Family Therapy = BS!
SS12 is currently in a psychiatric facility. The problems with him are endless. Most importantly to me, he has been hurting my DD's. Just to give some background, BM hasn't seen him in 7 years. DH buried himself in work and doesn't deal with anything. In fact, he tells me it annoys him to hear about the problems.
Today, we had a family therapy session at the facility. I had to tell DH he was required to be there, even though he wasn't. If i didn't say that, he wouldn't have gone. The therapist pretty much said everything is our fault and we don't give him enough attention. He should be mad that DD's are around and she doesn't blame him. She told us to pretty much kiss his butt when he comes home and shower him with attention. She believes this will make all the problems go away. Yeah, okay lady....
We get in the car and DH agrees with this woman. I do not. DH then proceeds to tell me that I'm not nice enough to SS. Even though, I go on field trips, take care of him everyday, take him to his assortment of appointments, and I'm the only one who parents him. In all honesty, I'm really the only one who does anything for this kid. Does he get on my nerves? YES! Am I sick of the entire situation? YES! But, I know I treat him better than anyone else in his life. I was insulted! DH said we're going to kiss his little hiny and whatnot. Welp, not me! I think it's time to seriously consider leaving. I can't go on like this. I feel like all of my happiness and joy is sucked out of me on a daily basis. I'm usually such a happy person, and lately, I'm miserable! I can't imagine living like this for the next 8 years, at least! Thoughts? Opinions? Advice? I'll take anything at this point!
My SS is now 27. I know I
My SS is now 27. I know I treat him better than anyone else ever has. And I barely tolerate him. It's just that so far I have not dumped crap on him like the rest of the world.
I don't know how old your SS is. Does he live with you?
You did not bring him into this world. His issues are not your fault.
He's 12. He lives here and
He's 12. He lives here and DH has essentially dumped him entirely on me. He works until bedtime and then tells me he doesn't want to hear about the problems.
Welp, that's your issue. The
Welp, that's your issue. The kid needs his dad to get his head out of his ass and be a real parent. This is sad.
If you haven't yet, please watch the last season of Nurse Jackie. It's probably on Netflix now.
Yes, I have documented
Yes, I have documented everything. Also, the treatment facility has it on record as well as his regular therapist.
My SS17 is in a residential
My SS17 is in a residential treatment facility as well. I have some suggestions:
1. Different facility IMMEDIATELY! Any therapist that blames the parents - in front of the child - is a quack. (Not saying the parents shouldn't be blamed - in this case it might be true! - not you - but your DH and the BM)
2. Leave. If your husband cares so very little about his own child - who is going thru some pretty serious shit right now - how on earth does he even give you the time of day? Your husband needs a swift kick in the nuts followed by a throat punch.
Look - my DH is ANGRY with his own kid. (long history of bad behavior choices) But he still cares enough to attend family therapy every week (via phone).
Oh!
One more - get your DDs into a therapist as well. All the chaos and uncaring going on in your home has got to be tough on them.
Good luck.
WTF so your DH thinks its ok
WTF so your DH thinks its ok for his child to hurt your DD's, dump the responsibility of his disturbed child onto you, admit he doesn't want to *hear* about the problems, does absolute minimal for his child yet blames you for not being nice enough to ss?!! :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
LEAVE.
Seriously. I very rarely say that but your DH needs to learn first hand what you have been actually shielding him from. You do not have to attend any family sessions if you are not inclined to, yet you did. Not for your own benefit. This man does not deserve you. Your children do not deserve a stepfather who will not at the least protect them. Hell I didn't particularly like my ss, however I always always protected him and ensured he was safe. Even from his own family and that caused problems for me in turn, but I still did it because he was an innocent kid and I put his welfare before my own. Your DH does not and will not do that even for his own son, so you and your DD's do not have a chance.
Your ss needs his parents to step up (not you, no offence) and they will continue to avoid, deflect and blame unless you stop enabling them.
I am not blaming you, you have tried your best, but you ARE enabling your DH to be a crappy parent, husband and stepfather by allowing this situation to continue as it is. Your DH is dependent upon you to be the fixer, the doer and because of your role he gets to point the finger at you.
If you take yourself out of the equation, your DH may still blame you because you are absent and that has caused problems, but at least your poor children will not be in the firing line.
I think you will be doing them a favour by sitting out of this mess imo!
I have pleaded with DH to
I have pleaded with DH to attend therapy and he refuses. SS 's regular therapist wanted to speak with him a few weeks ago and he refused. He just doesn't want to deal with any of it. As for DD's, they are 1 & 2,so I'm not sure that therapy will be beneficial.
DD's are DH's daughters with
DD's are DH's daughters with me. He isn't their stepfather. You would think he would want to protect them! Instead, he puts on blinders and hides at work.
I started wondering if I was enabling everything a few weeks ago. I know that I am. But, I don't want DD's to grow up without their Dad. At the same time, I just can't continue to do this.
It is SS's DAD who is
It is SS's DAD who is depriving him of time and attention. If DH avoids spending time with his child and refuses to take responsibility for tackling his problems then the therapist is absolutely right, SS probably is suffering from a lack of love and attention. How dare he come out of a therapy session that he would not even have attended if it were left up to him, and then suggest that you are part of the problem. As a boy, and one with serious issues, his Dad is the single most significant figure in his life. He is the only one who can give SS the love he needs and no-one has more power to turn the situation around than DH. He is letting his son down and he needs to take responsibility for that instead of trying to blame you.
It's not really a fantasy of
It's not really a fantasy of a happy family, but I don't want them to not be able to see their father on a daily basis. I think this is a huge factor, but I need to get past it. He is great with the girls. He's very loving and attentive. For some reason, he seems to have a big problem bonding with SS. It's always been this way.
Maybe he needs his FATHER'S
Maybe he needs his FATHER'S attention. I'm sure he could (and does) care less about what you do or don't do with him.
Your DH is a dumbass. I would not tolerate ANY child under my roof abusing ANY other child but I have a strong moral obligation to especially protect my BIO child(ren)!
That's exactly what I've been
That's exactly what I've been saying to DH, but he says I'm blowing it out of proportion. I'm not. Everyone that hears the stories is always in shock.
Well you have to pull out the
Well you have to pull out the big guns now. Protect your DD's at all cost! That is your responsibility. And anyway, how much are DD's really seeing their dad if he works until the SS is in bed as you originally posted.
He is not an attentive father to the DD's either.
Do not risk their health and well-being for this fantasy of a family you wish you had.
You don't have it and never will with this ass. He doens't even care enough about you and the dd's to try to help his son.
He is a selfish ass and staying with him will harm your little ones too. They will also feel the neglect but also abuse once SS comes back. This situation is insane and YOU CAN CHANGE it right now!
cant believe he tried to pass
cant believe he tried to pass the buck to you... put your foot down and confront your dh. a GREAT stepmom cant make up for a crappy mom and crappy dad. not your fault, its dh's.