Help-I can't stand the way I feel about my SD!!
I needed help with the way I am feeling so I was so thankul to find this site!
I can't deal with this alone. I need your help, if you can offer any real guidance or advice, please don't hesitate. Also, please don't judge me for what I am about to say.
I have been married for 6 years. My DH has an 8 year old daughter (who was 2 when we married). I had a child previously too, who is now 19 and out of the house. We have two kids together, 4 and 5 years old.
I have always hated having a SD, but now I am starting to think I actually hate her. I resent our CS being so high, at 900/mo. I resent the situation, the time sucked from my family during her visits, etc. I feel physical contempt for her, personally as she argues with and tries to dominate my kids during their play. I hate her voice, I hate her presence, her personality, her clumbsiness, her everything. We only have to have her a few weeks a year, but I plummit into a deep depression when she is here. I hate spending money feeding and caring for her while she is here while we pay her mother to sit on her rear at home. The entire situation makes me feel physically sick. We just spent Christmas with her, and I cringed at every gift I saw dh's family give her when we pay her mother so much money. I hate how she seeks attention and dominates the room with her loud, boistrous, obnoxious personality. She is big for her age and extremely clumbsy, tripping over nothing, falling UP the stairs etc. I hate it. I hate that I have to include her in my family pictures. I hate that she takes away from my kids.
I know the way I feel is not good, not right and not helpful in any way. However, I have no one to discuss it with. I can't "will" these feelings to go away, they just get worse every time I have to see her. I don't know how to deal with these emotions and very real feelings that affect me physically. I feel that my world shuts down when she comes, I am suffering greatly with the weight of what is going on emotionally. I live in a gruff, angry, irritable state while I have to deal with this during visitation.
I hate beyond hate, her BM. BM is a very appropriate acronym for her. She takes our money, no longer works, has another child now and is married, but still sucking off of us. She is disgusting, vulgar and just a nasty person with a nasty disposition. I hate that she gets our money! I hate that we struggle to live a basic life so we can support her. She had breast implants (with our money), she always wears new clothes, drives a new car and saves nothing for her D. All the money, all the gifts from family, etc, and not a penny saved for her (as she has told me herself). I feel like if the CS was gone, a lot of the resentment would fade, but the general distaste for my SD would remain.
I am losing time with my own kids, my own family due to all of this. I don't know what to do. I know and am relieved to know that I am not alone, as you have posted similar stories. But how do you deal with it? I don't have a soul I could confide this reality to. What do I do?
None of this is fair, and I know I am being incredibly selfish..but I just have to get it out. I knew the situation before we married, truthfully I should have walked away. The feelings have only gotten worse. It affects my state of living, breathing and being when I am forced to take care of this kid I hate and resent. What do I do? I wish she would leave and never come back, I wish I could blink away the whole situation. I wish I would never have to see any of them again and never pay another penny to that family. Help me.
You asked for help so here
You asked for help so here goes. You need to speak to a counselor ASAP. Some of what you are feeling is normal, BUT, for you to feel this DEEP hatred for a child that you only see for about 14 days a year, is just not right. IMHO.
I really do get what you are saying and what you are feeling. But what happens if your SD ends up having to live with you and your DH? It could happen. It has happened to plenty of people on this site. Me included!!
I suggest you get control of yourself before something like that happens. If you feel this much hate over a few days a year, imagine what you would feel if it was 24/7/365. Good luck!!
I agree here. I have issues
I agree here. I have issues with my SD as well... and I have a counselor who lets me vent to her and gives me advice on how to handle it.
Go for a few sessions by yourself, then maybe take your husband... if he will go.
good luck!
First off, try to remeber
First off, try to remeber that she is an eight year old little girl and she did not ask to be born or for her parents to seperate. The CS thing - we all deal with it. I just try not to think about it cause there is little that can be done about it. If she acts poorly it is a product of her raising - I do not know about you but on extended stay the skids slowly begin to conform to "our house rules" but the first few days are rough. My SD is over weight and it bothers me but in regards to her size just be glad it isn't your bio that has such issues. Also, she is your kids sister so keep that in mind. I would hope that my bios and steps remain close as adults. We all need a support group.
I know what you mean by
I know what you mean by little things about the child that they can't even be held responsible for, you find irritating. Things that my husband finds cute about his kids I find totally annoying. It must have something to do with them not being ours. We don't feel that unconditional love that parents feel. We see their quirks as flaws, whereas the bio parents see them as special and endearing. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling that way.
I also understand the resentment about the CS going to BM. Especially when you know that it's not being put to use on the kids. Unfortunately we have not control over that so better accept it for what it is than make yourself crazy over it. My husbands ex took him to court two years ago for more money and this year she brought herself a Mercedes. She lives in a brand new house with her husband while we live in her and my husbands tiny old house, and can't afford to move. I feel like she reaps the benefits of our hard work and it's very frustrating so I try not to think too much about it. I also make sure I treat myself to something I want every now and then so that the resentment doesn't build up.
When I first moved in with my husband I too wished that the kids didn't exist, everything they did annoyed me, I hated the sound of their voices, even the sound of their laugh (which I admit is a terrible thing to think). However, I realize now that I felt that way because I didn't have an open mind about them. I had decided not to like them and refused to budge.
Over time I understood that by not liking them made my life harder, so gradually I opened up to them and really got to know them as people. Turns out I really like them, when I let the chip on my shoulder go, it became so much easier to deal with.
Maybe you should give this little girl a chance, spend some one on one time with her, get to know her a bit, take her out to lunch, show her that you care and I guarantee she will appreciate it and so will you. My step kids picked up on my feeling towards them and there was no way I could expect them to like me. When I changed my attitude, they did too and we have a good relationship now.
I'm not saying that I love them like my own and there are days when I would like to tell them to go play with the traffic, but I don't find them as irritating and I understand better why they do certain things. Give her a chance, be kind to her and if it doesn't work at least you know you tried.
Also be grateful that it's only a few weeks out of the year that she's with you. We have the kids every weekend and all holidays.
Good luck to you and hang in there.
I completely understand your
I completely understand your feelings. I am going through the same exact thing as you, BUT, my SD9 lives with us full time!!! Imagine that! Yikes. I am miserable and probably making it harder on myself because I just cant open up and I wish all the time that she wasnt there. I know i need counseling or something because now my marriage is suffering for it. I resent my husband which makes me not even want to be aroumd HIM! not good!
I feel the same way! I
I feel the same way! I wouldn't say that I "hate" them though. I do hate it when they are over and hate hearing their voices and every stupid move they make. I am still trying to figure out a way to deal with it so I don't have much advice but the blogs I have posted will probably seem as though you could have written them as well.
Just know that you are defenitely NOT alone!
Oh yes I can totally
Oh yes I can totally relate....I only have my ss10 about once every month or two. But I honestly can't stand the way he talks, walks, looks or even breathes! He totally clumsy all the while thinking he is cute while doing. He has a look at me mentality and every time my daughter who is 1 yr old does something that we laugh about, my ss tries the exact same thing which just makes me cringe....even throwin his feet up in the air like a baby would. He makes up stories and tries to get each person fighting.....he eats like you wouldnt believe but only because he thinks it is funny to eat alot not because he is hungry. He wants ALL the attention and uses the excuse that his mom kept him from his dad for 4 and a half years even though he still acts like we're just babysitters that he can call mom and dad. He constantly whines about everything if he isn't having "fun" and always expects prizes as he calls them! UGH! Ok I feel better now lol just had to vent a little bit since we will be getting this little brat for a few days tomorrow!