DH only says "I love you" to his kids...need some honest opinions
I am recently married to DH. We dated for 4 years, and we are both past child bearing age, are both divorced, and both have adult kids.
During our relationship, he maintained that saying "I love you" was not something he believes in doing. I got to know MIL and mentioned this to her; she said he has always been that way and probably best to let him express his love by his actions. Since he is relaible, kind, generous, etc. I always thought it best to leave that issue alone. He has been hurt by ex wife in the past, so I figured that's his problem.
Fast forward to now...whenever he gets a phone call from any of the adult skids, he finishes off the call with a clear ILU. Sometimes we will be in the car, they call on the speakerphone and this happens. Each time he says it, I just freeze and draw in a breath. It cuts to the bone, I feel the cortisol rising in my head, and It is all I can do to refrain from getting emotional. But...I am determined to not fight about it. If only he knew how much this erodes my feelings for him.
He thinks his long-ago answer that it is just not something he says, was what I accepted. At one point I asked him and he shot back "I dont do ILU". Even though he knows I hear him speaking to his kids.
Any theories on what this guy's problem is, other than he simply doesn't feel it for me? Why marry me?
Yep, he is an insensitive
Yep, he is an insensitive butt head. How is that for a theory?
I think each time he drops the ILU I would ask him about it imediately. "Hey, what changed? I thought you don't do ILU and since I am your bride and life partner if you are going to drop an ILU to anyone it had damned well better be directed at me!"
Lather, rinse, repeat.
By tolerating it ... you condone and enable it.
IMHO of course.
If you are bothered by it,
If you are bothered by it, speak up. :?
Of course that doesn't mean he will change. It may simply give him an opportunity to explain that he is able to express his love to those he loves unconditionally.
As a parent, I love my son unconditionally. I will never love a spouse/SO that way.
Thanks Disney. That's the
Thanks Disney. That's the closest I have come to a reasonable explanation. It's the unconditional thing.
Any theories?? Yup. Your
Any theories?? Yup. Your hubby is a jerk. I'm sorry but that is not right. You are his WIFE. He should say I love u. Every day. Every chance he gets. Your post really upsets me because you don't deserve to be treated that way
Thanks, just about what I
Thanks, just about what I expected to hear. I am not a passive individual at all; I prefer to watch, evaluate and then decide on my next actions. I don't do drama or tears. I also subscribe to the theory that I cannot change him and would not feel comfortable about forcing him to say it. I did say ILU to him several times in the past, his response was just a silent hug, and I guess I was hoping he was saving it for our wedding day. He simply sidestepped the issue.
It is so weird how he is attentive, helpful, generous, does anything practical, and treats his family well. It's just those three words that are missing.
I am sitting here beside him now. If I brought up the subject, he would no doubt find an excuse to leave the room, not in anger, but in that way that peole do when they feel nagged.
I agree with those who say he is a jerk about it. Now I have to see how my Plan B develops. I refuse to do a dance to make him say it, because then I'd never know if he was being truthful.
This one might even be worth
This one might even be worth a big argument to me! He is ridiculous and this is horrible.
Maybe the two of you can
Maybe the two of you can agree on a secret word or phrase or touch or look that means ILU.. Then it would be special and not just what he says to skids like a trained parrot. Perhaps introduce the new phase when you are feeling close emotionally, after intimacy or a shared bonding activity. Learn to associate it with a special time and feeling. Quality not quantity.
My DH does say ILU at end of phone calls to skids and me. It has become habit that I wonder has any real meaning. It only seems real to me anymore when he kisses me goodbye in the morning. Maybe I will try this with him.
Definitely speak up how you feel.
Good idea about the 'special
Good idea about the 'special word'. That way, he can't hide behind the 'show me with his actions' excuse.
Have a frank conversation
Have a frank conversation with him and tell him that you need to have him express those words to you whether or not he feels it he has to do it for the sake of your marriage. This will eat away at you and will cause huge resentment. Tell him that it is for your emotional wellbeing and that he needs to get over his reluctance. He needs to say it once a day or start writing you a daily note, email or text with I love you in it. If he can do it for his kids he can do it for you.
Sometimes i do feel that saying I love you can become a bit of a conversation filler with little meaning especially when it is used very frequently. My family growing up rarely says I love you and when I first started dating (someone I loved) I found it strange to say it but over the years I have gotten used to it and now like saying it and hearing it. Your husband needs to start getting into the habit.
For me love is not the most important part of marriage (commitment is for me) but I do think that if one person has a need to can be simply met by the other by uttering a few words or composing a special message then it is cruel to refuse that request for no other reason than they are not in the habit of it or it feels strange at first.
If he still refuses or cannot try to reach a compromise with you then it might be time to get a marriage councilor to explain it to him or help you two find out the real issue and come up with a solution.
Thank you. Thank you. I was
Thank you. Thank you.
I was thinking the same damn thing. Dating him for four years and never spoke up. Now she marred him, and expecting change. I suspect he's been saying I love you to his kids all along.
Now they're married, it bothers her.
OP your time to speak up was before I do. Not after. He's not going to change.
I know he's not going to
I know he's not going to change. Truthfully, at this point, I don't actually care. I went into this with my eyes wide open, and have had a good time with him. Fortunately, I am independent, do not need anyone to complete me, and I go through life observing people passively. I avoid conflict, and simply make my choices based on my own boundaries and time frame. I can walk away stone cold sober, done it before, and likely will from this guy. He was interesting enough to be given a chance, but, like most divorced people, has some flaws that are game enders. My life will be happy no matter what transpires.
It's just so very interesting to pose a question, and see the range of humanity that piles on with their infinite wisdom. Some of you are so very kind and thoughtful, you know who you are, and I respect you. Some are bullies, some are cowards who only come forward when the lead bullies start the nit-picking. Just be mindful that some OP's may not be quite as resilient as we old souls who watch this board regularly, and your harsh and spiteful judgments could harm vulnerable people.
I'm a bully because I didn't
I'm a bully because I didn't jump on the "he's a jerk" bandwagon? Because I feel you should be held accountable for your decisions prior to marriage?
Fine then. I'm a bully.
"Just be mindful that some
"Just be mindful that some OP's may not be quite as resilient as we old souls who watch this board regularly, and your harsh and spiteful judgments could harm vulnerable people."
Maybe those "vulnerable people" need to stay off of the internet. I refuse to believe that grown ass adults are so damn fragile that comments from stranger on the Internet will send them over the edge.
Sounds like neither of you
Sounds like neither of you are really into this relationship.
I always thought it was just natural to tell someone you love, that you love them?
my 2 cents - he tells the
my 2 cents - he tells the kids what they want to hear, it does not mean a thing....
SO and I had the argument before, he can say easily I love you, after 12 years I've never said it to him, I'm sorry to me it's empty words, nothing more.... Aergia says it when she wants something and then she gets her way, SO say it to calm his daughter down if she is upset... thus to me those 3 words has no meaning at all...
I show how I feel about you through the deeds I do.... and if that's not enough or you are to stupid to realize it, it's not my problem. After 12 years together, SO is only starting to get it now... I forced him to do the love language test... he likes being told and I like actions.. so we are stuffed
Thank you Evil3. You are
Thank you Evil3. You are right that if it's forced then it doesn't count. It's a kind of stubborn attitude that reveals a huge level of insecurity. What intelligent person doesn't know that they are not going to keep a relationship unless they show some appreciation or as Rags said, simply not be an insensitive jerk. No wife should have to tell her husband "I need to hear ILU". It's like living in the twilight zone...I'm outta there, plan already in place. So glad I have the means to move on and be able to admit I was not decisive enough to leave earlier.
your dh is an ass. i know
your dh is an ass. i know because i am married to one too.
he always says i love you to his daughters and they send kiss emojis to each other in texts.
yes when a man gets all lovey over his children it does nothing to gain respect from his wife.
you have two choices
the first is to leave now.
the second is to find strength in your self to live without his full love and accept it.
what his ex wife did to him should have no bearing in how he treats you.
i myself have opted for the second choice here as at my age i dont need the stressors of a divorce. i have my own business and am happy with that.
Although I do agree that your
Although I do agree that your DH is an ass...some people just express themselves differently. I believe being open and able to communicate your feelings is a learned trait. Just as being closed off and guarded is learned.
When I was growing up, my parents rarely said I love you. I knew I was loved, I felt loved, I had a great childhood. They just didn't say those three words regularly.
It wasn't until I married my XH that I learned to say those three words regularly. My Xh's family told each other "I love you" after every visit or phone call. It taught me to be the same way. I then would say it to my parents with each meeting and phone call. That led them to start saying it back and to do the same with my Brother.
See the pattern?? My lousy piece of crap XH actually taught my family to open up and say "I love you". I will always give him credit for that.
Just because my parents didn't say It daily as a child didn't mean I wasn't loved, I was loved and knew it. But the words were never said to them so they didn't realize that they should say it to their children daily.
So maybe your DH says it to his children because they were taught (maybe by BM) to say it after each call. He feels comfortable saying it to them so he does.
I am not putting this on you, you have done nothing wrong, But maybe the more you tell him you love him the more comfortable he will be saying it back.
Or he could just be an ass....I don't know. But just a thought.
Do you have a pet? If so
Do you have a pet? If so tell your little fur muffin how much you love him/her all the time. You can even elaborate how much you love little furkins more that anybody in the house. }:) }:) }:)