Fresh meat
Hi all, i'm new to the stepmom life and to stepparent blogs.
I'm seeking advice and others who have had or still struggle with my current situation. My fiance has 2 children, whom I absolutely adored at first. My fiance has them majority of the time, which did not seem like a big deal until I moved in. I was fine with him already being a parent because I met him through his children (at the preschool I work at). Things escalated quicly, we immediately fell in love, and I really enjoyed his children. Once I started staying the night and being around his children more I noticed how he favored his daughter (4 at the time) more than his son (5 at the time). He always took her side, and she is quite obsessed with him. It didn't matter much to me, I did give him advice about how to deal with their disagreements and how to talk to his children in a way they could understand when he needed to redirect them (because I've worked with children for so many years he welcomed my knowledge). He began to make an effort to give them equal attention and ween his daughter from following him everywhere and questioning where he was and where he was going every 10 seconds. Once I moved in it really started to bother me. I am now overcome by the green monster... I fought these emotions for so long and told myself I was ridiculous for feeling them. Who wants to admit that they are jealous of a almost 6 year old, lets be real. Luckily for me, my fiance is very receptive and open to me expressing my concerns and frustrations. However, now I am so full of envy and jealousy that I cant stand being around all 3 of them. I find myself annoyed and just not interested in them. It's not that they aren't great children, because they are very loving and accepting of me and their fathers relationship. They adore me and treat me with kindness. So why am I feeling like this? Why can't I simply "get over it'? I was raised primarily by my father, so I am still to this day a daddys girl. Maybe that's where my jealousy comes from, because I want my fiance all to myself and it kills me to see him and his daughter affectionate with each other. I am thankful that he is loving and such a great partner and father, but this envy is overpowering all of the positves in my life and in this relationship that I can hardly think straight.
Any advice, comments, suggestions are welcome!
Go easy on me, I'm new to this and i'm really trying here.
Welcome to the site! I think
Welcome to the site! I think you are well over halfway towards figuring out the root of your feelings, yourself. ie historical feelings relating to your father which have been rekindled by the present situation.
You have a situation many of us here would envy - but it's not always straightforward with the dynamics of a step family. I'd think about getting some counselling over this issue.
I’ve Been Trying
Ive been trying for 25 years and nothing has changed- only gotten worse-your feelings are appropriate for what is going on-
Affection is one thing, being
Affection is one thing, being clingy and following him around and asking where he is every minute is not normal. Even someone who is not jealous would find this behavior irritating.
Also watch out for passive aggressive hostility. You may think the kids adore you when they do not.
Super true!
Super true!
I thought SD really loved me she was so nice when we went out by ourselves and spent alone time together.
Not true. The whole time she'd be texting her mom how terrible I was and then flip the script when her dad got in the door.
It was a nightmare.
I would give it time.
I would give it time.
Try to understand that she was the apple of his eye until you came into the picture and the most important female in his life.
Now that you are in the family dynamics he has to understand that the roles have changed.
If he's open to criticism and change then that is already a step in the right direction.
His daughter will more than like resent you for taking some of dad's attention away but that's how these things seem to go.
As far as the envy it is normal.
This man is the most important person in your life and you expect the feeling to be mutual. Maybe you view his relationships with his children as threatening to your relationship with him because that's a connection you can never fully ahare.
It's normal. Try to work on your relationship with the kids individually and without SO.
Hell appreciate the effort. Even if his kids end up having you (which 80% hate you no matter what you do or don't do). And you'll feel better for trying.
No matter what though do NOT compromise on your position in the home! Do not let his daughter make you feel like 2nd place. She will try the older she gets-it will get worse. You threaten her position in her dad's life in her eyes. Even when you're not doing anything but existing the fact is you exist!
If you plan on making this relationship work you are going to have to deal with his kids for a long time, especially if they stay with him more often than not. So try to make the best of it now while they're so young and affectionate. That can quickly change when they get older and their true colors show.
Your SO should always be your 1st priority while your kids are your #1 responsibility (at least until they're adults). Sometimes you will have to compromise your time with SO. And that's okay just so long as you are still his priority.
Just give it time. The envy and jealousy will ebb eventually even if it never truly goes away. Focus on your SO and attempt to build a relationship with his kids the best you know jow.
Normal and very normal
Yes, it is normal to want to be the number 1 female in his life, but because he already has children, you will not be recieving his undivided attention. It takes a lot of getting used to. I totally love Munchkin SD12, but sometimes, like at the movies, I feel like the outsider. Other times I am right there in the center. Those times of feeling like the outsider, I feel somewhat envious, but I swallow it. DH has always worked to include me in everything, and many times its just Munchkin and I.
I think you are way ahead of the game, in examining your feelings, plus you are very experienced with children, so they arent a mystery to you like they were to me at first. I regularly do internet searches to try to understand what is going on. The mood swings. Plus we have a toxic high-coflict BM as well as a Toxic high-conflict elder SD living at Bm's, who is causing us some trouble. Hopefully you do not!
Keep posting and reading - there are many resources out there that will help provide "coping tools" for this Step-life.