So Here We Are...
SS12 was hospitalized a couple of weeks ago for suicidal ideations. Just for some background, he's lived with us for 6 years. He hasn't seen BM in 8 years. She lives almost all the way across the country. She has had her moments, but I feel like she has truly made her life much better. DH does nothing with SS. He barely ever interacts with him. He is my responsibilty 95% of the time. Even when DH is here, he doesn't participate in caring for SS. SS has physically hurt my DD's on two occasions. Recently, I was told by a therapist, that he has was a very serious case and she was highly concerned. DH had agreed to send SS to BM for the summer. Tonight, he told me he didn't want him to go. And, that I'm getting what I want by SS leaving. How would I feel if someone sent one of my DD's away? Well, the fact of the matter is that I take care of my kids, so that would never happen. He screamed and yelled at me. I said that he should try taking care of his own mentally disabled child for a few days and then he would see how I feel. Not to mention that I constantly fear for the safety of myself and my children. The bottom line is that I'm not willing to do it anymore. I'm just finished. I get criticized by everyone, including him, for the way I parent this kid. The bottom line is that I don't even have to do any of it. But I do because I feel bad for SS. As much as he drives me crazy, neither of his parents are taking care of him. But, it's simply not my responsibilty and just too much for me to handle. I'm thinking of taking DD's and leaving. I've said this before, but I feel like I'm ready to act now. I don't really need advice or anything like that, I just need to someone to hear me and validate my feelings. I never thought my marriage would come to this, but I just can't imagine living the rest of my life this way.
You hit the nail on the head
You hit the nail on the head with everything you said! I couldn't have said it better myself! It's so nice to be understood and not made to feel like an awful person!
"Not to mention that I
"Not to mention that I constantly fear for the safety of myself and my children."
If you're wanting validation for your desire to leave you have it. I would say this might be salvageable except for your SS' problems with violence and concerns he could harm your kids and himself. If the therapist had concerns about this kid, then I wouldn't take that lightly.
Right now, you are the only one who will protect yourself and your kids, your DH won't. If it was just a problem with weak parenting, and annoying skids, then there might be a reason to try and work things out, but it's the combination of weak parenting and a violent kid who will grow up to be a violent teenager and then adult. You are right to put your own childrens' safety and well-being first. And sorry you had to go through this but you will be better off.
The other issues, like incompatible parenting styles, lack of support from your DH, and your guilt over the lack of parenting of SS are really superfluous. These are issues that many of us deal with and try to learn how to change. But many of us probably don't have to worry about our own safety. That's what sets your situation apart. Although it's your SS that's directly committing the physical abuse, your DH is supporting it, and therefore he is being just as abusive to you and your kids. That's how I see it. You deserve better than that, and you realize that.
I know how clear it all
I know how clear it all seems. It's just hard to do it. DH keeps telling me that it's really not as bad as it seems, but I know it is. I think he likes to carry on about everything so I feel bad and stick it out. But, I really and truly believe SS is a dangerous person. When I think of him as an adult, nothing good comes to mind. My Mom also made the same point about protecting DD's. She said that everyone is working to help SS and no one is taking DD's into consideration.
That was my plan. Part of me
That was my plan. Part of me was hoping BM might want to keep him and let him visit us for summers and breaks. But, if he was going to return, I was going to tell DH that he needed to be responsible for the crae of SS. I'm glad to see I'm not out in left field with that idea..
They are. I have thought
They are. I have thought about that as well. Although, I suspect that if I wasn't here to take care of SS, DH would with send him to BM or MIL.