and expecting GG to "port" in their baggage whilst they rush to the vid games and take over the TV.
ARRRGH!!!
It really is amazing how
It really is amazing how wonderful life is when the skids are not around isn't it? Even my DW
comments on how peaceful our house is when we are not having to chase around SD21's 2 yr old son and how there's no tension in the house. The only arguments me and DW have had for the past three years has been about the adult SKIDS. When they aren't living with us, life is GREAT.
Your post made me tear up. It
Your post made me tear up. It is the same in my home. We have a wonderful time together minus Skid. We laugh and smile. Everyone is relaxed and happy. It seems the day before he is to be over we start walking on egg shells. Are we really supposed to live our lives like this?
Yes-when it's my bf, myself
Yes-when it's my bf, myself and my bios it goes very nicely...peaceful, nice dinners, nice talks, him and I get along.
THEN, everytime she comes to visit him announced or bm's last minute drop offs (for 3 weeks at a time)...or by thursday before the EOW things get tense to ugly between us...and then until 24hrs after she goes back home.
As in my previous blog-it was supposed to be our wknd w/kids-his ex figured it didn't work for her so only sent her Sun-of Sunday, my only interaction was a few mins of hello around 2pm...then not till 630 to go to dinner till 930...those 3hrs were enough to make me want to strangle her, slap her, give her and her dad a verbal smackdown and put me in a fould mood rest of the night UGHHHh...enough to where I asked bf to not come over and visit me last night. Well that and I wanted to watch bachelorette final uninterrupted LOL
The youngest of GG's kids
The youngest of GG's kids PASed out almost two years ago now. Not hide nor hair since.
No recognition this year for GG's b-day nor father's day either; a first.
In a way, I'm relieved for now. GG is a horrible guilty dad when in skid's royal presence. When he's away from them he pines after them which becomes a viscious cycle of making my life miserable.
If he is just "himself" and not thinking about his ingrateful PASeriffic kids or resenting how well adjusted MY children are in stark contrast, he can be fine and dandy like whisky and candy.
I haven't read everyone's
I haven't read everyone's responses, but speaking from experiance... we are 7 years in and I can tell you what are the key factors that has made this step life work for us.
1. Time WITHOUT the kids. We have no kids together so it makes it a little easier, but I think even if we did have a child this would hold true as an important factor in our relationship. We have all of the kids on the same custody schedule. When my girls are with their dad, SS is with his mom. It gives us time to stay connected without having to deal with the stresses of steplife. Even if just for 2 days, it is necessary.
2. BOUNDARIES- My DH does not let BM get away with crap. If she oversteps a boundaries, he tells her IMMEDIATELY. If she is slacking on her maternal duties, he tells her to step up her game, if she is being an idiot, he tells her to knock it off. Does she listen??? Not usually, but it is more for piece of mind for me. Knowing that he recognizes it, and addresses it and doesn't just ignore the fact that she is a lazy piece of crap, and pretends to be MOTY.
3. No matter what, we allow the kids to LOVE their other parents. If they want to talk about them, as much as we have to bite our tongues, we let them. We never tell them to keep it to themselves, or show our disinterest in what "mommy said" or did. Those are their parents, and no matter what, they have the right to love them as much as they can.
4. We support each other. If I tell SS to do something, DH backs me up. And vice versa. We never negate each others directives with the kids. If we doubt the others judgement, we will back them up in the moment, and question it later, when the kids aren't listening.
5. And most importantly to me, we do NOT allow our lives to revolve around BM. I come here and vent. If it is just a minor annoiance and not anything we have any control over, I don't complain to DH about it. The last thing he wants to sit around and talk about it that mistake of an exwife. Of course if it is something viable and important we will discuss it... but as much as possible, we do not allow her craziness to overcome our conversations and certainly not our lives. Our #1 RULE in our relationship is to NEVER EVER fight about our ex's. EVER. That has saved us several times from ugle battles. When it starts... one of us will just sale RULE NUMBER ONE, and we stop. That's it.
I read somewhere that it
I read somewhere that it takes, on average, 7 years to completely blend a family. We have been together for 8 years and two of the kids are no longer living with us but we all get along now...maybe the key is for them to grow and move out? LOL it's been a hell of a roller coaster ride as SM and, I am sure, that in years to come we will see some funny aspects of it all. Until then, however, we can come here and vent, or the SKids feel our wrath and, very occasionally, I am just not feeling like dealing with them and that is really not entirely their fault soooooooooo I vent on here.
As if three SKids living with us was not enough we now have another teenager living in our house!! At least he's helpful, he does the yard and the pool for us.
I totally agree about the
I totally agree about the boundary issue - that is the biggest one for us. SS12 now lives with us but has lived in nothing but chaos with BM. She is one who believes that her kids are her equal and have a right to an opinion in everything and to question every adult decision. NOT in this house!
DH just doesn't want to deal with any of it so BM still gets much more control than she should. We just came back for vacation and I was totally looking forward to SS's time with her because I just need the break. Oh no, BM says it's not her week.
Another big one for us is my resentment about working so much to help provide for SS when BM contributes NOTHING!
Step parenting is not an easy job!